Another piece of my book

Its been a while since I posted a piece of my book. yes, I am still working on it. I actually thought I had posted this previously, but can't find it on here, so if I have already posted it, lets just pretend I hadn't and you can comment on it again! Okay? OK!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!! Enjoy!

Here's the "what's going on": Jason and Kyla have been dating all summer and then its time for Kyla to go to school, and she also has to break up with Jason, which she doesn't really want to do, but knows that she should...

The cherry red Ferrari was still in the drive way, which was a good sign. I wasn’t sure what Jason had planned for tonight, he had wanted it to be a surprise, but oh how the surprise would be on him this time. I thought about putting it off, but I was supposed to be leaving for Utah in a couple days…I needed to do this now. I opened the door and walked in knowing that Jason wouldn’t mind if I did. I put my purse on the couch in the living room and walked towards the kitchen. It smelled wonderful. I had never known Jason to cook, but if it tasted as good as it smelled than he had seriously been holding out on me. He met me at the doorway to the kitchen and kissed me.
“I was about to come get you…am I running late?” We were still standing close together which on any other night would have been not only normal, but welcomed…but tonight I just wanted to say what needed to be said and be gone. I couldn’t withstand his charm forever. I took a step back and looked at my watch.
“No, I decided to come by early. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s just fine. I thought I would surprise you with my hidden talents tonight, starting with cooking.” He took my hand and we headed into the kitchen. Everything looked so delicious too.
“Wow, Jace, I didn’t know you could cook. I am really impressed.” He looked so pleased with himself and so happy. I took a seat at the counter on a stool while he continued moving about the kitchen preparing dinner. I thought about just breaking it to him now, that things were over, that I was going back to Utah alone and that I didn’t want him to follow me out there. That every moment of happiness either of us had experienced in the last 9 months was all for nothing because I wanted out; but I was still trying to figure out how to say it in a nice way.
I stared out his huge glass windows looking out over the beach while I thought. It was a full moon that lit the whole perfectly clear sky. There were a few stars that sparkled and shined. I didn’t hear Jason come stand behind me, “Beautiful isn’t it?” he asked. I turned to look up at him as he wrapped his arms around me. He looked great tonight, and seemed happier now than any other time I’d seen him; of course this would be the day I am supposed to rip his heart out.
“It’s amazing out here. I love it.” I tried to keep my focus and not let myself get swept up in the moment and forget the task I had at hand; how do you tell someone you love that you can’t be with them anymore? He took my hand and started leading me towards the beach, “Come on” he said, “Lets go for a walk. Dinner will still be a few minutes.” At first we walked hand in hand, and then he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. That anxious and nervous feeling was there in the pit of my stomach, and I knew it wouldn’t really go away until I did what I knew I had to do. I had to convince Jason to let me go. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was the only way to keep Brooke out of his life, and mine.
After several minutes, Jason noticed the silence, “Ky, are you okay?” we stopped and he turned to face me. I was looking down at my feet pretty sure I might cry if I looked at him. Be brave, Kyla, you can do this.
I took a deep breath and then began, “Jason, these last few months have been fantastic, really they have, but I think its time we both face reality and see that this relationship isn’t going to work.” I forced myself to look at his face. Yep, the pain I saw when we first met was starting to creep its way back in. He was fighting it, though. I could tell.
“Ky, what are you talking about? Of course this can work. Where is this coming from?” He replied in a very gentle and slightly confused tone.
“We are from two completely different worlds, as much as we want to pretend you and I belong together in the end we will both end up hurt. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t pretend that being with you would ever be a normal relationship. You’re Jason Tyde, after all and no matter how much you try to hide, the world will always come to find you. As long as you are in movies, they will demand to be as much a part of your life as I ever was. I can’t be in your world, and I told you that when we first met.” I wanted to add an , Oh, PS: you’re ex wife also said she’d make me out to be a harlot in all the national magazines if I didn’t play her stupid little game, but I knew that then he’d go after Brooke and he didn’t need anymore stress when it came to her. But I wasn’t lying when I said that as long as he was in movies he’d never be free of the world; and that was a part of our relationship that I always struggled with…but I think I could have overcome it, if I had to.
“Kyla, I don’t understand. I thought things were going good. I bought a house in Utah so we could still be together. When did all this happen?” The pain was winning, and I hated hurting him. He really did mean so much to me. Just get through this and leave, I thought to myself.
“It’s kind of always been here, I tried to convince myself I could accept it, I could be with you because you really aren’t the movie star you used to be. You have changed so much since I met you, but part of you will always belong to the life you had before I came along. I can’t pretend its not there. I know we made plans, but that was when I thought I could handle everything, and I can’t. So, this is where we say good bye and I hope everything goes well for you. I think I will always love you, but right now that’s not enough.” I turned to walk back to his house so I could leave. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes; in fact the whole walk back was silent. I walked across the back porch and into the house before him. I walked into the kitchen and then I saw the small wooden box sitting on the edge of the table. I didn’t have to open it to know what it was. I picked it up against my better judgment and opened the small box and saw the sparkling diamond ring inside. I was stunned and frozen in place.
“I was going to surprise you with it tonight, but you beat me to the surprise ” I know he didn’t mean for it to be a hurtful statement, nor did it sound hurtful, but it ripped at my heart a little bit. Knowing how much we loved each other and I was walking away from it. He continued,
“Kyla, let me just say one thing before you go.” He walked over to me and took my hand in his. “You have shown me how much good there truly is in the world. You have shown me a whole new way to live. I am a better person because of you. I may not understand why you feel we can’t be together, but I will always love you and one day you’ll realize that. I’ll still be here waiting for you when that day comes.” He kissed me softly and quickly. As he pulled away I saw something new in his eyes, and in his countenance. It gave me hope that he’d be okay after I left.
“Good bye, Jason” was all I could really say. I grabbed my purse off the couch and walked out the front door without looking back.

True Friends

I know, I know, I always say I'll update, and then I never do. Please forgive the full time working college student who is trying to pass all her classes (which I did, by the way. All A's and B's for me!!!!). However, I've had a lot on my mind and finally have a second to sit down and write it all out.
    So, last Sunday I met up with an old friend that I don't get to see very often. We met up in Salt Lake and decided to go walk around temple square. It was the afternoon, so the lights weren't on, but it was still so beautiful. We hadn't talked in a while, so it was nice to catch on things. We ended up sitting down on the curb looking across the walk way to the reflection pond and up to the temple. It was so peaceful. I thought I was doing really fantastic and was having a fun time when my friend asked me what was wrong, "Suzy, I know you, and you're not fine. What's going on? You can talk to me..." A true friend is someone who recognizes how much you're hiding from everyone, even yourself. I had been trying so hard to hide how I have really been feeling from everyone that I got so used to convincing myself that everything was okay...but it wasn't.
     See, here's what's been going on. I am trying to be a social person. I like being social, its a lot of fun. I have made a bunch of new friends who, at first, were great. But, the more I got to know them, the less I felt like they were going to be great friends for me. I have a really bad habit of letting people walk all over me. I know I shouldn't let them...I'm just too nice.Also, I always see the potential people have for being good. I always see who they could be. The trick with that is that I tend to hold them to a higher standard, and sometimes they don't hold themselves to that same standard and it ends up badly for everyone...but mostly for me because I'm the one with the super high expectations....back to the story. So, I have some new friends and at first it was great, but now I don't feel like they are as great of friends as I once thought they were. In fact, I have a hard time hanging out with them because I just feel kind of negative. I was explaining this on Sunday and my true friend was telling me that I was ok, that everything would work out for the best. And that's when I remembered why this friend had become such a great friend to me. Because they cared. Because they wanted what was best for me. Because they had taken the time to get to know me; to know me so well that even when I was trying to lie to myself, they saw through it. That is a true friend. That is the kind of friends I need in my life. That is exactly what I am looking for.
     It has taken me 25 years to feel like I am worth more than I have allowed others to tell me I am worth. I am an amazing person, and I don't mean that arrogantly by any means. I am talented, I am strong, I am amazing. I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I have a great family. I have so much to offer people, and I shouldn't put up with the crap others try to hand me.
     It was just fantastic. And when I left Salt Lake, I came home to hang out with some people from my ward. It was a lot of fun, and I have recently met a new guy and the whole time I was there, I kept wondering if he was as genuine as he appears to be. I hope he can be a good friend to me, because heaven knows I need them!

AND PS: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Thankful

It was Thanksgiving this week (in case any of you missed it) and I love the holidays. I love spending time with my family and seeing everyone. I love my nieces and nephews, all 21 of them. I love my siblings, they are amazingly great examples of how I want to live my life. I am so incredibly grateful for my life. I am so lucky to be where I am. I have a great family, some really awesome friends, an amazing testimony of the gospel. The list is very long and I won't bore you with the details, but you get the idea.
    I know that everyone is one the "I'm thankful for..." bandwagon this time of year, and this year I have really tired to avoid it publicly (this is the first time I've blogged about it and I haven't said much on facebook either) but I really am thankful for all that I have. I am so blessed, and so lucky to have so much! If I didn't care about your time, I would go on and on, but I will leave my post with this: I am so grateful for you, and since mostly its my family that reads this, or close friends, it is to you I direct that comment. So many of you have influenced my life for the better and I am so grateful for you. Thanks. Love, Suzy

Realization

So...this month has been FREAKING me out. I have been so nervous/anxious/worried about November for a couple of months now. For references about why I am so anxious about November, check here, or here, or here....yeah, just a peachy time for me! I realize the month isn't over, and that really I'm just half way through it, but I came to this realization today that I felt I wanted to share. Actually, its been a long time coming...about a year. Last year after my accident, when I said it was a new horizon, I had NO IDEA how true that statement was. Within the first six months of this year I switched wards, was determined to make new friends, got new friends that told everyone else how amazing I am and then got even more friends, got a new calling, went back to school, and have focused each day on being a little more positive.
     Don't get me wrong, its been a tough year, but it has also been so rewarding. I used to let people use me. I used to always be the instigator in friendships, I used to care so much about what other people thought of me. I used to have no self esteem. The list could go on and on and on, but that's not what is important. What is important is who I am now.
      Did you know that I am an amazing person? I don't say that to be arrogant or prideful, but its something I have just discovered. I am a really good cook. I am very creative. I can create amazing things that people stare at in awe. I have never had this happen until recently. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see anymore. I see a strong independent woman that had goals and ambitions for life. I see a woman who doesn't wait for a friend to invite her to go do something knowing full well they never will. I refuse to be the instigator in a friendship. If you don't want to invite me to go do stuff from time to time, then I don't have time for you either. I don't think this is asking too much. A couple of weeks ago I was contemplating a few friendships that I wasn't sure about. I was frustrated, and didn't feel like these "friends" of mine actually cared about me. So, I did a little test. I deleted them out of my phone and off of facebook just to see how long it would take for them to notice that I had taken a step back completely. And you know what...none of them have noticed. And I haven't wasted my time and talents on friends that say they care, but don't actually do anything to prove it. Do I sound mean and harsh? I'm not trying to be, I have just realized that I am worth so much more than I have previously given myself credit for.
      I have let Satan into my mind far too often. I have listened too many times when he has told me that I am worthless and a loser. I am neither worthless or a loser and I know that now. I know who I am, and I deserve so much more than I thought I could settle for. I have put all my trust in my Heavenly Father, and He has never let me down. I have given Him my heart, and it hasn't been broken since. I know that He will guide me to where I need to be. I am so grateful for Him, and for His gospel. It is true, and amazing, and I love it!

The Right Place at the Right Time

Tonight, I had the opportunity of being in the right place at exactly the right time. It was amazing. I didn't want to go to ward prayer...I wanted to stay home and watch this weeks episode of Sherlock, but I felt like I should go. So, I did. And I ended up talking to a friend, which made my night, and I know that this friend needed someone tonight. It was amazing.I love how much Heavenly Father looks out for each of us. Its absolutely AMAZING. I love Sundays. I love the gospel. I love my Savior.

Sherlock

I just watched this newer updated version of Sherlock Holmes currently playing on Masterpiece Mystery. I loved it. Here is a scene from the first episode just after Dr. Watson meets Sherlock. I LOVE IT!!!!

Watch the full episode. See more Masterpiece.

Update!

So, if I don't write often over the next couple months its because I am writing a freakishly large quantity of papers for my English class. I can't really complain because I LOVE to write, but it does take a lot of time to write the specific types of papers on specific topics. Its all in good learning, I suppose.
     So, I am taking this Book of Mormon class, which is fantastic! I love it! I am learning soooo much! I love the gospel of Jesus Christ! SOOOOO amazing! I went to the temple last week and had this truly great experience. I just love our Heavenly Father's plan for each of us. Even when I am going crazy with impatience, He is always there to guide me through life and reminds me constantly that He is in control and will help me at exactly the time I need help.
    At this moment, I am watching The Scarlet Pimpernel. I LOVE that movie. You should watch it. SERIOUSLY. K, more to write! Have a great week all!

I'm okay, and do you know why? Because Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy!

Its true, you know. Heavenly Father loves all of us and wants us to be happy. That's why, sometimes, he gives us REALLY REALLY hard things to work through. So...I mentioned last time that I used to be a hermit. I am doing better at socializing more, and being an outgoing person. I used to love hugs and somehow I stopped liking to hug people, but lately its come back and I love to be an outgoing, hug-y person again. Its kind of fun!
     I am in school this semester, just taking a couple of classes and learning a lot! Its amazing! I love school! I also love that my teachers don't believe in quizzes and tests other than the final! This is great because attendance is required, so I go to class, participate in the discussions, learn a ton, and don't have to cram and study for hours and hours before a test! HOORAY! Don't talk to me around finals week, though...that's going to be crazy!
     I'm meeting a lot of new people in school this semester, which is so much fun! I love meeting new people! Its the greatest thing ever!I know this is where I am supposed to be right now, which is the best feeling in the world, I love it!
    In Institute today (I'm taking a Book of Mormon class) we were talking about faith, and we got this quote, which is AMAZING...here it is:

"There are two kinds of faith. One of them functions ordinarily in the life of every soul. It is the kind of faith born by experience; it gives us certainty that a new day will dawn, that spring will come, that growth will take place. It is the kind of faith that relates us with confidence to that which is scheduled to happen...There is another kind of faith, rare indeed. This is the kind of faith that causes things to happen. It is the kind of faith that is worthy and prepared and unyielding, and it calls forth things that otherwise would not be. It is the kind of faith that moves people. It is the kind of faith that sometimes moves things. Few men possess it. It comes by gradual growth.It is a marvelous, even a transcendent power, a power as real and as invisible as electricity. Directed and channeled, it has great effect."
-Pres. Boyd K. Packer

isn't faith AMAZING? I read that and thought "wow...I need to work on my faith!" 

Any way, I hope you all have a FABULOUS week!!!

A Cake of EPIC Proportions

I think I have outdone myself this time. It did take Emily to accomplish this one, though. The two of us command a kitchen like a captain commands a ship. We decided we should have a cooking show on Food Network...it would be awesome and hilarious, and oh the deliciousness! Any way, here is the cake we made last Thursday:

yes, those are chocolate covered strawberries on top, and yes those are pirouette cookies on top. EPIC, and I hate that term. Then, yesterday, we decided to try making a cupcake version of the above, and this is how it turned out:

Mmmmmmm.....yummy....inside there is a custard made from scratch, and the frosting is a whipped cream frosting that is heavenly and delicious. I have actually been asked to do this cake for the top of a wedding cake for a friend of mine. SCARY! But, with Emily's help we can conquer anything! Hooray!!!


And hey, while you are at it, see if you can spot me in this music video:

Emotional State of Things

The past few weeks have been a freaking roller coaster for me, emotionally. I felt like I was on the mission again, super high highs, and super low lows...but, I think my life is finally calming down and I am starting to look forward to the changes that are bound to be headed my way. One of those changes: a new calling in the Relief Society Presidency in my ward. What position you ask? Oh yeah, the one I always get...secretary! Hooray! At least I already have experience with that one. I am excited to work with this new presidency, it will be a good opportunity to get to know more people and really become a more outgoing person like I used to be.
    Somehow along the last 2 years I really kind of became a hermit and kept to myself mostly. I think I came out a little bit in the last ward I was in, but really I haven't been as crazy or adventurous as I used to be. I am coming back, and it feels great, and is completely terrifying at the same time. I am going to try my hardest to go back to school this semester, which I realize classes already started, but I want to go to school this semester and hopefully I can meet some cool new people. I'm praying for a miracle to happen in my life, and have good faith that it will. Why? You ask...well because my Heavenly Father LOVES me and wants me to be happy. And because some things are just worth the wait...they just are.

More cakes!!!

So, it was my friend's birthday this week (lets call her Amber) and we had talked a while ago about making her a birthday cake. She helped with SB's army cake, and lots of pressure was applied to beating the awesomeness of said army cake. BUT, I didn't know what to do. I stressed about it for like 2 whole days, and then I remembered these cupcakes I made for Chanel, a friend's sister who is now a friend of mine. Any way, I remembered how much Amber liked the cupcakes and decided to make her cake based off of this design. Plus Chanel told me I should too, so I did. And here is what the cake looked like:










And here is the birthday girl with her cake, she absolutely LOVED it...almost as much as SB loved his cake, which was a lot. 

And here are a couple more random shots of the cake!!

Did you think to pray?

I will make this quick as I have not a lot of time. Our basement flooded this weekend, which was no good, and since I live in the basement it was LOADS of fun for me! Horray! Fortunately, not too much damage was done and we are waiting to see if the carpet was saved. Have I mentioned lately that I have an angel for a sister? In case you forgot, you should go read this post again, because she is an angel and I am SO grateful for her.
      I have found that you should never tell the Lord you have enough to handle and can't handle anymore, because that is when he piles it on even more. Its so great, ha ha ha, just kidding. But, when he gives you so much that you feel like you can't handle it, he also sends you people that help you through it...like my sister is a prime example of that in my life. Someone else that I have recently come to be grateful for is SB. He has become a real true friend to me. He's one of those people that you can't help but be happy around. I love having people around me like that, that lift me up and help me remember how much the Lord loves me. Its great. I love having awesome friends!!!
     I think my boss at my evening job is trying to kill me. There's no other explanation for the shifts I got stuck with this week. Its crazy, and if I just stop posting you'll know who to blame first.
     I am feeling really pretty good right now, and I have no one to thank for it except the Lord who has truly blessed me through this hard weekend of mine. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It is AMAZING!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Check this out

So, I have acquired a new friend, lets call him Soldier Boy. It was SB's birthday this week and I had this BRILLIANT idea of the perfect cake for him, so I made it, what do you think?










Yeah, so when SB saw the cake, he said it was the coolest cake he'd ever seen. I had SO much fun making this cake. I don't know if you can see it too well, but the little blue and green things sticking up a little bit out the the cake are candles that when lit were little fires all over the enemy territory. GENIUS. This is one of my favorite cakes, even though it is totally a guys cake, nothing girly on this one. But that's okay because I like knowing that I can make more than just girly cakes! 

checkpoint

So, as I have previously mentioned, I am working on a bunch of goals this summer. I really don't enjoy running that much and I have found I have a hard time motivating myself to do it. However, I rediscovered that I LOVE bike riding, and I think my legs are going to be super sore tomorrow from all the bike riding I did today, but I remember why I love it so much! I will be riding my bike much more often for the rest of the summer, and then when winter comes again I will buck up and go back to running so I can run a 5k by the end of the year.
    I feel really good today. I feel like I am one step closer to my dreams. I have felt really close to the spirit lately, like He is guiding me to the places I need to be and to the people I need to meet. I just feel really really good right now! I LOVE IT! Its amazing! I mean I still have tons of challenges that are right in front of me, but I feel that with my Heavenly Father's help, nothing is impossible. Even if in my head it is still impossible, that doesn't matter. I will exercise faith and trust Him, and somehow everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to. I love it! I just love life right now!

"All that you want is standing right in front of you, all that you need is right here"

Okay, so the freak out of a couple of days ago has successfully passed and I am back to my normal not freaking out self...for the moment. Things are still good...I think. I am trying to stay super positive. The funny thing is, this always happens when I get in this situation, except after my initial freak out I kind of back away and let go. Not this time. There is something there keeping me right where I am. Its kinda crazy, but fun at the same time. Any way, I thought I should just let you know that I am doing fine now.
     I was listening to Onerepublic's newest CD recently and I downloaded a couple of the bonus tracks on itunes and found it while listening to the CD on random. Its called Passsenger, and I am ADDICTED to this song. In the last 5 days I have listened to it like 50 times or something. CRAZY. Its been on repeat in my car and on my ipod and will be on repeat for quite a while, I think. I LOVE this line of the chorus, it goes like this:

"All that you want is standing right in front of you, all that you need is right here." and it just hit me that I all the I want really IS standing right in front of me and all that I need is right here. I LOVE when music speaks to my soul.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Okay, so I try to be an optimist, but a lot of times I think I am a pessimist disguised as an optimist that's really a realist. Because I have had my hopes dashed I don't even know how many times I tend to keep things close to my heart and not let people really in.
   I have been faced with good things happening in my life right now, and I am so scared of screwing them up that I don't know how to deal with them. I have these hopes and dreams that I keep close to my heart but if I actually saw them happening in my life I wouldn't know what to do. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, to wake up from a dream and realize that what I thought and hoped was actually happening in my life really isn't happening at all. That's when I'm hardest on myself because I think I'm such an idiot for thinking things would work out exactly how I wanted them to.
   So, I am looking at these new changes with hope and praying that I don't wake up and find them all to be just mere imaginings and dreams of my own creation. I'm holding my breath and praying to my loving Father above for guidance.

Happy Day.

So, its been a little while since I last posted. Um, life has been pretty much the same. Work, work, more work, hanging out a little bit, then more work and stuff. I have been writing a lot more, which is good! I need to get my book done!! HOORAY!!!
       I went and saw a couple of movies this week. First, I saw Eclipse, which I really enjoyed. I think it was the best of the Twilight movies so far. They finally cut Rob Patinson's hair, and gave the actors lessons for their speech impediments they had in the first movie!! HOORAY!!! Plus, there was actual action. Very nice. Over all, I give it a thumbs up. The other movie I saw was The Last Airbender. Such a disappointment. It was horrible. They mispronounced like everything! Uncle was skiny...he's not supposed to be skinny! Zuko's scar was like non existent which is strange because that scar is the main reason why he is the way he is! Plus, it looked like it was filmed in 1992, Sokka wasn't funny-in the TV show, he's the comic relief. He was played by the guy who plays Jasper in the Twilight movies, only in Last Airbender he wasn't pale with weird longish blondish hair. He had dark hair (which I believe is his natural color) and actually had a tan. It was crazy! He looked mildly attractive! So, overall I give Last Airbender a thumbs down. Don't pay more than a dollar to see it. Hopefully they make a 2nd one (this movie only covered the first of three seasons of the TV show) but hopefully they will get a different director. M. Night Shamylan has never been a favorite of mine, and this is why. He takes awesome stories and turns them into crap.
    Any way, other than that I have been busy working, and not sleeping, so now I am incredibly sleep deprived and I am going to go to bed now so I can sleep!! HOORAY!!!

TA-DA!!!!!

Lookie lookie! I am so proud of this cake! It turned out amazingly well! PLUS, it was a great surprise for my friend Elen for her birthday!!! HOORAY!!!

I am going to attempt to make this cake tonight, and tomorrow. Its going to be a 2 day process (because I have to freeze it before I shape it.) Any way...I will post pics when its done...unless it sucks, then I won't and this post will magically disappear!

It's a love/hate thing

I really enjoy summer, its a lot of fun. Its so relaxing, there are so many things to do outside and its so warm and most people (not me) get a nice tan. I just burn, peel, repeat. No tan. Its kinda sad actually. Any way, I LOVE having fun in the summer and spending time with family and friends. Its great. I love the break from school and everything. But there's also this other part of summer that I hate. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot more love than hate, but when I hate summer, I loathe it. Right now its pretty close to loathing.
    You know those people that you may be acquainted with that when you were single you saw them and thought to yourself "if they get married before me, I will kill myself" now I realize you don't literally mean you'd kill yourself, but still, its not good. Maybe its because I'm prideful, maybe I'm super insecure, but this person I've been acquainted with for a while just got engaged and she was one of those people that I thought for sure I'd get married before her. And I'm not. And for the most part I'm okay with that. But she's still getting married first...see the problem?  I guess its just because I am not patient and I feel like time is running out for me. I know, I know, I'm only 25 and I still have my whole life ahead of me, but this was NEVER part of the plan I had for myself. I was supposed to be married a few years ago and have at least a kid by now. I am supposed to be graduated from college and teaching school somewhere. That was the plan. And now, I have no clue what I'm doing. I've still got years ahead of me in school. I'm not married, no prospects of it happening anytime soon, and all my friends are disappearing one by one...see where the loathing comes in to play? I hate summer and all the stupid wedding invites that I want to burn.
   Now I'm just venting, sorry about that. On a somewhat positive note, I got to meet Lisa Mangum last Saturday which was awesome and got my books signed. I think I've mentioned my love for her books. If you need a reminder, you can look here, or here, or here. ha ha ha. I LOVE her books!!! A-MAZING!!!
    So, I think I've mentioned this before, but I teach Gospel Doctrine on Sundays, and as many of you know its the Old Testament this year. Yeah, I love the Old Testament, which most people find odd, but some of the coolest people are in the Old Testament. It was decided by a few guys in my ward that I should have been a baptist preacher. Apparently my love the the Good Word comes across in my lessons, which is actually a good thing because the other teachers that I teach with are so boring I want to sleep. Bless their hearts. I have fun teaching, and I hope everyone that comes to class gets as much out of the lesson as I do when I prepare to teach it.
    Um...yeah, that's pretty much it. I am addicted to the music from Glee...the Journey to Regionals CD is currently on repeat on my ipod. LOVE IT! I say that a lot...hmmm...interesting...well, good luck!!

They got all the right friends in all the right places....

Well hello all my dear friends!
    So, in the last week I have had like 5 or 6 people ask me if I've lost weight. Isn't that the nicest thing to hear from random people? I love it. And to be honest it keeps me going. I have become a little OCD when it comes to the food I eat. I mean its not like I am going to turn things down like at the family BBQ we had on Memorial Day, but I am much more conscious of what I eat on my own. I also try and eat breakfast which is something I have never been good at. And, I keep "running" its really more of a light jog/walk right now, but I'm getting out of the house and moving. GLORIOUS!
     So, it is definitely summertime because I have found that I am listening to The Fray (How To Save A Life), Rob Thomas (Something To Be), Meese (Broadcast), and The Script (The Script) which are all summertime albums that I seem to listen to all summer long. It is so glorious to wake up to Man Who Can't Be Moved, or Over My Head (Cable Car). On the weekends when I don't have to get up as early as I do on the weekdays and my favorite part of waking up on those days is just sitting there in my bed thinking about life and listening to some amazing songs. I find I think most clearly just after I have woken up. It really is a fresh start with nothing to cloud my thoughts or my mind. Its truly awe inspiring.
     Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time I was a kid. It was like 20 years ago. Okay, not that long, but still a goodly amount of time. I was a kid and I was lonely. I didn't have a lot of friends. Then one day after I had been praying for what seemed like forever, a new family moved in to the neighborhood. And lo and behold they had a daughter my age! We became quick friends and did many many things together. Then, just before high school started she moved away. Far away and I was very sad. We kept in contact a little bit, but it wasn't the same and I never forgot how great my friend was, or how much I missed her. Then, I grew up and went on a mission and at my farewell my friend came! I was shocked! And she brought her mother with her, who was always like a mom to me. I LOVE that family! LOVE THEM! for real. Any way, I got to say good bye to them before I left, which was a good thing because as it turned out my friend went on a mission herself like a week before I got home. Yeah, a WEEK. So, we didn't see each other for like 3 more years and it was sad, but that's okay because when my friend got home from her mission she started a blog. That's right a blog, but its not your usual blog. In fact, I think you should check it out...right HERE.  I followed it and found out that my friend's mother was publishing a cook book (which is amazing, BTW...you should check it out!!) and also that she was doing a book signing at Barnes and Noble sort of by my house. I practically live at Barnes and Noble...books books books...I call it "heaven" and can spend HOURS there, just ask Tex, that's where he and I always end up when we hang out. Any way, I went to the book signing and had so much fun!! If you get the chance to go, I HIGHLY reccomend it! Also, they are giving away a Blendtech kitchen mill. Pretty cool, I think you should check it out.
    In other news, I have been in the best mood to write. My goal is to have my first draft finished by the end of the summer. That's like 2 months. I think I can do it!! Tonight I was at the mall with a friend and we were in all the trendy stores comparing scents and Hollister has one called "Jake" NO JOKE!!! AND, it smells like Jake would, if he were a real person. Man I love those characters!! I wish they were real so we could hang out and stuff! Any way, best of luck this week!! I will be thinking of you all as I try not to die running, or actually jogging...lightly! Ha ha!!

Sort of...maybe...

Okay, I have to be quick quick before I go to work today. Actually, I still have like a half hour before I HAVE to go get ready. I hate Monday shifts, unless they are short and they give me a break until Friday, like today. I work until 8 and then I don't work again until a short shift on Friday. HOORAY!!!
   Any way, this weekend I had the house all to myself. It was weird. Usually being home alone at night freaks me out because I have a super overactive imagination and I end up staying awake all night because I'm freaked out about what could happen while I sleep since I'm the only one there, but this time I was totally fine. I slept VERY well both nights and enjoyed the silence of an empty house. Except, I forgot to turn the outside lights on when I went to work on Saturday night so when I got home super late it was super dark. But don't worry, no one tried to get me. And even if they had, I would have karate chopped them or something cool like that.
     I made some more cards with my favorite sister ever on Friday night. It was awesome. She and I have very similar personalities so when we both get really tired and loopy, the possibilities are endless. But it was great to spend some time with her. She makes me laugh.
     I also made cards with my sister in law on Sunday night, I am a card making addict lately, as previously mentioned in my last post. It was so much fun! I made the most adorable cards that I will post pictures of later. SO adorable!!
     I watched my first ever episode of Dancing With The Stars the other day. I confess it was only because my coworker told me to (and I don't usually do what she tells me to, but Evan Lysachek was on, and I like him, so I wanted to see it.) I don't think its a show I will watch often, if ever again. I get weekly updates from my coworkers, but apparently Evan's dancing last week was super amazing. It was just dancing to me. Maybe because I'm not a dancer. I still maintain that if you're going to get a gold medal olympian to be on a show about dancing, I think you should get like a skier or something, not someone who trains for hours and hours and hours dancing on ICE. I'm just sayin...he's a shoe in for winning. I don't think he's gotten a bad score all season.
    I didn't plan on talking about that, but moving on, the creative juices have been flowing a lot lately and I have been writing a lot more lately. I always really really want to write when I'm headed to work where I can't write and I get frustrated and then I get annoyed and then my coworkers steer clear because I am not in a mood to be trifled with.
    I am going to go see the new Robin Hood movie this week, I think. I've heard that all the critics hated it, which means that I will probably LOVE it. That's what usually happens. I will let you know what I thought after I see it.
    I have been playing 3 songs on repeat for 2 weeks now. "It Is What It Is" by Lifehouse, "One" by U2, and "Breakeven" by The Script. Songs I could live my life by...maybe...sort of....
    I finally got caught up on GLEE...oh my gosh that show makes me laugh. Glee Quote of the Week: "I'm like Tinkerbell, Fin, I nee applause to live!" - Rachel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha....LOVE IT!!!!!
    Any way, have a great week...I'll check in again soon. PS: Anyone who follows LOST, its over, how do you feel about that? I have only heard bits and pieces about it, but I heard it was crazy/awesome...what are your thoughts?

Addicted

This is a post about my latest addictions.

 My friends Elen and Thomas decided I should watch this anime show called Fruits Basket...ever heard of it? I LOVE it!!! Its a great show! There is some cursing, but for some reason it doesn't bother me like cursing usually does. I mean there are no f-bombs or anything that serious, but still some minor cursing. Elen was worried I'd be offended by it or something, but no. Its a great show and I think everyone should watch it. Unless you don't really like anime...then I wouldn't force you to watch it or anything.

 Another addiction, card making. I have talked about this previously...but seriously its like a drug. I can't get enough of it!!! One of the smaller overpriced scrapbook stores is going out of buisness and I have been able to pick up some killer deals on scrapbook stuff so I can make even more cards!!! I'm sure you can imagine my excitment. So, I will continue to watch Sam Worthington movies and make the most adorable cards ever. Its going to be fantastic!!!!

    The Script. I am totally ADDICTED. I'm like a little kid with TONS of candy when it comes to their music. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the song Breakeven. Its my favorite. I listened to it for 3 days on repeat last week. I do that on occasion. It drives people insane, and I'm sure I should care...but I don't. If you don't know who The Script is, shame on you and ask me about them. I will be more than happy to play a line or two for you because I have their music on my phone, Ipod, etc...

    Books. I freaking love books. The more I read them the more I want to finish Changing Tyde. I freaking love Jason Tyde and want everyone else to love him as much as I do...which I don't think will ever be possible, but you never know. He is pretty amazing. My friend Tex was making fun of me the other day because I have a lot of young adult books. I like them. They are a quick read and I also had to point out my vast collection of the classics. Just because you've seen P&P doesn't mean you know Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth, or Jane Austen's world. Go read a few classics and then look at the world...its a whole different place if you're looking for it.

     Outside. ADDICTED to being outside. And lately I want to run/walk/jog in it. A-MAZING!!! I love it!!! Plus today it was like 70 degrees or something outside. Ah spring, I have missed you! Remember how we used to be all BFF and everything, and then you let it SNOW on me in MAY!!! What the heck!?!?!?! But, if you come back now, no hard feelings and we can be BFF again.

     Weekends. I took last Saturday off. It as amazing. I loved it. I went to Salt Lake and spent it with my friends. I miss having real weekends. I wish I didn't have to work in the deli so much, but one day I will be free of it and will have my weekends back and it will be GLORIOUS!!!!

     Roasting marshmallows indoors. Its so much fun! I was at Elen and Thomas's house and we roasted marshmallows over their stove and then made this delicious smore-ness that was to die for. I loved it!!

    Lisa Mangum books. The Hourglass Door and The Golden Spiral. A-freakin-MAZING!!!! Can't wait for the 3rd and final book that comes out next spring...I know, I know, a whole year away, but its going to rock. Lisa Mangum is actually doing a book signing in AF in June. I think I'm going to go and meet her. That would be fun. Then I can get my books signed too. That would rock. But if you haven't read her books yet, come find me and I will let you borrow my copy. Such good books. I'm totally ADDICTED.

Okay, that's enough for now. I hope you had fun at the small glimpse into my latest springtime addictions!!! YAY!!!

Storytime!!!

I have to hurry because I am headed to work, but here's a blip of what I've been working on. Also, I will have you know that I went on a walk today, and a jog on Wednesday. I feel GREAT!! I feel like I am accomplishing something....any way, here is a blip from Changing Tyde. Kyla has just gotten home from school and its her first time back since the accident and everything, she and Jason kept in touch while she was at school and made plans for the day she got home, so here you go, hope you enjoy! OH, and the mention of Park City is earlier in the story, Jason was there and Kyla went to see him one weekend and they ended up kind of arguing a little about Brooke, but worked things out...just an FYI in case you wonder while reading...

I was so glad to be home, I don’t think I had ever missed it quite as much as I had this last semester. I don’t know how long I just sat in my room and looked at everything. As always it was just as I had left it. It never changed. I looked at the pictures that were still taped to the mirror and looked down at the dresser, and there it was. I had almost forgotten about it completely. Jake’s ring. I gently lifted the lid of the little black box, and there it shined as if it had never been on my finger, as if it had never been the symbol of promises that nothing on this Earth could end up giving me. I pulled it out of the box and sat on the edge of my bed. How things had changed. I remembered putting it in this box and leaving it here so I wouldn’t remember the lost hopes and dreams I associated with it. I remembered Jake, how he used to infuriate me, how I fell so madly in love with him. I remembered every part of his face, the dimples on his cheeks that appeared when he smiled, the way he looked at me, and only me. I knew when he looked at me that nothing else mattered to him, that I was everything to him. I missed feeling like that. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear my phone go off several times, or the calls from downstairs that someone was at the door for me, I didn’t hear anything until there was a knock on my bedroom door and a familiar voice, “Kyla, can I come in?” Immediately I was brought back to reality. Jason was here. I put the ring back in the box and walked to the door opening it. There he stood, leaning against the door frame.

            “I thought I was going to have to break down the door if you hadn’t answered. So, are you still up for dinner and a movie at my place?” There was happy go lucky Jason again. I had missed him. I was worried that things had changed after Park City and that I had ruined the one friend who could relate to me.

            “Yeah, sorry,” I looked down at the box still in my hand. I quickly walked over to the dresser and replaced it to its place out of sight, and hopefully out of mind. Picking up my bag I noticed Jason’s eye was still on the box. I gently prodded him down the hall as I shut my door. I knew he wanted to ask about it, but thought better of it. It was my turn to be honest with him this time. We were almost to his Ferrari when I finally spoke.

            “It was Jake’s ring…in the little box I had in my hand. I forgot I still had it. I didn’t have the heart to sell it, but I didn’t want it in Utah reminding me of what I was supposed to have. So I left it here and found it.”

            “Ky, you don’t have to talk about-“ he started to speak, but I cut him off

            “No, Jason, its okay. You are the one person I feel like understands me right now. I have spent so much time moarning his loss, I have forgotten to live my own. I miss him, and I think part of me always will…but its time for me to move on. So, with you as my witness I will actually say yes to the next guy that asks me out.” Jason laughed as he turned on the the highway and headed to his beach house.

            “Really? Even if its some drunk on the street, you’re still going to say yes? And is this a new thing, you will always say yes to whomever asks you out? I mean that’s a pretty serious commitment, friend” He had that sparkle in the corner of his eye that lit up his whole face and made smile, I absolutely loved Jason when he was laid back like this.

            “Okay, not like that, but I am going to go out with the next guy that is honest and good and actually wants to take me on a date. Not my looks, not out of pity, but honestly the next guy that actually wants to get to know me I will say yes.”

            “Good luck finding him”

            “He exists” I confess, I was really kind of hoping it was Jason. Not that I was like planning the wedding or anything, but I would love to get to know Jason better. We had made a good start, but it was all through e-mail and text, nothing face to face and yet he was like my best friend.

            “So when are we going to go out then?” He asked pulling me out of my thoughts and laying a golden opportunity in front of me.

            “I thought that’s what tonight was, just not in so many words…I mean dinner and a movie is classic date material. And, I didn’t even know you cooked, so bonus points for that.”

            He laughed even harder than before. “You assume I cook. Did you forget who I am? I have a chef on speed dial. The day I cook, is the day you should either run for cover or know something is up. I don’t generally cook, it’s better that way.”

            “So what is the plan for tonight?” I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, but his smirk was staying in place too.

            “Well, since this is a date, which I am glad to hear it is. I was thinking dinner in the dining room that overlooks the ocean, a walk on the beach during sunset and then a really awesome movie like Casino Royale or something like that…what do you say?”

            My stomach tightened and I tried not to let the mention of Jake’s first date with me show on my face, but it did. Just calm down, Ky. Jason didn’t know, don’t let tonight get ruined because you’re freaking out about Jake. He’s gone. This is you moving on, remember?

            “What is it Ky? Not a Bond fan? I thought most chicks liked Daniel Craig as the new Bond. I mean we can watch whatever, I don’t care, I was just trying to not make it all cheesy by watching a chick flick and making it sound like one of my movies or something.” He reached over with his free hand and put it on my shoulder. The second his hand touched me, I instantly relaxed. Jason was always the cure when I started freaking out about memories of Jake. Heat spread from my shoulder throughout my body and I took a deep breath and relaxed exhailing slowly.

            “No, lets watch something else. I have Jake memories attached to James Bond, sorry, but what about Terminator Salvation? I LOVE that movie!” I glanced over and Jason just shook his head and laughed.

            “What?”
            “Nothing”

            “Whatever” was all I could think to respond with as we pulled into his driveway and I waited patiently for him to come and open my door since I remembered a conversation we had had about how girls today are too independent to let a guy be a gentleman, so even though it killed me, I waited and he opened the door offering me his hand.

       We walked around the back were there was a candle light dinner waiting at a perfectly set table for two.

            “Wow, someone was hopeful” I said, smiling. Of all the people I wanted to spend time with, Jason was at the top of the list. Not because he was Jason Tyde the movie star, but because he was one of the few people I knew I could count on and who really understood me. He wasn’t just playing a role, he was real with me, and I was really starting to like that about him.

Goals

Today I will change. On May 11, 2011 (exactly one year from today) I will look back to today and see how much I have accomplished, because I WILL change so many things. Here are a few of the goals I am working on right now:

I WILL work out at least 3 times a week, and I mean serious want to die from being pushed so hard work outs.
I WILL run a 10K next year with my brother
I WILL save up enough money to move out AND quit Maceys
I WILL meet new people
I WILL be incredibly social this summer and spend as much time as I can with a whole variety of people
I WILL organize all my scrapbook stuff so it is more accessible
I WILL finish my manuscript this summer
I WILL read at least one non fiction, and one fiction book a month-hopefully more, but we'll see
I WILL become the person I have always wanted to be, but too scared to step out and be in front of others.

I am so excited to work on these goals. Today I actually felt like going for a run...that's never happened that I am aware of...but it was too dark and rainy by the time I got off, and I was mad. SO, tomorrow I am going for a run, and it will be a fabulous kick in the face! I'm kind of excited.

This summer WILL rock and everything is going to change and its going to be super hard, but I know it will be worth it!!! HOORAY!!!!

Domestic Godessness

Okay, so my good friend (lets call her Emmy) has requested that I post pictures of my recent card making extravaganza.  It was TONS of fun and I had a lot of fun. I have found that I can't just listen to music, or to books on tape...I have to be doing something, and since I am determined to make a concerted effort to do nice things for people I felt using my domestic godessness in the card making area would be a good fit.

    I must confess, though, that I didn't just listen to music. For those of you on Facebook that are friends with me, my status for like a week was, "Suzy had a great card making day while watching Sam Worthington movies...days can't really get much better than that." which is a true statement. I hear a few of you wondering, who is Sam Worthington? Well, let me tell you. If Jason Tyde were a real person, he'd look like Sam Worthington...no joke...as I mentioned previously, he's got the build, the face structure, the crisp ocean blue eyes, the short dark hair...I couldn't have described Jason more perfectly if I had known who Sam Worthington was when I first wrote about Jason. He's only been in 3 really big American movies, and they are: Terminator Salvation, Avatar, and Clash of the Titans. All 3 of which I have seen in the recent past, as I mentioned in a previous post. Apparently, Sam Worthington movies inspire my best card making efforts because I made some of the cutest cards I have ever made (in my opinion) while watching Avatar...and can I say that it is a much more entertaining movie if you are not actually paying strict attention to it, but making cards instead.
     Any way, enough about movie stars and cards...lets talk about something else...I talked to AHG today. I have been talking to him on and off lately and its been fun. He was mentioning how he doesn't understand why relationships never work with him and why he keeps getting dumped even though he's doing everything he can to be the perfect boyfriend. I was very blunt with him and told him it was the girls he dates and the fact that he doesn't let people do things for him, he's all about serving others (which is good, don't get me wrong) but I think you also need to be willing to let someone serve you too. Just a thought. He was surprised by my honesty. He mentioned today how grateful he was that he and I are just friends and we both know exactly how the other one feels about our friendship. I don't remember what I said, but I was surprised he had mentioned it at all. I don't know what to think of him...I mean I don't have feelings for him outside of friendship anymore, which is good, but it was just weird.
    Any way, I need to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning and start another amazing day in the life of ME!!!!
OH! PS: I finished The Golden Spiral, which is the sequel to The Hourglass Door, which I loved. I LOVED both of them!!! Oh my gosh, however, if you don't handle cliff hangers well, I wouldn't recommend reading them until next year when the 3rd and final book comes out, but I have thoroughly enjoyed both of them!!

Um...some random stuff I realized this weekend, and other randomness...

This will be quick, as it is past my bedtime. But, I figured the total radomness shouldn't be left alone for too long or else my creative mind of its own will run off and then we will all be in trouble. I am reminded of my old job, back in the day shortly after I got home from my mission I would go on a walk each morning with a couple of the girls I worked with. They would always ask me what new story I had come up with or something to entertain them on the walk. It is not hard for me to come up with random things to say or stories to share. This is actually where Changing Tyde kind of took off. The initial idea has been LONG in the process, but coming up with Jason and Kyla really came about on those walks. I remember my friend, Lisa, would laugh at some random comment and say something like "I would love to spend 5 minutes in your pretty little head" to which I would respond with something like "Oh no, that's dangerous. I don't even allow myself in my head without securely tying a rope to the outside world so I don't get lost." now you are probably thinking I am strange, but I just thought about that and thought I'd share. Its late, and I really should be asleep.
    I watched Terminator: Salvation this weekend because I heard it was good. I don't think I have ever seen an entire Terminator movie until today, so I probably didn't get as much out of it as I could have, but I think the basic plot was Man vs. Machine, machine super mean and looks like man, big fight, lots of guns and shooting. Any way, the two main guys in it are Christian Bale, and Sam Worthington. My BFF Fort LOVES Christian Bale, like she LOVES him. He is her favorite actor and has been since Newsies, and probably will be forever. I realized after watching it that I have seen 3 Sam Worthington movies in the last week (Terminator: Salvation, Avatar, and Clash of the Titans), which made me laugh. I should have just watched them all on the same day and made a marathon out of it. But I didn't. Any way, the point of talking about actors. I realized that Sam Worthington has dark hair and crisp ocean blue eyes...remind us of anyone? Plus he's got the accent that sounds good, but he can also pull off an American accent, which is quite impressive. So, it is further proof to me that Jason could actually exist, even though he really doesn't-and I'm okay with that.
    Moving on...I went to church today and TD gave a talk. It was really quite impressive. He talked a lot about serving other people and how today is the only April 25th, 2010 we will ever have, and we have the opportunity to make someones day that day. Isn't that one of the greatest blessings ever. I guess you kind of have to know him to understand his enthusiasm. I will say this, TD is one of the most considerate people I have ever met. I asked him once what the top 5 things everyone should know about him where. Do you know what #1 was? That he loves helping people have a great day. Even if its someone he doesn't know, he loves to make people happy. He is always all smiles and has something positive to say. You would never know it if you talked to him, but he actually lost his brother about a month ago in a car accident, I saw him a few days after and asked how he was doing, he had a smile on his face and told me about how he had cheered up one of our mutual friends who I knew had been struggling. People aren't usually like that, you know? They usually tend to focus on themselves, especially after something really sad like losing your brother who happens to be your best friend. I have learned a thing or two about optimism from him.
     School is out for the summer, hallelujah! Not that I was in real school, but summer always brings with it good times and awesome memories. I have some great goals in place for this summer and will update you as I set out on grand new adventures!!

Oh the randomness...for real!!

Its been a while since I posted, my apologies! Life has been crazy, as usual.
    I had a really crappy day on Monday and just started texting one of my best friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. He ended up calling me and we talked for a while and it was great. I love having him around because he reminds me of the good things in my life. He helps me see the positive when I really don't want to. He just made my week a little bit brighter!
     So there's this guy in my ward that is taller than me, even in heels. He is hilarious and I decided we should be friends. And we are friends! HOORAY!! For future reference, we will call him Tall Dude, or TD for short.
     So it was Earth Day this week, and I have to laugh that Avatar came out on DVD on Earth Day because that movie is all about saving the planet...just not OUR planet! Ha ha ha...but for real, Earth Day. I remember when I lived in Washington every year they would give us a tree on Earth Day to take home and plant. Looking back I find this a little funny because Washington is COVERED in trees!
    This post is SUPER random because I am making cards and just finished watching this weeks episode of Vampire Diaries...I have to say I am not super impressed with the direction the show is going. I hate that they are turning Stefan into a druggie...its NOT COOL guys. AND it isn't following the books at all, just an FYI.
    Speaking of books (you are getting my full thought process as it pops into my head, just so you know) I finished reading the Percy Jackson series this week, such a good series! I loved them! They ended great and I was completely happy with it! HOORAY!!!
    I am currently looking for a new series of books....sort of because I have a whole bookcase full of books I haven't read, but I am more in the mood for a little bit more action-esq stories. And really I need something to keep me occupied for a few more weeks until the sequel to The Hourglass Door comes out because lets be honest, we all know that I will probably (more than likely) go by it the day it comes out because it is driving me insane that I don't know where the story is going. I won't say anymore since I know several people that are waiting for the series to end before they read them, but its an AWESOME book and I can't wait for The Golden Spiral (the title of the sequel, just an FYI) to come out on May 10th.
    I have a gift certificate to amazon.com and I can't think of what I want to spend it on...I think that's the first time in my life that's ever happened. I generally have a list of things I want to buy if I have the money, but this time I have just talked myself out of everything. And most things that I want aren't out yet, so I think I will just have to be patient and get something in a little while. Most of my brothers want me to get Burn Notice Season 3 on DVD when it comes out in June, so I might just wait for that because I still haven't seen the last 4 episodes and they aren't online anymore.
    Any way, this post has been SUPER DUPER random and I hope you were at least slightly entertained by it!!!

PATIENCE

not one of my strengths, and that is why my very loving Heavenly Father has been teaching me that heavenly virtue for years. Oh joy. I don't think I will ever get it down perfectly. But that's okay because He is showing me patience by putting up with my constant questioning and pondering things that I just need to be patient and wait out.
   I was being particular persistent this week in a prayer. I was asking about a concern I have had for some time that I have been told previously I just need to be patient about. So, I get ready for work and turn on my ipod to listen to on my way to work. Now, I don't have time to read my scriptures every morning, so I listen to a conference talk as I go to work and then study the good word at night when I am more awake. So, I keep everything on my ipod on repeat, including conference talks so that way I really have to think about what I can learn from whatever talk pops up. I really wasn't quite prepared for today's talk, even though it was entirely needed. It was Pres. Uchtdorf's talk on patience from the priesthood session. W-O-W. It was powerful. And even though it was given to the priesthood, I found LOTS of things I needed to hear. So, I am once again, for like the millionth time, working on patience. Isn't it wonderful? I knew you'd be as excited about it as I am.
    In other news, I went to my mission reunion, which was interesting. Don't get me wrong, I liked seeing people from the mission. I decided before I went that I really wasn't going to see other missionaries, I was going to see Pres. and Sis. Wallis, so it didn't matter if I was only there for a few minutes and then left because I wasn't there for everyone else. Which was good because I ended up getting there late and had to leave as soon as it was over.
    Conference was amazing, and so was Easter. I LOVE Easter, it is my favorite holiday and has been for many years now. I LOVE spending time contemplating all that my Savior did for me. It is awesome, and I don't mean that like the slang word, but actually awe inspiring. I love Him more than anyone and I am trying really hard to be patient and trust Him.

I think God has an awesome sense of humor

That's why I woke up to 4 inches of snow on my car this morning. Good one.

Any way, moving on...can I just tell you that I LOVED LOVED LOVED this book! I can't wait for the next one to come out in May, and not just because the book had a cliffhanger ending (just an FYI for ya) not a super bad one, just a great lead in to the next book...which isn't out yet....which makes me a little sad.

And B, because I know you're going to ask. No, there are no vampires in this book. There are some unique individuals with a certain circumstance that makes them different from others, but not in an unnatural way...its hard to explain without giving away too many details of the book. But lets just say that in a fight between Edward and Dante, Dante would win...the end. :)

I have also been reading the Percy Jackson series, which I have previously mentioned, and I do reccomend those books if you haven't already read them. I have not yet seen the movie, although I hear that it is not anything like the book, so I am slightly intrigued.

I made my parents watch the movie The Blindside the other night...that was fun, and they really enjoyed it. I liked that movie a lot. I like that it shows that there are still good people in the world. I don't think we see that very often.

I am going to my mission reunion tomorrow for a little bit. I don't know exactly how awkward it will be, hopefully not too bad, but time will tell. I may have some good stories for you later this weekend!

I am finally feeling happy again. I took a step back and stopped worrying about a few things that are really not in my control and oh what a difference it has made! I got another calling the other day. I am now a Sunday School teacher which I am actually kind of excited about. I love teaching gospel related things, it makes me happy. I think its because the gospel is the one thing in my life that I feel I am good at as far as my knowledge goes. I realize I don't hold a candle to like any of my brothers, or my sister, but in comparison to most the people my age, I feel like I kind of know a lot. And maybe that's just me being prideful, but the gospel is a huge part of my life. Its who I am, who I always have been, and who I always plan on being.

Good times, good times...

Remember Luke?? Yeah, that guy from my institute class last semester...well I keep running into him in random places. Its strange. Like ihop at 1:00 in the morning. I blogged about that last time very briefly, but let me go into it a little bit.
   So, my coworkers and I go to Ihop rather frequently. I don't know how this happened, or why it continues on, but it is a fun tradition and we have made a good friend there. Any way, we were there late one night and we were paying before we left. Now mind you, I looked like a homeless person. I was still wet from doing the dishes that night, my hair looked horrible ( I have to wear a baret at work, which is the most attrocious hat ever, and does nothing to improve my hair when I leave work!) and I just didn't feel cute...at all! So, we are all standing by the cash register and we heard the door open. Out of curiosity I glanced over at the door to see who it was and low and behold, Luke walks through the doors. "Hey Luke" I said quite casually. He looks over at me and says "Soozee, hey!" and walks over, he put his arm out I thought he was going to give someone a high five behind me or something...okay, I don't know what I was thinking, but next thing I know he is giving me a side hug (awkward, as I have previously mentioned on several occasions, but allowable since it was from Luke and he's never hugged me before; side hug or otherwise)  and I just stood there because he was too close for me to move my arm and give him a hug back and not only that, but I was so surprised that his arm was around me that I didn't move at all! So we talked for a minute, and I was still just so surprised to see him and I said "Wow, that is just so random" and he said "What, were you talking about me or something?" to which I replied, "No, not at all, I just didn't expect to see anyone I knew walk into Ihop at 1:00am." and then said our good byes and I haven't really talked to him since. Strange, but also kind of fun. It was nice to remember back to last semester and talking to Luke instead of freaking out like I have been lately.
    Speaking of my recent freak outs...I have taken a step back and examined my life and found that I need to be careful how much I choose to care. So, I have stopped freaking out and caring so much about things I can't really control and have prayed earnestly that the Lord will watch over those that I am worried about and I will figure out how they best fit into my life.
    In other news, I went to Salt Lake on Saturday night and hung out with Fort and my brother. It was a lot of fun and we watched a fairly entertaining movie and mocked it mercilessly. Highly entertaining. Good times were had by all, I believe.
    I finished the 2nd Percy Jackson book today and am about to start the 3rd. I really like this series of books and recommend it to all, especially if you liked the Harry Potter series. This is a great series of books and they are a very quick and easy read. I am glad my brother told me to start reading them. He is pretty awesome (ha ha, there's your shout out, brother!!)
    And now on to a new week!! I think it will be a good week and I hope for the best!

I have started about 3 or 4 new posts and then gotten frustrated with them and deleted them without publishing. Crazy, I know...so hopefully this one will get posted and you can actually read it!

So, a couple of weeks ago I met up with some friends in Salt Lake. One of them, who happens to be one of my best friends, had recently started dating someone and wanted me to meet them. It was slightly awkward for a little while because it was me and this couple. I generally don't hang out with a couple because then I am bound to feel like a third wheel, which I don't really like...so I try to avoid it as best I can. But, this was a special circumstance since it was one of my best friends. I feel that I dealt with the awkwardness well, but it was still pretty clear that I was not completely comfortable. But, I survived and am now moving on.

I am reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series...I am a huge fan. I haven't seen the movie yet, and I hear that the movie is nowhere near as good as the book, so it will be interesting to see. I am almost done with the second book and will probably take a break to read The Hourglass Door before finishing the Percy Jackson series. Also, I have been working on my own book, which is really fantastic. I love it. I love writing. I have found new inspiration and am excited to let in unfold on paper!

Well, that's the update on my life. Crazy, random, mostly fun. Hooray!!

Oh, also, I have finally found a name for my car...Logan. It totally fits!! I love it. I was hanging out with AHG and he helped me figure out a name for my car. I hadn't seen AHG in a LONG time, so it was fun to hang out with him again. ALSO, remember Cute institute boy from last semester? Yeah, I ran into him at IHOP at 1:00 AM the other night...he gave me an awkward side hug, and it was crazy, but also fun and random. I hadn't seen him in a while either. Its been a nice refreshing little bit of time here that I have run into old friends and found new ones!!

Synidcate

Halfway around the world lies the one thing that you want

buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down

The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake

is bending you 'til you break, let me hold you now

Baby, close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light

Baby, don't forget, we haven't lost it all yet.

Don't know what you're made of 'til the one thing that you want

is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes

The Monday syndicate meets everyone the same

all we've lost to the flame, listen to me now

Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light

Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet

all we know for sure is all that we are fighting for

Baby don't forget we haven't lost it all yet

Someday when this is over

we may still have no answers

For now it's when I hold her

we are closer

Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light

Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet

All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for

Baby don't forget we haven't lost it all yet

We are closer.

-The Fray

Sometimes I just have to keep reminding myself- Sooz, just close your eyes and don't open 'til the morning light. Don't ever forget, you haven't lost it all yet. All you know for sure is all that you are fighting for, please don't forget you haven't lost it all yet.
And then when I wake up in the morning its a brand new day and somehow everything seems like it will be alright. People wonder why I love the Fray so much...its because their music generally brings me peace, and I love it. So ha.

Come What May

I'm sure you've all heard the song from Moulin Rouge, Come What May...I LOVE this song. Absolutely love it. I have loved it since I heard it when I was living back in Logan. With everything that has been going on in my life I have been looking back a lot at the times I spent there. I LOVED living in Logan. I had great friends there and good times. That's part of why I want to move back. But that song has stuck with me. Come what may...such a great theme for life. In fact, I read another blog about it here. She is also doing a giveaway for an adorable necklace. Any way, I was reading that blog post and trying not to break down because today has just been hard. And not even the whole day, just since I was getting ready for work.
    The one friend I was afraid to lose I feel like I've lost. The one thing that has been constant is fading away. I am so happy for so many of my friends that have great things happening in their lives. So many joyous blessings are going all around to everyone...everyone except me, I feel. I feel like I am stuck in this stupid rut and I can't get out. I can't move forward, and its killing me. I am trying to be patient, I am trying to focus on the good things in my life (because there really are many). But right now I still feel like I'm failing at life, and it sucks.
    So, reading that post kind of reminded me why I keep doing what I do. I just need to keep having faith and trusting in my truly amazing Heavenly Father who knows far better than I do the benefits of the trials and experiences I am having. I know He has great things in store for me, I just have to be patient. Come what may, because as long as I keep my faith strong, I will never face anything alone.

Is it spring yet??? I am so annoyed with the snow!!

I was going to post all my annoyances and frustrations with working in customer service, but that is such an unpleasant topic that I don't like to deal with even when I have to because that is what I get paid to do.

A few weeks ago on Masterpiece Theater they did a mini series version of "Emma" which isn't my favorite Jane Austen story, but one that I do like. Well, I watched it with my brother and his wife and fell in love with it!!! Oh my gosh, I LOVED LOVED LOVED this version of it. I do also like the Gwenyth Paltrow/ Jeremy Northam version. If you mixed the two, it would be the perfect version of the story. I actually got the DVD for my birthday, and upon watching it again, I discovered that on TV they had cut some of the scenes, which I find interesting since some of them were kind of important tidbits of information that complete the story. But, that's okay because I have it on DVD and can watch it in its entirety anytime I want *smiley face*.

I went to Salt Lake to go to Fiddler on the Roof with my brother last night. It was really quite good. I was impressed. It was done by the Hale Center Theater which I had never been to. It was fun and I was glad to spend some time with my brother.

Sometimes the Hardest Thing and the Right Thing Are the Same

Ever feel like you are living below the potential you know you are capable of? So, you set goals and make plans to do better and it seems like you are totally sucking at that too, and then one day you look back and you realize that you have been working as hard as you possibly can towards these goals that seemed impossible, and even though you may not have reached them, you are a lot farther than you thought you were. And then you feel hope and you keep going, and you try harder and harder and become better and better. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now, only I'm not really at the better and better part yet. I feel like I am finally making progress though. I feel like I am actually accomplishing things and that I am becoming a better person. I LOVE IT!!!
    I am currently reviewing the goals I have set for myself, looking at the ones I have accomplished, and setting new ones, or adjusting the ones I didn't quite make to do better. It is amazing how great it feels when you see progress. It lights a fire within me to set more goals and keep moving forward.

A Weight Being Lifted

So, I don't know if you noticed from my apparently "cryptic" posts previously, but I've been going through some interesting times lately. I really can't go into specifics, not just because I don't want to talk about who they are generally involving, but also because there literally aren't actual words to describe what I am feeling.
   I go through phases of hating life, to tolerating it, to almost loving it. I'm one of those people that thinks that if just "such and such" would happen, then I will be perfectly happy and life will be amazing. However, "such and such" never really happens, and even if it did, I don't think I would be perfectly happy. There are always ups and downs.
    However, about a week ago all of this crap that had been on my mind started to ease and although I am not free of the worry and fear that I was facing, it is much more at ease and I have a much better grip on reality, and my life in general. It is such a good feeling to feel the hand of the Lord on your shoulder telling you to calm down, that He is in control and all that He asks of you is to do your best. He isn't asking for miracles to be performed on our own, but He is willing to help us make miracles happen. I just pray for them when I need them most.
     I have been trying my best to be as close to the Lord as I can lately, and although I have my days when I am sure He just shakes His head at me, I feel a lot closer to Him. That was one thing I struggled with when I came home from my mission...I didn't feel as close to my Savior as I did out on the mission. Which is bound to happen since I was no longer worrying and focusing on others, I was now focusing on myself. I still feel like I am adjusting at times, and I will probably feel like this the rest of my life. Trying to find the balance.
   I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense at all, its just me rambling on and on and on....

PS: Nat, you would be proud of my organization efforts in my room. Pictures to follow soon!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!

Because this blog is written only by me and about me, you get to hear all about ME all the time. I'm so sorry for all of you!!!
    Any way, it was my birthday yesterday and I had so much fun with my friends! I did not end up going ice fishing, which I confess was kind of nice because then I got to sleep in, which was absolutely fantasticly wonderful!!! My amazing sister-in-law made my cake for me as a gift which I am forever grateful for. She is always looking out for me and doing amazing things for me! I love her and my brother (and their kids) to death!!! They are AMAZING (ha ha, I totally just gave you a shout out ;).
    Any way, here is the cake before we lit it on fire:

when I was in Logan the last time and planning everything out with Tex (since his birthday is the day before mine) I mentioned it would be a dragon cake and he asked if it was Albi the Racist Dragon...and if you don't know who Albi is, here is a clip for you to explain the jelly bean tears:

I picked the one with the animation to give you a better visual.
Here is a picture once we lit the candles:

 

don't those flames just look amazing??

Here are a few other random shots of the people and the party for you:

 

Me, Tex, and the cake. He seriously can't keep a straight face if a camera is around. There are 2 blue candles, and 5 pink ones to make 25 since we both turned 25.

 

Fort, who happens to be one of my BEST friends, ever. 

 

Elen and Emily, good friends from work and my mission. Also amazing people. THE END.

Tex was just a little excited to try the cake...actually he really just wanted to eat one of the wings made out of fruit roll ups. They were quite delicious....yum!!!!

All in all, it was a fantastic day and I had so much fun with my family, and my friends!! I'm not excited to be 25, but I am excited to start this new chapter in my life.