Invisible

I am not a quiet person. I mean, I can be, I totally can be, but in general I have no issue talking in front of groups of people, I can let my opinion be known. I do not hide easily among people mostly because I am not small. I am 6'0" tall, and have the build of a football player, and for a woman, that is not common. People generally notice when I walk into a room and therefore I am used to the stares as people internally wonder exactly how tall I am. Or if I, maybe, eat small children for breakfast (which I do not, btw). So, I am not quiet, but for a not quiet person I certainly do seem to be invisible to a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I am loved and I have a great family. There are plenty of people that care a great deal for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to happen to me, I would have an amazing support system already in place....at least I think I would? I'm not willing to test this theory, so we'll just go with it. But beyond my relatively small group of friends and family, I feel like the world, in general, does not see me. This is proven by the year of applying for hundreds of jobs with a completely stellar resume (three or four of them, actually) and only getting 2 interviews. One of which was because my brother got me the interview. When I got hired at my current job one of the management staff pulled me aside and asked why I hadn't gotten hired before by anyone because my credentials were amazing and I have great skills and interview well. I told her I had not idea, it was not for a lack of trying.

Any way, I often, especially lately, feel invisible. I have felt invisible to guys for years, especially the guys I have developed feelings for. It really sucks when you fall for someone who barely notices you exist. In some ways, it almost worse than if they just told you they didn't like you and to go away. It's one of those things that is devastating in the long run and, unfortunately, has taught me to keep my distance from people. I actually let few people into my life. I am close to some, but only a very select few have ever seen me cry, or seen me cry when I really had no reason why I was.

This post is getting a little too close for my liking, but I really felt like I needed to share. I don't know, maybe someone reading this also feels invisible, but doesn't know quite what to do about it. Being invisible has it's perks. There was once I just stopped texting my friends first, like, I decided I would not initiate a conversation just to see how long it took some people to notice. This was good for two reasons, 1. It helped me see who among my friends wanted me around. And 2, it helped me not be as clingy or as needy. I can be a needy person, or I feel like I can be. I initiate friendships too often and give of myself too freely at times. It's hard because I tend to be a giving person. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that can be a problem sometimes when you are invisible to people 90 percent of the time. I have a really bad habit of collecting people that just want things from me. I'm an amazing baker and a really good cook, so I have had friends want to hang out with me because of that. I am very giving of my time and energy and have had friends only hang out with me for that. Yet, when I struggle and when I actually need someone, I often find myself completely alone. Pert of it is that I don't really know how to reach out to people. There are times when I need help and I need a friend, but don't want to inconvenience anyone, especially if I feel like my feelings are irrational. I had a friend tell me yesterday that my irrational feelings were still valid feelings and that it was okay to feel them. We need this kind of friend in our lives because it really doesn't matter if we're crying over the end of a TV show, or if we're crying over someone completely ignoring our existence whether on purpose or not. All of those feelings came from somewhere. All of that emotion is valid.

Which brings me back to feeling invisible. I promise you, you're not invisible. Not to the people that really matter. And trust me, sometimes you feel like no one truly sees you and it sucks and it's hard. I get it. I have been there so many times I don't even try to keep track. But you're so strong. And you just haven't found the people that will truly see you. They're coming, I promise you that. Hold on to that hope. Hold on for just a little bit longer. I find myself saying that when things get really hard. Hard things make you stronger, and when things feel uncomprehensibly hard and you really don't want to be stronger, that's when the really awesome things start happening . So, please, just hang on a little bit longer, okay? Because you're amazing. And if you're thinking 'But Sooz, you don't even know me', that may be true, but I have felt invisible a lot and it always gets better. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like, but it does get better, I promise you that.

And to finish up, here's a great music video that fits with the theme of this post!

Um...I didn't die, I promise

So, if anyone still reads this then let me apologize again for my lack of writing. It's not because I don't love you. Because I totally do. Mostly it's because I was trying really hard to graduate college while I was still 30. It's ridiculous, I know, but I just wanted to say I had graduated college by the time I was 30. 31 just sounds weirder. It's my OCD with numbers.

Um, so I did it. I graduated. I passed my last semester of classes and will walk in April as UVU only does one commencement a year. Go me! It's a huge accomplishment in my book. Nigh unto finishing my mission, which may sound ridiculous unless you've been there. A few years ago I felt like I hadn't really accomplished anything with my life and now I can say that I served a mission and graduated college. My parents would also like to see me add "got married and had kids" to my list of accomplishments, but these things take time.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but after years and years of really awesome self doubt and frustration with Heavenly Father about how my life was playing out, I am actually really cool with being single. Does it still suck living in Utah County where I am pretty much an old maid? Yeah, it kind of does. Mostly because there are no prospects here. There are LOTS of single guys, but none that I can ever see myself dating let alone marrying. They are also, on average, around seven or eight years younger than me. And I'm not really the cougar type. SO, waiting it is. I worked out a deal with my Heavenly Father that I think will work out great for all involved. And, you know what? I'm actually pretty excited about it. I feel like I took a really really long time getting to this place in my life where I finally see things  in a much broader perspective. And I'm willing to wait a little longer for things that will be better in my life. Guys, this is going to be my year. I can feel it. I've got so much coming my way and I can't wait to see all my hard work and plans come full circle.

Any way, if any of you are still reading this, just let me know. If not, I don't know. I'll probably just start adding poems that I wrote and stuff.

BTW, I got a poem published. That was cool.

I'm NOT dead!!!

I thought I wrote a post or two this summer. Apparently I did not. Sorry about that. I feel like I write so infrequently that people have probably given up on me by now. To anyone still reading, thank you! You are truly a gem!

So, what's new with me? I started school again. This is the beginning of the end. It's kind of really scary. I moved home to save money, and have been writing up a storm. A lot of what I've been writing is really terrible, but has a lot of potential. This is the part of writing I dislike. The writing things out knowing that you're going to have to go back and rewrite it again. I know that in the end I'll be so happy with the result, but right now it's just hard to think about. All the work. All the edits. All the criticism. I try to not think about them and focus on the exciting beginning parts.

I wrote three stories on Thursday. In all three stories, someone dies. Apparently I am a killer, fictionally speaking.

I started a story about a girl who knows that she's unique and different than anyone else but has to hide who she is for a time because no one would understand who she is or how amazing she is. She's got super powers (because why not?!) and she meets a boy that looks like superman and they become friends. This is funny because she's the one with the super powers. ha ha. Here, I'll share a little bit of the story with you. It's a Flash Fiction piece, and it's a very very rough draft, but I hope you like it:

I was five. It was a Tuesday. Dad had just taken me to the comic book store. The newest Captain America comic had come out, so obviously I needed it. Mom never understood. Tuesdays were not her favorite days.

Dad's funeral was on a Tuesday. I remember because Mom took me to the comic book store after. I think she was trying to take my mind off of him dying, but she didn't realize that the whole trip permanently associated Tuesdays with Dad's funeral. She was a mess. Couldn't stop crying. No one could blame her. A widow at twenty eight with a freak for a daughter.

I was never like the other kids. Dad got that, Mom struggled. She always wanted the pretty little princess of a girl. I have always preferred comic books to fairy tales. This is really when my love for Tuesdays began. See, kids picked on me at school so the first Tuesday of my second grade year, Dad took me to the comic book store. Superman, Batman, Iron Man, all of them were there. I seemed to understand them, and they me. I drank them in like water on a hot day.

I grew up alone. Kind of like Spiderman; except without the radioactive spider bite. I was more like Superman in that I came by my “abilities” from birth.

My dad always told me that I was born with open eyes so I could take in everything. I still miss him sometimes. It's an odd sensation-missing someone. There's nothing you can do to see or hear from them again, and yet it's like they are just barely out of reach.

On this particular Tuesday, I was really missing Dad. I went to pick up the new Wolverine comic. Last weeks had been a cliffhanger and I was dying to know what happened. I walked in to the old store. It smelled like old books and cigarette smoke. A couple of kids played on the pinball machine. I saw Lenny, the owner.

“Hey kid. Come for the new one?” He sounded like he was from Brooklyn, which is funny because he grew up in Clevland.

“Yeah, you got it?” I asked, pretty sure of the answer.

“Is it Tuesday?” Was his response. Yes. It was Tuesday, most blessed of days. Lenny pulls it straight from the box and hands it to me. I hand over the cash with exact change. He counts it and laughs as he opens the register with a ding.

“I'll never understand how you do that.” He talks to me, but neither of us are actually paying attention to each other.

“It's a talent.” I say as an afterthought, completely engrossed in my new comic. I walk out the door without looking and run into something. My glasses go flying and I find myself sprawled on the ground, which has never happened to me before. I tend to be a little more on the Superman side in that aspect too.

“Hi, I'm Clark. I just moved here from Kansas.” He holds out his hand for me to shake. Is this guy for real?

“Hi, I'm Emi. I'm from here.” I say as I take his hand. We shake hands briefly and then he takes a step away to pick up my glasses. I put them back on, even though I don't need them and take him in. He's taller than me, has dark curl hair, I'm guessing his plaid shirt comes in several colors, and he probably owns them all. Before I get ahead of myself, I turn to him and say,

“So, Clark, how do you feel about Tuesdays?” A grin crosses his face.

“It's the best day of the week. Is that the new Wolverine comic?! I was just going to buy it!”

“Yes. And this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Clark. I just know it.”

..... ...... .....so..... ........ .......what did you think? It's jumpy, timeline wise, but I have a hard time staying in one place. Especially when I'm working on LIGHTS, which I currently am. Ah LIGHTS. Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE that story? Time travel, attractive men, fighting, drama. *sigh* it's just so fantastic. I love it. 

I rewrote the beginning of LIGHTS and have added so much to the story. It is so much better than what I started with. The idea behind it is so much deeper and broader. Oh my gosh, I love it. SO. MUCH. 

I also have an idea in my head of who I would like to play both Ian and Donnavan in the movie (because it's totally going to happen). And here they are:

This guy, here, is who I see playing Donnavan. Dark hair, kind of mysterious, totally capable of being a completely devious character that is out to destroy all that is good and light. Yep. I have found my Donnavan. His real name is Jackson Hurst and he is from the TV show Drop Dead Diva, which is a favorite of mine. Total guilty pleasure show. The ironic thing is he plays a really nice decent human being on that show and I want him to be the villain. I think he can do it. 

And this guy over here is who I picture playing Ian. I actually met him last weekend at Comic Con, and it was further proof that I was right in wanting to cast him. He is a genuinely nice person in real life, which is always a plus. He's from the TV show Arrow as the main guy, Oliver Queen. His real name is Stephen Amell. 

And I know what you're thinking, But Sooz, WHAT ABOUT TOM?!?!?!?!?! It is indeed a very good question. But I can't cast Tom Hiddleston in all my movies. That would get boring. 

Well, I hope you have a fantastic week! Or month! Or however long it takes for me to write again!! 

Does anybody read this anymore?

I have no idea if people still read this blog. I've been horrible at writing, and for that I apologize. BUT, I recently discovered this author. Her name is Jenni James. She's actually a friend of a friend and her books are pretty fantastic. I have several copies of many of them. Any way, she's got another book coming out in her Jane Austen series, Emmalee, and since she spelled Emmalee's name the same as my fake British assistant, I couldn't help but LOVE the snippet I have read of it. Here is a link to her blog that has a give away for Emmalee. You should go enter...actually, don't because I want to win. ha ha ha.