I need light in the dark as I search for THE RESOLUTION....

As the new year has started, I purposely did not make any resolutions to do better. I didn't make any promises to myself that I would some how dramatically change now that a new year has started. But as the new year has begun rolling out, I can't help but feel a sense of urgency about a few things. I can be a bit of a slacker when it comes to things like writing on my journal, ironic, I know. But, I felt like I really ought to be keeping up with things of that nature. I have an incredible story to tell. Dull at times, yes, but also very exciting. This leads me to tell you all about one of the exciting adventures I'm starting this year! But first, a music video from Jack's Mannequin that is the title of this post:

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a classmate and asked if I'd be interested in writing a screenplay for someone. I said "absolutely!" and she sent the contact information to me. I emailed this guy who is needing a script ASAP and he responded and we started talking about the project. 

Guys. This is what I've been wanting to do with my life. Writing! Real things that will be made into real movies!! How fantastic is that?! It's very exciting, but currently I'm waiting. Always waiting.

In other news, have you guys heard of a bullet journal? I'm intrigued by the concept and have thought about starting one. I have a hard enough time coming up with things to blog about....well, to find time to blog about. I come up with topics every day and most of them get filed away in the back of my mind and at first they hope that I'll pull the file out again later, but it really hasn't happened yet...one day, perhaps. But the joy of bullet journaling is that it is meant to be a quick thing that reminds you of your life, and who doesn't need that. We may not want to remember things, but we need to. They help us to remember the struggles in life. The wait before something great happens in your life. It's excruciating, but it's necessary. And I want to do better at remembering it!

I am also starting another project. Another! I was baking for the holidays, enjoying the very busy week I had had. Writing, job interviews and the like, and in the middle of Cinderella, you know, the one that came out in 2015 with Lilly James, so I'm in the middle when the princes comes running to save her in the forest and he doesn't tell her who she is and this whole fairy tale unfolded in my mind. But it wasn't the classic one I grew up with. There wasn't actual magic or a fairy godmother, per se. There was the basic details of Cinderella with a twist. It took place in Solais and is a story Ian grew up with. Then, my mind just started going at a million miles an hour with a whole series of fairy tales with a Solais twist. It's actually helping me expand the universe I started to create when I started writing LIGHTS. This is giving the whole world more depth and character. Cinderella will take place in both Solais and a neighboring kingdom that controls fire in the same manner that Solais controls light. Cool, no? It is. It is cool. And there's a masquerade and Cinderella can't stand the prince at first and he can't stand her and they fall for each other without realizing who the other is. It's brilliant. There's also ballet involved and just a wonderful wonderful story that I can not wait to tell you about!!

And then, while I was binge watching some Hallmark movies, because I am sha
melessly addicted to them, I was watching one and this guy keeps popping up in them and I found him intriguing and so I went to find all of the hallmark movies he's in. Because I have, like, all of them. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. And I watched, like, four hallmark movies that he's in. I'm pretty sure that I want him to be a prince in one of my stories. Because everything I write, I write as if it were going to be made into a movie. Often when I describe a character, I am describing an actual person that I would like to portray that character at some point. And I would LOVE to have both Andrew Walker (the guy from all the hallmark movies) and Blake Lively in one of my fairy tales. And Anna Kendrick. I could go on and on. But I'll leave you with this very rough beginning to Cinderella:

There are always things that must be. The sun setting in the west. Hour follows hour and each day leads to the next. And just as there are things that must be, there are people that are destined to follow paths they never thought they could.

Once, a long time ago, there was a beautiful girl named Ethne. She had followed her dreams as far as she could and had achieved her greatest goal of starring in a real ballet company production. She was set to play the lead role in the New York City Ballet company's production of Firebird. She would be the firebird! She could not believe her luck! She practiced every day, all day. She gave her heart and soul for the opportunity and just days before opening night she found a ring box tucked away in a box filled with her mother's things. Her mother, sadly, had died when she was a girl. It had been years since she had even looked at the box, let alone opened it up. The hinges creaked as she gently lifted the lid to reveal a rather unusual ring. It had a celtic eternity knot around the band that entwined at the top holding a fiercely red ruby at the pinnacle of the ring. Ethne felt a pull coming from the ring and took it out of it's box and slid it gently on to her right index finger. It fit perfectly. As soon as the ring was in place, though, Ethne noticed things around her start to change. The setting sun through the window seemed to be brighter, and it almost looked like the sun was on fire, but that would be ridiculous. The sun couldn't be on fire. At least, not this close to where Ethne was. Or could it? Ethne glanced around the room, frantic for an explanation, but there wasn't one. Her lamp on the bedside table seemed to also grow in brightness until the room was consumed in a brightness that caused Ethne to cover her eyes.

She noticed the smell of the earth first, then as the brightness faded, she heard the sound of a bird singing as it flew overhead. It was a sound unlike any bird she had heard before. And there was a musical tone to the trees. Ethne opened her eyes and found herself no longer in her room, but in a very unusual forest. She gasped as she took in the view around her. The trees were taller and wider than any tree she'd ever seen. Not even the Redwoods she'd seen last summer could compare. And the silver veins that ran through the trunks was breathtaking and beautiful. A breeze danced around her and she noticed the tinkling sound of silver. She looked up into the branches of the trees and noticed that even the veins of the green leaves were silver.

Where have I gone to? She thought to herself, and before she could answer herself she heard someone running through the trees and then rush to a stop. A young man stood before her. His silverish gray eyes caught her attention first. Then his sandy blonde hair with the smallest hint of scruff on his face. He looked at her in amazement and she couldn't help but feel her expression must be similar to his.

Like I said, ROUGH rough draft. But, It's a start. So, there's still some other exciting stuff happening, but I can't tell you about it just yet. So, in the mean time, listen to this song. It aptly sums up how I feel about life right now. It's called So Close and it's from Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness and he wrote it last year when he felt like all of these amazing things were just around the corner.

He said it's that moment when you feel like everything is either going to work out or fall apart and you're so close to amazing things happening. That's how I feel. I'm so close to either finally moving forward with my life or having everything fall apart. And either way, it's going to be an amazing journey. I can't wait. I'm so excited for everything that's going on in my life right now. Even if I am just kind of waiting to see what pans out. It's finding joy in the journey, you know? So close. 

Batman V Superman, and other things

First of all, here's 2 chapters of Changing Tyde that I completely changed. Let me know what you think. They're SUPER rough drafts, but you should get the idea:

Chapter 2 - Kyla

I didn't think about how hard it was going to be to pack up my apartment. I moved quite frequently through out my college experience, this should be a piece of cake. But this time was harder than any of the other times. Everything I touched had a memory with him attached to it. I found myself reliving the last three years over and over again, each item bringing the pain in a new light. At this rate, I'll never get packed in time.

I finish packing the last box in the living room. I need to be packed and ready to go in two days. I look around my still mostly full apartment and feel defeated. I tape up the box and set in on top of the others labeled with a thick black sharpie. I look to the half packed kitchen and don't even want to think about the bedroom. I've avoided the bedroom more than anything else. The memories that room holds will be worse than the rest.

It's just a one bedroom apartment. It shouldn't be this difficult. And yet, I've been packing for a month. Or, avoiding the packing for a month. I pick up another box, determined to tackle the kitchen tonight when my phone buzzes to life on the counter top next to the sink. It's my best friend and former roommate Shannon. I answer it.

“Hey! I was just calling to see if you needed any help yet?” She sounds cheerfully cautious.

“I thought I could do this by myself, but I think I've hit the point where I need some help. When are you free?” I ask, frustrated. But before I can even finish the question, there's a knock at the door. I walk over and open the door as Shannon ends the call and looks up at me.

“I'm glad you're willing to let me help because I was going to help whether you wanted it or not.” She informs me with all the sass that her southern drawl implies. I hug her, feeling like I might not fall completely apart with her here.

“Thank you, Shan. Ugh. I odn't know what I was thinking.” I tell her.

“You were thinking that you could whip this all out in a day and a half like all the times we moved from one apartment to the next. But this isn't like all the other times.” She states, and I know she's right.

“I just get frustrated so easily. I'll be packing a box in the kitchen and before I know it, I'm ugly crying over a skillet Nick's mom gave me at my bridal shower. It's so depressing. Are you sure you want to help?” I ask.

“I'm sure I want to help. What is the hardest for you to pack?” She asks, looking around at the progress I have made.

“I finished the living room, I was just about to start on the kitchen again. I haven't really touched the bedroom. I've kind of avoided that one the most. Do you want to work on the kitchen and I'll try working on the bedroom?” I try sounding optimistic and determined. Shannon just smiles at me and wraps an arm around me,

“How about we do the bedroom together?” She asks with an optimism I lost a long time ago. I nod and we head over to the bedroom.

It's not that I have a lot of stuff in my bedroom, it's just that was the last place I saw Nick. It's where we slept each night and where we talked for hours about our future. I had gotten rid of most of his stuff, but there were still memories everywhere I looked.

We had moved into this apartment as newlyweds and now I was leaving everything behind. Shannon started taking all of my clothes out of the closet and putting them in a box. She probably would have done the whole thing if I let her. But I couldn't let her do that, so I grabbed a box and started going through my drawers.

“Would you believe that I've already gone through everything in here, like, three times?” I say with a slight smile as I find pictures from my first date with Nick. I hold up the picture to show Shannon, “Remember this night?”

“How could I forget? You were so smitten by him. You couldn't stop talking about him. Which was hilarious because you swore you didn't like him.”Shannon reminds me. I laugh a little and put the pictures in a box.

“He caught me off guard. I wasn't supposed to meet anyone that semester.”

“And yet, the universe and Nick had other plans.” She responds. I laugh a little at the memories and keep going. Within an hour my bedroom is completely packed and we head to the kitchen.

I sit down at the table to rest for a minute. Shannon grabs a couple bottles of water out of the fridge for us and sits across from me.

“Was that easier?” She asks. I nod.

“I don't think I could have done that without you. Thanks.” I open the water and take a drink.

“I'm so glad. Is the kitchen all that's left?” She asks looking around.

“Yeah, pretty much. And it's half way there. The moving truck will be tomorrow. Leo and Mark are going down with me to help me move in down there and then they're flying back on Saturday. This is all happening so fast.”

“I know. I can't believe you're actually leaving me. What am I going to do without you?” She teases.

“Come visit me. I don't have a huge apartment, but I do have a couch. And I'm not far from the beach!” I tell her.

“Fine. You win. I'll be here tomorrow to help you load the truck.” She looks at me with concern. This isn't new. Everyone's looked at me like that for a year. It's what happens when your whole life gets turned upside down and you're left scrambling to put the pieces back together. It's how I look at myself in the mirror each morning.

Chapter 4 - Kyla

I pull into an empty parking spot. Spring is in full bloom as I walk slowly through the empty grass and walk the familiar path to the one place I have found myself most often over the last year. I'm glad no one else has decided to come visit so that I can say goodbye alone. I stop at the granite gravestone.

Nicholas Andrew Robinson

May 16, 1988 – January 20, 2015

Beloved Husband and Son

I place a small arrangement of Gerber daisies at the base of the stone and kneel careful down next to it. This place has become sacred ground over the last year while I have dealt with the loss of my best friend.

“Hey Nick. I finally got all packed up and am ready to go. Shannon came by and helped last night or I'd probably be ugly crying over a knife set we got for the wedding.” I try to laugh at the absurdity of the truth, “your mom promised to come by regularly and bring you flowers. I know it's a little ridiculous for us to bring you flowers when you really didn't like them, but it's our way to let you know we care about you still.” I'm rambling. To a gravestone. If Nick really were here, he'd be teasing me with that ridiculous grin and sharp green eyes. I can still see them as if he were truly standing in front of me.

“So. California. I can't believe it's actually happening. Mom and Dad are thrilled to have me closer. They offered me the guest suite at their house, but I just couldn't move back in with them. I'm not the little girl that left there anymore. I did get the apartment down on 6^th Ave. It's a small studio apartment, but it'll do until I get on my feet again. Besides it's just me.” I can feel all of my emotions ebbing and flowing and rising like a river. I wasn't supposed to be alone ever again.

“I guess I really just wanted to come and say goodbye. Not for forever. I plan to come back and visit. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you completely changed my life, Nick, and I'll always love you for that. You showed up when I thought I didn't need anyone and proved me wrong. I love how you changed everything about my life and made me a better person. I will never forget you, or our life together. I will treasure each day we spent together and even though I'm moving away and moving on, that doesn't mean I'm going to forget you. I could never forget you. I still love you so much that it hurts. My heart is still broken and as long as I stay here it will be. I think that's part of why I took this job so soon. Because as long as I stay here all I'll think about is losing you. And I don't think you'd want me to stay here and dwell on what was. I think you want me to be happy. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Move on and be happy. I love you, Nick. Always.” I wipe away the tears that have collected and stand up to walk away. The sun is setting in front of me and the light dances through the trees and across Nick's grave. I smile and turn to walk back to my car. The pain of saying goodbye is just as hard as it was the day he was buried here.

.....sooooooo.....what did you think??? I'm actually really curious. You should, maybe, leave your thoughts in the comments or something.

Also, went and saw Batman V Superman last night after I revised 46 pages of the above story. It was a crazy awesome day and then I went to the movies with Liam, which was a lot of fun. It was a pretty good movie. They referenced a lot of different comic book story lines, so I'm curious where they take this. In my dream world, I will work for DC as a screenwriter. It's going to be awesome and their movies will be great. Any way, let me know what you thought of Changing Tyde. I know it's a lot different from where the story started and I am so happy that I get to keep working on it!!

3 Posts in 1 Week?! What the what?!

I know, I know, you're wishing I wouldn't have gotten back on the blogging bandwagon, BUT, I am trying to focus more on my writing and this is a good way for me to do that. I can talk to you, my dear readers, and talk through all of my problems. And give you random scraps of stuff that I write. Hehehe. I know you love ALL THE THINGS, right? Right.

So, without further ado, an excerpt of LIGHTS that I wrote today. This is when Emma and Ian are talking together. They've talked a couple of times, but still don't really know each other. It's still definitely a work in progress and this is soooo rough, but it gives you an idea. It's like a pre sketch if I were an artist with pencils and colors instead of words.

I walk briskly down the street to the hospital. I check my phone. It's nearly 9:00. I look in the coffee shop as I pass. Ian isn't in his spot. Just as I pass the doors, one of them swings open barely missing me.

“Sorry, mate! I didn't see-” Ian's panicked voice hits me before I actually see him. I stop and turn to see him walking, book in hand, the same direction I have stopped.

“Oh! Hi! Oh, no worries, you didn't hit me with the door.” I am surprised at the cheeriness in my own voice. As if I am excited to see Ian.

“That's a relief. I must have been walking absentmindedly.” He answers as I start to walk away. He starts walking the same direction. I give him a sideways glance. He notices and responds, “I work down here just a couple of blocks, where are you headed?” His reasoning is sound, I don't know why I momentarily freaked out when he started walking to same way as me.

“Oh, uh, just down here to Children's Memorial. They've had a busy morning, so I have to go in and see if I can help.”I am surprised by the ease I am in able to talk to him.

“Ah, A nurse? Doctor? Cafeteria worker?” He asks nonchalantly, and yet I feel so comfortable I momentarily forget that I really don't know him..

“Oh, I'm a doctor. I've been here for about three years now. It's the greatest job in the world. I love helping kids.”

“A kid doctor. That is impressive.” He says. I smile at his approval.

“Yeah, I lost my mom in a car accident as a kid and I was in the car too. The doctors that saved my life really changed the way I see the world and I wanted to be like them so I grew up and became a doctor.”

“You are a remarkable woman, Emma.” His words are rich and full of respect. I blush slightly at the admiration. Before I could respond, my phone went off again. It was work.

“Excuse me for just a second?” I ask. He nods as I turn to talk on the phone.

“False alarm, Emma. We've got it covered. We'll keep you posted if anything else happens.” Marques's deep voice tells me before I can get a word in.

“Okay, thanks. Definitely keep me posted. Okay, bye” I hang up the phone. Ian is glancing over at the horizon.

“Sorry about that. I guess they don't need me after all.”

“Is the child okay, I take it?”

“Oh. Oh, no, I help out in the ER from time to time if they get too slammed and need an extra pair of hands.”

“You just keep getting more and more impressive, don't you?” He winks at me.

“Thank you, but I just do what I can to help people. It's not anything to really take notice of.” Ian smiles and laughs lightly to himself. I ask, “What is it?”

“You just remind me of my girlfriend. Quite a lot, actually.” He has a girlfriend?

“Oh?” I say.

“She's a very kind and considerate person. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.” My curiosity was getting the best of me. I was so intrigued by this unknown woman who had his heart. I almost felt a little jealous.

“Tell me about her.” I state. I didn't even ask.

“She's beautiful. The kind of beauty that you come across once in a lifetime. Everything about her is beautiful. Her hair, her lips, her voice, the way that she walks, everything. I was drawn to her from the moment I saw her and have never looked back. She is my guardian angel. She guides me through the storms I face and pushes me to be the best version of myself.” He speaks with such confidence I feel a little intimidated by her. I also know doubt he has ever actually flirted with me. The way he talks about his love is unmistakable. It's almost like she there with him even though she's not.

“Where is she?” I ask.

“She's back home. I'm only out here for another few weeks. She came to visit a couple weeks ago. We've gone back and forth while I've been working here. Hopefully soon I can just work close to home and be with her. I think she'd like that too.” There was a slight falter in his words, as if he was hoping this would happen more than it being a sure thing.

“I hope that happens for you. Everyone deserves to be with the one they love.” I hoped these words would be true for him.

“Thank you. I hope that things work out with you and your boyfriend as well.” He sounded genuine, but I suddenly felt like my relationship with Trent was so small in comparison to Ian and his love.

“Ha. We are just starting out. We've only been together for about six months. We've only just started talking about moving in together. I mean we spend so much time together we might as well. I'm tired of the back and forth of his place and mine. I'd really rather just wake up next to him in the same place each night, you know?” I didn't even think about the words as I said them until I noticed Ian's expression. He tried to hide it, but it was almost a twinge of pain as I talked about moving in with Trent. I don't understand. I quickly change the subject.

“Any way, I better let you get to work. I should head back home. I've got a whole day to get back to.” I turn to leave.

“Emma, wait.” I stop as he says my name. I don't want to face him. I don't want to see the judgement in his eyes. He continues any way, “I just hope that you are truly happy. Regardless of what I may have said or not said, I hope you are happy. Truly. With all my heart I hope you find what you're looking for.”

“Thanks.” I whisper and as I turn to finally face him, he's gone. Not just down the street a ways, but completely gone. I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. What is going on? I look at my phone. It's 10:22. How can an hour and a half already have passed? I shake off the feeling of loss and disapproval that has snuck in and head back to my apartment.  

Sooooooo.......what did you think? That ended up being A LOT longer on here than it did on the page I was writing it on....weird. Any way, hit or miss? Or neither? I have no idea! I just know that I like where this is going. Because at the beginning you think it's a typical love story and then BAM I throw you into time and space and craziness and awesomeness and fighting and life and death type stuff. It's great. I love it. 

This is What Happens When You Graduate College

'''''I have been binge watching shows. I have been writing like a mad woman. I haven't left my room in days, other than to go to my job. I curled my hair the other day just to do something different. This is the life of a college graduate. I applied for jobs in New York, Chicago, Miami, Fort Collins and Salt Lake City. I don't actually think I'll get the one in New York, Chicago or Miami, but you never know unless you try, right? Those three are all writing jobs with magazines for entertainment and music stuff. Which would be fun. I would love it. But my real goal is screenwriting. Doesn't it just sound pretty? Screen-writing. scree-n-writing. scree-nwriting. Any way you say it, it sounds fun. And exciting.

I am an 80 year old woman. I think I've hit spinsterhood. Because when I watch movies and stuff, I totally embroider and do hand stitching and stuff. All I need is a few cats and I'm set for all eternity. But not really because I actually just really enjoy needlework. It's becoming a lost art.

I also rewatched some of The Lizzie Bennett Diaries. Have you guys watched them? There's 100 episodes on YouTube, they are 5-6 minutes a piece. Here's the first on just in case you haven't seen them:


I feel like this is now the story of my life, except my mom is not crazy. Nor is she trying to marry me off to some rich dude. But, I am a college graduate that is not married. And I live in Utah. People tend to worry about my chances of ever getting married. Because I'm single. And 30. SCARY. I think people worry that I'm not worried about it. But, it'll happen exactly as it's supposed to.

Um. I wrote something. It's probably awful, but I thought I'd share it any way. Here you go.

It's not that I couldn't tell him what I was thinking, it's more that I didn't want him to over think what I was already over thinking and thus perpetuate the cycle further. So, instead, I watched him walk away. The love of my life. My best friend. The only one that really understood me. I just stood there and watched. I didn't move an inch. In the rain. I left my jacket in the house. I hadn't expected him to just come in like that. And when he talked to me, I couldn't think clearly. I was so distracted by the sound of his voice that I couldn't hear his words. The fire in his eyes was so fierce I saw nothing else. He was upset, I think. And then he left as abruptly as he came. I ran after him. I needed to know what he said.

“Wait!” He stopped at the sound of my voice and turned around.

“I'm tired of waiting. All this time you knew and you never did or said anything.” His words were truth and I heard them now. A stabbing guilty pain settled in my stomach. I knew it wasn't going away anytime soon. He was right. I had known for months that he loved me and I avoided him because of it. Foolishly avoided him thinking it was for the best.

“It's better this way.” I said. Stupid stupid girl that I was. He walked over to me, grabbed my face and kissed me so fiercely that I think I stopped breathing. I had never kissed anyone before, but somehow my lips knew just what to do. My hands found their way to his side and I held close to him.

When he pulled away, he looked at me. Rain dripping down his face and off his eyelashes. He was looking at me different, now. And not in a good way.

“You're right.” He said and let go of my face. As he turned to walk away, I wanted to call out, but couldn't. Instead, I just watched him walk away. And he didn't turn back. He never turned back. And I stood there. Alone. In the rain. Unsure of what to do next. Knowing we'd never be the same.

And then, here's another snippet from a different (maybe) story. It's going to be a series that is pretty much written like a sitcom. Each chapter is an episode and each book is a season, if that makes sense. My goal is to publish it and then actually make it into a TV show. That would be awesome. Any way, here's another snippet for you:

The walls of apartment 314 were old. They were white-ish with many small holes from push pins and nails being shoved through them. If the walls could talk, they would tell you about the many pictures and frames that were placed upon them to invite people into the room. If the floors could talk, they would tell you about 2 a.m. Dance parties and stolen kisses from new found love. If the ceiling could talk, it would tell you about the slumber parties in the living room and Chopped marathons. If you could watch time pass, you'd see lives grow and change. You'd see girls become woman. You would find sisterhood.

Fall semester was supposed to start like any other. It was a new school year and a new group of girls were moving in. None of them knew each other, which was a first for this apartment. It hadn't been bare for many years and the landlord finally had a chance to update the apartment. A fresh coat of paint on the walls and new carpet and furniture were brought in just in time for the unsuspecting tenants to move in just before school started. Isabella was the first. She seemed very quiet and reserved as she unlocked the door and pushed open the brown door that still had tape stuck to it from flyers that had long since been taken down. She glanced around and took a deep breath in. Smelling the new paint she smiled a little to herself.

“I was right, they did redo this one before I moved in.” She said to an unseen friend behind her. As she enters, so does the friend. He is tall and almost has to duck to enter the doorway. He looks around, unimpressed and sets the three boxes he is carrying down in front of him. Isabella walks through the living room to the balcony that overlooks the parking lot. She opens the door and steps outside.

“You can see everything from here. I love it. I love this place. Come look, Jace!” Jason still seems unimpressed as he walks slowly over to the balcony and steps outside looking across the parking lot with her.

“Nice. It's great. You'll have so much fun here.” He speaks in almost a monotone. Isabella hits his arm with a playful expression.

“Come on, you'll love visiting me here!” she replies. She walks back inside and looks around the kitchen. It is completely empty and she smiles to herself as she opens cupboards and then closes them again. As she works her way down the row of cupboards, she notices the hallway leading to the rooms standing open. Light pours in from the three rooms into the hallway and she walks quickly towards them.

Um. I think that's all I have to say right now. It's late and I have no excuse for still being awake. I have no homework. I was applying for jobs, so I guess that's my excuse. With North and South playing in the background. Have you guys seen that mini series? Best four hours of your life. Then you, too, can fall in love with Richard Crispin Armitage. I know I sure did. And still am. He's replaced Tom Hiddleston in my life. No one thought that would happen, but it did. And now, I am going to sleep. Peace.

Accomplished

There is a God in Israel, my friends. I PASSED MATH. Hallelujah!!!!! I can't believe it!!! I'm so happy!!! AND, I got A's in my screenwriting and English classes! Such a fantastic way to end the semester!

So, for Screenwriting we had to write a feature length work. I decided to make LIGHTS a movie. It was amazing and challenging at the same time. I turned it in to my teacher and got 4 single spaced pages of critique back. I have a lot of things to work on, but I am very excited for the challenge to make my story even better!! I'm so glad that I have this summer to focus on writing! It's the best!!!

Midterm Catch Up

So sorry, dear readers, for leaving you hanging for so long! I'm past midterms and well on my way to the end of the semester. This semester has been a game changer for me. No longer am I constantly looking for the elusive Dean Carmichael. I'm also not going into English Ed. anymore either. WHAT?!?!?! I know, I know you were just thinking the same thing. Let me 'esplain. There is too much, let me sum up:

I was minding my own business last week, just hanging out, working on a script for screen writing, enjoying my life and all of that and then I went to bed because it was late. How anti-climatic, I know. That night I had a dream that I was going to lunch with Joss Whedon, Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. I wasn't freaking out in my dream, it was a very regular day in the context of the dream. My phone rang and it was one of my current friends. I went to answer it and woke up. Well that was weird,  I thought to myself as I got up and got ready for the day. Too bad that will probably never happen. And I started another super crazy day. I turned in my script, we read it in class, talked about it's strengths (jokes about botulism) and it's weaknesses (your characters are too normal. They have quirks, bring out the quirks!) and after I got home from another long day I went to bed and had another dream. Much like the first. This continued, and the situation was always similar. Me, California, screenwriting, Tom Hiddleston.
      I don't really know where the whole Tom Hiddleston thing came from. I've been vehement about not liking him because this girl I know pins like 25-115 pictures of him on Pinterest a day. That's worse than my craziest Doctor Who day! So, after I woke up from the dream where I was going to the Oscar's with Tom Hiddleston because I'd been nominated for Best Screenplay, I told my room mate about it and the dream wouldn't leave me all day. It was weird. So, I did what I do best. I watched a movie. With Tom Hiddleston in it. And thought about the complexity of dreaming and life.
    I told Tango about my dreams and he was jealous because he is as much a fan of Tom Hiddleston as I now am. He commented on how he feels that Tom Hiddleston would make a good Jason Tyde. At first I adamantly opposed the very idea because Tom is not as broad as Jason is. He doesn't really look the part. However, he could nail the emotion perfectly. If you don't know anything about Tom Hiddleston aside from Thor and The Avengers, he's well known for being incredibly polite and respectful. Kind of the polar opposite of the character he plays in those movies. And I have come around and actually think he would be a very good Jason Tyde. Good 'ol Jason. Gosh I love that guy.

    I have always dreamed of being a writer. And this semester I have fallen in love with screenwriting. My dad asked me recently how school was and I told him how much I LOVE writing. I should seriously make it my career. I explained it like this:
     I once read a talk from Pres. Eyring about when he was young his dad really pushed him to get a degree in Physics, but he didn't like Physics. He was struggling a little bit and asked his dad for help. They looked over it together and went on with life. The next day his dad came to him and asked about the question. Pres. Eyring said he hadn't thought about it since they looked at it. His dad looked surprised, and said something to the effect of, "don't you think about Physics all the time when you have nothing else to think about?" and Pres. Eyring said he didn't. His dad thought for a minute and then replied, "Find what you love to do, that it is what you think about when you have nothing else on your mind." I have loved the idea of truly loving what you do. I love writing and think about it often, but as I have taken this screenwriting class I have learned that it is what I think about when I have nothing else on my mind. It consumes me and I LOVE thinking about what story I want to tell and how I'm going to tell it.
    Oh, and Dean. Wonderful Dean. Wherever he is, I feel that he is busy, and the time is not at hand for us to meet. And, you know what, that's totally okay. I don't think I'll be getting married for a little while longer. And usually I say I'm okay with it, but I'm freaking out inside. This time, however, I'm totally okay with it. I'll probably get married when I'm 32, which is fine. And although this whole prospect scares me to death, I'm excited and hopeful.
     Thus, the explanation. I am going to become a screenwriter and after some extensive conversations with my Heavenly Father over the last 2 weeks, the plans I had for my life have begun to shift and it's looking like I will get a degree in screenwriting and hopefully get a job in California and go do that whole thing. Very specific plans, I know. I'm awesome like that.
    So there you have it. A catch up on my life thus far. Be excited, friends, because although everything I'm reaching for terrifies me, I know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I won't fail.

I'm giving a Gold Star for those that actually read the whole thing!!

What up, my friends????? Long time no post, I know. That's how it goes with me, though, you know? So, updates...I live in the same complex as DJ now, different building, but our buildings are kiddie corner to each other. I see him in the parking lot sometimes. And that's the end of that story. There's a know guy at work. He's super adorable. Lets call him Steve, because I haven't called anyone Steve yet. And I apparently like that name today. But yeah, Steve sits in the desk behind me and we talk and it's fun. He's a nice guy. Good friend.

It was crown day today. According to my room mate. I haven't come up with clever nicknames for my room mates yet, so I won't really get in to those stories, mkay?

I have been writing. Oh, have I been writing. Would you like to read some of it? Yeah? Okay, here are a couple of little pieces I've written for my creative writing class. Also, I'm taking a screen writing class and it's A-MAZING. I kind of want to go in to screen writing professionally, I think it would be AWESOME. Also, that would give me so much more creative control over my books when they get published and then made into movies. I'd be the screenwriter. Ta-da!!! Any way, here you go:

A side note: PLEASE, please, please, don't copy or quote, or use any of my writing without my permission. This is all REALLY personal stuff and I am only sharing it here to get a little feedback. So, with that being said, on with the show!!

Here's a piece of Flash Fiction:

Mistaken

I asked her not to. She didn't listen. Why didn't she listen? I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do this. But I did. I did do this. And now I can't go back. Back to the way things were. Why? Why can't I go back to the way things were? Because it's too late. And now there's blood, I don't even know who's blood it is. Everywhere. Pooling around me. Make it stop.


I look for a towel, but there isn't anything. I start to panic. I'm surprised it's taken this long to set in. I don't know what to do. What do I do? I can't find a towel. I don't want to use my shirt, but it's the only cloth I can find. Why isn't there anything else here? What am I doing? Why am I here? I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't supposed to happen. This....this...too late....


“Steve, are you okay?” I hear her voice, but I don't see her.
“Steve, can you hear me, babe?” There's panic in her voice now. It wasn't there before. Why is she worried about me? I did this. I am the one to blame.



“Steve, I've called the police, they're on their way. Just stay calm, okay?” The panic is rising. She's still talking, but I don't hear the words. I'm not surprised. I would have called the cops, too. Everything is getting dark. Is this how things end? I don't know. I thought there was supposed to be light. Isn't that what they say? A light comes and you walk towards it? I'm only seeing darkness. I thought all those stupid clichés would come true. I guess they really are just clichés. Overused and meaningless. There's the sirens. I can hear them. They're almost here. Time to face my fate. I don't think I'll make it to when they get here. It's all so dim and dark. I just want to sleep. Let me sleep....sleep...it's all a dream now.


I am not a poet, but here is my attempt because I was forced to:

The Railing


I watch from above,
they all look like ants beneath me.
I lean against the railing.
It's there to protect me, but it doesn't.
It's small and thin in comparison
To all that I have,
All that I am,
All that I will become.
It is there to keep me safe.
To remind me of what I stand for
What I believe in,
Why I do what I do.
It is a reflection of my life.


I stand up straight and stretch my arms,
I am tall. I feel like I could fall into the sky
And watch the world fade to nothing.
Nothing.
That is what I want.
I want nothing to fear or hide from.
I don't want expectations or worries.
Nothing in the dark shadows of the night.
It is peaceful then.

Peace and darkness to ease the burden.

AND, finally, a piece of my 10 minute play:

ROUND ONE

(Girls can be heard OS, screaming)

JASON (OS)

Come on, come on! Quick quick quick!

(JASON and KYLA enter the stage through a doorway, they run in hand in hand, laughing.)

KYLA

(breathless)Is it always like that?

JASON

Only when a new article comes out, or when an interview airs on TV. This is nothing compared to premiere weekends. Some events get so bad I don't even come home for a while.

(Jason is still holding Kyla's hand. He looks down at it and lets go.)

KYLA

I can't even imagine that.

JASON

I'm sure this isn't how you expected your summer to end up. I know you like things to be really calm.

KYLA

Yeah, but if dealing with them means I get to spend time with you, then it's worth it. I've had plenty of time begin alone, and to be honest, it's all very exciting being around you.

JASON

Yeah, until they realize that I spend more time with you than anyone else and decide to revolt.

KYLA

I guess we better just keep our friendship a secret then.

(BROOKE enters from the opposite side of the stage. Jason immediately stands between her and Kyla)

JASON

Brooke, what are you doing here? How did you get in?

BROOKE

Oh, come on, Babe, you know I can charm my way into anywhere.

JASON

Seriously, Brooke, I changed the locks, all the door codes, everything.

BROOKE

It took me a little while, but I figured out the code to your garage. I thought you'd be happy to see me. It's been months. I missed you.

JASON

That's nice. So, explain to me what you are doing here.

(Brooke approaches Jason, trying to get a better look at Kyla. Kyla steps out from behind Jason and faces Brooke.)

BROOKE

I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met. I'm Brooke.

KYLA

I know who you are.

BROOKE

I assumed as much, but I'm trying to be polite.

KYLA

I don't know why. I didn't think you cared about anyone but yourself.

(Jason steps between them to separate them again.)

JASON

Okay, Ky, calm down, Brooke, don't give her that look. We both know she's right.I mean, I didn't think you had feelings. I thought you were just a shell of bitterness and self gratification.

BROOKE

Ooooh, and I just thought that maybe you would have changed your mind about this whole misunderstanding.

(Jason's calm demeanor melts at the mention of misunderstanding.)

JASON

It's nice to know you're still dellusion-

BROOKE

I'm not the delusional one! I-

JASON

Just stop, Brooke! I don't want to-

BROOKE

No, you just stop. I came over to try and patch things up.

JASON

And you think I would just let you in and forget about everything?

Brooke

It was a while ago. I hoped that with some time apart you'd see-

JASON

Yeah, that's not happening.

BROOKE

But why?

JASON

Because you cheated on me. Brooke, you lied to me. I used to love everything about you. Why do you want to go back to that, anyway? You weren't happy

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!! And scene. Well, actually, that's not the whole scene. It's just the beginning. But you get the idea. It's the first time Jason and Brooke have talked since the divorce has been finalized, and I really don't blame him for not wanting to be around her. Brooke is kind of a crazy person. I mean, who cheats on Jason Tyde?!?!??!?!?!!!! 

Any way, I have been busy busy busy. I am all moved in to my new place and love it, except on football game days because I live right next to the stadium. But, otherwise it's pretty fantastic. I'll try and update you a little more frequently. Okay, bye!!!

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure, my thoughts on #hashtags:

I am the writer.

I have a teacher this semester that requests a response to each of the authors we study. She keeps telling us that we are the writers, so whatever we write is our response. We are the writers. We are the writers. I am the writer. I decided to test the limits with my Emily Dickinson response because I couldn't think of anything academic to say, I just kept seeing Emily and Ian and part of their story running through my head, so I decided to run with it! And here you go:

Soozee Carmichael

Emily Dickinson Response

February 9, 2013

As I read Emily Dickinson this time through, I kept having this story play through my mind as I read her words. I am not a poet at all, but I am a writer and I felt that I could best express my impression of Emily Dickinson's poetry through a story of my own. This is just an excerpt of what I saw in my mind, and much like her poetry, you will see only a tiny glimpse of a much broader idea. I feel that this story best captures my feelings of the poetry we read because it's a story that focuses on a ballerina named Emma who thinks that everything around her is real, but in reality everything she is seeing is false and the dream that she keeps having is real. She is actually married to the man in her dreams, but she has been taken and made to think that he never existed, thus making him just a dream to her. So she keeps seeing him in her mind and knowing that he is significant, but she has no way of knowing exactly how to get to him, or that he is real. I feel that there is a sense of longing and hopefulness in the midst of these poems that kind of remind me of what Emma is feeling. In some ways, I think Emma understands Emily Dickinson far better than I could. This story reminds me of Ms. Dickinson's poems specifically about eternity, nature and beauty. Not that the other poems we read don't apply, there are just several that really led me to write the excerpt below.

More Than Just A Dream

Sometimes I dream about him. And then I wake up alone and I reach out in between my dream and reality as if reaching for him will bring him closer to me. The dream is always the same. It starts out so happy and peaceful. We're having a picnic in this beautiful meadow with silver trees. The trees aren't entirely silver, they have veins of silver running through them. They're magical. And so is he. His messy perfect hair, his gorgeous eyes, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so loved. We are there laughing when the sky suddenly goes dark and a shadow passes over his face. He get up and he takes my hand. Its all very quick as he tries to get to safety, wherever that is.

Someone is following us. Stalking us. He keeps a firm grip on my hand and keeps looking back to make sure I'm still there. “Don't let go!” he keeps shouting as we run down a steep hill covered in jagged rocks. He looks at me, and then at his watch. He looks at me again and is saying something, but I can't understand him. Whatever is following us is getting closer. I can't see the creature-whatever it is, but I can tell it's getting close. I can feel it.

And then he's gone. My love has vanished and my hand falls to my side as I start to slow. I don't know where I'm going. And then everything goes dark and I wake up. I can't remember his name, and as soon as I wake up the details of his face start to fade. It's like there's something that doesn't want me to remember him. Whoever he is, he left me there, though. Alone. To face the darkness. But I still reach for him. And I realize that my twin bed wouldn't fit anyone but me any way. My hand reaches out for the love that isn't there and finds cold air of the frigid January morning in New York.

I get up and walk to the window, as if looking out will bring him closer to me. Absentmindedly, I play with the ring on my left hand. It doesn't mean anything to me, but I wear it any way. It catches every glimmer of light that is around. I twirl it around my finger over and over again without realizing I'm doing it. It's become a habit. I almost feel like it's supposed to remind me of something, but I can't think of what. And then I remember the man in my dreams. I don't know who he was, but it is as if our souls were attached, and we can't live without each other. But dreams are all that I have. I don't know what else to do, I know he doesn't exist. That much is never spoken, but understood in my mind.

My bookshelf stood beside my window. An old black book caught my eye, I picked it up. It was the complete works of Emily Dickinson. I had always loved her poetry. The way that they stood out from the ordinary and brought a darker shadow to the ordinary. I somehow felt that she understood my life and the craziness that I felt each day as I awoke from the same dream; as if my reality was just out of reach. I opened the pages and read the first poem I came to:

13

Sleep is supposed to be

By souls of sanity

The shutting of the eye.

Sleep is the station grand

Down which, on either hand

The hosts of witness stand!

Morn is supposed to be

By people of degree

The breaking of the Day.

Morning has not occurred!

That shall Aurora be —

East of Eternity —

One with the banner gay —

One in the red array —

That is the break of Day!

“Emma?” I hear my name from behind me. I turn and see Nikki standing in my doorway. Our apartment is small, and I'm sure she heard me in my sleep again.

“Sorry, was I talking in my sleep again?” This was becoming a nightly occurrence.

“No, but I heard you get up and wanted to make sure you were alright. How did you sleep? Did you have the dream again?” Nikki looked concerned, again. She had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. She knew everything about me.

“Yeah, I did. It's always the same. The same guy, the same place, the same darkness chasing us. I wish I knew what it meant.” I closed the book that spoke directly to my soul, putting all of my thoughts, doubts and fears onto paper. As I placed it back on the shelf I turned to Nikki,

“Maybe it's better if you don't.” I turned back to the window and watched the people rushing through the rain below us. I didn't want to ignore these dreams. They meant something. I just didn't know what.

“He's not real, Em. There's no one that could be that perfect. And, I don't know of anywhere that has silver trees. So, it's all in your fantastic imagination. Now lets go, we have rehearsal in like 35 minutes and I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a really long rehearsal since we've only got three days until the show opens. Too bad not everyone has their part down like you do.” It was true, ballet had come naturally to me. I was the prima ballerina in the New York City Ballet. You don't just wake up in that position. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication. I had given up everything to achieve this dream. Nothing was going to stand in my way.

I got ready quickly and we rushed over to the studio. We were the last ones there. We joined in with everyone else warming up and before I knew it, we were in the midst of running through the entire performance. Something odd had been going on, and I couldn't quite figure out how to explain it. My dance partner's name was David, and although he was incredibly talented, I felt like I had never danced with him before in my life. He was more rigid than necessary and we didn't exactly flow well together. There was something off about the way we danced. I also kept calling him Marques, which was odd. There were so many unexplained oddities in my life. I felt like I was living in a dream and that nothing was real. But how can reality not be real? How can everything I see in front of me and feel and do and touch be false?  

And then they all died. It was sad. I ugly cried. It was horrible.

     I feel like all of my favorite shows are killing off main characters. I hate it when they do this. Downton Abbey being at the top of the list. SERIOUSLY GUYS, what's wrong with you writers?!?!?!!?  Stop the hate! Stop the killing!! Just let my characters live and give them drama some other way!!!!!! At least Sherlock isn't *actually* dead. But seriously. Stop the dying-ness peoples! Maybe I'll just become a screenwriter so that I have a say in who lives and who dies!!
I told myself I HAD to work on homework today...right now, in fact....so, of course I'm writing on my blog instead. Obviously. I've been thinking a lot about life lately. What I want, where I'm going, what I want out of it, you know, the usual questions. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but every year around my birthday I write a letter to my future husband. Sounds odd, I'm sure, but it's kind of a marker for me to check back and see where I've come from and what I hope for in the future. Any way, I started this year's letter back in January and didn't finish it. I picked it back up this last weekend and finished it without reading the beginning, then I went back and read the whole thing. I surprised myself quite a bit. The first part of my letter was really sad. Like really sad. I think I was freaking out about being 28 and not married (and if anyone reading this isn't LDS, or from Utah, you probably don't see that as a bad thing) and I kind of wrote it out in a letter. But then, this last weekend (and the last few weeks) I have just been really positive and LOVING life and looking forward to some huge new changes ahead for me. And so I wrote those out in my letter too and it was really surprising to me that I have been really down lately. I hadn't really noticed.
     Any way, yeah, life-it's getting better. I have been working on LIGHTS a lot lately and I am so in love with Ian and Emma and their relationship. I'm going to take them to the very edge, though. I'm going to make them question everything and they're going to have to rely on each other and hope that somehow they don't die and make it out together. I think that this is the best way for me to solidify how much they care about each other. Also, it adds the drama needed to promote a story. Because what is a story without an issue or drama? A boring sugar coated story that is hard to relate to, because we all have problems. We do, it's just the way things work. So, don't hate me when you think Ian is dead or Emma has forgotten about him. It'll be okay, I promise. Trust me, I'm the writer :)
     In other news, I have been baking up a storm lately and I have to say that I am so proud of myself when I finish a project whether its baking or sewing or writing. I love creating things, and I love accomplishing them too! It's awesome!! I'll post pictures soon. Because they're fantastic!!!
     Um....I think that is about it. Life is GREAT!!! I love writing and baking and everything about my life right now. I'm working on some things that I'll blog about later, but for now, I'm doing good and hope you are too!!!

Soozee's Obsessions (or as I often say in reference to them, Sorry, K?)

I can sometimes become easily addicted to things. Lately they are usually of a British fashion and generally on TV. As I previously mentioned, I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was so fantastic!!! And my cake. Oh, my cake. It was AMAZING thanks to my sister in law who did most of the work on it. I helped a little, mostly in the placing of characters (so the universe wouldn't end by having three different doctors in the same place at the same time.) and getting the colors just write (TARDIS blue is a bit tricky...) any way, instead of writing up a whole blog about it, my sister in law did and she put it in so much better words than I ever could. Check it out here. You won't regret it, I promise!

So, I love Doctor Who, we all know that. I think the entire world knows that I like Doctor Who. It's a fantastic show and I've seen all the episodes from the 2005 reboot to present. That's a lot when I think about it.

 I also recently watched another British show that I had heard a lot about. It's called Merlin.
 And I kind of fell in love with it. There's 5 seasons in total, the show just ended and I watched them all in about 2 weeks. No, my grades aren't suffering because of it...yet. BUT, I finished it the night before last and although I love the show it was over, and the end of things always brings a twinge of sadness with it, even if the story ends happy. It ends. And I don't like endings. Because then there's no more. It's gone. And that is always a little bit sad.

Having said that, I will tell you this about Merlin, it follows Prince/King Arthur in Camelot and the knights of the round table, only the story begins when both Merlin and Arthur are young and they kind of grow up together. At the beginning Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon has outlawed magic, which is bad because Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the face of the Earth.

 There's your opening to the story. I think we all know the ill fated story of Arthur and Guinevere and Lancelot and all that garbage in the original story, but that is why I love this show so much. They don't have any of the smuttyness that is in the original story. They keep the characters strong and true to the values that they originally stood for. Arthur remains strong and true to his kingdom and his people. Guinevere doesn't betray him and stays faithful to him. And Lancelot is a really cool guy. At first I didn't want to like him, but then something happened and I was like "okay, I can like him" and yeah...now it's over. But it is a good show.

I can honestly say I have not literally laughed out loud so much watching a show in a really really long time. The writers are geniuses and the banter between Arthur and Merlin is so funny. I really really liked it (obviously). And the guy that plays Arthur (Bradley James) is kind of the type of guy that I see Ian as from my story Lights. If I ever finish that book, and if it ever gets published, and if everyone loves it enough that they make it into a movie, I'm going to petition that if he's not to old by the time all this happens, that he plays Ian, because I think that would be brilliant. That's a lot of if's, I know, but when you dream, dream big, right?

1/1/13...that's a lot of 1s

Oh my gosh, I'm so tired. I hit 4 different parties last night. Got home around 3, slept in a bit and I am still thinking that is NEVER happening again. Too much running around. BUT, it was great to see so many people! I also saw a really fantastic fireworks show put on by my pyro of a brother. He was like a little kid on Christmas morning. Okay, maybe not THAT excited, but I know he had fun, and I had fun watching them all go off.
    Christmas was amazing! It was just super great! I got some really awesome presents and got to spend time with my amazing family. Also, I thought my car had died, but it didn't!!!! That was STUPENDOUS!! A quick fix and my good little Logan car is back on his feet!...or tires?? But yeah, he's fine and I'm back to the freedom having a car permits.
     It's 2013. That's crazy. I enter this new year with high hopes and hopefully big plans. School, of course, is part of that plan. I also want to finish either Lights, or Changing Tyde. Either one would be fabulous. I'd like to get the ball rolling on that whole dream. I also am kind of hoping Dean Carmichael shows up sometime. That would be amazing. BUT, he might not come this year, or ever (and I can hear the protests about me being young and all that....) I know that when I turn 28 in about a month doesn't make me that old, and there is definitely still hope that I will get married, but it might not happen, and if it doesn't, I'm still going to have an AMAZING life. Focused on the goals I have regardless of my marital status.
    A good friend of mine blogged about Plan A and Plan B and starting to focus on Plan B because Plan A doesn't look like it's going to work out and how hard it is to give up on the plan you really wanted for one you just set aside in case. I have felt this way MANY times. And I love this dear friend so much!!
    One thing I love about last summer was that I spent the summer focusing on me and what I really wanted in life and I set goals and plans that I like to call my Plan AB. I am going to accomplish these plans and goals whether or not Dean comes around. He might be super busy right now, and maybe he died in the war in heaven, you know? I can't spend the rest of my life wishing him here, because that obviously doesn't work. ha ha.
    But, it is hard at times when it seems everyone who had even the slightest possibility of a relationship is now engaged. A couple of weeks ago every day Facebook informed me of a different friend that had just gotten engaged. I really started to avoid social networking for a while. This next year is going to be really awesome, or really really depressing. I think I'll go back to avoiding wedding receptions. Sometimes, it's just easier that way.
    Now that I have successfully brought down the mood of my blog....Um, I have been working a lot on LIGHTS lately and I fall more and more in love with those characters the more I write them into existence. Ian and Emma are such amazing and beautiful people. They are both such strong fighters, which is good because I am going to put them through quite the journey. I can see that story turning into a series, which will be awesome. I am so excited. I stay up late and write sometimes. I can't help it!!! I love it so much!!!!

I heart....

....many things, but today I heart Zachary Levi, especially in this song:

Confession: Sometimes I watch Tangled just to hear his voice. Ha ha ha, actually I LOVE that movie because it is AWESOME. but, I do love that he can actually sing quite well. CRAZY, I know. PLUS, in the music video he doesn't have a beard! that's pretty awesome because he almost always has a beard, as you can see in the picture George sent me a few months back.

I also heart my Changing Tyde soundtrack playlist that I will now share with all of you!!! HOORAY!!! K, so the layout is this: Song Title, Artist, Album. ENJOY!!!

Breathe In Breathe Out, Mat Kearney, Nothing Left to Lose

Rainy Zurich, The Fray, Scars & Stories (Deluxe Version)

All We Are, Matt Nathanson, Some Mad Hope

Black & Gold, Sam Sparro, Black & Gold

Look After You, The Fray, How To Save A Life

Down, Jason Walker, Jason Walker

Movie Screens, Meese, Broadcast

Everybody Hurts, Avril Lavigne, Goodbye Lullaby

Stitch By Stitch, Javier Colon, Stitch By Stitch

Make Me Believe, Angel Taylor, Love Travels

Wrong Side of Love, Augustana, Augustana

I'm Ready, Jack's Mannequin, Everything In Transit

Jump Then Fall, Taylor Swift, Fearless (Platinum Edition)

Say You're Mine, Kate Voegele, Gravity Happens (Deluxe Edition)

Stars Falling Down, Kina Grannis, Stairwells

Runaway, Maroon 5, Hands All Over

Run, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

Real, The Goo Goo Dolls, Real

Love Comes Tumbling Down ,Matt Nathanson, Modern Love

Where You Are, Gavin DeGraw, Sweeter

All This Time, OneRepublic, Waking Up

The Only Exception, Paramore, Brand New Eyes

Now Comes the Night [Live], Rob Thomas, Something to Be

Let Love In, The Goo Goo Dolls, Let Love In

With You Around, Yellowcard, When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes (Acoustic Version)

Unsaid (EP Ver.), The Fray, Reason [EP]

The Man Who Can't Be Moved, The Script, The Script

A Twist in My Story, Secondhand Serenade, A Twist in My Story

Come Home, OneRepublic & Sara Bareilles, Come Home - Single

My Sundown, Jimmy Eat World, Bleed American

More Than Anyone, Gavin DeGraw, Chariot

Be Still, The Fray, Scars & Stories (Deluxe Version)

God Gave Me You, Blake Shelton, Red River Blue

Ours, Taylor Swift, Ours - Single

Also, the goal is set. I will have my first draft of my book done in a month. I am almost done with finals (hallelujah!!!) and will now be able to spend even more time WRITING!!! YAY! Everyone should be happy about that!!! 

Any way, have a great week! I love you all!!

Dean Carmichael

I am taking a dating and courtship class, and for the "final" I am supposed to write a letter to my future husband. Well, since I don't need this class for credit of any kind really, I decided to do it any way, but post it on here because I love all of you so much. So, enjoy. I hope you learn something about me.

Dear Dean Carmichael,
    Let me begin by saying I think you're a loser. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't seem to figure out what could be so important that you don't have time to include me in your life. That being said, forever is a REALLY long time, and if we're going to spend it together, I hope you get all your ducks in a row before we meet too. I'm working on the same thing.
    Funny thing happened the other day. I was writing (like I always do) and I was writing about Jason Tyde and how he is trying to figure out what his next move should be because he's kind of at a cross roads, and I thought of you and me. I kind of feel like I am coming to a cross roads in my life and I have to make some decisions. Its tough trying to figure out my future all by myself. I struggle with knowing what will be my best option for the future, for meeting you, for plans that we haven't made yet because we aren't in each others lives yet.
     For not knowing who you are, you do carry a lot of weight on my decisions. You also take up a lot of my free time when I'm not focusing on Jason and Kyla, or killing off Nick. He's died like 3 times this week. Poor guy, he never had a chance. But for real, I care a lot about you and what you are doing in your life. I care about who your friends are, I care if the girls you hang out with/date are nice to you. I don't want to meet you and find out girls were jerks, I also don't want to find out they are super awesome either. Because you're going to fall in love with me...well its true, you are.
     I have had a series of dreams lately that I wake from smiling about and thinking of you. I wish you were around so I could tell you about them. I wish for so many things, but what this all comes down to is that I have faith in my Heavenly Father that He is guiding your life as much as He is guiding mine and that when He knows that the time is right, He will guide us to each other. So, it doesn't matter how impatient I am, or how much I think you're a loser (even though I really don't think you are a loser because I'm actually in love with you.) because no matter how much either of us wants to find each other, there is a reason we're not together. There's a reason I am left to wonder if you're doing alright, or what our future holds, but know this: I am doing everything I can to be the girl of your dreams. I am trying not to be too cheesy and hope and dream of our life together. It will happen exactly when its supposed to.

I feel dumb saying this, but its true,
I love you,
Soozee

SPRING BREAK!!!!!

So, its officially spring break for me for the next WEEK!!!!! I am beyond excited! I am going to relax and bake and read and bake and write and bake and probably read some more....I realize that sounds like a regular week for me, except I get to read WHATEVER I WANT!!!! So, I am going to read the Hunger Games, because I am one of the only people left that hasn't. I've owned it since the first one came out, and actually own all of them, but just haven't had time to read them. It's crazy, but I'm working on it.
    I have been commissioned to make a birthday cake for a friend for tomorrow. This is one of the firsts I am making for someone else, not for someone I know well. I have always been willing to make cakes for others, and Digger has been telling me for forever that I need to start a business, I just don't have the time to put into a business right now, you know? I don't have time for anything, it seems like.
     Question for you all, if you had a super power, what would it be? Leave comments below and let me know what you think :). Me and my friends have been talking about super powers because we went and saw the movie Chronicle the other day...I can't really recommend it, it was kind of crazy. It reminded me a lot of the film style of Cloverfield if any of you saw that one.
     I am going up north next weekend to visit my friends up there. I haven't seen Fort in ages and we are going to dinner with my brother up there. I am hoping to see Digger too, but who knows if that will happen. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am so grateful that I am friends with Digger. Even if we don't talk for months, when we do talk its as if no time has passed. I love having a friend like that. He's amazing...even if he doesn't want to date me.
     George mentioned that he wanted to listen to The Fray (made my day!!!) and he downloaded their newest CD and after a few days he told me he just couldn't get into it...so I burned him a copy of my favorites of their songs and he was excited to listen to them. I laugh at his music preferences because he either likes really kind of girly music (he'll kill me if he ever reads this, but he listens to Taylor Swift, Kinna Grannis,  Paramore, stuff like that...kind of girly) or rap. I don't think you can get to more opposite ends of the spectrum. SO, hopefully he likes the Fray and then I can have a friend that likes them too. I'm not gonna lie, that would be stupendous.
     Well, I am out of random thoughts for you today. I'll probably update again soon, since its SPRING BREAK and all! ha ha ha!

Almost Christmas

I kind of waited until November was over to post again so as to not jinx myself more than I already had. November and I still don't get along.
    I had an interesting experience over the last few weeks. I met a guy in my ward who seemed like a cool guy. I flirted with him a little bit, and he flirted back which was awesome. So, I hung out with him a few times, but it seemed like the more I got to know him, the more I felt like something was off. Not that he was a bad person, but just something was off. So, I noticed he was always flirting with this other girl too, and thats when it hit me. I felt like I was his 2nd choice (because I was...he probably still thinks I am) and I really don't like feeling like the 2nd choice. Who wants to feel that way? I have reflected a lot on why I feel this way, and I have come to this conclusion: over the past year I was totally in love with Digger and he became a really good friend to me, and the one thing he has always commented on and tried to pound in my head is that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for. He was always reminding me of the amazing qualities I have and of the talents I continually share. I know that I needed a friend like Digger so that way when someone tried to put me as their 2nd choice, I'd realize it, and not stand for it. I am good enough to be someone's 1st choice, and I shouldn't sell myself short.
     On an entirely different note, I am done with another semester of school, and hopefully I did alright. By the end there, I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be done, and now I am! And lucky for me, I am already working on the reading for next semester. I will be reading about 2 books a week for my Young Adult Literature class, starting with Go Ask Alice and Catcher In The Rye; neither of which have I read. I am looking forward to next semester, I think it will be a great adventure and I can't wait to see what happens!!
     Also, its Christmas next week, and as it gets closer, I really start to hate large groups of people in stores and really just want to focus on the actual Christmas story and the reason we celebrate it. I love the Savior, and I love all that this season actually means.