Welcome, November, Make Yourself At Home

Novemeber 2nd, 2016. 5:42PM.

It's November 2016. I am feeling rather positive, however, there is a catch in the back of my mind and in my heart that is telling me that this is only the beginning. This year, frankly, has not been awesome. It has actually been one of the hardest years I've ever experienced. And now, to be in the throes of November. On this second day of the month. I hope, more than I fear, that I will make it through this month. That doesn't mean it will be without it's sneaky little traps. Or that I'll get off scott free, but I hope that whatever November brings in this November of a year, I hope that I can keep my head high and the tears at bay long enough to see that in my darkest moments I am not alone.

Because we really are never alone. And I don't mean to get all weepy or religious on y'all, but I am so grateful I believe in God. That I believe that He knows me and cares about me and actually wants me to suceed in life. Sometimes that means we have to walk through dark, dank November times in our lives. Sometimes we feel completely alone and like no one in this world could ever possibly understand what we're going through. But He does. He knows us. He cares. He wants us to be happy. He really does.

I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. I love Anne Shirley and all of her spirit. I love her life. In Anne of Avonlea, I believe, she is lamenting the fact that Gilbert Blythe is very sick and she has finally realized that she's in love with him and he might die before she gets the chance to tell him and she tells Marilla she's having such a Jonah day and for some reason I really liked that thought. A Jonah day. One thing I also love about those books is that Anne is very positive and she says in the first book, I believe (I've read a lot over the last week) that no matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a brand new day full of hope and promise. So, that is how I am choosing to look at this Novemeber. Some really awful stuff could happen to me. But even if it does, tomorrow will still come full of promise and hope.
Even if my November lives up to the worst that I've had (I really REALLY hope it doesn't), it will come and it will go and I will learn and grow from it and even though it will probably make me cry, it will also make me stronger. Because just like Thomas Wayne says in Batman Begins AND in the comics, "Why do we fall down? To learn to pick ourselves up." In our darkest moments, we have the potential to learn the most and become the strongest. I am strong not because I endured hard things, but because I chose to let those hard things change me for the better.

Also, a happy little note to end on, over the next month I am going to focus on a more Christlike Christmas. Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays, not for the presents and worldly aspects of it, but because I loved focusing on Jesus Christ. So, that is what I want to do over the next two months and I hope that you will join in with me. I will have a few posts focused on that, but I will also have some fun stuff for you. I started NaNoWriMo yesterday and will be writing a novella called Long Black Veil (for now) and it is a ghost story. I've never written a ghost story, so this will be lots of fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it. But until then, keep your chin up! You got this!

Sometimes life is just hard

My car died last week. Grayson. I had him for a year. Almost to the day. He was a good car. Got me from A to B. And from B back to A, or sometimes to C. But he always got me home. Man, he was a good car. Named him after Dick Grayson from the comic books. Because I'm a comic book nerd. And it wasn't overly obvious. I don't like to be in your face, generally, with what I do and don't like/obsess over. Like comic books. If you guys knew the extent that my level of comic book nerd actually was, you'd be surprised, I think.

Any way, Grayson died and I have had a while to contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I don't have a new job yet. #anyonewanttohireawriter? I am living in the basement of my childhood home, questioning my life choices. I have a degree that my dad thinks is useless and currently he's trying really hard not to say "I told you so." BUT, despite all the opposition waiting for me to fail, I feel like this is my time to keep pushing forward. Not stopping the momentum. Well, there's not really a lot of momentum at this particular moment. Mostly I just can't stop trying. I can't stop working hard to find that elusive new job. And reach for my amazing dreams. I don't expect to become a screenwriter tomorrow, that's the end game. But I can get a new job now that will take me to the next step that will take me to the next step that will eventually lead to me becoming a screenwriter and making Changing Tyde into a movie. And LIGHTS. Because I know that's what y'all want, right?! RIGHT!

So, today I sit on my bed in my room that is full of boxes I haven't unpacked. And won't unpack until I move again. And while I sit, I keep thinking about how awesome my life actually is. It's not where I want to be, but it's not a bad place to start from. This is only the beginning, peeps. Only the beginning.

And in honor of this moment, I will share with you a poem I wrote. It's for LIGHTS. And it's been published in a student journal at UVU. And has an odd resemblance to my life. Sort of. I'm not a dancer. Obviously. But, how many times do we come across something trying to hold us back? And we have to fight and in the end there's triumph and pirouettes. And sometimes those pirouettes are the cookies and not the dance move. Ha ha.

Shadow and a Dancer

Creeper creeps in

darkness and night.

Dancer twirls,

twists and turns

together in motion.

He hides behind

her watching, waiting.

turn. stop. lift. stop.

Seeing no one she

dances until dawn

when nothing remains.

Struggle and fight,

she pushes beyond

shadow falls

while light remains

triumph and pirouettes.  

1/1/13...that's a lot of 1s

Oh my gosh, I'm so tired. I hit 4 different parties last night. Got home around 3, slept in a bit and I am still thinking that is NEVER happening again. Too much running around. BUT, it was great to see so many people! I also saw a really fantastic fireworks show put on by my pyro of a brother. He was like a little kid on Christmas morning. Okay, maybe not THAT excited, but I know he had fun, and I had fun watching them all go off.
    Christmas was amazing! It was just super great! I got some really awesome presents and got to spend time with my amazing family. Also, I thought my car had died, but it didn't!!!! That was STUPENDOUS!! A quick fix and my good little Logan car is back on his feet!...or tires?? But yeah, he's fine and I'm back to the freedom having a car permits.
     It's 2013. That's crazy. I enter this new year with high hopes and hopefully big plans. School, of course, is part of that plan. I also want to finish either Lights, or Changing Tyde. Either one would be fabulous. I'd like to get the ball rolling on that whole dream. I also am kind of hoping Dean Carmichael shows up sometime. That would be amazing. BUT, he might not come this year, or ever (and I can hear the protests about me being young and all that....) I know that when I turn 28 in about a month doesn't make me that old, and there is definitely still hope that I will get married, but it might not happen, and if it doesn't, I'm still going to have an AMAZING life. Focused on the goals I have regardless of my marital status.
    A good friend of mine blogged about Plan A and Plan B and starting to focus on Plan B because Plan A doesn't look like it's going to work out and how hard it is to give up on the plan you really wanted for one you just set aside in case. I have felt this way MANY times. And I love this dear friend so much!!
    One thing I love about last summer was that I spent the summer focusing on me and what I really wanted in life and I set goals and plans that I like to call my Plan AB. I am going to accomplish these plans and goals whether or not Dean comes around. He might be super busy right now, and maybe he died in the war in heaven, you know? I can't spend the rest of my life wishing him here, because that obviously doesn't work. ha ha.
    But, it is hard at times when it seems everyone who had even the slightest possibility of a relationship is now engaged. A couple of weeks ago every day Facebook informed me of a different friend that had just gotten engaged. I really started to avoid social networking for a while. This next year is going to be really awesome, or really really depressing. I think I'll go back to avoiding wedding receptions. Sometimes, it's just easier that way.
    Now that I have successfully brought down the mood of my blog....Um, I have been working a lot on LIGHTS lately and I fall more and more in love with those characters the more I write them into existence. Ian and Emma are such amazing and beautiful people. They are both such strong fighters, which is good because I am going to put them through quite the journey. I can see that story turning into a series, which will be awesome. I am so excited. I stay up late and write sometimes. I can't help it!!! I love it so much!!!!

A moment of gratitude

I talk about my feelings sometimes. BUT, most of the time I try to keep them to myself. You know, the ones that hurt, the ones that are hard to deal with. I don't like people to know how weak I really am. I don't like people to think I can't do things on my own. So, I joke and I pretend that I'm all right when sometimes I am really falling apart inside. Last week I had a few of those days. It wasn't any one thing in particular, and I know that some people reading this will be surprised because they saw me last week and everything was fine. For the most part it was fine, and I have an AMAZING family that I love dearly. They make hard days better. They help me through difficult days just by being in my life. I really couldn't ask for a better family than the one that I have. Any way, I was with some friends on Saturday night and we were having so much fun and I had put the stresses and concerns and overwhelming fears that had been plaguing me all week to the back of my mind. I was there to have fun. Liam had said he was coming when he got off work and so I sent him a text to see if he was still planning on coming. I didn't think much of it because he isn't very quick on responding. We all had a great time and at around midnight everyone went home I talked to my friend that was hosting the party and while I was talking to her Liam responded. He'd been unable to text me back all night and finally had a moment to. He'd forgotten about the party (which really isn't a surprise...he's kind of forgetful). I have to explain something about Liam, he's one of those people that has to get the last text in. No matter what I text him, he will always ALWAYS text me back. So, I told him not to worry about feeling bad (because he mentioned how sorry he was) and figured we were done, but he text me back and so we kept talking and he asked me how my Thanksgiving was. I told him it was fun, but the week had been really emotionally stressful and I was glad it was over. I have no idea why I told him this. I'm still a little baffled by my complete honesty with him. ESPECIALLY because he's a fixer. He wants to fix things when he knows/thinks something is wrong. And I just gave him the perfect opening to an "are you okay? What can I do to help" text, which I promptly did receive. I told him I would be fine and that I would be much better in two weeks (when finals are done and I am free for a few weeks!!). He asked if I was sure, and I said that I was. Then, Sunday came and although I saw him at church, I didn't get to talk to him until after church. We were talking with a group of mutual friends and I figured he'd forgotten about the texts I'd sent the previous night, but when he left he gave everyone a high five, and after high fiving me, he then gave me a hug and asked if there was anything at all he could do for me. I almost started crying...which has been happening a lot lately. Any way, I told him I would be fine and I could tell he wasn't convinced, but we both went home. Fast forward to ward prayer. I'm in charge of ward prayer with one of my friends. We have a lot of fun together, and she and I were talking when Liam came up. He was leaving and wanted to say goodbye. We walked outside and stood there talking to him for a few minutes. A few other people came out and joined an when he left he again gave everyone high fives and then gave me a hug again. This time he told me everything would work out and I'd be fine and to trust in the Lord. After he left, my friend and I were talking and she mentioned that a few people had commented to her how they wish they had a friendship with Liam like I do. I have known for a while that he and I were good friends, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable to those around us. I am so grateful for Liam. He has been such a great and amazing friend. He has reminded me time and time again that there are great guys out there. They do exist and I need to be patient and wait for my amazing guy to show up in my own life. He has been hope when I've had none. He has become one of my best friends, which is hilarious because I have been more brutally honest with him than I have ever been with any other guy. And at the end of the day, I know that if I ever did need something, I really could call Liam and he'd be there to help me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. We all need friends we can count on.

...and for your reading pleasure...

I know its been a while since I posted...November...what can I say? Its always a rough month! Any way, I had this idea for a story a while back and have been playing with it. In the first chapter the main character, Emmalee, meets this intriguing guy named Ian. Here is what she first sees: I had never seen anyone quite like him. There was an air about him that pulled me in. He was charismatic without speaking. He was twenty feet away and I couldn't comprehend anything beyond this moment. He was tall, at least 6' 2". He had sandy blonde hair that was organized chaos. His green eyes caught every fleck of light which made them shine so brightly. The only thing that could have been brighter was his smile. It was a knowing, teasing smile that was like a magnet. His clothing was well fitted. From his white with a blue pin stripe running down it to his well tailored khakis. He had rolled up the long sleeves of his shirt which I generally would have scoffed at, but he made it look so good. On his right hand he wore a ring. At first it looked simple, but I noticed it was catching each fleck of light around as his hand moved. It had the strangest effect on me; I wanted to see it more closely. His watch also caught the same light from his left wrist. It's definitely a work in progress, but hopefully you caught a glimpse of him. I love Ian. He's so awesome. He's got so much mystery about him that you're always wanting to know more and more about him, but he won't tell you. It's a secret. And Emmalee is a dancer. A really really good dancer. She does ballet. She's ridiculously good at it. And then she meets Ian and her whole world changes. I've got a working title of "Lights" for it. And I love it. I'm also gradually putting together a playlist that I listen to while writing it. I'll share it with you soon! Any way, I have 3 8-10 page papers due by next week, so you probably won't hear from me until Christmas and I will tell you a story! A real story from my actual real life!! YAY!!!!

Almost Christmas

I kind of waited until November was over to post again so as to not jinx myself more than I already had. November and I still don't get along.
    I had an interesting experience over the last few weeks. I met a guy in my ward who seemed like a cool guy. I flirted with him a little bit, and he flirted back which was awesome. So, I hung out with him a few times, but it seemed like the more I got to know him, the more I felt like something was off. Not that he was a bad person, but just something was off. So, I noticed he was always flirting with this other girl too, and thats when it hit me. I felt like I was his 2nd choice (because I was...he probably still thinks I am) and I really don't like feeling like the 2nd choice. Who wants to feel that way? I have reflected a lot on why I feel this way, and I have come to this conclusion: over the past year I was totally in love with Digger and he became a really good friend to me, and the one thing he has always commented on and tried to pound in my head is that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for. He was always reminding me of the amazing qualities I have and of the talents I continually share. I know that I needed a friend like Digger so that way when someone tried to put me as their 2nd choice, I'd realize it, and not stand for it. I am good enough to be someone's 1st choice, and I shouldn't sell myself short.
     On an entirely different note, I am done with another semester of school, and hopefully I did alright. By the end there, I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be done, and now I am! And lucky for me, I am already working on the reading for next semester. I will be reading about 2 books a week for my Young Adult Literature class, starting with Go Ask Alice and Catcher In The Rye; neither of which have I read. I am looking forward to next semester, I think it will be a great adventure and I can't wait to see what happens!!
     Also, its Christmas next week, and as it gets closer, I really start to hate large groups of people in stores and really just want to focus on the actual Christmas story and the reason we celebrate it. I love the Savior, and I love all that this season actually means.

Remember Remember the 5th of November....or something

A long time ago my friend Fort told me I should watch the show V for Vendetta, but I never did because its rated R. But there is a line, and essentially the main theme of the movie revolves around Guy Fawkes day which happens to be the 5th of November. So, next year when it rolls around, remember remember the 5th of November, okay people? ha ha ha.

So, its November. I generally struggle in November. For examples, you can look here or here or here...just for a few examples. This year has turned out to be a prize winning year as well. However, when all is said and done, my car will hopefully be good to go for a while longer *fingers crossed*.

Have you seen the show Once Upon A Time on ABC? that show is like CRACK to me. OH MY GOODNESS. This is the season of fairy tales, sort of, because you have Once Upon A Time from the creators of LOST, and then you have Grimm, which I watched part of the pilot and had to watch something really happy after because it is kind of freaky. So, I will stick with Once Upon a Time, PLUS, Prince Charming is really quite attractive. He was actually in THOR, but you probably wouldn't pick him out in that movie because 1-Chris Hemsworth is in it, and B-He looks COMPLETELY different in Thor than he does in Once Upon A Time. I think the thing I like about Prince Charming is he's a believable attractive. It is entirely possible you'd run into someone as attractive as him in real life. He's normal attractive, which I think makes me more attractive. Does that even make sense? It made sense to me, but I tend to be strange.

   I don't really care for Snow White's dress in the beginning, apparently feathers are in fashion this year...which I find....weird. Just sayin...but I do still LOVE this show. After this last episode I am DYING for more! Sunday can't come fast enough! I know that I'm going to get frustrated and end up totally bugged that the happy ending isn't happening as fast as I want it to, but, we'll see how long it lasts, right? RIGHT!




On an entirely different subject, I got super sick a couple weeks ago. Like I came home from work not feeling so great at about 4:00PM and laid down for a nap....and about 12 hours later I woke up wide awake in the middle of the night! YAY! I didn't know what else to do, so I popped in Captain America and watched it until almost the very end. I love that movie. I have been in love with Chris Evans for a really long time. I confess I only watched Fantastic Four, Push, and The Perfect Score because he was in them. And now he is Capt. America.
I think Capt. America is my favorite super hero movie, and not just because of Chris Evans, but because I really liked the story of it too. It was well done and I am SOOOOOOO excited to see The Avengers in May. I don't like going to midnight shows anymore, but I will be going to the midnight showing of that one! How can you not be excited?!?!?!?! You've got Iron Man, Thor, Capt. America, Hawkeye, The Hulk.....and that one chick that I don't really like, but seriously, you've got an AMAZING collection of super awesome super heroes!!!! I am soooo excited! I saw the first preview for it and freaked out. Don't judge, please. I'm a geek, and I know it.

In other news, I am not failing any of my classes in school, and for the first time in a really really long time, I am scheduled for next semester before the end of this semester. CRAZY, I know. One day I will be free from school for forever, but until that day, I will keep trudging along!

I know I have sounded really frustrated and bitter to those who have actually talked to me this month, but in reality, I actually am really grateful for a lot of things, and I am grateful that even though November is a hard month for me, its a really great learning opportunity. Just don't expect much for Christmas from me, because I am broke!!! HA HA HA!!!!

And hey, be happy, I have been working on Changing Tyde. Its coming along, and I am LOVING it! Just don't tell my Ethics and Values professor that I haven't been paying much attention to his lecture on Nietzsche...