Unrequited

If you are new to reading my blog, then you may not know this, but I am the Queen of Unrequited Love. It's super awesome. I came across a posting of places you can submit essays for publication and The New York Times Modern Love blog is always looking for submissions. So, I took a deep breath and wrote my own live story and submitted it. It had to be a true story that was previously unpublished, including on a blog. So, I never said anything here for that purpose. That is until I got a lovely rejection from them this morning, I'm now sharing my super awesome sorry with you.

UNREQUITED
By: Soozee Carmichael

When I was five, I kissed Bobby Anderson on the swing set in his backyard, which was next door to my house. I thought I was going to love him forever. And then I saw the wolf spider on my leg and screamed and ran back home. Bobby didn't talk to me for many years. This should have been an indication of what my love life would be like in the future, but who thinks that when they're five?

At sixteen, I started my first job bagging groceries in our local store. That's how I met Charlie Cook. He was bringing in a load of carts from the parking lot. He pushed the carts into their place and turned and nodded in my general direction. I swooned internally. He was tall, blonde, and very handsome. I fell for him right then. I didn't even know his name, but I knew we were perfect for each other. He walked towards me and I almost fainted. Then, passing me, said hi to Jessica, the girl at the register behind me. I can still feel the embarrassment. The ironic thing is that both Charlie and Jessica became two of my best friends. We were almost inseparable for the year and a half we worked through high school.

Junior year I finally mustered enough courage to ask Charlie to the Sweethearts dance. He lived in the next town over and went to our school's biggest rival. I liked that he didn't go to school with me, because I wanted to show up at the dance with someone no one knew and was a little mysterious. Except, no one actually noticed me or Charlie. We danced and then went home. The night ended with an awkward side hug. I still thought we were perfect for each other. He just wanted to be friends.

I chose to go on a mission for my church. The night before I left home for a year and a half, Charlie stopped by to say goodbye. I remember hugging him so tightly and praying that he'd still be around when I got home. We'd been through so much together and in the back of my mind I still loved him. That was the first time I dreamed about Dean Carmichael. In this dream, I walked along a beach. There was a black and white lighthouse in the distance and I was wearing a simple white dress. I walked up to him and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was a deep, emotion driven kiss. He never told me his name, I just knew that his name was Dean Carmichael and that we were in love. And then, I woke up. It felt so real that it took a minute to realize he wasn't actually here. It wasn't real.

During my mission, I didn't think about Charlie or anything else from back home. My days were filled with service. I heard from many of my friends each week, but not Charlie. I think that was for the best. When I got home, I stopped by his house and although I still loved him, it was different. We'd both changed while I was gone. He'd fallen in love with a mutual friend somewhere along the way. Within a few months, he turned up on my doorstep with an invitation to the wedding.

Wedding season is the worst when you're single. Especially when you think you might still have feelings for the groom. I sat outside Charlie's reception for a while deciding if I was actually going to go in. I decided I'd regret it if I didn't and walked in. Charlie told me this wouldn't change anything. We'd always be friends. But I knew our friendship was over. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after I left. In fact, somehow I knew this was for the best. Charlie was happy, and that's what I wanted for my friend.

It was a long time before I thought I loved someone. Then Jason Lockhart showed up. He walked into church one Sunday full of confidence and charisma. I should have known nothing good would come of this. There he was with his beard and longish hair, looking like a mountain man. He sat by me and we talked for a long time. I invited him to come hang out with me and my friends, and I would often cook because I knew he was coming. I'm an amazing cook and he would always tell me so. The rest of my life was a mess. I hadn't finished school yet and didn't even know what I wanted to do. I liked talking to him because he was a few years older and seemed to be so much smarter than me. When we were with groups of people he was always aware of where I was in the room. He would gently grab my arm as I walked by from time to time and I thought for sure I was in love for real this time.

With the coercion of a friend, I asked Jason out. The date was a mess, and I ended up with a fever before the night ended. He made sure I got home safely and asked if he'd see me the next day. I told him that I had a lot to do and that he probably would. He looked concerned.

“Take it easy. No need to stress yourself out.” He told me.

“I'll be fine. I'm sure this fever will break and I'll see you tomorrow.” I replied.

“I'm going to call if I don't see you, okay?” He asked. I blushed a little, though you probably couldn't tell from the fever and nodded. He gave me a tight hug and then left. That night, while reveling in the short lived joy of the evening before I started getting sick, I fell asleep and dreamed of Dean Carmichael again. This time I was visiting the grocery store I had once worked in. I held Dean's hand and an old coworker approached me. He asked how I'd been and kept looking at Dean like he couldn't believe we were together. I just smiled and Dean put his arm around me. The love I felt for Dean was beyond anything I'd ever felt for Jason. I woke up again almost looking for Dean in my small twin bed.

The next morning I felt like death. I didn't leave my bed. Jason called, as promised. Our conversation lasted thirty-two seconds. His tone was different. I knew then that everything had changed. I don't know what changed, but he didn't pay me much attention after that. He always talked about doing stuff, but was always busy. He moved away a few months later and I never saw him again.

Shortly after Jason moved, I had another dream with Dean. This one was a little different from the others. I was packing for a trip and Dean came into our room. He went over to the closet and started helping me pack.

“I don't want to go,” I told him.

“It won't be forever. I promise,” he told me back. I awoke again. I was now twenty eight. I had never had a serious boyfriend and every time I had fallen in love it had been unrequited. But in my dreams, there was a man that loved me beyond reason. And even when I was going somewhere, he was quick to remind me that he would always be there for me.

After Jason, I started to be a lot more cautious about who I let in to my life. I met a guy that seemed very Dean-like. Eddie Cooper and I had a lot of the same interests and even pursued the same degree in school. But he was very flaky, either showing up very late or not at all. When I'd see him again he'd be very quick to compliment my beauty or tell me how wonderful I was. Unfortunately for him, I already knew I was beautiful and didn't like my time to be wasted.

In the midst of falling for Eddie, and then un falling for Eddie I had another dream with Dean. This time I was getting ready for an evening to honor an achievement I had earned for my writing. I walked into the living room and he was wearing a well fitted dark blue suit. I put my last earring in and he smiled as I entered the room.

“You look breathtaking” he told me. I didn't say anything in return. I just kissed him gently on the lips and took his arm as we walked out of our house together. When I woke up this time I felt alone and left out. This dream, more than the others, seemed impossible. I felt like all I was ever going to find were the Eddies of the world. Or maybe the Jasons. My Twenty ninth birthday was hard. I felt like an old maid that would never be wanted by anyone. Dean had become a horrible nightmare that I dreaded seeing when I closed my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I realized Dean Carmichaels don't come around everyday. And if I want to find a Dean Carmichael, I need to be the best version of myself. I want to be that girl in my dreams. The one that he can adore, and that adores him in return. Instead of sitting by, waiting for him to show up, I decided to take my future into my own hands. I picked a major and got a degree. I focused on how I could help those around me. I bake treats and take them to people because who doesn't love a delicious home baked treat? I don't need to find Dean this very minute. I need to be the best I can so that when I do find Dean, and I will, I can fall in love with him without worry or regret. I'll know that all the waiting was worth it.

I'm giving a Gold Star for those that actually read the whole thing!!

What up, my friends????? Long time no post, I know. That's how it goes with me, though, you know? So, updates...I live in the same complex as DJ now, different building, but our buildings are kiddie corner to each other. I see him in the parking lot sometimes. And that's the end of that story. There's a know guy at work. He's super adorable. Lets call him Steve, because I haven't called anyone Steve yet. And I apparently like that name today. But yeah, Steve sits in the desk behind me and we talk and it's fun. He's a nice guy. Good friend.

It was crown day today. According to my room mate. I haven't come up with clever nicknames for my room mates yet, so I won't really get in to those stories, mkay?

I have been writing. Oh, have I been writing. Would you like to read some of it? Yeah? Okay, here are a couple of little pieces I've written for my creative writing class. Also, I'm taking a screen writing class and it's A-MAZING. I kind of want to go in to screen writing professionally, I think it would be AWESOME. Also, that would give me so much more creative control over my books when they get published and then made into movies. I'd be the screenwriter. Ta-da!!! Any way, here you go:

A side note: PLEASE, please, please, don't copy or quote, or use any of my writing without my permission. This is all REALLY personal stuff and I am only sharing it here to get a little feedback. So, with that being said, on with the show!!

Here's a piece of Flash Fiction:

Mistaken

I asked her not to. She didn't listen. Why didn't she listen? I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do this. But I did. I did do this. And now I can't go back. Back to the way things were. Why? Why can't I go back to the way things were? Because it's too late. And now there's blood, I don't even know who's blood it is. Everywhere. Pooling around me. Make it stop.


I look for a towel, but there isn't anything. I start to panic. I'm surprised it's taken this long to set in. I don't know what to do. What do I do? I can't find a towel. I don't want to use my shirt, but it's the only cloth I can find. Why isn't there anything else here? What am I doing? Why am I here? I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't supposed to happen. This....this...too late....


“Steve, are you okay?” I hear her voice, but I don't see her.
“Steve, can you hear me, babe?” There's panic in her voice now. It wasn't there before. Why is she worried about me? I did this. I am the one to blame.



“Steve, I've called the police, they're on their way. Just stay calm, okay?” The panic is rising. She's still talking, but I don't hear the words. I'm not surprised. I would have called the cops, too. Everything is getting dark. Is this how things end? I don't know. I thought there was supposed to be light. Isn't that what they say? A light comes and you walk towards it? I'm only seeing darkness. I thought all those stupid clichés would come true. I guess they really are just clichés. Overused and meaningless. There's the sirens. I can hear them. They're almost here. Time to face my fate. I don't think I'll make it to when they get here. It's all so dim and dark. I just want to sleep. Let me sleep....sleep...it's all a dream now.


I am not a poet, but here is my attempt because I was forced to:

The Railing


I watch from above,
they all look like ants beneath me.
I lean against the railing.
It's there to protect me, but it doesn't.
It's small and thin in comparison
To all that I have,
All that I am,
All that I will become.
It is there to keep me safe.
To remind me of what I stand for
What I believe in,
Why I do what I do.
It is a reflection of my life.


I stand up straight and stretch my arms,
I am tall. I feel like I could fall into the sky
And watch the world fade to nothing.
Nothing.
That is what I want.
I want nothing to fear or hide from.
I don't want expectations or worries.
Nothing in the dark shadows of the night.
It is peaceful then.

Peace and darkness to ease the burden.

AND, finally, a piece of my 10 minute play:

ROUND ONE

(Girls can be heard OS, screaming)

JASON (OS)

Come on, come on! Quick quick quick!

(JASON and KYLA enter the stage through a doorway, they run in hand in hand, laughing.)

KYLA

(breathless)Is it always like that?

JASON

Only when a new article comes out, or when an interview airs on TV. This is nothing compared to premiere weekends. Some events get so bad I don't even come home for a while.

(Jason is still holding Kyla's hand. He looks down at it and lets go.)

KYLA

I can't even imagine that.

JASON

I'm sure this isn't how you expected your summer to end up. I know you like things to be really calm.

KYLA

Yeah, but if dealing with them means I get to spend time with you, then it's worth it. I've had plenty of time begin alone, and to be honest, it's all very exciting being around you.

JASON

Yeah, until they realize that I spend more time with you than anyone else and decide to revolt.

KYLA

I guess we better just keep our friendship a secret then.

(BROOKE enters from the opposite side of the stage. Jason immediately stands between her and Kyla)

JASON

Brooke, what are you doing here? How did you get in?

BROOKE

Oh, come on, Babe, you know I can charm my way into anywhere.

JASON

Seriously, Brooke, I changed the locks, all the door codes, everything.

BROOKE

It took me a little while, but I figured out the code to your garage. I thought you'd be happy to see me. It's been months. I missed you.

JASON

That's nice. So, explain to me what you are doing here.

(Brooke approaches Jason, trying to get a better look at Kyla. Kyla steps out from behind Jason and faces Brooke.)

BROOKE

I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met. I'm Brooke.

KYLA

I know who you are.

BROOKE

I assumed as much, but I'm trying to be polite.

KYLA

I don't know why. I didn't think you cared about anyone but yourself.

(Jason steps between them to separate them again.)

JASON

Okay, Ky, calm down, Brooke, don't give her that look. We both know she's right.I mean, I didn't think you had feelings. I thought you were just a shell of bitterness and self gratification.

BROOKE

Ooooh, and I just thought that maybe you would have changed your mind about this whole misunderstanding.

(Jason's calm demeanor melts at the mention of misunderstanding.)

JASON

It's nice to know you're still dellusion-

BROOKE

I'm not the delusional one! I-

JASON

Just stop, Brooke! I don't want to-

BROOKE

No, you just stop. I came over to try and patch things up.

JASON

And you think I would just let you in and forget about everything?

Brooke

It was a while ago. I hoped that with some time apart you'd see-

JASON

Yeah, that's not happening.

BROOKE

But why?

JASON

Because you cheated on me. Brooke, you lied to me. I used to love everything about you. Why do you want to go back to that, anyway? You weren't happy

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!! And scene. Well, actually, that's not the whole scene. It's just the beginning. But you get the idea. It's the first time Jason and Brooke have talked since the divorce has been finalized, and I really don't blame him for not wanting to be around her. Brooke is kind of a crazy person. I mean, who cheats on Jason Tyde?!?!??!?!?!!!! 

Any way, I have been busy busy busy. I am all moved in to my new place and love it, except on football game days because I live right next to the stadium. But, otherwise it's pretty fantastic. I'll try and update you a little more frequently. Okay, bye!!!

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure, my thoughts on #hashtags:

The Freaking Queen of Unrequited Love

Don't let the post title upset you, it's not quite as bad as you are probably thinking it is. I am doing good!!! Great, actually. But, seriously, I am the queen of unrequited love. It's kind of crazy. And now, you're thinking OH NO!!! What happened with DJ!?!?!?!?!!!! Well, let me tell you a little story....

So, once upon a time I went to a bonfire and DJ and I were flirting and having so much fun and it was a great night. The details have started to fade, but it was a great night. I was on cloud 9 at the end. And then, I saw him the following Monday and it was fun and there was more flirting. And then that Thursday something happened, and everything changed. I couldn't pin point exactly what it was, because there wasn't a single event that happened. And then, that Saturday night, I was talking to Liam. I had absolutely no intention of asking about DJ or anything like that, and then all at once I heard the words coming out of my mouth:

Soozee: So, Liam, you'd tell me if you had any information about DJ, right?
Liam: Ummmm......I somehow knew you were going to ask that...
Soozee: Not that I'm trying to put you in the middle or anything, but if you know anything I should know....
Liam: *silence, but he has that expression that says he has something to tell me*
Soozee: Liam, are you telling me I should walk away?
Liam: *silence*
Soozee: Are you telling me I should just walk away? Because if so, I need to know that....
Liam: *long pause* walk away.
Soozee: Okay, that's what I needed to know....does he want to be friends with me, or not even that?
Liam: Oh, he definitely wants to be friends.

And then the crazy emotional girl took over in my head and ran around like crazy for three days. Now, I am not the crying type of girl. For the next three days I cried. And was so emotionally a mess. It was crazy. I am not THAT girl, you know? Totally not. AND, I had been telling myself the whole time not to get attached. I barely even know DJ, and yet I am sobbing over the loss of a future I didn't even have. What the heck is wrong with me, you know???

So, the thought kept coming to me that the only way I was going to find any peace would be if I talked to DJ directly. And the thought of talking to him scared me to death. But, after two failed attempts I finally asked him if we could talk and he said he was close by my apartment, so I met him up on campus and we talked about some random stuff. I didn't know exactly how to bring up what Liam had said, I also didn't want to tell him what Liam had said because I did feel like I should try to be friends with him. SO, I said something to the affect that Liam had said something to me in regards to him (DJ) and that I knew that I needed to talk to DJfor the truth. Yes, I totally threw Liam under the bus. He's been acting kind of weird, so it could have been a legit concern; and honestly, it was a legit concern. DJ confirmed that we were friends and that he hoped he hadn't done anything that would cause me to think otherwise. I explained that he had always been nice to me (which he always has been-he hasn't always remembered to let me know if he was or was not coming to something, but he has never been mean), and that was what fueled my confusion.

It was a very good talk, and I finally found the peace I had been searching for all week. At the end of the conversation, DJ mentioned he had been dating this girl on again off again for a little while and the previous night he had taken her on a date and they had talked about taking their relationship to the next step. Now, whether that means he's getting engaged, or just has a serious girlfriend I don't know. But she told him she needed to think about it and went to the woods for the weekend. He is hopeful, and I hope the best for him. If she breaks his heart, I'll still be his friend and maybe there will be a chance. If she realizes how great he is and they get married or something, then good for him and I wish him every happiness. I don't feel like I should completely walk away yet. So, I have a great friend named DJ. And, this talk with him really kind of solidified our friendship; kind of taking Liam out of the mix, which really is a good thing. Not that I don't love Liam, he's a great guy. BUT, it is really better for me to be friends with Liam, and DJ independently of each other. Although, apparently Liam talks about me all the time to DJ. All good things, apparently, but yeah. That was interesting. DJ also mentioned in our chat that I am a very kind and loving person "which I know you've heard before. I know you probably hear that a lot, because that is who you are." I like that he has noticed who I am, and not just that I am incredibly awkward.

And, can I ask just one favor from all of you great readers? Can you not feel sad or sorry for me? I know that sounds odd, but after I talked to DJ I was actually really happy and at peace. Yeah, I think he's an amazing guy and I love talking to him and getting to know him better, but this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. I know that this is where I am supposed to be. I don't think I could be more heartbroken than I was last Sunday through Tuesday and I would have gladly taken any sympathy then, but after a lot of prayer and inner searching, I have found the peace I needed in my life right now.

Any way, that is the story. I feel so much better about the situation knowing all of the story. And yeah, it sucks that DJ is kind of or maybe is dating someone, but for whatever reason, we're supposed to be friends right now. I guess we'll see what it all means soon enough. But I really am fine. :)

And now, for your listening pleasure, the song that has been stuck in my head for 5 days now!!! For some reason, the song Mirrors by Justin Timberlake has been playing on repeat in my head and I can't get it out. Ale says it's Jesus talking to me through Justin Timberlake, but that is kind of debatable. I would post the music video, but it was weird, so I posted the lyrical music video which is better any way. Enjoy!!!

Quick Thought

So, ever since I met DJ I've been kind of afraid to really like him because I was afraid that I would get hurt like when I liked Digger, and this huge amazing thought came to me just this very morning. Digger hardly ever came when I invited him to stuff. And he always had lame excuses why he couldn't come-usually involving work. BUT, DJ has only not come once. And he always responds to texts. And he makes me feel like I'm important. And I like it. SO, DJ is not Digger. Thank goodness for that. We need a lot less Diggers in the world. The end.

Update

Well, I figured you'd all kill me if I didn't update you about last Saturday night when I went to Liam's bonfire and DJ was there. I have since become Facebook friends with him, and I'm pretty sure we've both stalked each other out. He is 25, I think...I'm guessing...any way, he helped me out with writing this letter and so I made him Snickerdoodles and took them to the bonfire. He was very happy to get them. It was a lot of fun. I just love being around him. He's usually really positive and I just feel good around him.
    Preface: a couple of my friends were there with the determination to observe DJ and see how he acts around me. I didn't really want them to do this, but I didn't have much say in the matter. So, my friends kind of creeped around a bit and I talked to him a little bit which was fun. I had convinced myself that there was no interest on his part, but now I'm not sure. BUT, one thing I know for sure is that he has a much higher regard for me than I realized. I feel like I am getting to know him a little bit better each time I see him and I love that. I could tell you a bunch of stories from Saturday night, but what it all comes down to is that he likes me, even if its just as a friend. And for me right now that is totally fine because no matter what the future holds, nothing will happen without a good, strong friendship to build on.
     So, tonight I went over to a friend's apartment. She lives in the same complex as DJ and I usually find myself there on Monday nights after FHE. Tonight we were sitting on her balcony (which I didn't exactly like because I kind of have a huge fear of heights). BUT, it was fun to talk to people from the third floor. So, it was getting late and I decided to go home. I was starting to get up from where I was sitting when I see DJ pull in and get out of his car. My friend decided that we needed to talk to him. So, she calls out to him and asks if he remembers meeting her, which he says he thinks so, which made me smile because the second time I saw him two weeks later he remembered my name and meeting me. Any way, he came over and didn't see me there at first and when he did he stopped walking and started talking to me. Well, its hard to talk to someone from the third floor, so I told my friend good bye and walked downstairs to talk to DJ.
    I had been a little nervous to talk to him because I accidentally sent him a text meant for someone else during church yesterday...it was slightly awkward and so in my head that automatically meant that I had ruined everything. BUT,  he just laughed about it. I just hadn't heard from him since, so obviously I freaked out about it. I'm a girl. I do that sometimes. Any way, we were talking about testimony meetings and he asked if I had gotten up in Sacrament meeting and I said I hadn't because I feel weird getting up in wards that aren't my own, but that I usually do because I have a lot to be grateful for. So he asked what I was grateful for today and I said I was grateful for my family and he asked why. So, I told him about my sister in law that I had stopped by to see earlier today and how she is always really great to talk to (as are all of my sisters in law. You guys are all so amazing!!!) and we just talked about family and how awesome they are and it was really great and I like talking to him. And he makes me really happy. And he always seems happy to see me. I think he was surprised to see me tonight, because I think he forgot that I have other friends in those apartments, other than him. But he seemed genuinely happy to see me. And he still gets cuter everytime I see him, and currently we have plans for Saturday with a bunch of friends. It's going to be so much fun! I can't wait. I'm really excited! We're going to watch a movie outside and it's going to be great. And then I'll have more to say. And you'll get another update. Unless everything falls apart in the meantime. That would be terrible. Let's not think about that. Lets think happy positive thoughts!

SUMMERTIME!!!!!!!!! (this is kind of long, but you'd kill me if I shortened it, I promise!)

So, I'm just going to throw a bunch of info at you and you're going to work through it and have fun with it, k? K. So, I moved!!!! YAY!!!!! I moved to the great city Northward. Okay, not the GREAT city, I just moved to Provo-ish area. Student housing. AWESOME! I have great room mates and I live 5 minutes from work (woot woot!!). It's a lot of fun. Pictures to come shortly.

     Now for the part you've all been waiting for. I met a boy. DON'T FREAK OUT. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET. And, I'm not counting on anything happening. I think he'll be a good friend. And that's all that I'm hoping for. Even if he could potentially be the man of my dreams. Because, seriously, he could be. But I don't know if he is or not. So, here's the run down on him. I went to a party at Liam's house. I didn't really think much of it because his parties are huge and I was really only there because he's one of my best friends and I didn't want him to know that I don't absolutely love his parties. Because they're fun, but there's SO MANY people there. So many. And I don't do well with crowds of people. Any way, I wen to the party and Liam had mentioned earlier that he was having a DJ come and it was going to be SUPER AWESOME. This did not help my wanting to go because that meant dancing, and I don't dance. It's not that I can't dance, its that I don't. 

     So, the night of the party comes around and I made cupcakes for it, because I always make treats for Liam's parties, because you never know who might be there. I showed up at the party and one of my friends was leaving with her boyfriend that I don't approve of (not that my opinion matters), and Liam was happy to see me, as always, and Ale was there, and a ton of other people from the ward. I was talking to people when Liam is like "Hey look, my friend is here!" and at that moment, this guy walks back with his speakers and DJ type stuff. I didn't think much of him, and then he turned around. I didn't get a good look at his face, but when I saw him-like actually saw him there-my initial thought was 'hmmm, maybe you should talk to him'. But I ignored it for a while.

     And then I found a moment to talk to him. I don't have a nickname for him yet, maybe we'll just call him DJ because he was the DJ, yeah, that works. SO, DJ is a writer. We talked writing for a while, and he didn't think my ideas for stories were crazy, which was awesome. He has a bachelor's degree in English, and is going to law school now. He works at the temple with Liam, another awesome thing about him. And he is kind of cute. And he inspired me. In the 10 minutes we talked he was asking me about Changing Tyde and was like "so it's kind of like a fairy tale" and it hit me like a brick wall that Changing Tyde very much is like a fairy tale. I love it! New life for a story I've been stuck on for forever! YAY!!! And he was telling me about some of the stories he's been working on, and they sound really cool. 

     Then, the party continued on, and I didn't really get the chance to talk to DJ again, but it was fun. AND THEN, Ale did a not very nice thing. She tricked me and I ended up dancing with this guy that I really don't get along with. It was creepy, and weird. AND, Ale recorded it on her phone. and won't delete it. AND, NO, you can't see it. 

    So, a few of my friends were like "you should ask for DJ's number!!!" and I was like "no." and they kept trying to convince me to do it, but I didn't and when I left DJ noticed and said "oh, are you leaving?" (mind you, it's about 1 AM at this point) and I tell him yes, and he says something like "Well it was really great to meet you." And there's a weird lingering high five and then I walked away. And my thought was 'if I'm supposed to see him again, it'll happen...somehow'. And that is the end of the story......

Here: watch this video! It's kind of funny!!!

And this one too!!!

okay, alright, I'll tell you more of the story, because of course it doesn't end there!! :) 

So, there I was, all alone and moved in to my new place. I went to church and met some nice people. They are all a bit younger than me, but that's okay, I'm used to it. Most single people are younger than me these days. I talked to Ale about DJ and she had mentioned that lots of people thought the DJ and I were a match made in heaven and, apparently, one of my friends didn't go talk/flirt with him because she thought that he was perfect for me. OH, and my room mate kept text Liam asking when he was going to stop by with DJ. It was all a bit much. He didn't ask for my number, I didn't ask for his, there was no indication (that I am aware of) that DJ was at all interested in seeing me again, or even remembering that he met me. 

That Friday night I ended up hanging out with Liam and explained that I thought DJ was cute, and he seems like an incredible guy, but taht I was not expecting Liam to set me up with him or anything. I really just wanted to get to know DJ better and become friends because we are both writers, and i could use some writer friends these days. Liam agreed and said that he wanted DJ and I to get to know each other better especially because we are both such awesome people (his words, not mine, though I'm not disagreeing). 

Jump forward to the next Friday morning. I get a text from Liam asking what I am doing on Saturday night. I tell him that I'm not doing anything, to which he informs me that I am going to a party at DJ's apartment with him. I tell him okay and that is that. 

Come Saturday, I am a little bit nervous and slightly anxious, mostly because I'm afraid that DJ is going to be like "who is this weird girl with Liam?" But he wasn't like that at all. And I looked cute. Like Tango approved outfit and hair cute. And when we walked in DJ was like "Hey! It's my friend Liam!!!" and I thought he had forgotten me, but no! "And hey! It's Soozee too! Awesome! Glad you could make it!" I may have smiled kind of a lot. He remembered who I was. Props to him. And the party was fun. We watched Emperor's New Groove and it was fun.

K, so you know when you meet someone and you think they're cute, but it's also kind of dark when you meet them, and then you don't see them for a few weeks and then you see them and they're not as cute as you remembered them being? yeah, I was worried about that happening, but it totally didn't. DJ was actually cuter than I remembered. And, he's a hug-er. He gives hugs. I don't know why I am always becoming friends with guys that love to hug, not that I mind. I mean, I know I have that whole "don't like to be touched" thing, but that's really for people that I don't know or don't like. If I think you're cute, then I don't mind if you hug me. I digress, moving on. DJ is cute. And his movie night was fun. And, when we were talking to him after I found myself asking if he wanted to come to a pizza night at my apartment the next week. And he said yes. And then asked if I had his number so I could text him the details. I told him I didn't, so he asked if I had a phone and I gave it to him and he put his number in my phone. It was pretty great. And as we walked away, Liam also seemed happy about how things had progressed with DJ. 

Lets move forward to Wednesday night. Liam was there, and Ale, and DJ was super late. BUT, he came. And I think he gets a little bit cuter every time I see him. I had made chicken alfredo pizza and mini chocolate tarts. Neither of which lasted very long. DJ agreed that I make amazing pizza, which I was actually worried about because we had previously had a discussion about amazing pizza and he said that the pizza in Italy (where he served his mission) was the best he'd ever had. So, when he said my pizza was amazing, I was really happy. And then someone suggested that we go see the new Star Trek movie. I said I didn't really have the money to go, but DJ (without skipping a beat) offered to pay for me, and we all went. Ale, and one of my room mates that came said that they felt like DJ and I were on a date and they just happened to be there too. I didn't really get that vibe, but it was fun. I was able to talk to DJ for a minute. He grew up in northern Utah, his favorite color of all time is green, and his favorite cookie is Snickerdoodles. I mentioned that I happen to make really great Snickerdoodles, which he said he did not doubt because I am an amazing cook. TA-DA! I'm amazing. So, the movie was good. My flip flop flipped off my foot and landed behind the seat in front of me shortly after the movie started which sucked, but had no bearing on the quality of the movie. I like Benedict Cumberbatch who plays Kahn, so that was awesome. I thought the story was well developed and the actors did a good job. Also, the one liners were pretty great. All in all, if you liked the first one, you'll probably like the second one as well. 

So, I didn't think I'd get to talk to DJ again. We had tennative plans for later that week that moved to next week, and new I'm not exactly sure when we're going to get together again, but it's all good. 

And then last night happened. I met up with Ale and my friend who has the boyfriend I don't approve of and it was alright. To be honest, I had more fun when it was just me and Ale talking. And hopefully said friend with boyfriend doesn't read my blog. If she does, then we will be having a conversation soon about how I really feel and how I hide my true feelings. I'm a horrible person,  I know. Any way, I had asked Liam what he was doing in case he wanted to come hang out with us. he didn't get back to me until he was off work which, by that point, everyone had gone home. So, I asked if he was doing anything because I didn't feel like going home yet. He mentioned he was at DJ's apartment and that I should come by. So, I did. 

Did you know that DJ plays the violin? He plays quite well, in fact. And the guitar. And he can sing. AND, he's smart. And, he gets cuter every time I see him. AND, I kind of asked what he was doing this weekend and if he doesn't end up going to Montana, we're probably going to do something at some point. 

BUT, I don't expect things to go anywhere with DJ. I think he's adorable, but, now that I've posted this here, I've jinxed myself and it will all fall to apart. Which, lets be honest, it would have done all on its own. Not that I don't want anything to happen, I'm just trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up. Because the odds of him wanting to date me are not usually in my favor. And don't get upset with me. I know I'm a wonderfully fantastic person, and there should be a line at my door if guys actually saw how amazing I am. But they don't always see it, and that really is okay. A line at my door would be terribly inconvenient for everyone. And then I'd feel obligated to be nice to them, and cook for them, since they are waiting at my door and all, and it just wouldn't be fun. SO, I'm happy with where I am, and more importantly with WHO I am. DJ is a friend, and I love being friends with him. It's so much fun. He's such a nice guy. And I love that I get to know him a little bit better every time we hang out. It's fantastic! And this post is REALLY long and if you're still here CONGRATS!!!! I should make you cookies or something! How about Snickerdoodles?? ha ha ha!!!