Christmas is rough sometimes, you know? And I hate being that person that's like "Christmas is hard because..." when in general I power through the season relatively well. The actual holiday itself when my huge family gets together and everyone is talking about their own families and what their kids are up to can be hard sometimes. Two years ago was probably the hardest because I had been graduated from college for a year and had spent the year sending out hundreds of resumes and filling out thousands of applications and had absolutely nothing to show for it.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family that genuinely does care about me. I know they love me, but it's the nature of being single during the holidays. It's bound to happen. And I've learned to accept this and move on.

This year, however, has been hard. Not because I'm still single and alone at Christmas, but just little things that have built up over the past few months and then this week over nothing too serious I just kind of lost it a little bit. I was extremely frustrated over the situation I found myself in. I am behind on Christmas projects and I've got a million worries and frustrations trailing behind me. And Heaven hasn't been quite as vocal as I'd like. In short, I have felt alone the entire month and have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I ended up talking to a good friend yesterday about all of this. I told him about the frustrating situation this week and how I had yelled at God over it. He laughed a little and said "I don't know why, but I like the image of you yelling at God," and then he paused and said something that really hit me. He said, "but isn't that what we're supposed to do? Tell God everything. Get it all out and put it in His hands. How can we expect to receive guidance if we don't tell him the problem?"

This Christmas season has been full of good things, as well as stressful things too. This conversation with my friend was exactly what I needed to start letting go of the stress I've been gripping with white knuckles, worried other people would know my worries and judge me, or worse, try to fix them. I am terrible at asking for help. Last week in a moment of doubt and frustration, I typed out a text message for a friend asking for help and then didn't send it because I told myself she was already dealing with so many other things in her life I didn't want to be another burden.

I think too often we worry we will be a burden to others so we keep to ourselves instead of asking for help and allowing others to be that help and guidance that we need. I'm still learning that one. I'm still learning a lot of things. But I am especially grateful for the opportunities I have to learn. To become better. To work harder. I am not a patient person, not really. I have learned to accept that things will not happen on my timetable, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it in my head. Reaching the lovely age of 33 as a single woman as taught me a lot of things. The most important is that I absolutely can not live this life alone. I have to trust in God and my Savior if I want to succeed. And I have seen so much success! I have a book that will be published (eventually)! I have an amazing group of friends, some of whom have literally drop everything to help me. I've got a great family that loves me and cares about me. All of these wonderful blessings have come from praying and listening.

How does this all tie into Christmas? Well, like I said before, I don't want to be one of those people telling you how hard Christmas is, I want to be one of those people to help you see how wonderful Christmas is despite whatever challenges you face. Are you feeling {insert specific struggle here}? Christ understands. He truly does. And this is a time of year to celebrate Him. So when things get really lonely and quiet, pour your heart and soul into learning more about His life. Read the Christmas story. Focus on him. It'll help. I promise. I've faced so many challenges in the months of November and December, it's not even a joke anymore. But you're not alone, not really.  Thanks to a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. Thanks to a Savior who put all of us before himself. A brother who took all of our pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind so that He might succor us. A friend who wants nothing more than to wipe away the tears from our eyes.

Sometimes Knights in Shining Armor are Mountain Climbers in Jeeps

It's been a while, I know. That's my bad. That's all on me. I've been busy. I've also had writer's block. And before you give me a million things I could have done to get over writer's block, I should probably explain that it wasn't a lack of story or desire that blocked me, but realizing I actually had some really serious personal issues to work through before I could wholeheartedly write. That's why I was blocked. And no amount of writing or forcing of anything was going to break through the personal struggles I am still dealing with.

But, this is not why I'm writing today. I've had a lot on my mind the last 24 hours and writing is one of the ways I express my emotions best. A friend of mine is missing. He went to climb a mountain on Wednesday night and hasn't been seen or heard from since. Granted, I haven't talked to him in about two-ish years, but let me tell you why I've been thinking about Derrik the last few days.

Derrik is an amazing person. I met him when I was in college and he was friends with one of my roommates. We lived on the third floor and he would climb up to our balcony to come for a visit. As a reward, we'd give him an otter pop. But that's not why I appreciated Derrik. One Sunday night I was baking, which I did often, and he stopped by to see my roommate who wasn't home. I was listening to a movie in the living room very loudly and the buzzer in the kitchen went off just as he knocked on the door. I opened it in passing and hollered to come in as I walked back to the kitchen to pull out a fresh batch of rolls. He walked in and asked if my roommate was home and when I told him she wasn't and offered him a roll, he sat down at our table and we talked for about an hour. Because that's who Derrik was. He was a friend to everyone and loved talking to people.

After that first encounter, he would often leave notes saying hi or bye if I wasn't around when he came by. It always made my day brighter when he stopped by. And I appreciated the times he did stop by and we chatted for a few minutes. More than once he stopped by on particularly hard days when I just needed a friend. I know that he was the answer to several prayers through a particularly rough few months.

All of this led up to my favorite memory of Derrik, though. I went to a church meeting that I was not looking forward to. It was a huge meeting for thousands of young single adult members of my church. I had seriously considered just skipping it. No one would have known I didn't go. But I felt like I should and the twenty-minute drive there was spent praying that I wouldn't have to go or that I wouldn't have to be alone.

I kept telling myself that if I couldn't easily find parking, I wouldn't stay, but then I found a perfect spot. Then I told myself that if I had to walk in alone, I would just leave, but as I said that a jeep pulled in next to my car and Derrik popped out and asked if he could walk with me. Once in the building, we parted ways and I walked into the auditorium filled as far as I could see with people. And not a single easily accessible seat. I am six feet tall and for whatever reason, I wore 3-inch heels that day. Everywhere I looked I just saw people staring at me like an idiot and I couldn't do it. So I turned around to leave and as I got out to the hallway leading to the outside doors, I ran into Derrik. He smiled at me and told me I was going to come sit with him. I really hoped he didn't see the tears that slipped from my eyes that day. I wasn't crying because for a moment I had never felt more alone. I was crying because once again Derrik had shown up just at the right time and was the exact person I needed.

And so, for all of these reasons and so many more, my heart breaks tonight for his family and his friends. This will be the third night in freezing cold weather completely alone and I wish with all of my heart that I could be the friend he needs right now. That I could be the one to help him for once. But all I can do is pray to a loving God to watch over my friend and if Derrik's life has come to an end, I pray that God will bless him for the amazing person he is. I know that my life has been blessed by knowing him and I will always be grateful for the kindness he has always shown me.

That by knowing him here, we may know him better there.

Easter. My favorite holiday. I often have a hard time actually expressing why Easter is my favorite holiday. And for many years it wasn't that significant to me. You get a bag full of candy and some nice thoughts about Jesus at church. It was a lesser Christmas to me.

And then one year it wasn't. One year I suddenly didn't care if I got a bag of candy, or if we had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard where all my nieces and nephews could go find them. All at once it actually meant something. It could have been the year and a half I spent as a missionary for my church. It could have been that I was reading my scriptures and happened upon the best Easter scriptures right around that time of year. I don't remember exactly when it happened, I just know now that it did happen.

Over the last year I have been broken in so many ways. My head, my heart, my soul, my strength have all been challenged, bruised and broken. And yet I have lived through it all. I have been strengthened by a force beyond my own. I have been lifted and healed by the grace of God. I have found solace in the words of the prophets. I have lived through it and come out stronger than I went in. And it has just solidified my love for my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

A few years ago my church posted a video gearing up for Easter, and it still brings me to tears. I thought I'd share it.

The video shared nothing that I didn't already know, but it reminded me of how important this holiday really is. There is so much that we have in this life and to look forward to beyond it all because of Jesus Christ. His love for us is so incredibly strong. He has conquered the world so that we might become all that we can be. He has given us the opportunity to succeed. He loves us that much. And I love him with all my heart in return.

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia series at the beginning of the year. It is my favorite young adult series. It has always been a part of my life. I hadn't read the entire series in a very long time, so it was fun to experience them again. I love the simplicity and the symbolism that is intertwined throughout the series. And I love Aslan, the Great Lion. It is no secret that CS Lewis was Christian and used symbolism in a lot of his work. But I love the stories he tells and the worlds he created. And most importantly, I love the feeling I get when I read his books. I was reading The Last Battle and was crying because the series was ending, but also because I was reading the most beautiful words I had ever read. It was a final thought about the Pevensie children, and those great souls that had found their way back to Narnia, and back to Alsan. The quote is:

"Now at last they were beginning chapter one of the great story which no one on Earth has read. Which goes on forever in which every chapter is better than the one before."

And it just left the most wonderful thought and feeling in my heart. To me, that is what Jesus offers us. He offers us peace that can continue on and on forever in which every moment, every hour is better than the one before. 

Another favorite quote is from Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Lucy Pevensie realizes that she will not be returning to Narnia again and pleads with Aslan to visit them here in our world to which he responds,

"But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia. That by knowing me here a little, you may know me better there."

And I feel like that is one of those very symbolic thoughts that CS Lewis added for a wonderful moment in the story between Aslan and Lucy, but also for us as we look to our Savior. Our time in this world is so short when you consider the vastness of eternity. Are we taking the time we have here to better know our Savior? So that when we see him again, we will recognize his face and run to him as he has run to us countless times. That by knowing him a little here, we may know him better there. 

I don't know if this at all explains my love of Easter, but I am so grateful for this time of year. As spring begins and the world wakes up around us. Flowers bloom and the trees turn green. That moment of renewal as we also take a few minutes to remember our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his sacrifice for each of us. Because of him, we don't ever have to feel alone or like no one could truly understand. He has given us so much, he has given us everything. And because of all that he does for me, and all the love that he has shown me, I will praise his name forever. I will welcome the peace he brings into my life. We are all so incredibly blessed to have such an ally and friend on our side, cheering us on. 

May we all focus on this beautiful day, and may we all come to know our Savior a little better. This time of year is for renewal, I hope you will all take a minute to renew your dedication to following Jesus Christ. Following his teachings and his words. I think the world would be a better and kinder place if we could follow him.

The Family Pew

They built a church building down the street from my childhood home the year I was born. From the day of it's dedication on we sat on the second to last back pew on the west side of the chapel. The Carmichael family has ALWAYS sat there, with the exception of the 2 1/2 year stint where we moved to Washington state for a bit just to mix things up. There, we sat on the opposite side of the chapel, as most chapels in my church are designed the same.

A few months ago, my parents were asked to help with a different congregation a few miles away, so I attended alone. For the first time in a very long time, I attended all of my church meetings alone. And I felt the responsibility to sit on the family pew. Never mind it is a rather long pew for just one person to sit on, but I still felt it my duty to sit there and share it if anyone needed a place to sit through services.

A few times, I did not get there early enough and someone else did not know, apparently, that THAT was MY PEW. I honestly felt a little betrayed. How could they NOT know that we have always, ALWAYS sat there! As long as this church building has been standing! So, I was determined to get there earlier.  And I did. And I sat on the family pew. Several people even commented on my dedication to sitting there without my family and I'd tell them, "32 years we've sat on this pew, and we'll sit here at least 32 more." I believed my own words at the time.

Because, you see, I am leaving that congregation. I'm moving to a new one a little further away. One that probably has that pew on the west side, second from the back, but I don't know if it will be the same. In fact, I know that it won't be. Change is in the air, you see, and whether I like it or not, nothing will ever be the same again.

I've had so many changes come this year, and it's been great, but it's also been hard. Sometimes I like knowing that at least one thing isn't going to change, even if that one thing is where I sit for church on Sunday. But we don't always get what we want. And it's time to let go and see where the wind takes me.

I've already seen so many amazing things happen in my life in the last 3 months, and I know there's still more to come. I'm excited and nervous and anxious, but mostly, I'm hopeful. Because sometimes change is a good thing. So, I said goodbye to my pew and am choosing to look forward to something new. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Good things are on the way, my friends. Good things are on the way.

Welcome, November, Make Yourself At Home

Novemeber 2nd, 2016. 5:42PM.

It's November 2016. I am feeling rather positive, however, there is a catch in the back of my mind and in my heart that is telling me that this is only the beginning. This year, frankly, has not been awesome. It has actually been one of the hardest years I've ever experienced. And now, to be in the throes of November. On this second day of the month. I hope, more than I fear, that I will make it through this month. That doesn't mean it will be without it's sneaky little traps. Or that I'll get off scott free, but I hope that whatever November brings in this November of a year, I hope that I can keep my head high and the tears at bay long enough to see that in my darkest moments I am not alone.

Because we really are never alone. And I don't mean to get all weepy or religious on y'all, but I am so grateful I believe in God. That I believe that He knows me and cares about me and actually wants me to suceed in life. Sometimes that means we have to walk through dark, dank November times in our lives. Sometimes we feel completely alone and like no one in this world could ever possibly understand what we're going through. But He does. He knows us. He cares. He wants us to be happy. He really does.

I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. I love Anne Shirley and all of her spirit. I love her life. In Anne of Avonlea, I believe, she is lamenting the fact that Gilbert Blythe is very sick and she has finally realized that she's in love with him and he might die before she gets the chance to tell him and she tells Marilla she's having such a Jonah day and for some reason I really liked that thought. A Jonah day. One thing I also love about those books is that Anne is very positive and she says in the first book, I believe (I've read a lot over the last week) that no matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a brand new day full of hope and promise. So, that is how I am choosing to look at this Novemeber. Some really awful stuff could happen to me. But even if it does, tomorrow will still come full of promise and hope.
Even if my November lives up to the worst that I've had (I really REALLY hope it doesn't), it will come and it will go and I will learn and grow from it and even though it will probably make me cry, it will also make me stronger. Because just like Thomas Wayne says in Batman Begins AND in the comics, "Why do we fall down? To learn to pick ourselves up." In our darkest moments, we have the potential to learn the most and become the strongest. I am strong not because I endured hard things, but because I chose to let those hard things change me for the better.

Also, a happy little note to end on, over the next month I am going to focus on a more Christlike Christmas. Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays, not for the presents and worldly aspects of it, but because I loved focusing on Jesus Christ. So, that is what I want to do over the next two months and I hope that you will join in with me. I will have a few posts focused on that, but I will also have some fun stuff for you. I started NaNoWriMo yesterday and will be writing a novella called Long Black Veil (for now) and it is a ghost story. I've never written a ghost story, so this will be lots of fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it. But until then, keep your chin up! You got this!

Barren

I'm waiting for my laundry. Because heaven forbid I actually remember to do my laundry when the sun is still up and it's a reasonable time while I catch up on all of my TV shows from the past five years. It's fine, though, really. I have some time to think in the wee hours of the morning as I listen to the spin cycle go round and round, and the topic of the day comes from something I read on the internet.

Now, this is a very very touchy subject, and I am in no way trying to make light of anything that anyone is going through. Trust me, I am not trying to make you hate me or think that I am trying to downplay your situation. I'm not. Life is hard. So so hard. Any way, the topic I am thinking of lately is the idea of being barren.

Barren.

Such an interesting word. Usually associated with infertility, which is why I gave my warning above. Because I know some people that struggle with that, and I love them and do not wish to make light of their situation. Nor is that exactly what I am going to talk about today.

Let's go to the Bible. It's such a fascinating book full of so many rich stories. I have a special place in my heart for the Old Testament. A year ago I took a religion class in the midst of my college studies. The topic of my religion class was Women in the Scriptures. It was so eye opening and fascinating and it is where my topic originated from. To be barren has several different definitions, and holds different meanings based on your circumstance. Let's look at Jacob. He fell in love with Rachel. Oh, he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to work seven years for her father just to marry her. He couldn't wait to marry her and on the day of their wedding Rachel's father, Laban, tricked him and he married Rachel's older sister Leah instead.

Sometimes I feel like I can relate to Leah. I am currently on my third or fourth set of friends in the last five years. My friends all keep finding someone they can spend forever with and go off and get married and I sit here. In my house. Doing laundry and 1:00 AM. Alone. Feeling like this might be how I spend the rest of my life. I know how it feels to feel unwanted. I know what it feels like to be asked out because my friends felt bad for me and convinced some guy to take me. And it sucks. Can you imagine how Leah felt? Knowing that her dad was tricking this guy into marrying her? This guy that is actually in love with his sister? She has watched him for SEVEN YEARS work hard just to marry her little sister.

So Jacob works for seven more years to marry Rachel. And he married her, and he was in love with her. More so than Leah, because Rachel was always his first choice. I love how the Bible (Genesis 29-31, in case you wanted to read this for yourself) says in Gen. 29:31 "And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." There's that word again, barren. Rachel was physically barren, and Leah definitely was not. She has several children before Rachel ever has a kid. But Leah does not have the love of her husband. In that aspect, she is barren. She feels despised and rejected.

It is interesting to note how often this same type of situation comes up in the Bible. You have this example, there is also Hannah, in the book of First Samuel, who is the favored wife of her husband, but has no children. They are at a feast in the first chapter and Hannah is upset because she has no children but they have been married for a long time. In 1 Sam 1:8 it says, "Then said Elkahah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am I not better to thee than ten sons?" How often in the scriptures is there a woman who has the love of her husband, but can give him no children? OR, there's the flipside of that. The women who are married to men that do not love them, but they have scores of children. Both women, in a way, are barren. One physically, and the other emotionally.

I am usually really in a great place about my life. I have a great life full of promise and adventure. I have so many doors open to me right now and I love the aspect of not really knowing what's next. It's great fun. Most of the time. There are moments, usually brief, that give me pause. I was walking to my car late one night from a friend's apartment. We had been talking about the end of the semester and the graduation ceremony which I was planning on attending and all that comes with moving on. Graduating college was a huge step for me. Mostly because I honestly wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. College was not easy for me and I worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set. As I walked through the chilly night air that night, my heart sank for just a moment. It hit me that as much as I generally don't mind waiting for Dean, he wasn't going to be there. I wasn't going to get to share this huge moment with him. Yeah, I can show him pictures later after we meet, but it won't be the same. And then, I thought about all the other huge life events that I will do on my own. And then, I thought about what he might be doing that I won't get to see because we're not together yet. My heart broke a little bit that night. I may have shed a tear. Not because I was alone, but because I felt barren in that moment. Trying to look ahead with hope, but just feeling alone in that moment.

And so, that brings me to my current thoughts on the subject. There will be times in all of our lives that we will feel barren. It might not be a physical inability to have children, or it might. It could be that aching pain when you realize that your life did not go at all according to plan and that you are considered an old maid by a majority of your peers. It could be that you can't find a job in your chosen profession. And no matter how many resumes and applications you send out, the crickets are still chirping.

I hope that in these moments of pain and anguish that we remember that there is a God above who knows us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is looking out for us and is with us through our moments of barren-ness. He will always guide us through. And one day we will understand why we were asked to go through the trials we went through. It's hard to see the big picture amid the storm, but there is a big picture. And there is a Savior who can truly understand our grief and pain.

Stay strong, my friends. Know that I love you.


And, just in case you were wondering how my job search is going post graduation, this is a song that sums up my whole life right now!!

Um...I didn't die, I promise

So, if anyone still reads this then let me apologize again for my lack of writing. It's not because I don't love you. Because I totally do. Mostly it's because I was trying really hard to graduate college while I was still 30. It's ridiculous, I know, but I just wanted to say I had graduated college by the time I was 30. 31 just sounds weirder. It's my OCD with numbers.

Um, so I did it. I graduated. I passed my last semester of classes and will walk in April as UVU only does one commencement a year. Go me! It's a huge accomplishment in my book. Nigh unto finishing my mission, which may sound ridiculous unless you've been there. A few years ago I felt like I hadn't really accomplished anything with my life and now I can say that I served a mission and graduated college. My parents would also like to see me add "got married and had kids" to my list of accomplishments, but these things take time.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but after years and years of really awesome self doubt and frustration with Heavenly Father about how my life was playing out, I am actually really cool with being single. Does it still suck living in Utah County where I am pretty much an old maid? Yeah, it kind of does. Mostly because there are no prospects here. There are LOTS of single guys, but none that I can ever see myself dating let alone marrying. They are also, on average, around seven or eight years younger than me. And I'm not really the cougar type. SO, waiting it is. I worked out a deal with my Heavenly Father that I think will work out great for all involved. And, you know what? I'm actually pretty excited about it. I feel like I took a really really long time getting to this place in my life where I finally see things  in a much broader perspective. And I'm willing to wait a little longer for things that will be better in my life. Guys, this is going to be my year. I can feel it. I've got so much coming my way and I can't wait to see all my hard work and plans come full circle.

Any way, if any of you are still reading this, just let me know. If not, I don't know. I'll probably just start adding poems that I wrote and stuff.

BTW, I got a poem published. That was cool.

Midterm Catch Up

So sorry, dear readers, for leaving you hanging for so long! I'm past midterms and well on my way to the end of the semester. This semester has been a game changer for me. No longer am I constantly looking for the elusive Dean Carmichael. I'm also not going into English Ed. anymore either. WHAT?!?!?! I know, I know you were just thinking the same thing. Let me 'esplain. There is too much, let me sum up:

I was minding my own business last week, just hanging out, working on a script for screen writing, enjoying my life and all of that and then I went to bed because it was late. How anti-climatic, I know. That night I had a dream that I was going to lunch with Joss Whedon, Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. I wasn't freaking out in my dream, it was a very regular day in the context of the dream. My phone rang and it was one of my current friends. I went to answer it and woke up. Well that was weird,  I thought to myself as I got up and got ready for the day. Too bad that will probably never happen. And I started another super crazy day. I turned in my script, we read it in class, talked about it's strengths (jokes about botulism) and it's weaknesses (your characters are too normal. They have quirks, bring out the quirks!) and after I got home from another long day I went to bed and had another dream. Much like the first. This continued, and the situation was always similar. Me, California, screenwriting, Tom Hiddleston.
      I don't really know where the whole Tom Hiddleston thing came from. I've been vehement about not liking him because this girl I know pins like 25-115 pictures of him on Pinterest a day. That's worse than my craziest Doctor Who day! So, after I woke up from the dream where I was going to the Oscar's with Tom Hiddleston because I'd been nominated for Best Screenplay, I told my room mate about it and the dream wouldn't leave me all day. It was weird. So, I did what I do best. I watched a movie. With Tom Hiddleston in it. And thought about the complexity of dreaming and life.
    I told Tango about my dreams and he was jealous because he is as much a fan of Tom Hiddleston as I now am. He commented on how he feels that Tom Hiddleston would make a good Jason Tyde. At first I adamantly opposed the very idea because Tom is not as broad as Jason is. He doesn't really look the part. However, he could nail the emotion perfectly. If you don't know anything about Tom Hiddleston aside from Thor and The Avengers, he's well known for being incredibly polite and respectful. Kind of the polar opposite of the character he plays in those movies. And I have come around and actually think he would be a very good Jason Tyde. Good 'ol Jason. Gosh I love that guy.

    I have always dreamed of being a writer. And this semester I have fallen in love with screenwriting. My dad asked me recently how school was and I told him how much I LOVE writing. I should seriously make it my career. I explained it like this:
     I once read a talk from Pres. Eyring about when he was young his dad really pushed him to get a degree in Physics, but he didn't like Physics. He was struggling a little bit and asked his dad for help. They looked over it together and went on with life. The next day his dad came to him and asked about the question. Pres. Eyring said he hadn't thought about it since they looked at it. His dad looked surprised, and said something to the effect of, "don't you think about Physics all the time when you have nothing else to think about?" and Pres. Eyring said he didn't. His dad thought for a minute and then replied, "Find what you love to do, that it is what you think about when you have nothing else on your mind." I have loved the idea of truly loving what you do. I love writing and think about it often, but as I have taken this screenwriting class I have learned that it is what I think about when I have nothing else on my mind. It consumes me and I LOVE thinking about what story I want to tell and how I'm going to tell it.
    Oh, and Dean. Wonderful Dean. Wherever he is, I feel that he is busy, and the time is not at hand for us to meet. And, you know what, that's totally okay. I don't think I'll be getting married for a little while longer. And usually I say I'm okay with it, but I'm freaking out inside. This time, however, I'm totally okay with it. I'll probably get married when I'm 32, which is fine. And although this whole prospect scares me to death, I'm excited and hopeful.
     Thus, the explanation. I am going to become a screenwriter and after some extensive conversations with my Heavenly Father over the last 2 weeks, the plans I had for my life have begun to shift and it's looking like I will get a degree in screenwriting and hopefully get a job in California and go do that whole thing. Very specific plans, I know. I'm awesome like that.
    So there you have it. A catch up on my life thus far. Be excited, friends, because although everything I'm reaching for terrifies me, I know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I won't fail.

If you read this, I'm really okay, I promise.

So, I've been thinking about life again. I should be writing papers right now, or going to the church to set up for FHE, but here I am, thinking about life and about all of you lovely people that still read this blog, or that have just started (hello, new people!!!). I am a very unique individual. I don't use "unique" as code for weird, nerdy, strange, crazy, or insane; although some and/or all of them may apply on any given day. I say that I am unique because there really isn't another one like me. I am my own person. I have amazing talents and gifts that other people don't. I made 150 cupcakes between Friday and Saturday. They looked AMAZING. and I'm not just saying that for a pat on the back, they were beautiful. And I did them. All by myself. I made the cupcakes. I made the frosting. I made the Andes mint fudge. I didn't smash the Oreos because Ale asked to, but beyond that, they were mine. All mine. This may also sound a little self absorbed, but sometimes I don't want people to help me because I want all the credit. I don't like sharing. maybe because I usually have a vision of what I want and I feel that if other people get involved I'll lose my sight and then I have to tell people that other people helped me, and with this project, I wanted it all. I still ended up having to share the credit, but that's okay. Because I know that I did it all. They were mine. All mine. And I am so proud of myself for accomplishing my goal despite really unfortunate set backs.
    I am also unique (and this is really where I was going with this...just had to vent about the cupcakes) because I am 28 years old, and I am still very single. So many of my friends are married with 1 or 2 kids and their lives and stresses and worries are completely different than mine. I love my life. I absolutely love it. I was talking to my sister in law the other day and we were talking about how the grass is always greener on the other side, which is so true. I look at my friends that are married and think "do you realize how lucky you are? Do you see how amazing your life is? Do you know what I would give to have what you have? You're so lucky!!!!" Each day of our lives presents itself with challenges, and I understand that. And now that I've shared my secret envy of my friends, I will share with you another little secret. I'm also really okay with my life. Have I said that enough in this post? I'm totally okay with my life right now. I'm taking steps forward and putting plans into action (except for the writing my papers right now thing....I really need to work on that one). I have come to terms with, and accepted, that it is a possibility I might not get married in this life. Now, before you call me and tell me how I'm going to find someone and that I'm giving up to soon (because I've found that is a response I get quite regularly when people ask if I'm dating someone and I tell them I'm not looking). This does not mean that I don't want to get married, I do-believe me, I do!!! This also doesn't mean that I've given up on looking for Dean. This just means that if the opportunity never presents itself, I will be okay. I have plans for my life and they are AMAZING plans!!! I can't be best friends with Adam Levine and Matt Smith if I'm married with kids. That would be awkward. If I was single, I could do all the crazy things I dream about sometimes. I could publish some books, open a bakery, and then go travel through Europe. Get lost in Ireland. Randomly end up in Cardiff where they film Doctor Who. If I'm going to dream, I might  as well dream big, you know? So, that's what I'm doing. And then, when I do happen to meed Dean Carmichael (whether in this life, or the next) I will know that everything he and I have been through will have made us stronger and better for each other. I will fully understand why I was asked to travel this path alone for as long as I will be asked to. That day will be a glorious one, and I can't wait to meet him. And I know that patience is a virtue, and one that I feel I have learned a lot of. But I actually really love it. patience is still a hard thing for me, but knowing that the longer I wait *patiently*, the greater blessings I can receive.
     I do love my life. And I expect great things from myself. I know that I can do hard things. I know that I can accomplish great things, and I know that my Heavenly Father has tried to help me see all that He has in store for me for a while now. I finally figured out how to listen. And it's a beautiful future, no matter what happens. I hope we can all find that joy in the journey. I hope we can all find the peace that the gospel brings. If you don't have that peace, I hope you can find it. There is nothing that compares.

Dean Carmichael

I am taking a dating and courtship class, and for the "final" I am supposed to write a letter to my future husband. Well, since I don't need this class for credit of any kind really, I decided to do it any way, but post it on here because I love all of you so much. So, enjoy. I hope you learn something about me.

Dear Dean Carmichael,
    Let me begin by saying I think you're a loser. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't seem to figure out what could be so important that you don't have time to include me in your life. That being said, forever is a REALLY long time, and if we're going to spend it together, I hope you get all your ducks in a row before we meet too. I'm working on the same thing.
    Funny thing happened the other day. I was writing (like I always do) and I was writing about Jason Tyde and how he is trying to figure out what his next move should be because he's kind of at a cross roads, and I thought of you and me. I kind of feel like I am coming to a cross roads in my life and I have to make some decisions. Its tough trying to figure out my future all by myself. I struggle with knowing what will be my best option for the future, for meeting you, for plans that we haven't made yet because we aren't in each others lives yet.
     For not knowing who you are, you do carry a lot of weight on my decisions. You also take up a lot of my free time when I'm not focusing on Jason and Kyla, or killing off Nick. He's died like 3 times this week. Poor guy, he never had a chance. But for real, I care a lot about you and what you are doing in your life. I care about who your friends are, I care if the girls you hang out with/date are nice to you. I don't want to meet you and find out girls were jerks, I also don't want to find out they are super awesome either. Because you're going to fall in love with me...well its true, you are.
     I have had a series of dreams lately that I wake from smiling about and thinking of you. I wish you were around so I could tell you about them. I wish for so many things, but what this all comes down to is that I have faith in my Heavenly Father that He is guiding your life as much as He is guiding mine and that when He knows that the time is right, He will guide us to each other. So, it doesn't matter how impatient I am, or how much I think you're a loser (even though I really don't think you are a loser because I'm actually in love with you.) because no matter how much either of us wants to find each other, there is a reason we're not together. There's a reason I am left to wonder if you're doing alright, or what our future holds, but know this: I am doing everything I can to be the girl of your dreams. I am trying not to be too cheesy and hope and dream of our life together. It will happen exactly when its supposed to.

I feel dumb saying this, but its true,
I love you,
Soozee

Struggles

So, I go to the temple sometimes...not as often as I would like...but, I try to go frequently, and the other day (and by "other day" I mean a while ago, like at least a month or so) I was there and I try to think of anyone that could benefit from the prayer roll in the temple. I was getting ready to leave when one of my best friends came to mind and I put her name in. I didn't think much of it and hoped all was well with her and her family and that if not then the blessings of those prayers would hopefully lift her up. I went on my way and felt good about my temple experience.
      A while later (I can't remember how much longer...at least a couple weeks) I heard that my friend was struggling. I wished so much to give her a hug and tell her everything would be alright. But I couldn't be there in person, and words over the internet or through a text just didn't seem the same. I prayed on my own for comfort to be given, and I hope so greatly that it has been.
     My Mom told me recently how often she prays for me, even when she knows I'm doing okay because she doesn't always know when I'm not and she said that she knows even the strongest of people struggle at times and can use a prayer from someone else. This is one of the many reasons I love my Mom so much. She teaches me daily the importance of thinking of others and helping where you can.
     To my friend, if you happen to read this, I want you to know how much I love you. I wish there was more I could do to help you. You are in my prayers daily and I know that the Lord will strengthen you and your family through this difficult time. Thank you for the example of courage and strength you are to me. I think about you daily and hope that you are well. Thank you for always being there for me when I have been struggling, and know that I am always here for you when and if ever you need it.

Love,
Suzy

Almost Christmas

I kind of waited until November was over to post again so as to not jinx myself more than I already had. November and I still don't get along.
    I had an interesting experience over the last few weeks. I met a guy in my ward who seemed like a cool guy. I flirted with him a little bit, and he flirted back which was awesome. So, I hung out with him a few times, but it seemed like the more I got to know him, the more I felt like something was off. Not that he was a bad person, but just something was off. So, I noticed he was always flirting with this other girl too, and thats when it hit me. I felt like I was his 2nd choice (because I was...he probably still thinks I am) and I really don't like feeling like the 2nd choice. Who wants to feel that way? I have reflected a lot on why I feel this way, and I have come to this conclusion: over the past year I was totally in love with Digger and he became a really good friend to me, and the one thing he has always commented on and tried to pound in my head is that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for. He was always reminding me of the amazing qualities I have and of the talents I continually share. I know that I needed a friend like Digger so that way when someone tried to put me as their 2nd choice, I'd realize it, and not stand for it. I am good enough to be someone's 1st choice, and I shouldn't sell myself short.
     On an entirely different note, I am done with another semester of school, and hopefully I did alright. By the end there, I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be done, and now I am! And lucky for me, I am already working on the reading for next semester. I will be reading about 2 books a week for my Young Adult Literature class, starting with Go Ask Alice and Catcher In The Rye; neither of which have I read. I am looking forward to next semester, I think it will be a great adventure and I can't wait to see what happens!!
     Also, its Christmas next week, and as it gets closer, I really start to hate large groups of people in stores and really just want to focus on the actual Christmas story and the reason we celebrate it. I love the Savior, and I love all that this season actually means.

Today I am feeling an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to my Heavenly Father. I feel like I don't thank Him enough for all of the many things He does for me. I feel like He is really close to me lately, which is the best feeling in the world. I feel like He is guiding me right now to a new adventure. I feel like there is so much I need to do in my life and I need to keep going and pressing forward so that I can accomplish all the many goals I have set for myself.
     I absolutely LOVED Pres. Uchtdorf's talk in the General RS Meeting last night. If you haven't listened to it yet, I HIGHLY recommend it! He talks about Forget-Me-Nots and uses them in his talk. I loved the over all theme of the whole meeting and felt so very loved by my Heavenly Father and His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. I love knowing that I am a daughter of God, and that He has so much in store for me. I LOVE the gospel of Jesus Christ and all it means to me in my life!!

An Answer to Prayers

As much as I would like to admit it, I actually struggle a lot with being single still at 26. Its something that frustrates me often. I feel like every time I actually meet someone that catches my attention, nothing ends up really happening and I end up in the same boat. This last week for some reason has been incredibly difficult. I spent a good portion of the week praying for guidance and comfort. I knew from Institute that conference would be a little more focused on those of us in our twenties that aren't married. I prayed to know what to do with my current situation. I couldn't listen to Saturday morning's session and only caught half of the second session because I had to work, but I knew I'd have all day Sunday and last night I prayed with all my heart for an answer. I knew it would come, but did not anticipate the emotion that hit me with it. When Elder Scott spoke, at one point he used the exact words I had uttered in prayer last night. And, as I quickly left the room in which I was watching conference with my parents because I am NOT a public crier (even in front of family), I got a text from a very good friend that simply said "love you" because I'm pretty sure she has been aware that I have not been okay lately.
     How grateful I am for a truly loving Heavenly Father who is so mindful of each of us. He loves and cares about each of us individually, and I am so amazed by His constant guidance. So often I wonder how He can do it. I am just one of billions of His children, yet He still takes the time to let me know that He cares about me and is always there to guide me through my life. I know that everyone is going to post about how amazing conference was, but I knew I would be ungrateful if I didn't thank my Heavenly Father for all the many talks He inspired to help me and those around me. I love Him with all of my heart. He truly is my best friend.