Invisible

I am not a quiet person. I mean, I can be, I totally can be, but in general I have no issue talking in front of groups of people, I can let my opinion be known. I do not hide easily among people mostly because I am not small. I am 6'0" tall, and have the build of a football player, and for a woman, that is not common. People generally notice when I walk into a room and therefore I am used to the stares as people internally wonder exactly how tall I am. Or if I, maybe, eat small children for breakfast (which I do not, btw). So, I am not quiet, but for a not quiet person I certainly do seem to be invisible to a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I am loved and I have a great family. There are plenty of people that care a great deal for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to happen to me, I would have an amazing support system already in place....at least I think I would? I'm not willing to test this theory, so we'll just go with it. But beyond my relatively small group of friends and family, I feel like the world, in general, does not see me. This is proven by the year of applying for hundreds of jobs with a completely stellar resume (three or four of them, actually) and only getting 2 interviews. One of which was because my brother got me the interview. When I got hired at my current job one of the management staff pulled me aside and asked why I hadn't gotten hired before by anyone because my credentials were amazing and I have great skills and interview well. I told her I had not idea, it was not for a lack of trying.

Any way, I often, especially lately, feel invisible. I have felt invisible to guys for years, especially the guys I have developed feelings for. It really sucks when you fall for someone who barely notices you exist. In some ways, it almost worse than if they just told you they didn't like you and to go away. It's one of those things that is devastating in the long run and, unfortunately, has taught me to keep my distance from people. I actually let few people into my life. I am close to some, but only a very select few have ever seen me cry, or seen me cry when I really had no reason why I was.

This post is getting a little too close for my liking, but I really felt like I needed to share. I don't know, maybe someone reading this also feels invisible, but doesn't know quite what to do about it. Being invisible has it's perks. There was once I just stopped texting my friends first, like, I decided I would not initiate a conversation just to see how long it took some people to notice. This was good for two reasons, 1. It helped me see who among my friends wanted me around. And 2, it helped me not be as clingy or as needy. I can be a needy person, or I feel like I can be. I initiate friendships too often and give of myself too freely at times. It's hard because I tend to be a giving person. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that can be a problem sometimes when you are invisible to people 90 percent of the time. I have a really bad habit of collecting people that just want things from me. I'm an amazing baker and a really good cook, so I have had friends want to hang out with me because of that. I am very giving of my time and energy and have had friends only hang out with me for that. Yet, when I struggle and when I actually need someone, I often find myself completely alone. Pert of it is that I don't really know how to reach out to people. There are times when I need help and I need a friend, but don't want to inconvenience anyone, especially if I feel like my feelings are irrational. I had a friend tell me yesterday that my irrational feelings were still valid feelings and that it was okay to feel them. We need this kind of friend in our lives because it really doesn't matter if we're crying over the end of a TV show, or if we're crying over someone completely ignoring our existence whether on purpose or not. All of those feelings came from somewhere. All of that emotion is valid.

Which brings me back to feeling invisible. I promise you, you're not invisible. Not to the people that really matter. And trust me, sometimes you feel like no one truly sees you and it sucks and it's hard. I get it. I have been there so many times I don't even try to keep track. But you're so strong. And you just haven't found the people that will truly see you. They're coming, I promise you that. Hold on to that hope. Hold on for just a little bit longer. I find myself saying that when things get really hard. Hard things make you stronger, and when things feel uncomprehensibly hard and you really don't want to be stronger, that's when the really awesome things start happening . So, please, just hang on a little bit longer, okay? Because you're amazing. And if you're thinking 'But Sooz, you don't even know me', that may be true, but I have felt invisible a lot and it always gets better. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like, but it does get better, I promise you that.

And to finish up, here's a great music video that fits with the theme of this post!

Unrequited

If you are new to reading my blog, then you may not know this, but I am the Queen of Unrequited Love. It's super awesome. I came across a posting of places you can submit essays for publication and The New York Times Modern Love blog is always looking for submissions. So, I took a deep breath and wrote my own live story and submitted it. It had to be a true story that was previously unpublished, including on a blog. So, I never said anything here for that purpose. That is until I got a lovely rejection from them this morning, I'm now sharing my super awesome sorry with you.

UNREQUITED
By: Soozee Carmichael

When I was five, I kissed Bobby Anderson on the swing set in his backyard, which was next door to my house. I thought I was going to love him forever. And then I saw the wolf spider on my leg and screamed and ran back home. Bobby didn't talk to me for many years. This should have been an indication of what my love life would be like in the future, but who thinks that when they're five?

At sixteen, I started my first job bagging groceries in our local store. That's how I met Charlie Cook. He was bringing in a load of carts from the parking lot. He pushed the carts into their place and turned and nodded in my general direction. I swooned internally. He was tall, blonde, and very handsome. I fell for him right then. I didn't even know his name, but I knew we were perfect for each other. He walked towards me and I almost fainted. Then, passing me, said hi to Jessica, the girl at the register behind me. I can still feel the embarrassment. The ironic thing is that both Charlie and Jessica became two of my best friends. We were almost inseparable for the year and a half we worked through high school.

Junior year I finally mustered enough courage to ask Charlie to the Sweethearts dance. He lived in the next town over and went to our school's biggest rival. I liked that he didn't go to school with me, because I wanted to show up at the dance with someone no one knew and was a little mysterious. Except, no one actually noticed me or Charlie. We danced and then went home. The night ended with an awkward side hug. I still thought we were perfect for each other. He just wanted to be friends.

I chose to go on a mission for my church. The night before I left home for a year and a half, Charlie stopped by to say goodbye. I remember hugging him so tightly and praying that he'd still be around when I got home. We'd been through so much together and in the back of my mind I still loved him. That was the first time I dreamed about Dean Carmichael. In this dream, I walked along a beach. There was a black and white lighthouse in the distance and I was wearing a simple white dress. I walked up to him and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was a deep, emotion driven kiss. He never told me his name, I just knew that his name was Dean Carmichael and that we were in love. And then, I woke up. It felt so real that it took a minute to realize he wasn't actually here. It wasn't real.

During my mission, I didn't think about Charlie or anything else from back home. My days were filled with service. I heard from many of my friends each week, but not Charlie. I think that was for the best. When I got home, I stopped by his house and although I still loved him, it was different. We'd both changed while I was gone. He'd fallen in love with a mutual friend somewhere along the way. Within a few months, he turned up on my doorstep with an invitation to the wedding.

Wedding season is the worst when you're single. Especially when you think you might still have feelings for the groom. I sat outside Charlie's reception for a while deciding if I was actually going to go in. I decided I'd regret it if I didn't and walked in. Charlie told me this wouldn't change anything. We'd always be friends. But I knew our friendship was over. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after I left. In fact, somehow I knew this was for the best. Charlie was happy, and that's what I wanted for my friend.

It was a long time before I thought I loved someone. Then Jason Lockhart showed up. He walked into church one Sunday full of confidence and charisma. I should have known nothing good would come of this. There he was with his beard and longish hair, looking like a mountain man. He sat by me and we talked for a long time. I invited him to come hang out with me and my friends, and I would often cook because I knew he was coming. I'm an amazing cook and he would always tell me so. The rest of my life was a mess. I hadn't finished school yet and didn't even know what I wanted to do. I liked talking to him because he was a few years older and seemed to be so much smarter than me. When we were with groups of people he was always aware of where I was in the room. He would gently grab my arm as I walked by from time to time and I thought for sure I was in love for real this time.

With the coercion of a friend, I asked Jason out. The date was a mess, and I ended up with a fever before the night ended. He made sure I got home safely and asked if he'd see me the next day. I told him that I had a lot to do and that he probably would. He looked concerned.

“Take it easy. No need to stress yourself out.” He told me.

“I'll be fine. I'm sure this fever will break and I'll see you tomorrow.” I replied.

“I'm going to call if I don't see you, okay?” He asked. I blushed a little, though you probably couldn't tell from the fever and nodded. He gave me a tight hug and then left. That night, while reveling in the short lived joy of the evening before I started getting sick, I fell asleep and dreamed of Dean Carmichael again. This time I was visiting the grocery store I had once worked in. I held Dean's hand and an old coworker approached me. He asked how I'd been and kept looking at Dean like he couldn't believe we were together. I just smiled and Dean put his arm around me. The love I felt for Dean was beyond anything I'd ever felt for Jason. I woke up again almost looking for Dean in my small twin bed.

The next morning I felt like death. I didn't leave my bed. Jason called, as promised. Our conversation lasted thirty-two seconds. His tone was different. I knew then that everything had changed. I don't know what changed, but he didn't pay me much attention after that. He always talked about doing stuff, but was always busy. He moved away a few months later and I never saw him again.

Shortly after Jason moved, I had another dream with Dean. This one was a little different from the others. I was packing for a trip and Dean came into our room. He went over to the closet and started helping me pack.

“I don't want to go,” I told him.

“It won't be forever. I promise,” he told me back. I awoke again. I was now twenty eight. I had never had a serious boyfriend and every time I had fallen in love it had been unrequited. But in my dreams, there was a man that loved me beyond reason. And even when I was going somewhere, he was quick to remind me that he would always be there for me.

After Jason, I started to be a lot more cautious about who I let in to my life. I met a guy that seemed very Dean-like. Eddie Cooper and I had a lot of the same interests and even pursued the same degree in school. But he was very flaky, either showing up very late or not at all. When I'd see him again he'd be very quick to compliment my beauty or tell me how wonderful I was. Unfortunately for him, I already knew I was beautiful and didn't like my time to be wasted.

In the midst of falling for Eddie, and then un falling for Eddie I had another dream with Dean. This time I was getting ready for an evening to honor an achievement I had earned for my writing. I walked into the living room and he was wearing a well fitted dark blue suit. I put my last earring in and he smiled as I entered the room.

“You look breathtaking” he told me. I didn't say anything in return. I just kissed him gently on the lips and took his arm as we walked out of our house together. When I woke up this time I felt alone and left out. This dream, more than the others, seemed impossible. I felt like all I was ever going to find were the Eddies of the world. Or maybe the Jasons. My Twenty ninth birthday was hard. I felt like an old maid that would never be wanted by anyone. Dean had become a horrible nightmare that I dreaded seeing when I closed my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I realized Dean Carmichaels don't come around everyday. And if I want to find a Dean Carmichael, I need to be the best version of myself. I want to be that girl in my dreams. The one that he can adore, and that adores him in return. Instead of sitting by, waiting for him to show up, I decided to take my future into my own hands. I picked a major and got a degree. I focused on how I could help those around me. I bake treats and take them to people because who doesn't love a delicious home baked treat? I don't need to find Dean this very minute. I need to be the best I can so that when I do find Dean, and I will, I can fall in love with him without worry or regret. I'll know that all the waiting was worth it.

Barren

I'm waiting for my laundry. Because heaven forbid I actually remember to do my laundry when the sun is still up and it's a reasonable time while I catch up on all of my TV shows from the past five years. It's fine, though, really. I have some time to think in the wee hours of the morning as I listen to the spin cycle go round and round, and the topic of the day comes from something I read on the internet.

Now, this is a very very touchy subject, and I am in no way trying to make light of anything that anyone is going through. Trust me, I am not trying to make you hate me or think that I am trying to downplay your situation. I'm not. Life is hard. So so hard. Any way, the topic I am thinking of lately is the idea of being barren.

Barren.

Such an interesting word. Usually associated with infertility, which is why I gave my warning above. Because I know some people that struggle with that, and I love them and do not wish to make light of their situation. Nor is that exactly what I am going to talk about today.

Let's go to the Bible. It's such a fascinating book full of so many rich stories. I have a special place in my heart for the Old Testament. A year ago I took a religion class in the midst of my college studies. The topic of my religion class was Women in the Scriptures. It was so eye opening and fascinating and it is where my topic originated from. To be barren has several different definitions, and holds different meanings based on your circumstance. Let's look at Jacob. He fell in love with Rachel. Oh, he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to work seven years for her father just to marry her. He couldn't wait to marry her and on the day of their wedding Rachel's father, Laban, tricked him and he married Rachel's older sister Leah instead.

Sometimes I feel like I can relate to Leah. I am currently on my third or fourth set of friends in the last five years. My friends all keep finding someone they can spend forever with and go off and get married and I sit here. In my house. Doing laundry and 1:00 AM. Alone. Feeling like this might be how I spend the rest of my life. I know how it feels to feel unwanted. I know what it feels like to be asked out because my friends felt bad for me and convinced some guy to take me. And it sucks. Can you imagine how Leah felt? Knowing that her dad was tricking this guy into marrying her? This guy that is actually in love with his sister? She has watched him for SEVEN YEARS work hard just to marry her little sister.

So Jacob works for seven more years to marry Rachel. And he married her, and he was in love with her. More so than Leah, because Rachel was always his first choice. I love how the Bible (Genesis 29-31, in case you wanted to read this for yourself) says in Gen. 29:31 "And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." There's that word again, barren. Rachel was physically barren, and Leah definitely was not. She has several children before Rachel ever has a kid. But Leah does not have the love of her husband. In that aspect, she is barren. She feels despised and rejected.

It is interesting to note how often this same type of situation comes up in the Bible. You have this example, there is also Hannah, in the book of First Samuel, who is the favored wife of her husband, but has no children. They are at a feast in the first chapter and Hannah is upset because she has no children but they have been married for a long time. In 1 Sam 1:8 it says, "Then said Elkahah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am I not better to thee than ten sons?" How often in the scriptures is there a woman who has the love of her husband, but can give him no children? OR, there's the flipside of that. The women who are married to men that do not love them, but they have scores of children. Both women, in a way, are barren. One physically, and the other emotionally.

I am usually really in a great place about my life. I have a great life full of promise and adventure. I have so many doors open to me right now and I love the aspect of not really knowing what's next. It's great fun. Most of the time. There are moments, usually brief, that give me pause. I was walking to my car late one night from a friend's apartment. We had been talking about the end of the semester and the graduation ceremony which I was planning on attending and all that comes with moving on. Graduating college was a huge step for me. Mostly because I honestly wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. College was not easy for me and I worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set. As I walked through the chilly night air that night, my heart sank for just a moment. It hit me that as much as I generally don't mind waiting for Dean, he wasn't going to be there. I wasn't going to get to share this huge moment with him. Yeah, I can show him pictures later after we meet, but it won't be the same. And then, I thought about all the other huge life events that I will do on my own. And then, I thought about what he might be doing that I won't get to see because we're not together yet. My heart broke a little bit that night. I may have shed a tear. Not because I was alone, but because I felt barren in that moment. Trying to look ahead with hope, but just feeling alone in that moment.

And so, that brings me to my current thoughts on the subject. There will be times in all of our lives that we will feel barren. It might not be a physical inability to have children, or it might. It could be that aching pain when you realize that your life did not go at all according to plan and that you are considered an old maid by a majority of your peers. It could be that you can't find a job in your chosen profession. And no matter how many resumes and applications you send out, the crickets are still chirping.

I hope that in these moments of pain and anguish that we remember that there is a God above who knows us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is looking out for us and is with us through our moments of barren-ness. He will always guide us through. And one day we will understand why we were asked to go through the trials we went through. It's hard to see the big picture amid the storm, but there is a big picture. And there is a Savior who can truly understand our grief and pain.

Stay strong, my friends. Know that I love you.


And, just in case you were wondering how my job search is going post graduation, this is a song that sums up my whole life right now!!

Soozee's Random Writing Tip

Are you sick of me posting stuff yet? It's like I can't stop writing now that I'm out of school. I CAN'T STOP!! And I love it! It makes me so happy! And today I have been working on LIGHTS. Oh, I love this story! I love where it's going and where we've been with it and soon I get to crush Ian's poor little heart. Which is going to break Emma's heart. And Trent/Donovan (spoiler) is going to get crushed sort of. But not really because he wasn't *actually* in love with her. Because he's evil at the moment. But oh, so attractive.

Any way, the point of this post. Over the last two years I discovered something. There are a number of Mumford and Sons songs that I just can't get over when I'm writing. I have a whole playlist of their songs that listen to on repeat. When I need to channel some rage (usually when writing about Donovan) I listen to the song White Blank Page. There's a line in there that I can't get over too. It goes "Can you kneel before the King and say I'm clean?" and I know that it seems simple and maybe unpoetic or even nonsensical, but those words, man, they've got POWER and I LOVE THEM.

When I need to channel some unrequited love (even though I'm the freaking queen of it) I listen to I Will Wait as well as Not With Haste. When I need to write about hope and faith I listen to Babel and Below My Feet. "Keep the earth below my feet. From my sweat, my blood runs weak. Let me learn from where I have been. Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn." Such beautiful words. #56 on my bucket list is to have Mumford and Sons write an original song for one of my movies. I would LOVE for them to write a song for LIGHTS when it's made into a movie because their music has become so intertwined in my writing process for that story. In so many ways, their music is the unplayed soundtrack. When I finish this book and it gets published and you all go pick up a copy of it, I recommend listening to Mumford and Sons while you read it (if you are one of those people that can listen to music while you read) OR, read the book, then go listen to Mumford and Sons and hear my story intertwine with their words and be happy. Be excessively happy. Because it would make me happy. :)

In other news, I found another actor I would love to cast as Jason Tyde. Seriously, peoples, I keep recasting these parts in my head, but it always helps me picture the story better. I have cast Emma in my head which is the first girl I have cast outside of Iridium. Have I even told you guys about Iridium?! I don't think I have. That's a whole other post. And so is this last paragraph. I'ma just leave this here and will get back to it next time I blog. Which will probably be in, like, 3 days or something. I'm totally addicted. Be excited.

Here is one of my all time favorite songs of theirs. It has become my theme song. Especially when I get sad about my life and things I don't have that I want in life that are righteous desires. I listen to this song and remember that I will wait. Enjoy:



And THIS is Emma's song. This is soooo Emma's song. This is her the entire first book. I don't even know if I believe. Dang It's like they wrote this song just for her. I LOVE it so so SO much.