Its been a while since I posted a piece of my book. yes, I am still working on it. I actually thought I had posted this previously, but can't find it on here, so if I have already posted it, lets just pretend I hadn't and you can comment on it again! Okay? OK!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!! Enjoy!
Here's the "what's going on": Jason and Kyla have been dating all summer and then its time for Kyla to go to school, and she also has to break up with Jason, which she doesn't really want to do, but knows that she should...
The cherry red Ferrari was still in the drive way, which was a good sign. I wasn’t sure what Jason had planned for tonight, he had wanted it to be a surprise, but oh how the surprise would be on him this time. I thought about putting it off, but I was supposed to be leaving for Utah in a couple days…I needed to do this now. I opened the door and walked in knowing that Jason wouldn’t mind if I did. I put my purse on the couch in the living room and walked towards the kitchen. It smelled wonderful. I had never known Jason to cook, but if it tasted as good as it smelled than he had seriously been holding out on me. He met me at the doorway to the kitchen and kissed me.
“I was about to come get you…am I running late?” We were still standing close together which on any other night would have been not only normal, but welcomed…but tonight I just wanted to say what needed to be said and be gone. I couldn’t withstand his charm forever. I took a step back and looked at my watch.
“No, I decided to come by early. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s just fine. I thought I would surprise you with my hidden talents tonight, starting with cooking.” He took my hand and we headed into the kitchen. Everything looked so delicious too.
“Wow, Jace, I didn’t know you could cook. I am really impressed.” He looked so pleased with himself and so happy. I took a seat at the counter on a stool while he continued moving about the kitchen preparing dinner. I thought about just breaking it to him now, that things were over, that I was going back to Utah alone and that I didn’t want him to follow me out there. That every moment of happiness either of us had experienced in the last 9 months was all for nothing because I wanted out; but I was still trying to figure out how to say it in a nice way.
I stared out his huge glass windows looking out over the beach while I thought. It was a full moon that lit the whole perfectly clear sky. There were a few stars that sparkled and shined. I didn’t hear Jason come stand behind me, “Beautiful isn’t it?” he asked. I turned to look up at him as he wrapped his arms around me. He looked great tonight, and seemed happier now than any other time I’d seen him; of course this would be the day I am supposed to rip his heart out.
“It’s amazing out here. I love it.” I tried to keep my focus and not let myself get swept up in the moment and forget the task I had at hand; how do you tell someone you love that you can’t be with them anymore? He took my hand and started leading me towards the beach, “Come on” he said, “Lets go for a walk. Dinner will still be a few minutes.” At first we walked hand in hand, and then he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. That anxious and nervous feeling was there in the pit of my stomach, and I knew it wouldn’t really go away until I did what I knew I had to do. I had to convince Jason to let me go. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was the only way to keep Brooke out of his life, and mine.
After several minutes, Jason noticed the silence, “Ky, are you okay?” we stopped and he turned to face me. I was looking down at my feet pretty sure I might cry if I looked at him. Be brave, Kyla, you can do this.
I took a deep breath and then began, “Jason, these last few months have been fantastic, really they have, but I think its time we both face reality and see that this relationship isn’t going to work.” I forced myself to look at his face. Yep, the pain I saw when we first met was starting to creep its way back in. He was fighting it, though. I could tell.
“Ky, what are you talking about? Of course this can work. Where is this coming from?” He replied in a very gentle and slightly confused tone.
“We are from two completely different worlds, as much as we want to pretend you and I belong together in the end we will both end up hurt. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t pretend that being with you would ever be a normal relationship. You’re Jason Tyde, after all and no matter how much you try to hide, the world will always come to find you. As long as you are in movies, they will demand to be as much a part of your life as I ever was. I can’t be in your world, and I told you that when we first met.” I wanted to add an , Oh, PS: you’re ex wife also said she’d make me out to be a harlot in all the national magazines if I didn’t play her stupid little game, but I knew that then he’d go after Brooke and he didn’t need anymore stress when it came to her. But I wasn’t lying when I said that as long as he was in movies he’d never be free of the world; and that was a part of our relationship that I always struggled with…but I think I could have overcome it, if I had to.
“Kyla, I don’t understand. I thought things were going good. I bought a house in Utah so we could still be together. When did all this happen?” The pain was winning, and I hated hurting him. He really did mean so much to me. Just get through this and leave, I thought to myself.
“It’s kind of always been here, I tried to convince myself I could accept it, I could be with you because you really aren’t the movie star you used to be. You have changed so much since I met you, but part of you will always belong to the life you had before I came along. I can’t pretend its not there. I know we made plans, but that was when I thought I could handle everything, and I can’t. So, this is where we say good bye and I hope everything goes well for you. I think I will always love you, but right now that’s not enough.” I turned to walk back to his house so I could leave. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes; in fact the whole walk back was silent. I walked across the back porch and into the house before him. I walked into the kitchen and then I saw the small wooden box sitting on the edge of the table. I didn’t have to open it to know what it was. I picked it up against my better judgment and opened the small box and saw the sparkling diamond ring inside. I was stunned and frozen in place.
“I was going to surprise you with it tonight, but you beat me to the surprise ” I know he didn’t mean for it to be a hurtful statement, nor did it sound hurtful, but it ripped at my heart a little bit. Knowing how much we loved each other and I was walking away from it. He continued,
“Kyla, let me just say one thing before you go.” He walked over to me and took my hand in his. “You have shown me how much good there truly is in the world. You have shown me a whole new way to live. I am a better person because of you. I may not understand why you feel we can’t be together, but I will always love you and one day you’ll realize that. I’ll still be here waiting for you when that day comes.” He kissed me softly and quickly. As he pulled away I saw something new in his eyes, and in his countenance. It gave me hope that he’d be okay after I left.
“Good bye, Jason” was all I could really say. I grabbed my purse off the couch and walked out the front door without looking back.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
True Friends
I know, I know, I always say I'll update, and then I never do. Please forgive the full time working college student who is trying to pass all her classes (which I did, by the way. All A's and B's for me!!!!). However, I've had a lot on my mind and finally have a second to sit down and write it all out.
So, last Sunday I met up with an old friend that I don't get to see very often. We met up in Salt Lake and decided to go walk around temple square. It was the afternoon, so the lights weren't on, but it was still so beautiful. We hadn't talked in a while, so it was nice to catch on things. We ended up sitting down on the curb looking across the walk way to the reflection pond and up to the temple. It was so peaceful. I thought I was doing really fantastic and was having a fun time when my friend asked me what was wrong, "Suzy, I know you, and you're not fine. What's going on? You can talk to me..." A true friend is someone who recognizes how much you're hiding from everyone, even yourself. I had been trying so hard to hide how I have really been feeling from everyone that I got so used to convincing myself that everything was okay...but it wasn't.
See, here's what's been going on. I am trying to be a social person. I like being social, its a lot of fun. I have made a bunch of new friends who, at first, were great. But, the more I got to know them, the less I felt like they were going to be great friends for me. I have a really bad habit of letting people walk all over me. I know I shouldn't let them...I'm just too nice.Also, I always see the potential people have for being good. I always see who they could be. The trick with that is that I tend to hold them to a higher standard, and sometimes they don't hold themselves to that same standard and it ends up badly for everyone...but mostly for me because I'm the one with the super high expectations....back to the story. So, I have some new friends and at first it was great, but now I don't feel like they are as great of friends as I once thought they were. In fact, I have a hard time hanging out with them because I just feel kind of negative. I was explaining this on Sunday and my true friend was telling me that I was ok, that everything would work out for the best. And that's when I remembered why this friend had become such a great friend to me. Because they cared. Because they wanted what was best for me. Because they had taken the time to get to know me; to know me so well that even when I was trying to lie to myself, they saw through it. That is a true friend. That is the kind of friends I need in my life. That is exactly what I am looking for.
It has taken me 25 years to feel like I am worth more than I have allowed others to tell me I am worth. I am an amazing person, and I don't mean that arrogantly by any means. I am talented, I am strong, I am amazing. I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I have a great family. I have so much to offer people, and I shouldn't put up with the crap others try to hand me.
It was just fantastic. And when I left Salt Lake, I came home to hang out with some people from my ward. It was a lot of fun, and I have recently met a new guy and the whole time I was there, I kept wondering if he was as genuine as he appears to be. I hope he can be a good friend to me, because heaven knows I need them!
AND PS: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
So, last Sunday I met up with an old friend that I don't get to see very often. We met up in Salt Lake and decided to go walk around temple square. It was the afternoon, so the lights weren't on, but it was still so beautiful. We hadn't talked in a while, so it was nice to catch on things. We ended up sitting down on the curb looking across the walk way to the reflection pond and up to the temple. It was so peaceful. I thought I was doing really fantastic and was having a fun time when my friend asked me what was wrong, "Suzy, I know you, and you're not fine. What's going on? You can talk to me..." A true friend is someone who recognizes how much you're hiding from everyone, even yourself. I had been trying so hard to hide how I have really been feeling from everyone that I got so used to convincing myself that everything was okay...but it wasn't.
See, here's what's been going on. I am trying to be a social person. I like being social, its a lot of fun. I have made a bunch of new friends who, at first, were great. But, the more I got to know them, the less I felt like they were going to be great friends for me. I have a really bad habit of letting people walk all over me. I know I shouldn't let them...I'm just too nice.Also, I always see the potential people have for being good. I always see who they could be. The trick with that is that I tend to hold them to a higher standard, and sometimes they don't hold themselves to that same standard and it ends up badly for everyone...but mostly for me because I'm the one with the super high expectations....back to the story. So, I have some new friends and at first it was great, but now I don't feel like they are as great of friends as I once thought they were. In fact, I have a hard time hanging out with them because I just feel kind of negative. I was explaining this on Sunday and my true friend was telling me that I was ok, that everything would work out for the best. And that's when I remembered why this friend had become such a great friend to me. Because they cared. Because they wanted what was best for me. Because they had taken the time to get to know me; to know me so well that even when I was trying to lie to myself, they saw through it. That is a true friend. That is the kind of friends I need in my life. That is exactly what I am looking for.
It has taken me 25 years to feel like I am worth more than I have allowed others to tell me I am worth. I am an amazing person, and I don't mean that arrogantly by any means. I am talented, I am strong, I am amazing. I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I have a great family. I have so much to offer people, and I shouldn't put up with the crap others try to hand me.
It was just fantastic. And when I left Salt Lake, I came home to hang out with some people from my ward. It was a lot of fun, and I have recently met a new guy and the whole time I was there, I kept wondering if he was as genuine as he appears to be. I hope he can be a good friend to me, because heaven knows I need them!
AND PS: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thankful
It was Thanksgiving this week (in case any of you missed it) and I love the holidays. I love spending time with my family and seeing everyone. I love my nieces and nephews, all 21 of them. I love my siblings, they are amazingly great examples of how I want to live my life. I am so incredibly grateful for my life. I am so lucky to be where I am. I have a great family, some really awesome friends, an amazing testimony of the gospel. The list is very long and I won't bore you with the details, but you get the idea.
I know that everyone is one the "I'm thankful for..." bandwagon this time of year, and this year I have really tired to avoid it publicly (this is the first time I've blogged about it and I haven't said much on facebook either) but I really am thankful for all that I have. I am so blessed, and so lucky to have so much! If I didn't care about your time, I would go on and on, but I will leave my post with this: I am so grateful for you, and since mostly its my family that reads this, or close friends, it is to you I direct that comment. So many of you have influenced my life for the better and I am so grateful for you. Thanks. Love, Suzy
I know that everyone is one the "I'm thankful for..." bandwagon this time of year, and this year I have really tired to avoid it publicly (this is the first time I've blogged about it and I haven't said much on facebook either) but I really am thankful for all that I have. I am so blessed, and so lucky to have so much! If I didn't care about your time, I would go on and on, but I will leave my post with this: I am so grateful for you, and since mostly its my family that reads this, or close friends, it is to you I direct that comment. So many of you have influenced my life for the better and I am so grateful for you. Thanks. Love, Suzy
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Realization
So...this month has been FREAKING me out. I have been so nervous/anxious/worried about November for a couple of months now. For references about why I am so anxious about November, check here, or here, or here....yeah, just a peachy time for me! I realize the month isn't over, and that really I'm just half way through it, but I came to this realization today that I felt I wanted to share. Actually, its been a long time coming...about a year. Last year after my accident, when I said it was a new horizon, I had NO IDEA how true that statement was. Within the first six months of this year I switched wards, was determined to make new friends, got new friends that told everyone else how amazing I am and then got even more friends, got a new calling, went back to school, and have focused each day on being a little more positive.
Don't get me wrong, its been a tough year, but it has also been so rewarding. I used to let people use me. I used to always be the instigator in friendships, I used to care so much about what other people thought of me. I used to have no self esteem. The list could go on and on and on, but that's not what is important. What is important is who I am now.
Did you know that I am an amazing person? I don't say that to be arrogant or prideful, but its something I have just discovered. I am a really good cook. I am very creative. I can create amazing things that people stare at in awe. I have never had this happen until recently. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see anymore. I see a strong independent woman that had goals and ambitions for life. I see a woman who doesn't wait for a friend to invite her to go do something knowing full well they never will. I refuse to be the instigator in a friendship. If you don't want to invite me to go do stuff from time to time, then I don't have time for you either. I don't think this is asking too much. A couple of weeks ago I was contemplating a few friendships that I wasn't sure about. I was frustrated, and didn't feel like these "friends" of mine actually cared about me. So, I did a little test. I deleted them out of my phone and off of facebook just to see how long it would take for them to notice that I had taken a step back completely. And you know what...none of them have noticed. And I haven't wasted my time and talents on friends that say they care, but don't actually do anything to prove it. Do I sound mean and harsh? I'm not trying to be, I have just realized that I am worth so much more than I have previously given myself credit for.
I have let Satan into my mind far too often. I have listened too many times when he has told me that I am worthless and a loser. I am neither worthless or a loser and I know that now. I know who I am, and I deserve so much more than I thought I could settle for. I have put all my trust in my Heavenly Father, and He has never let me down. I have given Him my heart, and it hasn't been broken since. I know that He will guide me to where I need to be. I am so grateful for Him, and for His gospel. It is true, and amazing, and I love it!
Don't get me wrong, its been a tough year, but it has also been so rewarding. I used to let people use me. I used to always be the instigator in friendships, I used to care so much about what other people thought of me. I used to have no self esteem. The list could go on and on and on, but that's not what is important. What is important is who I am now.
Did you know that I am an amazing person? I don't say that to be arrogant or prideful, but its something I have just discovered. I am a really good cook. I am very creative. I can create amazing things that people stare at in awe. I have never had this happen until recently. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see anymore. I see a strong independent woman that had goals and ambitions for life. I see a woman who doesn't wait for a friend to invite her to go do something knowing full well they never will. I refuse to be the instigator in a friendship. If you don't want to invite me to go do stuff from time to time, then I don't have time for you either. I don't think this is asking too much. A couple of weeks ago I was contemplating a few friendships that I wasn't sure about. I was frustrated, and didn't feel like these "friends" of mine actually cared about me. So, I did a little test. I deleted them out of my phone and off of facebook just to see how long it would take for them to notice that I had taken a step back completely. And you know what...none of them have noticed. And I haven't wasted my time and talents on friends that say they care, but don't actually do anything to prove it. Do I sound mean and harsh? I'm not trying to be, I have just realized that I am worth so much more than I have previously given myself credit for.
I have let Satan into my mind far too often. I have listened too many times when he has told me that I am worthless and a loser. I am neither worthless or a loser and I know that now. I know who I am, and I deserve so much more than I thought I could settle for. I have put all my trust in my Heavenly Father, and He has never let me down. I have given Him my heart, and it hasn't been broken since. I know that He will guide me to where I need to be. I am so grateful for Him, and for His gospel. It is true, and amazing, and I love it!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Right Place at the Right Time
Tonight, I had the opportunity of being in the right place at exactly the right time. It was amazing. I didn't want to go to ward prayer...I wanted to stay home and watch this weeks episode of Sherlock, but I felt like I should go. So, I did. And I ended up talking to a friend, which made my night, and I know that this friend needed someone tonight. It was amazing.I love how much Heavenly Father looks out for each of us. Its absolutely AMAZING. I love Sundays. I love the gospel. I love my Savior.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sherlock
I just watched this newer updated version of Sherlock Holmes currently playing on Masterpiece Mystery. I loved it. Here is a scene from the first episode just after Dr. Watson meets Sherlock. I LOVE IT!!!!
Watch the full episode. See more Masterpiece.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Update!
So, if I don't write often over the next couple months its because I am writing a freakishly large quantity of papers for my English class. I can't really complain because I LOVE to write, but it does take a lot of time to write the specific types of papers on specific topics. Its all in good learning, I suppose.
So, I am taking this Book of Mormon class, which is fantastic! I love it! I am learning soooo much! I love the gospel of Jesus Christ! SOOOOO amazing! I went to the temple last week and had this truly great experience. I just love our Heavenly Father's plan for each of us. Even when I am going crazy with impatience, He is always there to guide me through life and reminds me constantly that He is in control and will help me at exactly the time I need help.
At this moment, I am watching The Scarlet Pimpernel. I LOVE that movie. You should watch it. SERIOUSLY. K, more to write! Have a great week all!
So, I am taking this Book of Mormon class, which is fantastic! I love it! I am learning soooo much! I love the gospel of Jesus Christ! SOOOOO amazing! I went to the temple last week and had this truly great experience. I just love our Heavenly Father's plan for each of us. Even when I am going crazy with impatience, He is always there to guide me through life and reminds me constantly that He is in control and will help me at exactly the time I need help.
At this moment, I am watching The Scarlet Pimpernel. I LOVE that movie. You should watch it. SERIOUSLY. K, more to write! Have a great week all!
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