If you read this, I'm really okay, I promise.

So, I've been thinking about life again. I should be writing papers right now, or going to the church to set up for FHE, but here I am, thinking about life and about all of you lovely people that still read this blog, or that have just started (hello, new people!!!). I am a very unique individual. I don't use "unique" as code for weird, nerdy, strange, crazy, or insane; although some and/or all of them may apply on any given day. I say that I am unique because there really isn't another one like me. I am my own person. I have amazing talents and gifts that other people don't. I made 150 cupcakes between Friday and Saturday. They looked AMAZING. and I'm not just saying that for a pat on the back, they were beautiful. And I did them. All by myself. I made the cupcakes. I made the frosting. I made the Andes mint fudge. I didn't smash the Oreos because Ale asked to, but beyond that, they were mine. All mine. This may also sound a little self absorbed, but sometimes I don't want people to help me because I want all the credit. I don't like sharing. maybe because I usually have a vision of what I want and I feel that if other people get involved I'll lose my sight and then I have to tell people that other people helped me, and with this project, I wanted it all. I still ended up having to share the credit, but that's okay. Because I know that I did it all. They were mine. All mine. And I am so proud of myself for accomplishing my goal despite really unfortunate set backs.
    I am also unique (and this is really where I was going with this...just had to vent about the cupcakes) because I am 28 years old, and I am still very single. So many of my friends are married with 1 or 2 kids and their lives and stresses and worries are completely different than mine. I love my life. I absolutely love it. I was talking to my sister in law the other day and we were talking about how the grass is always greener on the other side, which is so true. I look at my friends that are married and think "do you realize how lucky you are? Do you see how amazing your life is? Do you know what I would give to have what you have? You're so lucky!!!!" Each day of our lives presents itself with challenges, and I understand that. And now that I've shared my secret envy of my friends, I will share with you another little secret. I'm also really okay with my life. Have I said that enough in this post? I'm totally okay with my life right now. I'm taking steps forward and putting plans into action (except for the writing my papers right now thing....I really need to work on that one). I have come to terms with, and accepted, that it is a possibility I might not get married in this life. Now, before you call me and tell me how I'm going to find someone and that I'm giving up to soon (because I've found that is a response I get quite regularly when people ask if I'm dating someone and I tell them I'm not looking). This does not mean that I don't want to get married, I do-believe me, I do!!! This also doesn't mean that I've given up on looking for Dean. This just means that if the opportunity never presents itself, I will be okay. I have plans for my life and they are AMAZING plans!!! I can't be best friends with Adam Levine and Matt Smith if I'm married with kids. That would be awkward. If I was single, I could do all the crazy things I dream about sometimes. I could publish some books, open a bakery, and then go travel through Europe. Get lost in Ireland. Randomly end up in Cardiff where they film Doctor Who. If I'm going to dream, I might  as well dream big, you know? So, that's what I'm doing. And then, when I do happen to meed Dean Carmichael (whether in this life, or the next) I will know that everything he and I have been through will have made us stronger and better for each other. I will fully understand why I was asked to travel this path alone for as long as I will be asked to. That day will be a glorious one, and I can't wait to meet him. And I know that patience is a virtue, and one that I feel I have learned a lot of. But I actually really love it. patience is still a hard thing for me, but knowing that the longer I wait *patiently*, the greater blessings I can receive.
     I do love my life. And I expect great things from myself. I know that I can do hard things. I know that I can accomplish great things, and I know that my Heavenly Father has tried to help me see all that He has in store for me for a while now. I finally figured out how to listen. And it's a beautiful future, no matter what happens. I hope we can all find that joy in the journey. I hope we can all find the peace that the gospel brings. If you don't have that peace, I hope you can find it. There is nothing that compares.

I am the writer.

I have a teacher this semester that requests a response to each of the authors we study. She keeps telling us that we are the writers, so whatever we write is our response. We are the writers. We are the writers. I am the writer. I decided to test the limits with my Emily Dickinson response because I couldn't think of anything academic to say, I just kept seeing Emily and Ian and part of their story running through my head, so I decided to run with it! And here you go:

Soozee Carmichael

Emily Dickinson Response

February 9, 2013

As I read Emily Dickinson this time through, I kept having this story play through my mind as I read her words. I am not a poet at all, but I am a writer and I felt that I could best express my impression of Emily Dickinson's poetry through a story of my own. This is just an excerpt of what I saw in my mind, and much like her poetry, you will see only a tiny glimpse of a much broader idea. I feel that this story best captures my feelings of the poetry we read because it's a story that focuses on a ballerina named Emma who thinks that everything around her is real, but in reality everything she is seeing is false and the dream that she keeps having is real. She is actually married to the man in her dreams, but she has been taken and made to think that he never existed, thus making him just a dream to her. So she keeps seeing him in her mind and knowing that he is significant, but she has no way of knowing exactly how to get to him, or that he is real. I feel that there is a sense of longing and hopefulness in the midst of these poems that kind of remind me of what Emma is feeling. In some ways, I think Emma understands Emily Dickinson far better than I could. This story reminds me of Ms. Dickinson's poems specifically about eternity, nature and beauty. Not that the other poems we read don't apply, there are just several that really led me to write the excerpt below.

More Than Just A Dream

Sometimes I dream about him. And then I wake up alone and I reach out in between my dream and reality as if reaching for him will bring him closer to me. The dream is always the same. It starts out so happy and peaceful. We're having a picnic in this beautiful meadow with silver trees. The trees aren't entirely silver, they have veins of silver running through them. They're magical. And so is he. His messy perfect hair, his gorgeous eyes, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so loved. We are there laughing when the sky suddenly goes dark and a shadow passes over his face. He get up and he takes my hand. Its all very quick as he tries to get to safety, wherever that is.

Someone is following us. Stalking us. He keeps a firm grip on my hand and keeps looking back to make sure I'm still there. “Don't let go!” he keeps shouting as we run down a steep hill covered in jagged rocks. He looks at me, and then at his watch. He looks at me again and is saying something, but I can't understand him. Whatever is following us is getting closer. I can't see the creature-whatever it is, but I can tell it's getting close. I can feel it.

And then he's gone. My love has vanished and my hand falls to my side as I start to slow. I don't know where I'm going. And then everything goes dark and I wake up. I can't remember his name, and as soon as I wake up the details of his face start to fade. It's like there's something that doesn't want me to remember him. Whoever he is, he left me there, though. Alone. To face the darkness. But I still reach for him. And I realize that my twin bed wouldn't fit anyone but me any way. My hand reaches out for the love that isn't there and finds cold air of the frigid January morning in New York.

I get up and walk to the window, as if looking out will bring him closer to me. Absentmindedly, I play with the ring on my left hand. It doesn't mean anything to me, but I wear it any way. It catches every glimmer of light that is around. I twirl it around my finger over and over again without realizing I'm doing it. It's become a habit. I almost feel like it's supposed to remind me of something, but I can't think of what. And then I remember the man in my dreams. I don't know who he was, but it is as if our souls were attached, and we can't live without each other. But dreams are all that I have. I don't know what else to do, I know he doesn't exist. That much is never spoken, but understood in my mind.

My bookshelf stood beside my window. An old black book caught my eye, I picked it up. It was the complete works of Emily Dickinson. I had always loved her poetry. The way that they stood out from the ordinary and brought a darker shadow to the ordinary. I somehow felt that she understood my life and the craziness that I felt each day as I awoke from the same dream; as if my reality was just out of reach. I opened the pages and read the first poem I came to:

13

Sleep is supposed to be

By souls of sanity

The shutting of the eye.

Sleep is the station grand

Down which, on either hand

The hosts of witness stand!

Morn is supposed to be

By people of degree

The breaking of the Day.

Morning has not occurred!

That shall Aurora be —

East of Eternity —

One with the banner gay —

One in the red array —

That is the break of Day!

“Emma?” I hear my name from behind me. I turn and see Nikki standing in my doorway. Our apartment is small, and I'm sure she heard me in my sleep again.

“Sorry, was I talking in my sleep again?” This was becoming a nightly occurrence.

“No, but I heard you get up and wanted to make sure you were alright. How did you sleep? Did you have the dream again?” Nikki looked concerned, again. She had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. She knew everything about me.

“Yeah, I did. It's always the same. The same guy, the same place, the same darkness chasing us. I wish I knew what it meant.” I closed the book that spoke directly to my soul, putting all of my thoughts, doubts and fears onto paper. As I placed it back on the shelf I turned to Nikki,

“Maybe it's better if you don't.” I turned back to the window and watched the people rushing through the rain below us. I didn't want to ignore these dreams. They meant something. I just didn't know what.

“He's not real, Em. There's no one that could be that perfect. And, I don't know of anywhere that has silver trees. So, it's all in your fantastic imagination. Now lets go, we have rehearsal in like 35 minutes and I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a really long rehearsal since we've only got three days until the show opens. Too bad not everyone has their part down like you do.” It was true, ballet had come naturally to me. I was the prima ballerina in the New York City Ballet. You don't just wake up in that position. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication. I had given up everything to achieve this dream. Nothing was going to stand in my way.

I got ready quickly and we rushed over to the studio. We were the last ones there. We joined in with everyone else warming up and before I knew it, we were in the midst of running through the entire performance. Something odd had been going on, and I couldn't quite figure out how to explain it. My dance partner's name was David, and although he was incredibly talented, I felt like I had never danced with him before in my life. He was more rigid than necessary and we didn't exactly flow well together. There was something off about the way we danced. I also kept calling him Marques, which was odd. There were so many unexplained oddities in my life. I felt like I was living in a dream and that nothing was real. But how can reality not be real? How can everything I see in front of me and feel and do and touch be false?  

Ale

I have a friend. Well, I have a few friends, but this one in particular is a friend that feels she deserves a shout out on here because I've mentioned her a few times but never given her a name on my blog or anything. Let's call her ALE. or Ale. because I forget to all caps things sometimes. So, Ale is a very good friend and she knows a lot of other friends including Maddie and Tango and Tex and Digger and Liam and Logan. She never met AHG though. Any way, Ale is a really awesome friend who I let read this here blog. I claim temporary insanity because I actually go crazy when people read my writing in front of me. And with Ale as my witness, I was going crazy as she read. She really wanted to read the Digger saga (because I have decided it was a saga). She was friends with him too, and looking back, I was so blind to so many things and defended him when I should have just let him walk out of my life. However, if I hadn't been hurt by Digger, or if I hadn't gone through all of that then I wouldn't have been a jerk to Liam and he wouldn't have proven me wrong when I believed that all men are scum. I wouldn't have given Liam the chance to show me that some guys really are great.
    Moving away from Ale for a minute, I recently had a conversation with Liam about how we felt about each other. we're just good friends, and I am totally okay with that. He's a great guy, but not someone I really want to date right now. He asked Ale if he'd ever broken my heart, which I thought was sweet, but that is Liam. He's a really sweet guy. I told him that he had never broken my heart, which is true. I never gave it to him, really. I never gave him the chance to break it. But I am glad to have him in my life. He pushes me to be a better person and there is a level of mutual respect between us that I have never had with anyone else. Ale fights with him a lot, but if anyone ever says anything bad about him, she'll be the first one to knock you to the ground.
     I've got more to say, but I'm kind of tired, so I'll write more soon, I promise!!!

And then they all died. It was sad. I ugly cried. It was horrible.

     I feel like all of my favorite shows are killing off main characters. I hate it when they do this. Downton Abbey being at the top of the list. SERIOUSLY GUYS, what's wrong with you writers?!?!?!!?  Stop the hate! Stop the killing!! Just let my characters live and give them drama some other way!!!!!! At least Sherlock isn't *actually* dead. But seriously. Stop the dying-ness peoples! Maybe I'll just become a screenwriter so that I have a say in who lives and who dies!!
I told myself I HAD to work on homework today...right now, in fact....so, of course I'm writing on my blog instead. Obviously. I've been thinking a lot about life lately. What I want, where I'm going, what I want out of it, you know, the usual questions. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but every year around my birthday I write a letter to my future husband. Sounds odd, I'm sure, but it's kind of a marker for me to check back and see where I've come from and what I hope for in the future. Any way, I started this year's letter back in January and didn't finish it. I picked it back up this last weekend and finished it without reading the beginning, then I went back and read the whole thing. I surprised myself quite a bit. The first part of my letter was really sad. Like really sad. I think I was freaking out about being 28 and not married (and if anyone reading this isn't LDS, or from Utah, you probably don't see that as a bad thing) and I kind of wrote it out in a letter. But then, this last weekend (and the last few weeks) I have just been really positive and LOVING life and looking forward to some huge new changes ahead for me. And so I wrote those out in my letter too and it was really surprising to me that I have been really down lately. I hadn't really noticed.
     Any way, yeah, life-it's getting better. I have been working on LIGHTS a lot lately and I am so in love with Ian and Emma and their relationship. I'm going to take them to the very edge, though. I'm going to make them question everything and they're going to have to rely on each other and hope that somehow they don't die and make it out together. I think that this is the best way for me to solidify how much they care about each other. Also, it adds the drama needed to promote a story. Because what is a story without an issue or drama? A boring sugar coated story that is hard to relate to, because we all have problems. We do, it's just the way things work. So, don't hate me when you think Ian is dead or Emma has forgotten about him. It'll be okay, I promise. Trust me, I'm the writer :)
     In other news, I have been baking up a storm lately and I have to say that I am so proud of myself when I finish a project whether its baking or sewing or writing. I love creating things, and I love accomplishing them too! It's awesome!! I'll post pictures soon. Because they're fantastic!!!
     Um....I think that is about it. Life is GREAT!!! I love writing and baking and everything about my life right now. I'm working on some things that I'll blog about later, but for now, I'm doing good and hope you are too!!!

Soozee's Obsessions (or as I often say in reference to them, Sorry, K?)

I can sometimes become easily addicted to things. Lately they are usually of a British fashion and generally on TV. As I previously mentioned, I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was so fantastic!!! And my cake. Oh, my cake. It was AMAZING thanks to my sister in law who did most of the work on it. I helped a little, mostly in the placing of characters (so the universe wouldn't end by having three different doctors in the same place at the same time.) and getting the colors just write (TARDIS blue is a bit tricky...) any way, instead of writing up a whole blog about it, my sister in law did and she put it in so much better words than I ever could. Check it out here. You won't regret it, I promise!

So, I love Doctor Who, we all know that. I think the entire world knows that I like Doctor Who. It's a fantastic show and I've seen all the episodes from the 2005 reboot to present. That's a lot when I think about it.

 I also recently watched another British show that I had heard a lot about. It's called Merlin.
 And I kind of fell in love with it. There's 5 seasons in total, the show just ended and I watched them all in about 2 weeks. No, my grades aren't suffering because of it...yet. BUT, I finished it the night before last and although I love the show it was over, and the end of things always brings a twinge of sadness with it, even if the story ends happy. It ends. And I don't like endings. Because then there's no more. It's gone. And that is always a little bit sad.

Having said that, I will tell you this about Merlin, it follows Prince/King Arthur in Camelot and the knights of the round table, only the story begins when both Merlin and Arthur are young and they kind of grow up together. At the beginning Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon has outlawed magic, which is bad because Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the face of the Earth.

 There's your opening to the story. I think we all know the ill fated story of Arthur and Guinevere and Lancelot and all that garbage in the original story, but that is why I love this show so much. They don't have any of the smuttyness that is in the original story. They keep the characters strong and true to the values that they originally stood for. Arthur remains strong and true to his kingdom and his people. Guinevere doesn't betray him and stays faithful to him. And Lancelot is a really cool guy. At first I didn't want to like him, but then something happened and I was like "okay, I can like him" and yeah...now it's over. But it is a good show.

I can honestly say I have not literally laughed out loud so much watching a show in a really really long time. The writers are geniuses and the banter between Arthur and Merlin is so funny. I really really liked it (obviously). And the guy that plays Arthur (Bradley James) is kind of the type of guy that I see Ian as from my story Lights. If I ever finish that book, and if it ever gets published, and if everyone loves it enough that they make it into a movie, I'm going to petition that if he's not to old by the time all this happens, that he plays Ian, because I think that would be brilliant. That's a lot of if's, I know, but when you dream, dream big, right?

Best Day EVER!!!!

So, I'm a couple of days late on writing this, but it was my birthday, so I assume you will all forgive me. If not, that's dumb. It's my birthday....or it was two days ago. Any way....it was my BIRTHDAY!!! I love my birthday! It's such a FABULOUS day!!!! I am actually going to post again when the write up about my cake goes live in the next few days, but lets just say that my cake was very me this year. Yeah, and it was AWESOME. the end. Oh, and Logan didn't come over when I invited friends over. But that's okay. I really didn't think he would, and that's okay. Liam, on the other hand, has been really really sweet lately; which isn't entirely unusual for him, it just seems a little bit more than usual. I don't know what is going on there.
    Any way, last week Tango and I went to see Ellie Goulding in Salt Lake, and before you think to yourself  'who on Earth is Ellie Goulding???' here is the song most of you have heard of hers:

and now I'm guessing your next thought is "Um....Soozee....that was kind of a weird music video...." yeah, I know, but it's a me and Tango thing. AND, that's what he got me for Christmas. AND, it was a lot of fun. Other than the stupid guy a few rows in front of us that kept jumping up and down right in front of me........I don't like to be touched (then why did I go to a concert?!?!?!) and there was soooo many people there. It was insane, and that guy kept blocking my view. I really wanted to throw something at him, but that would have caused a riot, and I didn't want that. SO, I enjoyed the concert and made fun of the drunk people. Plus, I went with Tango and that was a lot of fun. He and I don't usually go do stuff just the two of us outside of work, so it was just a fun night. Full of fog...that was scary. But we survived. And it really was sooo much fun! She is really really good live. Like, she sounds like she did in the video; only it was in real life. Crazy.

Before we went to the concert, we were meeting up with Tex and his wife (I don't think I've mentioned her before, lets call her Maddie) So, Tex and Maddie live in Salt Lake and we were going to meet up for dinner. So, we met them at their apartment and all headed over to the restaurant  and Maddie was like "Our table is over here" and I was just thinking she had called ahead or something, so we follow her and when we get to the back of the restaurant, there's a big group of people at the tables. I was a little curious, and then I realized that I knew a bunch of these people! Liam was there, along with a couple of other friends! It was so crazy, I was soooo surprised! Maddie had planned a surprise party for both Tex and I (because Tex's birthday is the day before mine) and had invited all of our friends! It was so awesome! And she made me this book and had asked a bunch of my friends and my parents to write in it. It was super cute! She is so sweet! She and I have become best friends over the last few months, and she is just so awesome! It was a crazy weekend last weekend.

Oh! And before I went to dinner (you're getting the events backwards, but I'm sure you'll figure it all out in the end!), I went to lunch with one of my oldest friends. she told me she had gotten me a present and to close my eyes so she could give it to me. We were standing outside her bedroom and she opened the door to her bedroom and told me to open my eyes. I did, and there stood a life size cardboard cut out of David Tennant as The Doctor on Doctor Who!!!!!! I was speechless and could not move! It was crazy! He now resides in my room, and scares me to death every once in a while when I forget he's there. It's kind of scary to walk in and a tall looming figure is in your room. And then you realize he's flat and then you remember he's the Doctor and it would never be a bad thing to run into him. So yeah, that was my birthday pre-weekend. It was a lot of fun!!! 

This is the story of a boy

Once upon a time, and several years ago, I was a young freshman at Utah State University. It was my first adventure out on my own. I met many new people and gained great new friends. I took a Chemistry class at 7AM that I hardly went to, though if I knew then what I knew now, I would have probably gone every time and made sure I looked super cute too. You see, there was a boy in that class. Let's call him Logan (because that's where I met him. In the city of Logan. seems fitting), any way, Logan was in my Chemistry class. He's tall, taller than me. He used to play basketball I think (or I'm making that up because it would totally fit). I first thought he was stuck up because he didn't really talk to a lot of people, however, I learned that he is actually just a really quiet guy. He has blonde hair and really nice eyes, though I don't remember what color they are. He would talk to me every once in a while, just say hi ask how I was and stuff like that. And then, after that class I moved back home. I visited Logan quite a bit though because I still had friends and family up there. Every once in a while I'd still run in to Logan and he would always stop and say hi. It kind of made me happy because he's a really attractive guy.
    Now, let's fast forward nearly ten years. I hadn't seen or talked to Logan in probably 8 or so years. I think he went on a mission (again, I could be making that up because I just don't really know) and then I went on my mission (which I am positive happened. I was there for that one) and then I stayed in the greatness of Happy Valley and finally went back to school and worked on a career path that I am still working on today. So, around Halloween time I was at FHE. I saw this guy across the gym that I could have sworn looked exactly like Logan. But what would he be doing here? So, naturally, I pulled up Facebook on my phone and stalked Logan's profile to see if it was really him. I was fairly certain it was, but I didn't really think he'd remember me. I went to the side of the gym he was on and was standing there with some friends when he stops talking to the posse of girls around him and says, "hey Soozee! How are you doing?" ...........um........hi? I almost died. But I kept it together and talked to him. for like a second and then my words were gone. I thought he'd gotten married, but after a little bit of facebook stalking, I realized that I had just assumed he'd gotten married, and here he was in the other singles ward that meets in the same building as me. what are the odds? Seriously.
      K, so I didn't see him for a couple more months and at the combined ward Christmas party I finally got the guts to go talk to him. We talked for a while and just caught up on what we'd been up to since our Freshman year of college (he got a Bachelors and Masters degree from USU) and then that was it. In between each encounter I was going to post something but then figured it would all amount to nothing and would be a waste of everyone's time.
      So now I'm sure you're wondering what has come over me that I am posting all of this now? Well, now it's a longer story and I feel it is more worth your time. Also, because there is one last update to this story. I was sick last weekend, but when Monday came around I still had to go to work and all that. By Monday I was feeling a lot better and decided to go to FHE since I am the new co-chair and everything. I didn't even know what the activity was, but I went any way. It was dodgeball. I am horrible at dodgeball when I'm not sick. So, I kind of watched from the sidelines. And then I saw Logan, so I went and said hi, talked to him for a minute and then he joined in the next game to play.
     I was standing off to the side by a wall, but still in the gym where the game was going on. I was just watching away when I got smacked in the face with a dodgeball. I looked up to see who had hit me, and there stood Logan half way across the gym looking mortified. I started laughing. He mouthed an apology across the gym and the game continued and I didn't think much more of it. At the end of the game when everyone was done playing about 20 minutes later, Logan came up to me and kept apologizing. It was really pretty funny. And this now leads me to my last point, and the real reason this post exists. After FHE, I was talking to Tango and we were talking about plans for my birthday next week. I didn't have any set plans, but I kind of wanted to invite Logan. I am sure my chances are slim to none, but he is such a cool guy that would it really kill me to at least invite him? SO, I did it. I invited him to come have cake and ice cream next week with me and my friends for my birthday. I haven't heard back from him, so I don't know if he's going to come or not, but at least I invited him. And the worst that could happen is he'll tell me now and I'll move on. Bu I was brave and I invited him to come! I will keep you all posted, but I'm not getting my hopes up.