Christmas is rough sometimes, you know? And I hate being that person that's like "Christmas is hard because..." when in general I power through the season relatively well. The actual holiday itself when my huge family gets together and everyone is talking about their own families and what their kids are up to can be hard sometimes. Two years ago was probably the hardest because I had been graduated from college for a year and had spent the year sending out hundreds of resumes and filling out thousands of applications and had absolutely nothing to show for it.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family that genuinely does care about me. I know they love me, but it's the nature of being single during the holidays. It's bound to happen. And I've learned to accept this and move on.

This year, however, has been hard. Not because I'm still single and alone at Christmas, but just little things that have built up over the past few months and then this week over nothing too serious I just kind of lost it a little bit. I was extremely frustrated over the situation I found myself in. I am behind on Christmas projects and I've got a million worries and frustrations trailing behind me. And Heaven hasn't been quite as vocal as I'd like. In short, I have felt alone the entire month and have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I ended up talking to a good friend yesterday about all of this. I told him about the frustrating situation this week and how I had yelled at God over it. He laughed a little and said "I don't know why, but I like the image of you yelling at God," and then he paused and said something that really hit me. He said, "but isn't that what we're supposed to do? Tell God everything. Get it all out and put it in His hands. How can we expect to receive guidance if we don't tell him the problem?"

This Christmas season has been full of good things, as well as stressful things too. This conversation with my friend was exactly what I needed to start letting go of the stress I've been gripping with white knuckles, worried other people would know my worries and judge me, or worse, try to fix them. I am terrible at asking for help. Last week in a moment of doubt and frustration, I typed out a text message for a friend asking for help and then didn't send it because I told myself she was already dealing with so many other things in her life I didn't want to be another burden.

I think too often we worry we will be a burden to others so we keep to ourselves instead of asking for help and allowing others to be that help and guidance that we need. I'm still learning that one. I'm still learning a lot of things. But I am especially grateful for the opportunities I have to learn. To become better. To work harder. I am not a patient person, not really. I have learned to accept that things will not happen on my timetable, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it in my head. Reaching the lovely age of 33 as a single woman as taught me a lot of things. The most important is that I absolutely can not live this life alone. I have to trust in God and my Savior if I want to succeed. And I have seen so much success! I have a book that will be published (eventually)! I have an amazing group of friends, some of whom have literally drop everything to help me. I've got a great family that loves me and cares about me. All of these wonderful blessings have come from praying and listening.

How does this all tie into Christmas? Well, like I said before, I don't want to be one of those people telling you how hard Christmas is, I want to be one of those people to help you see how wonderful Christmas is despite whatever challenges you face. Are you feeling {insert specific struggle here}? Christ understands. He truly does. And this is a time of year to celebrate Him. So when things get really lonely and quiet, pour your heart and soul into learning more about His life. Read the Christmas story. Focus on him. It'll help. I promise. I've faced so many challenges in the months of November and December, it's not even a joke anymore. But you're not alone, not really.  Thanks to a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. Thanks to a Savior who put all of us before himself. A brother who took all of our pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind so that He might succor us. A friend who wants nothing more than to wipe away the tears from our eyes.

Sometimes Knights in Shining Armor are Mountain Climbers in Jeeps

It's been a while, I know. That's my bad. That's all on me. I've been busy. I've also had writer's block. And before you give me a million things I could have done to get over writer's block, I should probably explain that it wasn't a lack of story or desire that blocked me, but realizing I actually had some really serious personal issues to work through before I could wholeheartedly write. That's why I was blocked. And no amount of writing or forcing of anything was going to break through the personal struggles I am still dealing with.

But, this is not why I'm writing today. I've had a lot on my mind the last 24 hours and writing is one of the ways I express my emotions best. A friend of mine is missing. He went to climb a mountain on Wednesday night and hasn't been seen or heard from since. Granted, I haven't talked to him in about two-ish years, but let me tell you why I've been thinking about Derrik the last few days.

Derrik is an amazing person. I met him when I was in college and he was friends with one of my roommates. We lived on the third floor and he would climb up to our balcony to come for a visit. As a reward, we'd give him an otter pop. But that's not why I appreciated Derrik. One Sunday night I was baking, which I did often, and he stopped by to see my roommate who wasn't home. I was listening to a movie in the living room very loudly and the buzzer in the kitchen went off just as he knocked on the door. I opened it in passing and hollered to come in as I walked back to the kitchen to pull out a fresh batch of rolls. He walked in and asked if my roommate was home and when I told him she wasn't and offered him a roll, he sat down at our table and we talked for about an hour. Because that's who Derrik was. He was a friend to everyone and loved talking to people.

After that first encounter, he would often leave notes saying hi or bye if I wasn't around when he came by. It always made my day brighter when he stopped by. And I appreciated the times he did stop by and we chatted for a few minutes. More than once he stopped by on particularly hard days when I just needed a friend. I know that he was the answer to several prayers through a particularly rough few months.

All of this led up to my favorite memory of Derrik, though. I went to a church meeting that I was not looking forward to. It was a huge meeting for thousands of young single adult members of my church. I had seriously considered just skipping it. No one would have known I didn't go. But I felt like I should and the twenty-minute drive there was spent praying that I wouldn't have to go or that I wouldn't have to be alone.

I kept telling myself that if I couldn't easily find parking, I wouldn't stay, but then I found a perfect spot. Then I told myself that if I had to walk in alone, I would just leave, but as I said that a jeep pulled in next to my car and Derrik popped out and asked if he could walk with me. Once in the building, we parted ways and I walked into the auditorium filled as far as I could see with people. And not a single easily accessible seat. I am six feet tall and for whatever reason, I wore 3-inch heels that day. Everywhere I looked I just saw people staring at me like an idiot and I couldn't do it. So I turned around to leave and as I got out to the hallway leading to the outside doors, I ran into Derrik. He smiled at me and told me I was going to come sit with him. I really hoped he didn't see the tears that slipped from my eyes that day. I wasn't crying because for a moment I had never felt more alone. I was crying because once again Derrik had shown up just at the right time and was the exact person I needed.

And so, for all of these reasons and so many more, my heart breaks tonight for his family and his friends. This will be the third night in freezing cold weather completely alone and I wish with all of my heart that I could be the friend he needs right now. That I could be the one to help him for once. But all I can do is pray to a loving God to watch over my friend and if Derrik's life has come to an end, I pray that God will bless him for the amazing person he is. I know that my life has been blessed by knowing him and I will always be grateful for the kindness he has always shown me.

Hallmark is Dead to Me.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am a Hallmark junkie. I watch ALL the movies, I watch all the shows. I watch everything on the channel, and I love it. Well...I did love it. Until last night. My guess is that hardly anyone will read this, and mostly I'm watching this for myself because I have never been so frustrated with writing and storytelling in my life...and I'm an ENGLISH MAJOR. Do you know how many crappy manuscripts and screenplays I've read?! And yet, the writers of When Calls the Heart managed to surprise me with some of the most manipulative and horrifying writing I've seen in a long time.

Major spoilers if I don't know you and you do watch When Calls the Heart but for whatever reason are not caught up to last nights episode. I'll just put this warning in big bold letters here:

SPOILERS for: When Calls the Heart, Downton Abbey, The Flash, Doctor Who, DC Legends of Tomorrow, Designated Survivor, Merlin and Jane The Virgin. If you are not current on most of these shows skip down to the big CONCLUSION section:

Jack is dead. Like, so so dead. Six feet in the ground, dead as a doornail, dead. He's not coming back.

This was frustrating to me because I have felt that the last season and a half has been severely lacking in any character development for our favorite mountie. He was gone for most of it which really makes it hard to love a character. And I realize that Daniel Lissing approached the writers and asked to be written out, that's fine. I actually mean it. It's really okay. Because there are ways to write out a character without making your entire fan base angry. Would you like some examples? Great, I've already got them ready for you:

Dan Stevens as Matthew Crawley in Downton Abbey. We all knew he was going before his character died, and I think it helped to prepare a little bit. He died in a car accident the day his son was born. Tragic, yes. Unbearable? No. We knew it was coming and were able to take solace in the fact that he and Mary had a son and that there was an heir for Downton. I still love Dan Stevens and have enjoyed watching his career. I still watched the show after he left. Because they didn't emotionally traumatize me.

Robbie Amell as Ronnie aka Firestorm on The Flash. Dude straight up flew into a giant swirling tornado above a city and never came back. He was not as well beloved as other characters, but his death was tragic because, much like Jack and Elizabeth, he married the girl of his dreams mere hours before he gave his life to save mankind. We watched as he went from being presumed dead, to really alive and then back to dead again. It might not have been as tragic because we began thinking that he was already dead, but it still hurt. Not to the point, I wouldn't watch the show, and three seasons later I'm still an avid fan.

Victor Garber as Martin Stein on DC Legends of Tomorrow. Speaking of Firestorm, Ronnie's other half, Professor Stein, was killed off just this year. He was a beloved character that brought so much to the show. His death was heroic and not entirely expected. Stein had previously announced he was leaving, so we were all expecting it. However, the writers didn't pull the rug out from under us, and we were able to shed tears and say goodbye to the professor without hating the writers or producers of the show. Again, still an avid watcher and fan.

Every actor that has ever appeared on Doctor Who. This show has a way of pulling you in, making you love a character and then ugly crying when they leave. I'll never forget Billie Piper's departure from the show. It was the first time I full on ugly cried over a fictional character. And they didn't even kill her off! They just put her in her own universe without the man she'd grown to love more deeply than anyone ever could love another person. Russell T. Davies was not afraid to kill characters off, and he did it in a way you cried and thanked him for the journey. THAT is good writing. That is how you properly kill a character off.

Natasha McElhorne as Alex Kirkman on Designated Survivor. She was the First Lady, and she got hit on her way home with her motorcade. I'm still not entirely sure how this storyline ultimately plays out, but that was insane, heartbreaking and also compelling. They killed off a main character without completely upsetting the fan base. Most of us are still reeling from it because the characters on the show are still dealing with it. Beautifully written scripts with amazing storytelling. Definitely still a fan of this one and I really liked Alex. Definitely still watching.

Bradley James as King Arthur on Merlin. This one was so hard to watch. He was King Arthur. He was supposed to live happily ever after with Guinevere. This death was devastating. It was the series finale, but it was so beautifully written that had there been another season, I would have watched every minute of it. And still, even with the devastating loss, I'm still a fan of the show.

Brett Dier as Michael Cordero Jr. on Jane the Virgin. He was such a driving force for the show. He was such a fan favorite and yet, they totally killed him off. He was young, married the main girl, they were talking about having another kid and his heart literally just stopped. It was tragic, I shed a few tears, but I didn't hate the show because the writers knew what they were doing.





CONCLUSION:

Now, I feel like I've given plenty of examples from several genres and all had the same result. I didn't hate the show after. But, with When Calls the Heart I honestly don't know that I want to keep watching, and this is why: I watch Hallmark for an escape from the harsh realities of the world.

I do not watch Hallmark to feel sad or anxious or worried. When you think hallmark you generally think of happy storylines that always seem to work out. And up until this season of the show, that was true. It has absolutely nothing to do with Daniel Lissing leaving the show. It has everything to do with how the writers chose to write him out.

Jack Thornton had to die. There really was no other way around it, and that's fine as evidence above. You CAN write out main characters without killing your fan base. I'm angry with the how. Jack spends a year in the Northern Territory, comes home and marries Elizabeth, we're all good, and then he gets sent off to train mounties. The issue I have is that he assured Elizabeth that he would be fine when the writers, the cast, and everyone except for the viewers knew that Daniel Lissing would not be returning. And then they intentionally lulled into a false sense of security because we all believed that he'd be okay because this is Hallmark. Had he died in the Northern Territories, we would have been okay for the most part. Had he died taking bad guys into Cape Fullerton, we would have been okay because he was a Mountie and his job is dangerous. BUT, to kill him off in a landslide while training recruits was a slap in the face to all who have come to regard Hallmark as a kind and uplifting brand that always has things work out even when people die. This was pulling the rug out from underneath us and then ripping our hearts out and throwing them in a running blender. I have never been this frustrated with writing and storytelling on a show in my life. And I survived the end of Chuck.

I am definitely still a fan of Daniel Lissing who has become one of my favorite actors and I hope he does a lot of amazing things with his career. I do not fault him for leaving and I do not fault the rest of the cast for the terrible choices the production team and writers came up with. If this is the direction that Hallmark is going, I don't think my loyalty will hold out much longer. I would like to say that I'll be back for Season 6, but it's not likely. I can't trust the makers of When Calls the Heart to not kill off another beloved character in a truly horrific manner.

Home

Have you ever gone somewhere and it just felt like the most wonderful place in the world? I'm not talking about Disneyland, but I am talking about a few places I've lived before. Utah Valley has been my home most of my life, and I can't complain. There is beauty and a sense of safety next to my tall mountains, especially at this time of year. Last weekend, however, I left it all behind for a day and ventured to someplace else that is also dear to my heart.

People that have met me in the last few years may know that I am an Aggies fan through and through which sometimes seems a bit odd. I spent my freshman year of college there, and given how long it took me to graduate college, that was barely a drop in the bucket. Not to mention my GPA upon leaving USU was not the best. BUT, there was something about that year that dwarfs the rest of my college experience. Perhaps it was because it was my first time living on my own. Or perhaps because it was the first time I felt like no one was judging me or comparing me to who I was growing up.
Regardless of what it was, this place is home to me. One school year, not even a complete calendar year, that has altered the course of my life for the better.

The friends I made there changed the way I looked at myself. Shortly after I moved back, one of my best friends from high school mentioned that I was a lot more confident. I beamed because confidence is something I have always struggled with. I made friends that knew and appreciated me for me. They liked who I was, which made me want to be myself. They are the friends that I still talk to today, the friends that I value and treasure most in this life. I honestly don't know where I would be without them. The friends I have made since then all know that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do if any of my Logan friends needed help. I

And so, I walked that campus and drove around that city-my city-with newer friends that had only heard about my love for that place. I probably drove them crazy with stories and experiences around almost every corner. From the tabernacle to Old Main, I had a story for every place we drove by and walked in to. I still dream about that place and how much I really would love to return to live there. Sometimes a place just sticks with you. There has only ever been one other place to just stick with me, it's on the east coast, and one day I'll get there too. Because there's nothing better than feeling that wonderful

acceptance. Often, people don't understand why a place of such magnitude that seems so ordinary could hold so much meaning, but it's not about the place, usually. It's about the memories. Even if things change, as they always do. Even if the people that made that place what it is to you aren't there, it will still have an impact, it will still be Home.







Last weekend, I went home.

Invisible

I am not a quiet person. I mean, I can be, I totally can be, but in general I have no issue talking in front of groups of people, I can let my opinion be known. I do not hide easily among people mostly because I am not small. I am 6'0" tall, and have the build of a football player, and for a woman, that is not common. People generally notice when I walk into a room and therefore I am used to the stares as people internally wonder exactly how tall I am. Or if I, maybe, eat small children for breakfast (which I do not, btw). So, I am not quiet, but for a not quiet person I certainly do seem to be invisible to a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I am loved and I have a great family. There are plenty of people that care a great deal for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to happen to me, I would have an amazing support system already in place....at least I think I would? I'm not willing to test this theory, so we'll just go with it. But beyond my relatively small group of friends and family, I feel like the world, in general, does not see me. This is proven by the year of applying for hundreds of jobs with a completely stellar resume (three or four of them, actually) and only getting 2 interviews. One of which was because my brother got me the interview. When I got hired at my current job one of the management staff pulled me aside and asked why I hadn't gotten hired before by anyone because my credentials were amazing and I have great skills and interview well. I told her I had not idea, it was not for a lack of trying.

Any way, I often, especially lately, feel invisible. I have felt invisible to guys for years, especially the guys I have developed feelings for. It really sucks when you fall for someone who barely notices you exist. In some ways, it almost worse than if they just told you they didn't like you and to go away. It's one of those things that is devastating in the long run and, unfortunately, has taught me to keep my distance from people. I actually let few people into my life. I am close to some, but only a very select few have ever seen me cry, or seen me cry when I really had no reason why I was.

This post is getting a little too close for my liking, but I really felt like I needed to share. I don't know, maybe someone reading this also feels invisible, but doesn't know quite what to do about it. Being invisible has it's perks. There was once I just stopped texting my friends first, like, I decided I would not initiate a conversation just to see how long it took some people to notice. This was good for two reasons, 1. It helped me see who among my friends wanted me around. And 2, it helped me not be as clingy or as needy. I can be a needy person, or I feel like I can be. I initiate friendships too often and give of myself too freely at times. It's hard because I tend to be a giving person. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that can be a problem sometimes when you are invisible to people 90 percent of the time. I have a really bad habit of collecting people that just want things from me. I'm an amazing baker and a really good cook, so I have had friends want to hang out with me because of that. I am very giving of my time and energy and have had friends only hang out with me for that. Yet, when I struggle and when I actually need someone, I often find myself completely alone. Pert of it is that I don't really know how to reach out to people. There are times when I need help and I need a friend, but don't want to inconvenience anyone, especially if I feel like my feelings are irrational. I had a friend tell me yesterday that my irrational feelings were still valid feelings and that it was okay to feel them. We need this kind of friend in our lives because it really doesn't matter if we're crying over the end of a TV show, or if we're crying over someone completely ignoring our existence whether on purpose or not. All of those feelings came from somewhere. All of that emotion is valid.

Which brings me back to feeling invisible. I promise you, you're not invisible. Not to the people that really matter. And trust me, sometimes you feel like no one truly sees you and it sucks and it's hard. I get it. I have been there so many times I don't even try to keep track. But you're so strong. And you just haven't found the people that will truly see you. They're coming, I promise you that. Hold on to that hope. Hold on for just a little bit longer. I find myself saying that when things get really hard. Hard things make you stronger, and when things feel uncomprehensibly hard and you really don't want to be stronger, that's when the really awesome things start happening . So, please, just hang on a little bit longer, okay? Because you're amazing. And if you're thinking 'But Sooz, you don't even know me', that may be true, but I have felt invisible a lot and it always gets better. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like, but it does get better, I promise you that.

And to finish up, here's a great music video that fits with the theme of this post!

Time Is Just A Moment And It's Passing By Too Fast

I was going to post on Mother's day, but realized that my last post was on Easter and I don't want this to become a thing where I only post on holidays. And then the moment left and I hadn't written anything here and it just sat for a bit longer.

My brother and his family came over today and I asked two of my nephews if they wanted to make cookies with me. They eagerly said yes and ran to the kitchen to help. I used to dislike cooking with kids because it always seems to take longer and be messier, but lately I really have grown to love it. The three year old, who thinks he is Batman - so that is what I will call him here, wanted to help dump the ingredients into the bowl and smell the cookie dough as it mixed in the mixer. It was adorable, and his nine year old brother was the same. They were eager to help and really wanted to taste the dough at each stage, which I did not permit because cookie dough doesn't taste good until it's done.

After I put a batch of cookies in the oven Batman wanted to watch them cook, so I went to help him down from the stool he was sitting on and he defiantly said "No! I can just jump off because I'm Batman!" and then proceeded to jump off the stool and run over to the oven to watch the cookie dough "melt".

It is these small little moments that remind me why I love being an aunt so much. It's the messes in the kitchen and the jumping and playing that makes each moment with them so precious. Before long they'll be all grown up and won't want to bake cookies with me anymore. They won't even want to come visit. And I'll wish I had enjoyed those moments more with them when I could. How quickly life passes us by! How quickly those moments slip through our fingers!

Thankfully, Batman is only three and will, hopefully, love making cookies with me for a long long time because he's such a fun kid to have help.

I have been working on a novella lately. It might become a novel, I don't know. I haven't decided yet. There's definitely enough material to make it a novel, but it's a fairy tale, so I kind of wanted to keep it shorter. But it has unlocked so much of LIGHTS background and history. And it's only expanding further and further. It's amazing!! I thought I'd give you a little taste of it, so here you go!

Little background, because this is literally the middle of a chapter that is not at the beginning...Ethne is Cinderella and Keegan is the prince, but Ethne doesn't know he's the prince because he's pretending to be a commoner and is working in a blacksmith shop. He is from a kingdom that can control fire (hence the blacksmith shop) and was the first person Ethne met when she found herself in Solais, which is the kingdom Ian (in LIGHTS) is from. Ethne is training to be a warrior, which she was destined to be because her mother was also a warrior. The warrior's belong to a group called The Order.

One day, two months after her arrival, Ethne was walking by the blacksmith shop when Keegan came outside. He bowed respectfully to her, which Ethne had grown accustom to. It was the common greeting for all those in the Order. She bowed in return and when she stood again she noticed Keegan grinning like a fool.

“Why are you so happy this morning?” She asked.

“I have just received a letter from home.” He told her.

“Oh? And what was in this letter?” She wished he’d just tell her, but he was having too much fun dragging this out.

“There is to be a ball back in my kingdom. The king and queen have just announced it. And I am hoping to attend. They say it’s to be a masquerade. You have not lived until you have seen their ballroom. The entire length of the ceiling is lit by a fire that never goes out.” He explained. Ethne had never been to a ball. She had never even heard of an opportunity to go to one.

“How interesting. What is the occasion?” She tried not to sound too eager as she asked. He chuckled lightly before answering,

“You, of course.” He stated.

“Me? Why would they be having a ball for me?” She was truly perplexed at the thought.

“Because you are of the Order and all those who are new to the order attend a ball in their honor when their training is complete. Your training will be finished soon and a ball must be had.” He explained.

“But why in another kingdom? I’ve never left Solais, why won’t they host it?” She wondered aloud to him.

“Because Solais is just part of this world. The rest of the world wishes to honor its newest warrior. The work you will do here is truly remarkable and we all wish to pay our respect for your efforts on our behalf.” He said. There was a glimmer that shined from the corner of his eyes as he spoke of her strength and effort. She blushed at the compliment.

“I really haven’t done anything yet. I don’t deserve a ball.” She told him.

“On the contrary. You have already given us hope in the future. You deserve more than just a masquerade ball. But this is one small way we can show you how important you are. You must attend.” He insisted.

“If I must.” She replied, but in her heart she wanted to go. Especially if Keegan would be there.

Any way, there you go, a glimpse into my current WIP. I hope to have this draft done by the end of the week, but I've been saying that for weeks, so we shall see!! Let me know what you thought in the comments!!

That by knowing him here, we may know him better there.

Easter. My favorite holiday. I often have a hard time actually expressing why Easter is my favorite holiday. And for many years it wasn't that significant to me. You get a bag full of candy and some nice thoughts about Jesus at church. It was a lesser Christmas to me.

And then one year it wasn't. One year I suddenly didn't care if I got a bag of candy, or if we had an Easter egg hunt in the back yard where all my nieces and nephews could go find them. All at once it actually meant something. It could have been the year and a half I spent as a missionary for my church. It could have been that I was reading my scriptures and happened upon the best Easter scriptures right around that time of year. I don't remember exactly when it happened, I just know now that it did happen.

Over the last year I have been broken in so many ways. My head, my heart, my soul, my strength have all been challenged, bruised and broken. And yet I have lived through it all. I have been strengthened by a force beyond my own. I have been lifted and healed by the grace of God. I have found solace in the words of the prophets. I have lived through it and come out stronger than I went in. And it has just solidified my love for my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

A few years ago my church posted a video gearing up for Easter, and it still brings me to tears. I thought I'd share it.

The video shared nothing that I didn't already know, but it reminded me of how important this holiday really is. There is so much that we have in this life and to look forward to beyond it all because of Jesus Christ. His love for us is so incredibly strong. He has conquered the world so that we might become all that we can be. He has given us the opportunity to succeed. He loves us that much. And I love him with all my heart in return.

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia series at the beginning of the year. It is my favorite young adult series. It has always been a part of my life. I hadn't read the entire series in a very long time, so it was fun to experience them again. I love the simplicity and the symbolism that is intertwined throughout the series. And I love Aslan, the Great Lion. It is no secret that CS Lewis was Christian and used symbolism in a lot of his work. But I love the stories he tells and the worlds he created. And most importantly, I love the feeling I get when I read his books. I was reading The Last Battle and was crying because the series was ending, but also because I was reading the most beautiful words I had ever read. It was a final thought about the Pevensie children, and those great souls that had found their way back to Narnia, and back to Alsan. The quote is:

"Now at last they were beginning chapter one of the great story which no one on Earth has read. Which goes on forever in which every chapter is better than the one before."

And it just left the most wonderful thought and feeling in my heart. To me, that is what Jesus offers us. He offers us peace that can continue on and on forever in which every moment, every hour is better than the one before. 

Another favorite quote is from Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Lucy Pevensie realizes that she will not be returning to Narnia again and pleads with Aslan to visit them here in our world to which he responds,

"But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia. That by knowing me here a little, you may know me better there."

And I feel like that is one of those very symbolic thoughts that CS Lewis added for a wonderful moment in the story between Aslan and Lucy, but also for us as we look to our Savior. Our time in this world is so short when you consider the vastness of eternity. Are we taking the time we have here to better know our Savior? So that when we see him again, we will recognize his face and run to him as he has run to us countless times. That by knowing him a little here, we may know him better there. 

I don't know if this at all explains my love of Easter, but I am so grateful for this time of year. As spring begins and the world wakes up around us. Flowers bloom and the trees turn green. That moment of renewal as we also take a few minutes to remember our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his sacrifice for each of us. Because of him, we don't ever have to feel alone or like no one could truly understand. He has given us so much, he has given us everything. And because of all that he does for me, and all the love that he has shown me, I will praise his name forever. I will welcome the peace he brings into my life. We are all so incredibly blessed to have such an ally and friend on our side, cheering us on. 

May we all focus on this beautiful day, and may we all come to know our Savior a little better. This time of year is for renewal, I hope you will all take a minute to renew your dedication to following Jesus Christ. Following his teachings and his words. I think the world would be a better and kinder place if we could follow him.

The Family Pew

They built a church building down the street from my childhood home the year I was born. From the day of it's dedication on we sat on the second to last back pew on the west side of the chapel. The Carmichael family has ALWAYS sat there, with the exception of the 2 1/2 year stint where we moved to Washington state for a bit just to mix things up. There, we sat on the opposite side of the chapel, as most chapels in my church are designed the same.

A few months ago, my parents were asked to help with a different congregation a few miles away, so I attended alone. For the first time in a very long time, I attended all of my church meetings alone. And I felt the responsibility to sit on the family pew. Never mind it is a rather long pew for just one person to sit on, but I still felt it my duty to sit there and share it if anyone needed a place to sit through services.

A few times, I did not get there early enough and someone else did not know, apparently, that THAT was MY PEW. I honestly felt a little betrayed. How could they NOT know that we have always, ALWAYS sat there! As long as this church building has been standing! So, I was determined to get there earlier.  And I did. And I sat on the family pew. Several people even commented on my dedication to sitting there without my family and I'd tell them, "32 years we've sat on this pew, and we'll sit here at least 32 more." I believed my own words at the time.

Because, you see, I am leaving that congregation. I'm moving to a new one a little further away. One that probably has that pew on the west side, second from the back, but I don't know if it will be the same. In fact, I know that it won't be. Change is in the air, you see, and whether I like it or not, nothing will ever be the same again.

I've had so many changes come this year, and it's been great, but it's also been hard. Sometimes I like knowing that at least one thing isn't going to change, even if that one thing is where I sit for church on Sunday. But we don't always get what we want. And it's time to let go and see where the wind takes me.

I've already seen so many amazing things happen in my life in the last 3 months, and I know there's still more to come. I'm excited and nervous and anxious, but mostly, I'm hopeful. Because sometimes change is a good thing. So, I said goodbye to my pew and am choosing to look forward to something new. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Good things are on the way, my friends. Good things are on the way.

The Lesson of Pain

It all started last Wednesday when I got to work and realized I was feeling a bit off. My shoulders were a little achy, I had a bit of a headache and that general feeling of my good health slipping through my fingers. I knew I was coming down with something, but I still felt great and went about my day, pretending that I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. In fact, I felt perfectly fine until that night when I found myself laying on the floor watching TV shivering, and not from laying on the actually warm carpet. I got up, warmed up my corn bag, put it in the foot of my bed, and got ready for sleep. Three hours earlier than usual. But if sickness was coming, I was going to meet it head on and nip it in the bud. I don't have time for sickness and needed to minimize it as much as possible.
I ended up with three more blankets ony bed and shivering through the night. I could barely move when I woke up. I had that lovely stomach bug that had been going around. It only lasts a day, but it, what a day it is. And for the first time in, like, five years, I called in sick.
My coworker told me the next day that he knew I must have been practically dead to call in, it happens so rarely. So, I lounged about that day, mostly tried to recoup and think well thoughts. And I thought I had kicked it! Great! I went back to work on Friday and worked most of the day.
By the end, hiwever, I was exhausted and just felt fatigued and left a little early. I had dinner with my family and was determined to rest up the renainder of the evening so I could do all the things I needed to that weekend. Oh, how God laughs when we make plans.
I woke up feeling nauseated around 2 AM, and knew that something wasn't right. I spent a majority of that night on the floor of my tiny bathroom. My head was pounding and I could barely move. It must be that stomach bug, back for round 2.
My mom came to check on me, thinking it was just the flu, but I watched concern creep into her eyes as I sat, huddled on the edge of the bathtub peeking through my fingers because my head hurt so much.  She offered me some Coke, thinking that if my stomach would calm, the headache would go away and we could get me rehydrated. It took her almost an hour to coax me out of the bathroom and onto the couch were I was instructed to sip both the Coke and a Gatorade in regular intervals. But I couldn't sip them. As soon as I did, they would come right back. I couldn't keep anything  down, but was finally able to sleep, curled in a ball, for about four hours, which felt heavenly, until I woke up to the same excruciating pain I'd left before I slept. It wouldn't go away and I crawled my way back to my room, feeling  rather sloth like. I couldn't stand because if I did, I'd lose my balance. So, slow crawling it was.
I couldn't watch any shows on my computer because the screen hurt my eyes. I hated the light being on, but I hated the feeling of loneliness even more in the cold dark basement.
So the light stayed on and my mom kept me company on the room next to mine. She worked on sewing projects and I would try to make her laugh. Because I like it when my mom is happy. But everytime she'd come by my door and see me lying there hurting so much, the worry would come back and she'd check her watch to see if I could take morepain killers or not.
Sunday came much like Saturday, with me on the side of the bathtub cradling my eyes because my head still hurt so much. I remember at some point during the night pleading with God to take the pain away. Or at the very least help me understand it. I am used to His answers and the need to wait for them, but I thought surely this time He would make an exception and I'd have an answer. It peace. Something. ANYTHING. But, my answer didn't come that night, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm still waiting for it. Those answers, the quiet pleadings of our hearts, you know the ones, that are every bit of our souls and every scrap of faith we've got left. We throw it all into that prayer of pleading and then sit. Hoping for an answer. For my part, there were more than a number of tears shed, and not just from the pain, though there were plenty to of those too.
There were the silent prayers I did not hear that I know where said on my behalf. The pleading for understanding and how to help this poor soul crying on her cold, dark bathroom floor. They don't go unanswered, you know. Not a tear is shed that isn't accounted for. But what would we learn if at the first sign of pain our loving white Knight came swooping  in? How helpful would that really be for us? It would be nice, but we wouldn't learn.
And so, Sunday morning came and I had now gone three days without keeping any food or liquid down. I had counted those sixteen floor tiles over and over and over again from every angle. I knew each detail in the bathtub non slip decals. I was in the routine of walking in, placing my glasses on the edge of the sink so they wouldn't get dirty. I had become a pro at washing my hands from my knees so I wouldn't get nauseous again. And I even found a semi comfortable spot on the door to lay my head when I just couldn't move any further.
Have you ever watched a parent's heart break for their child? I'm pretty sure I did. My mom, who was fighting a cold herself, would check on me throughout the day. She came home from church and without even taking off her coat came down to check on me. And the worry deepend. She was anxious for me to make any small improvements, buy I didn't. I stayed consistently the same, if not a little worse.
The excruciating pain that I tried to minimalize and pretend to sleep through was not fooling anyone. There was no sleeping through it. There were boughts of exhaustion filled with the craziest dreams I've EVER had, which is saying something. And more of the same. That afternoon, I prayed another pleading prayer up to God begging for anything. ANYTHING that I could do or say that would take this pain away. And again, the heavens fell silent.
That night was darker than the others. I didn't see myself getting  better. Normally there's some change, but not with this. I saw no hope. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'Really, Suz, that was what, like, two days?! Come on. Surely it couldn't have been THAT bad', and you're right, it wasn't a long duration to this point, but I had a sickness that was not going away and I was at a  loss what to do.
My mom came to me at about 5 in the morning asking for my insurance information so she could find a doctor that would see me that morning. She was not going  another day through this and I guided her to what she wanted and collapsed back onto my bed. By 9 she had the day off of work and an appointment for me at 11. I hadn't washed my hair in about 4 days at this point, maybe 5. My glasses were filthy and I literally grabbed whatever clothes were closest to me. It ended up being an old t-shirt and jeans with holes ripped in them. I could not have looked more homeless if I tried. But I just didn't care, the pain was the only thing on my mind.
We went back to the exam room and I sat there, head in my hands because it was so bright and my head hurt so much. The doctor came in and kind of looked over the scene. I'm sure he was wondering if I was completely there mentally. But after a few questions I could see the wheels start to turn in his head and he was trying to figure out the strange puzzle before him.
It was not the stomach bug I thought wouldn't leave me alone, but a really awesome migraine that wasn't letting go. I left with a prescription that would hopefully get me on my way to recovery.
This is where the lesson comes in. Pain sucks. It does. There's no way around it. There's nothing inherently good about it. But isn't it funny the things we learn through it? Some of the happiest people I've ever met have been through the most excruciating experiences. This experience was very small for me, really. But it made me stop and take a look at my life. Do I only pray when I need help? Do I pray only to be heard? My prayer wasn't answered your I wanted it to, but it was answered. I did find our what was happening to me, and even how to get rid of it.
This could be the start of a bigger lesson for me, though never know, but I am grateful that I know that my suffering is never in vain or without purpose. I am often reminded of my favorite scripture in Alma 7:11-13
"11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."
Jesus Christ suffered for ALL of us, for EVERYTHING we'd experience. The good, bad, and ugly. And he did that so he could succor, or run to the aid of, us. How wonderful is that?! Someone that loves you, personally, that much. He is right there with us. Always. And forever

I need light in the dark as I search for THE RESOLUTION....

As the new year has started, I purposely did not make any resolutions to do better. I didn't make any promises to myself that I would some how dramatically change now that a new year has started. But as the new year has begun rolling out, I can't help but feel a sense of urgency about a few things. I can be a bit of a slacker when it comes to things like writing on my journal, ironic, I know. But, I felt like I really ought to be keeping up with things of that nature. I have an incredible story to tell. Dull at times, yes, but also very exciting. This leads me to tell you all about one of the exciting adventures I'm starting this year! But first, a music video from Jack's Mannequin that is the title of this post:

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a classmate and asked if I'd be interested in writing a screenplay for someone. I said "absolutely!" and she sent the contact information to me. I emailed this guy who is needing a script ASAP and he responded and we started talking about the project. 

Guys. This is what I've been wanting to do with my life. Writing! Real things that will be made into real movies!! How fantastic is that?! It's very exciting, but currently I'm waiting. Always waiting.

In other news, have you guys heard of a bullet journal? I'm intrigued by the concept and have thought about starting one. I have a hard enough time coming up with things to blog about....well, to find time to blog about. I come up with topics every day and most of them get filed away in the back of my mind and at first they hope that I'll pull the file out again later, but it really hasn't happened yet...one day, perhaps. But the joy of bullet journaling is that it is meant to be a quick thing that reminds you of your life, and who doesn't need that. We may not want to remember things, but we need to. They help us to remember the struggles in life. The wait before something great happens in your life. It's excruciating, but it's necessary. And I want to do better at remembering it!

I am also starting another project. Another! I was baking for the holidays, enjoying the very busy week I had had. Writing, job interviews and the like, and in the middle of Cinderella, you know, the one that came out in 2015 with Lilly James, so I'm in the middle when the princes comes running to save her in the forest and he doesn't tell her who she is and this whole fairy tale unfolded in my mind. But it wasn't the classic one I grew up with. There wasn't actual magic or a fairy godmother, per se. There was the basic details of Cinderella with a twist. It took place in Solais and is a story Ian grew up with. Then, my mind just started going at a million miles an hour with a whole series of fairy tales with a Solais twist. It's actually helping me expand the universe I started to create when I started writing LIGHTS. This is giving the whole world more depth and character. Cinderella will take place in both Solais and a neighboring kingdom that controls fire in the same manner that Solais controls light. Cool, no? It is. It is cool. And there's a masquerade and Cinderella can't stand the prince at first and he can't stand her and they fall for each other without realizing who the other is. It's brilliant. There's also ballet involved and just a wonderful wonderful story that I can not wait to tell you about!!

And then, while I was binge watching some Hallmark movies, because I am sha
melessly addicted to them, I was watching one and this guy keeps popping up in them and I found him intriguing and so I went to find all of the hallmark movies he's in. Because I have, like, all of them. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. And I watched, like, four hallmark movies that he's in. I'm pretty sure that I want him to be a prince in one of my stories. Because everything I write, I write as if it were going to be made into a movie. Often when I describe a character, I am describing an actual person that I would like to portray that character at some point. And I would LOVE to have both Andrew Walker (the guy from all the hallmark movies) and Blake Lively in one of my fairy tales. And Anna Kendrick. I could go on and on. But I'll leave you with this very rough beginning to Cinderella:

There are always things that must be. The sun setting in the west. Hour follows hour and each day leads to the next. And just as there are things that must be, there are people that are destined to follow paths they never thought they could.

Once, a long time ago, there was a beautiful girl named Ethne. She had followed her dreams as far as she could and had achieved her greatest goal of starring in a real ballet company production. She was set to play the lead role in the New York City Ballet company's production of Firebird. She would be the firebird! She could not believe her luck! She practiced every day, all day. She gave her heart and soul for the opportunity and just days before opening night she found a ring box tucked away in a box filled with her mother's things. Her mother, sadly, had died when she was a girl. It had been years since she had even looked at the box, let alone opened it up. The hinges creaked as she gently lifted the lid to reveal a rather unusual ring. It had a celtic eternity knot around the band that entwined at the top holding a fiercely red ruby at the pinnacle of the ring. Ethne felt a pull coming from the ring and took it out of it's box and slid it gently on to her right index finger. It fit perfectly. As soon as the ring was in place, though, Ethne noticed things around her start to change. The setting sun through the window seemed to be brighter, and it almost looked like the sun was on fire, but that would be ridiculous. The sun couldn't be on fire. At least, not this close to where Ethne was. Or could it? Ethne glanced around the room, frantic for an explanation, but there wasn't one. Her lamp on the bedside table seemed to also grow in brightness until the room was consumed in a brightness that caused Ethne to cover her eyes.

She noticed the smell of the earth first, then as the brightness faded, she heard the sound of a bird singing as it flew overhead. It was a sound unlike any bird she had heard before. And there was a musical tone to the trees. Ethne opened her eyes and found herself no longer in her room, but in a very unusual forest. She gasped as she took in the view around her. The trees were taller and wider than any tree she'd ever seen. Not even the Redwoods she'd seen last summer could compare. And the silver veins that ran through the trunks was breathtaking and beautiful. A breeze danced around her and she noticed the tinkling sound of silver. She looked up into the branches of the trees and noticed that even the veins of the green leaves were silver.

Where have I gone to? She thought to herself, and before she could answer herself she heard someone running through the trees and then rush to a stop. A young man stood before her. His silverish gray eyes caught her attention first. Then his sandy blonde hair with the smallest hint of scruff on his face. He looked at her in amazement and she couldn't help but feel her expression must be similar to his.

Like I said, ROUGH rough draft. But, It's a start. So, there's still some other exciting stuff happening, but I can't tell you about it just yet. So, in the mean time, listen to this song. It aptly sums up how I feel about life right now. It's called So Close and it's from Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness and he wrote it last year when he felt like all of these amazing things were just around the corner.

He said it's that moment when you feel like everything is either going to work out or fall apart and you're so close to amazing things happening. That's how I feel. I'm so close to either finally moving forward with my life or having everything fall apart. And either way, it's going to be an amazing journey. I can't wait. I'm so excited for everything that's going on in my life right now. Even if I am just kind of waiting to see what pans out. It's finding joy in the journey, you know? So close. 

#LIGHTtheWORLD

I survived November! I know you have all been wondering if I did or not, especially since I haven't posted in a long time. It's been busy. Like, game changer busy. And, come the new year, I will tell you all. Until then, I'm keeping things under wraps.

I have been meaning to post more about the #LIGHTtheWORLD campaign and this month has kind of slipped by, but I can't skip today. If you haven't heard about this campaign, it's from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and its to spend the entire month focusing on different attributes of Jesus Christ. Here's a video:

And today's attribute is: Jesus honored the Sabbath, and so can I.

I'll be honest, I haven't always really worried about keeping the Sabbath day holy. Not that I was out doing crazy things, but I didn't really care if I watched TV shows on Sunday, or if I slept after church. There was a time that I was really lazy about even going to church. It was my first time living away from home and no one was expecting me to go, really. So I let things slide a little bit.

But, lately I've been thinking more about the Sabbath day. I spend my Saturday mornings in the Payson, Utah Temple and I have been teaching the six year old class on Sundays. It's been a really wonderful opportunity to think about Jesus Christ and everything He has done for me.

I planned my Christmas lesson for today because next week is Christmas and we will be having a short service at church. So, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out a fun gift to give the kids in my class. It had to be something I could put together quickly because I've been SUPER busy with research and writing and every idea I found didn't fit. I was getting frustrated and stressed and just wanted to give up.

Then, last night, I was cutting out a billion pairs of jeans for a quilt for my brother for Christmas because he is the hardest person to shop for. Ever. And I remembered at Thanksgiving that he really wanted a jean quilt. So, here we are. The week before Christmas and I'm just starting....haha.....It's been a busy couple of weeks. So busy. Any way, While I was getting frustrated trying to figure out how best to cut up all the jeans, my mom asked if I would want to make a small baby Jesus for each of the kids in my class. She helped me out a bunch in making them and they fit in perfectly with my lesson about the birth of Jesus Christ. It was the best final piece to my lesson today.

I have been frustrated and confused most of this year, but one thing I know for sure is that there is an AMAZING Heavenly Father that cares so much about each of us. He wants us to succeed in life. He loves us. I know this, and I hope that you know this too. With Christmas exactly a week away, I hope you will take the time to seek out our Savior. Seek Him and watch how your life starts to shift. It won't be life altering shifts all at once, but little by little. As we let Him in, He will start to change us. He will help us to become the best versions of ourselves.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!! It's one of my favorite times of the year!!

Welcome, November, Make Yourself At Home

Novemeber 2nd, 2016. 5:42PM.

It's November 2016. I am feeling rather positive, however, there is a catch in the back of my mind and in my heart that is telling me that this is only the beginning. This year, frankly, has not been awesome. It has actually been one of the hardest years I've ever experienced. And now, to be in the throes of November. On this second day of the month. I hope, more than I fear, that I will make it through this month. That doesn't mean it will be without it's sneaky little traps. Or that I'll get off scott free, but I hope that whatever November brings in this November of a year, I hope that I can keep my head high and the tears at bay long enough to see that in my darkest moments I am not alone.

Because we really are never alone. And I don't mean to get all weepy or religious on y'all, but I am so grateful I believe in God. That I believe that He knows me and cares about me and actually wants me to suceed in life. Sometimes that means we have to walk through dark, dank November times in our lives. Sometimes we feel completely alone and like no one in this world could ever possibly understand what we're going through. But He does. He knows us. He cares. He wants us to be happy. He really does.

I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. I love Anne Shirley and all of her spirit. I love her life. In Anne of Avonlea, I believe, she is lamenting the fact that Gilbert Blythe is very sick and she has finally realized that she's in love with him and he might die before she gets the chance to tell him and she tells Marilla she's having such a Jonah day and for some reason I really liked that thought. A Jonah day. One thing I also love about those books is that Anne is very positive and she says in the first book, I believe (I've read a lot over the last week) that no matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a brand new day full of hope and promise. So, that is how I am choosing to look at this Novemeber. Some really awful stuff could happen to me. But even if it does, tomorrow will still come full of promise and hope.
Even if my November lives up to the worst that I've had (I really REALLY hope it doesn't), it will come and it will go and I will learn and grow from it and even though it will probably make me cry, it will also make me stronger. Because just like Thomas Wayne says in Batman Begins AND in the comics, "Why do we fall down? To learn to pick ourselves up." In our darkest moments, we have the potential to learn the most and become the strongest. I am strong not because I endured hard things, but because I chose to let those hard things change me for the better.

Also, a happy little note to end on, over the next month I am going to focus on a more Christlike Christmas. Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays, not for the presents and worldly aspects of it, but because I loved focusing on Jesus Christ. So, that is what I want to do over the next two months and I hope that you will join in with me. I will have a few posts focused on that, but I will also have some fun stuff for you. I started NaNoWriMo yesterday and will be writing a novella called Long Black Veil (for now) and it is a ghost story. I've never written a ghost story, so this will be lots of fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it. But until then, keep your chin up! You got this!

A Moment of Reflection

Life sucks. Sometimes. Not all the time. And sometimes November hits you in the face so many times that you're sitting in your room at 1:30 AM looking at the calendar knowing that before you know it, it'll be November 1st and you'll be facing another November. That's me. Right now. Guys, it's almost November.

I'm so sick of social media. If I didn't use social media to promote my own writing, I'd turn it all off and not look at it ever again. Or not until after this election business is over.

Guys, I feel like I have a billion things to say, but every time I try to write them out, I hate the way that I'm saying something and erase the whole thing.

I found out that my favorite Spanish teacher from high school passed away yesterday. It was very sad because he was an amazing teacher. I still remember his class and all that I learned there. Teachers like that don't come around very often. I'm so glad I was able to learn from him. His impact is far reaching. I don't think he could have possibly known how much we all loved him. I hope his family can find comfort in knowing how great he was and how beloved he was of his students.

I wanted to give you guys an excerpt of something I'm working on because I feel like the last few posts have been a bit more me focused and less on my writing, so here you go, an excerpt from the last edit of LIGHTS. It's part of what I gave you last time with a little bit MORE bwa ha ha:

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door stands out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot.

The employees are surprisingly lackluster. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of obsidian jackets to compliment their ivory blouses and button up shirts under charcoal blazers all around until someone catches my eye. He is wearing a button up shirt rolled up to his fore arm. A pearl white shirt with a cobalt pinstripe. Despite his relaxed expression, he still looks precise and sharp. Even his rolled up sleeves seem to be rolled to a precise measurement so as to not be too casual or too business like. He seems brighter than everyone else in the little shop. Or even the city. If that's even possible. Like he almost has a glow to him that no one else does. The pages on his book seem almost vibrant. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. He has an undefined preoccupation with his watch.

He is oblivious to the world, and yet I feel like he is watching more closely than the rest of us. He checks his watch, looks up briefly before returning to his book. How can he read?

I admit, my fascination is probably bordering on creepy, probably. No one else seems to notice him. It's almost like they can't see him. This morning is no exception. No one sees him, no one talks to him, it's like he's not even here. There is nothing threatening about him. Perhaps that is why no one notices. I thought about asking one of the workers if they know anything about him, but they seem even less personable than usual today. A little thought keeps pestering me to go talk to him. After all, I have time today. It's not even eight in the morning.

“Emma!” Bobby's voice booms around me and my cup comes flying across the counter. He doesn't even look as he throws my cup. I've become a coffee catching ninja as I skillfully snatch it without a drop getting on my scrubs. I check my phone again. 7:52. I walk over to the counter with napkins and grab a couple. I turn to leave and nearly run into the guy I can't stop staring at. He waits for me to notice I'm staring and I laugh awkwardly.

“Sorry about that.” I say and slip past him and head for the door. I feel the deep red of a very embarrassing blush crosses my cheeks. He smiles at me as I leave and in that last glance I notice how fiercely green his eyes are.

I walk quickly down the sidewalk when my phone rings. I glance down to see Marques, my coworker, calling me.

“Hey friend, what's up?” I ask him, surprised that he's beat me to work. I'm usually the first one there.

“Emma. Calahan is here to observe you. Where are you?” He asks in response.

“I'm headed in, I just stopped to get some coffee. I won't be late, promise.” I say.

“You're already 25 minutes late.” He states. There's no way that's possible. I left my house less than ten minutes ago. How can I be late at all? I look at my watch as the faceplate on my watch glaringly switches from 9:25 to 9:26.  

And now, I will be editing and writing some things. And watching the newest episode of Designated Survivor because I missed it when it aired because it was Hugh Jackman's birthday today and I was busy. You can check all that out HERE. 

In Which I Watch All The Shows!!

I'm sure you thought I'd dropped off the planet again. But no, I did not. I've just been busy avoiding my feelings and trying to organize my room, which may sound sim

ple, but it's actually similar to decluttering Howl's Moving Castle. I don't know how many of you got that reference, but I love that movie. If only I had a Sophie to come clean everything up for me...

As you have probably realized, it's Autumn. And with Autumn comes new TV shows! Sometimes I watch a new show and wonder what it will be like when I have a TV show of my own premiering. That will be exciting. But, until then, I'll just keep watching all the shows. Like Designated

Survivor. Are you guys watching that one?! If not, you should! It just got picked up for a full season, which it totally deserves! I never watched 24, but if Kiefer Sutherland is half good in that show as he is in the first two episodes of Designated Survivor, I may have to watch it. He is incredible in Designated Survivor. He portrays a very sincere "every man" type while also killing it as a strong leader. Just. Just go watch it.

Also, I started watching This Is Us. The writers really must be applauded for their ability to write such a compelling story that throws you a curve ball that makes you stop and go" wait.... What may happened... " and then you have to wait a week for the next episode. And Milo Ventimiglia is just fantastic on this show. I've been a fan since his days as Jess Mariano on Gilmore Girls. #teamjess But really, it's a compelling story that is very relatable. It also just got picked up for a full season.

And, next week starts my superhero shows starting!! Here's a great video to get you pumped if you already watch them:

I'm so excited for all these shows to start again!

In other news, I have been working on an idea for a short story for Halloween based on the song Long Black Veil by Johnny Cash as covered by Dave Matthews Band. I've never written a first story, so this will be fun! I'm quite excited. I'm going to channel my inner southerner because I'm setting it in a small southern town. I love the rich history of the south. I've really been missing North Carolina lately. I'm homesick for it!

Any way, I will keep you all posted as it progresses!

Connections

Firstly, a HUGE thank you to everyone who read Unrequited. It is, hands down, my most read post and I'm really grateful for everyone that helped me achieve that. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. It's on this blog, not one of my others that I write, but yeah. Go read it. I poured my soul into that piece and then it go rejected. #ironic.

I am a huge nerd. And I am proud of that fact. I read a lot of comic books. This is a well known fact. My last car was named Grayson after Dick Grayson AKA Robin AKA Nightwing. I LOVE all things comic books. And I live an hour away from Salt Lake City who has the 3rd largest comic con in the country. Go us! And I have been a to many of them. I have met lots of people and I've had really great adventures with my friends.

I wasn't going to go this time because money is tight and I really can't be spending a ton of money on non essential things. But, Chiquita convinced me to come and even gave me a pass. Which was awesome. So, I went. And thanks to some really generous friends I was even able to get a couple more signatures in my Arrow graphic novel. Which was fantastic. And so much fun. AND, I was able to get some ideas for my StarStruck Baking blog, which will be coming up in the next little bit.

It was really a lot of fun, but one of the highlights for me was the train ride home. The train was pretty full because there were LOTS of people at comic con, but there was an older gentleman sitting alone with a few empty seats by him. So, I kindly asked if I could sit by him and he replied that he would love some company. As I sat down, in the midst of hundreds of people, he started asking me about myself. I hate small talk because I'm really not good at it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really am not good at small talk. It's awkward for me, but this nice gentleman just kept asking questions and then I would ask him in return and he'd start telling me about his life.

I didn't ever catch his name. He might have told me, but it was too loud to hear him. But it really doesn't matter because in that moment it was like there were no other people on the train and he just wanted to tell me about his life. He reminded me a lot of my grandfather, probably because they both served in World War II. But it was still great to hear him tell me about how he ended up in Utah of all places and about all the places he'd been to and the things he's seen. I got to just sit and talk to someone and hear about their life. And just as quickly as it started, it ended. His stop came up and he said goodbye and hopped off the train.

Everyone has a story to tell. EVERYONE. Even you, person I may not know reading this. You may not know me (though, if you've read much of this blog you have a good idea), and I may never meet you, but in this moment, right now, we are sharing a moment. This experience right here is something that we don't always get with people. The sun rises and sets and how often do we actually see who's lives we touch? We are all connected.

And speaking of connected, I saw this video on Facebook the other day and it really got me thinking. I can't find the link, so if anyone can find it, put it in the comments. Any way, the premise of this video is that these researchers got a group of people from all over the world together and asked them about where they're from. The people talked about how they'd lived in the same country for generations and they were really proud of their heritage. The researchers then asked if they would be willing to go on a journey based on their DNA. Many of the people were skeptical, but agreed.

It was interesting to see the people's reactions when they discovered that none of them were 100% anything. But that their DNA showed how many different countries and heritages each person had. It got me thinking about my own ancestry. My Great Grandparents on my Mom's side came to America from Holland. That's two generations. That's so close! My Dad's family is from all over Europe. I even have some ancestors from Africa. I love learning more about where I come from. I want to go visit Ireland, Scotland, England, Denmark and Holland. I want to walk the streets that my ancestors walked. I want to see what they saw. I want them to be a part of my life. Because without them, I wouldn't be me. Without my great great great Grandma Dablestein I wouldn't know that I have a rich Jewish heritage. Without James and Mary Anne Pace, I wouldn't have a love for my hometown, which they settled in the early 1800s. Without Eric Anderson Svard (with whom I share a birthday) I wouldn't know about my Swedish ancestors. All of us come from all over the world. And because of this, we are literally all connected. How cool is that?

I am so grateful for my ancestry. For a heritage so full of vibrant stories and history! I love where I've come from and I'm so grateful for all those that sacrificed so much so that I could be me.

Unrequited

If you are new to reading my blog, then you may not know this, but I am the Queen of Unrequited Love. It's super awesome. I came across a posting of places you can submit essays for publication and The New York Times Modern Love blog is always looking for submissions. So, I took a deep breath and wrote my own live story and submitted it. It had to be a true story that was previously unpublished, including on a blog. So, I never said anything here for that purpose. That is until I got a lovely rejection from them this morning, I'm now sharing my super awesome sorry with you.

UNREQUITED
By: Soozee Carmichael

When I was five, I kissed Bobby Anderson on the swing set in his backyard, which was next door to my house. I thought I was going to love him forever. And then I saw the wolf spider on my leg and screamed and ran back home. Bobby didn't talk to me for many years. This should have been an indication of what my love life would be like in the future, but who thinks that when they're five?

At sixteen, I started my first job bagging groceries in our local store. That's how I met Charlie Cook. He was bringing in a load of carts from the parking lot. He pushed the carts into their place and turned and nodded in my general direction. I swooned internally. He was tall, blonde, and very handsome. I fell for him right then. I didn't even know his name, but I knew we were perfect for each other. He walked towards me and I almost fainted. Then, passing me, said hi to Jessica, the girl at the register behind me. I can still feel the embarrassment. The ironic thing is that both Charlie and Jessica became two of my best friends. We were almost inseparable for the year and a half we worked through high school.

Junior year I finally mustered enough courage to ask Charlie to the Sweethearts dance. He lived in the next town over and went to our school's biggest rival. I liked that he didn't go to school with me, because I wanted to show up at the dance with someone no one knew and was a little mysterious. Except, no one actually noticed me or Charlie. We danced and then went home. The night ended with an awkward side hug. I still thought we were perfect for each other. He just wanted to be friends.

I chose to go on a mission for my church. The night before I left home for a year and a half, Charlie stopped by to say goodbye. I remember hugging him so tightly and praying that he'd still be around when I got home. We'd been through so much together and in the back of my mind I still loved him. That was the first time I dreamed about Dean Carmichael. In this dream, I walked along a beach. There was a black and white lighthouse in the distance and I was wearing a simple white dress. I walked up to him and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was a deep, emotion driven kiss. He never told me his name, I just knew that his name was Dean Carmichael and that we were in love. And then, I woke up. It felt so real that it took a minute to realize he wasn't actually here. It wasn't real.

During my mission, I didn't think about Charlie or anything else from back home. My days were filled with service. I heard from many of my friends each week, but not Charlie. I think that was for the best. When I got home, I stopped by his house and although I still loved him, it was different. We'd both changed while I was gone. He'd fallen in love with a mutual friend somewhere along the way. Within a few months, he turned up on my doorstep with an invitation to the wedding.

Wedding season is the worst when you're single. Especially when you think you might still have feelings for the groom. I sat outside Charlie's reception for a while deciding if I was actually going to go in. I decided I'd regret it if I didn't and walked in. Charlie told me this wouldn't change anything. We'd always be friends. But I knew our friendship was over. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after I left. In fact, somehow I knew this was for the best. Charlie was happy, and that's what I wanted for my friend.

It was a long time before I thought I loved someone. Then Jason Lockhart showed up. He walked into church one Sunday full of confidence and charisma. I should have known nothing good would come of this. There he was with his beard and longish hair, looking like a mountain man. He sat by me and we talked for a long time. I invited him to come hang out with me and my friends, and I would often cook because I knew he was coming. I'm an amazing cook and he would always tell me so. The rest of my life was a mess. I hadn't finished school yet and didn't even know what I wanted to do. I liked talking to him because he was a few years older and seemed to be so much smarter than me. When we were with groups of people he was always aware of where I was in the room. He would gently grab my arm as I walked by from time to time and I thought for sure I was in love for real this time.

With the coercion of a friend, I asked Jason out. The date was a mess, and I ended up with a fever before the night ended. He made sure I got home safely and asked if he'd see me the next day. I told him that I had a lot to do and that he probably would. He looked concerned.

“Take it easy. No need to stress yourself out.” He told me.

“I'll be fine. I'm sure this fever will break and I'll see you tomorrow.” I replied.

“I'm going to call if I don't see you, okay?” He asked. I blushed a little, though you probably couldn't tell from the fever and nodded. He gave me a tight hug and then left. That night, while reveling in the short lived joy of the evening before I started getting sick, I fell asleep and dreamed of Dean Carmichael again. This time I was visiting the grocery store I had once worked in. I held Dean's hand and an old coworker approached me. He asked how I'd been and kept looking at Dean like he couldn't believe we were together. I just smiled and Dean put his arm around me. The love I felt for Dean was beyond anything I'd ever felt for Jason. I woke up again almost looking for Dean in my small twin bed.

The next morning I felt like death. I didn't leave my bed. Jason called, as promised. Our conversation lasted thirty-two seconds. His tone was different. I knew then that everything had changed. I don't know what changed, but he didn't pay me much attention after that. He always talked about doing stuff, but was always busy. He moved away a few months later and I never saw him again.

Shortly after Jason moved, I had another dream with Dean. This one was a little different from the others. I was packing for a trip and Dean came into our room. He went over to the closet and started helping me pack.

“I don't want to go,” I told him.

“It won't be forever. I promise,” he told me back. I awoke again. I was now twenty eight. I had never had a serious boyfriend and every time I had fallen in love it had been unrequited. But in my dreams, there was a man that loved me beyond reason. And even when I was going somewhere, he was quick to remind me that he would always be there for me.

After Jason, I started to be a lot more cautious about who I let in to my life. I met a guy that seemed very Dean-like. Eddie Cooper and I had a lot of the same interests and even pursued the same degree in school. But he was very flaky, either showing up very late or not at all. When I'd see him again he'd be very quick to compliment my beauty or tell me how wonderful I was. Unfortunately for him, I already knew I was beautiful and didn't like my time to be wasted.

In the midst of falling for Eddie, and then un falling for Eddie I had another dream with Dean. This time I was getting ready for an evening to honor an achievement I had earned for my writing. I walked into the living room and he was wearing a well fitted dark blue suit. I put my last earring in and he smiled as I entered the room.

“You look breathtaking” he told me. I didn't say anything in return. I just kissed him gently on the lips and took his arm as we walked out of our house together. When I woke up this time I felt alone and left out. This dream, more than the others, seemed impossible. I felt like all I was ever going to find were the Eddies of the world. Or maybe the Jasons. My Twenty ninth birthday was hard. I felt like an old maid that would never be wanted by anyone. Dean had become a horrible nightmare that I dreaded seeing when I closed my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I realized Dean Carmichaels don't come around everyday. And if I want to find a Dean Carmichael, I need to be the best version of myself. I want to be that girl in my dreams. The one that he can adore, and that adores him in return. Instead of sitting by, waiting for him to show up, I decided to take my future into my own hands. I picked a major and got a degree. I focused on how I could help those around me. I bake treats and take them to people because who doesn't love a delicious home baked treat? I don't need to find Dean this very minute. I need to be the best I can so that when I do find Dean, and I will, I can fall in love with him without worry or regret. I'll know that all the waiting was worth it.