Christmas is rough sometimes, you know? And I hate being that person that's like "Christmas is hard because..." when in general I power through the season relatively well. The actual holiday itself when my huge family gets together and everyone is talking about their own families and what their kids are up to can be hard sometimes. Two years ago was probably the hardest because I had been graduated from college for a year and had spent the year sending out hundreds of resumes and filling out thousands of applications and had absolutely nothing to show for it.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family that genuinely does care about me. I know they love me, but it's the nature of being single during the holidays. It's bound to happen. And I've learned to accept this and move on.

This year, however, has been hard. Not because I'm still single and alone at Christmas, but just little things that have built up over the past few months and then this week over nothing too serious I just kind of lost it a little bit. I was extremely frustrated over the situation I found myself in. I am behind on Christmas projects and I've got a million worries and frustrations trailing behind me. And Heaven hasn't been quite as vocal as I'd like. In short, I have felt alone the entire month and have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I ended up talking to a good friend yesterday about all of this. I told him about the frustrating situation this week and how I had yelled at God over it. He laughed a little and said "I don't know why, but I like the image of you yelling at God," and then he paused and said something that really hit me. He said, "but isn't that what we're supposed to do? Tell God everything. Get it all out and put it in His hands. How can we expect to receive guidance if we don't tell him the problem?"

This Christmas season has been full of good things, as well as stressful things too. This conversation with my friend was exactly what I needed to start letting go of the stress I've been gripping with white knuckles, worried other people would know my worries and judge me, or worse, try to fix them. I am terrible at asking for help. Last week in a moment of doubt and frustration, I typed out a text message for a friend asking for help and then didn't send it because I told myself she was already dealing with so many other things in her life I didn't want to be another burden.

I think too often we worry we will be a burden to others so we keep to ourselves instead of asking for help and allowing others to be that help and guidance that we need. I'm still learning that one. I'm still learning a lot of things. But I am especially grateful for the opportunities I have to learn. To become better. To work harder. I am not a patient person, not really. I have learned to accept that things will not happen on my timetable, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it in my head. Reaching the lovely age of 33 as a single woman as taught me a lot of things. The most important is that I absolutely can not live this life alone. I have to trust in God and my Savior if I want to succeed. And I have seen so much success! I have a book that will be published (eventually)! I have an amazing group of friends, some of whom have literally drop everything to help me. I've got a great family that loves me and cares about me. All of these wonderful blessings have come from praying and listening.

How does this all tie into Christmas? Well, like I said before, I don't want to be one of those people telling you how hard Christmas is, I want to be one of those people to help you see how wonderful Christmas is despite whatever challenges you face. Are you feeling {insert specific struggle here}? Christ understands. He truly does. And this is a time of year to celebrate Him. So when things get really lonely and quiet, pour your heart and soul into learning more about His life. Read the Christmas story. Focus on him. It'll help. I promise. I've faced so many challenges in the months of November and December, it's not even a joke anymore. But you're not alone, not really.  Thanks to a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. Thanks to a Savior who put all of us before himself. A brother who took all of our pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind so that He might succor us. A friend who wants nothing more than to wipe away the tears from our eyes.

Invisible

I am not a quiet person. I mean, I can be, I totally can be, but in general I have no issue talking in front of groups of people, I can let my opinion be known. I do not hide easily among people mostly because I am not small. I am 6'0" tall, and have the build of a football player, and for a woman, that is not common. People generally notice when I walk into a room and therefore I am used to the stares as people internally wonder exactly how tall I am. Or if I, maybe, eat small children for breakfast (which I do not, btw). So, I am not quiet, but for a not quiet person I certainly do seem to be invisible to a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I am loved and I have a great family. There are plenty of people that care a great deal for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to happen to me, I would have an amazing support system already in place....at least I think I would? I'm not willing to test this theory, so we'll just go with it. But beyond my relatively small group of friends and family, I feel like the world, in general, does not see me. This is proven by the year of applying for hundreds of jobs with a completely stellar resume (three or four of them, actually) and only getting 2 interviews. One of which was because my brother got me the interview. When I got hired at my current job one of the management staff pulled me aside and asked why I hadn't gotten hired before by anyone because my credentials were amazing and I have great skills and interview well. I told her I had not idea, it was not for a lack of trying.

Any way, I often, especially lately, feel invisible. I have felt invisible to guys for years, especially the guys I have developed feelings for. It really sucks when you fall for someone who barely notices you exist. In some ways, it almost worse than if they just told you they didn't like you and to go away. It's one of those things that is devastating in the long run and, unfortunately, has taught me to keep my distance from people. I actually let few people into my life. I am close to some, but only a very select few have ever seen me cry, or seen me cry when I really had no reason why I was.

This post is getting a little too close for my liking, but I really felt like I needed to share. I don't know, maybe someone reading this also feels invisible, but doesn't know quite what to do about it. Being invisible has it's perks. There was once I just stopped texting my friends first, like, I decided I would not initiate a conversation just to see how long it took some people to notice. This was good for two reasons, 1. It helped me see who among my friends wanted me around. And 2, it helped me not be as clingy or as needy. I can be a needy person, or I feel like I can be. I initiate friendships too often and give of myself too freely at times. It's hard because I tend to be a giving person. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that can be a problem sometimes when you are invisible to people 90 percent of the time. I have a really bad habit of collecting people that just want things from me. I'm an amazing baker and a really good cook, so I have had friends want to hang out with me because of that. I am very giving of my time and energy and have had friends only hang out with me for that. Yet, when I struggle and when I actually need someone, I often find myself completely alone. Pert of it is that I don't really know how to reach out to people. There are times when I need help and I need a friend, but don't want to inconvenience anyone, especially if I feel like my feelings are irrational. I had a friend tell me yesterday that my irrational feelings were still valid feelings and that it was okay to feel them. We need this kind of friend in our lives because it really doesn't matter if we're crying over the end of a TV show, or if we're crying over someone completely ignoring our existence whether on purpose or not. All of those feelings came from somewhere. All of that emotion is valid.

Which brings me back to feeling invisible. I promise you, you're not invisible. Not to the people that really matter. And trust me, sometimes you feel like no one truly sees you and it sucks and it's hard. I get it. I have been there so many times I don't even try to keep track. But you're so strong. And you just haven't found the people that will truly see you. They're coming, I promise you that. Hold on to that hope. Hold on for just a little bit longer. I find myself saying that when things get really hard. Hard things make you stronger, and when things feel uncomprehensibly hard and you really don't want to be stronger, that's when the really awesome things start happening . So, please, just hang on a little bit longer, okay? Because you're amazing. And if you're thinking 'But Sooz, you don't even know me', that may be true, but I have felt invisible a lot and it always gets better. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like, but it does get better, I promise you that.

And to finish up, here's a great music video that fits with the theme of this post!

Barren

I'm waiting for my laundry. Because heaven forbid I actually remember to do my laundry when the sun is still up and it's a reasonable time while I catch up on all of my TV shows from the past five years. It's fine, though, really. I have some time to think in the wee hours of the morning as I listen to the spin cycle go round and round, and the topic of the day comes from something I read on the internet.

Now, this is a very very touchy subject, and I am in no way trying to make light of anything that anyone is going through. Trust me, I am not trying to make you hate me or think that I am trying to downplay your situation. I'm not. Life is hard. So so hard. Any way, the topic I am thinking of lately is the idea of being barren.

Barren.

Such an interesting word. Usually associated with infertility, which is why I gave my warning above. Because I know some people that struggle with that, and I love them and do not wish to make light of their situation. Nor is that exactly what I am going to talk about today.

Let's go to the Bible. It's such a fascinating book full of so many rich stories. I have a special place in my heart for the Old Testament. A year ago I took a religion class in the midst of my college studies. The topic of my religion class was Women in the Scriptures. It was so eye opening and fascinating and it is where my topic originated from. To be barren has several different definitions, and holds different meanings based on your circumstance. Let's look at Jacob. He fell in love with Rachel. Oh, he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to work seven years for her father just to marry her. He couldn't wait to marry her and on the day of their wedding Rachel's father, Laban, tricked him and he married Rachel's older sister Leah instead.

Sometimes I feel like I can relate to Leah. I am currently on my third or fourth set of friends in the last five years. My friends all keep finding someone they can spend forever with and go off and get married and I sit here. In my house. Doing laundry and 1:00 AM. Alone. Feeling like this might be how I spend the rest of my life. I know how it feels to feel unwanted. I know what it feels like to be asked out because my friends felt bad for me and convinced some guy to take me. And it sucks. Can you imagine how Leah felt? Knowing that her dad was tricking this guy into marrying her? This guy that is actually in love with his sister? She has watched him for SEVEN YEARS work hard just to marry her little sister.

So Jacob works for seven more years to marry Rachel. And he married her, and he was in love with her. More so than Leah, because Rachel was always his first choice. I love how the Bible (Genesis 29-31, in case you wanted to read this for yourself) says in Gen. 29:31 "And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." There's that word again, barren. Rachel was physically barren, and Leah definitely was not. She has several children before Rachel ever has a kid. But Leah does not have the love of her husband. In that aspect, she is barren. She feels despised and rejected.

It is interesting to note how often this same type of situation comes up in the Bible. You have this example, there is also Hannah, in the book of First Samuel, who is the favored wife of her husband, but has no children. They are at a feast in the first chapter and Hannah is upset because she has no children but they have been married for a long time. In 1 Sam 1:8 it says, "Then said Elkahah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am I not better to thee than ten sons?" How often in the scriptures is there a woman who has the love of her husband, but can give him no children? OR, there's the flipside of that. The women who are married to men that do not love them, but they have scores of children. Both women, in a way, are barren. One physically, and the other emotionally.

I am usually really in a great place about my life. I have a great life full of promise and adventure. I have so many doors open to me right now and I love the aspect of not really knowing what's next. It's great fun. Most of the time. There are moments, usually brief, that give me pause. I was walking to my car late one night from a friend's apartment. We had been talking about the end of the semester and the graduation ceremony which I was planning on attending and all that comes with moving on. Graduating college was a huge step for me. Mostly because I honestly wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. College was not easy for me and I worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set. As I walked through the chilly night air that night, my heart sank for just a moment. It hit me that as much as I generally don't mind waiting for Dean, he wasn't going to be there. I wasn't going to get to share this huge moment with him. Yeah, I can show him pictures later after we meet, but it won't be the same. And then, I thought about all the other huge life events that I will do on my own. And then, I thought about what he might be doing that I won't get to see because we're not together yet. My heart broke a little bit that night. I may have shed a tear. Not because I was alone, but because I felt barren in that moment. Trying to look ahead with hope, but just feeling alone in that moment.

And so, that brings me to my current thoughts on the subject. There will be times in all of our lives that we will feel barren. It might not be a physical inability to have children, or it might. It could be that aching pain when you realize that your life did not go at all according to plan and that you are considered an old maid by a majority of your peers. It could be that you can't find a job in your chosen profession. And no matter how many resumes and applications you send out, the crickets are still chirping.

I hope that in these moments of pain and anguish that we remember that there is a God above who knows us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is looking out for us and is with us through our moments of barren-ness. He will always guide us through. And one day we will understand why we were asked to go through the trials we went through. It's hard to see the big picture amid the storm, but there is a big picture. And there is a Savior who can truly understand our grief and pain.

Stay strong, my friends. Know that I love you.


And, just in case you were wondering how my job search is going post graduation, this is a song that sums up my whole life right now!!