Home

Have you ever gone somewhere and it just felt like the most wonderful place in the world? I'm not talking about Disneyland, but I am talking about a few places I've lived before. Utah Valley has been my home most of my life, and I can't complain. There is beauty and a sense of safety next to my tall mountains, especially at this time of year. Last weekend, however, I left it all behind for a day and ventured to someplace else that is also dear to my heart.

People that have met me in the last few years may know that I am an Aggies fan through and through which sometimes seems a bit odd. I spent my freshman year of college there, and given how long it took me to graduate college, that was barely a drop in the bucket. Not to mention my GPA upon leaving USU was not the best. BUT, there was something about that year that dwarfs the rest of my college experience. Perhaps it was because it was my first time living on my own. Or perhaps because it was the first time I felt like no one was judging me or comparing me to who I was growing up.
Regardless of what it was, this place is home to me. One school year, not even a complete calendar year, that has altered the course of my life for the better.

The friends I made there changed the way I looked at myself. Shortly after I moved back, one of my best friends from high school mentioned that I was a lot more confident. I beamed because confidence is something I have always struggled with. I made friends that knew and appreciated me for me. They liked who I was, which made me want to be myself. They are the friends that I still talk to today, the friends that I value and treasure most in this life. I honestly don't know where I would be without them. The friends I have made since then all know that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do if any of my Logan friends needed help. I

And so, I walked that campus and drove around that city-my city-with newer friends that had only heard about my love for that place. I probably drove them crazy with stories and experiences around almost every corner. From the tabernacle to Old Main, I had a story for every place we drove by and walked in to. I still dream about that place and how much I really would love to return to live there. Sometimes a place just sticks with you. There has only ever been one other place to just stick with me, it's on the east coast, and one day I'll get there too. Because there's nothing better than feeling that wonderful

acceptance. Often, people don't understand why a place of such magnitude that seems so ordinary could hold so much meaning, but it's not about the place, usually. It's about the memories. Even if things change, as they always do. Even if the people that made that place what it is to you aren't there, it will still have an impact, it will still be Home.







Last weekend, I went home.

Invisible

I am not a quiet person. I mean, I can be, I totally can be, but in general I have no issue talking in front of groups of people, I can let my opinion be known. I do not hide easily among people mostly because I am not small. I am 6'0" tall, and have the build of a football player, and for a woman, that is not common. People generally notice when I walk into a room and therefore I am used to the stares as people internally wonder exactly how tall I am. Or if I, maybe, eat small children for breakfast (which I do not, btw). So, I am not quiet, but for a not quiet person I certainly do seem to be invisible to a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I am loved and I have a great family. There are plenty of people that care a great deal for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to happen to me, I would have an amazing support system already in place....at least I think I would? I'm not willing to test this theory, so we'll just go with it. But beyond my relatively small group of friends and family, I feel like the world, in general, does not see me. This is proven by the year of applying for hundreds of jobs with a completely stellar resume (three or four of them, actually) and only getting 2 interviews. One of which was because my brother got me the interview. When I got hired at my current job one of the management staff pulled me aside and asked why I hadn't gotten hired before by anyone because my credentials were amazing and I have great skills and interview well. I told her I had not idea, it was not for a lack of trying.

Any way, I often, especially lately, feel invisible. I have felt invisible to guys for years, especially the guys I have developed feelings for. It really sucks when you fall for someone who barely notices you exist. In some ways, it almost worse than if they just told you they didn't like you and to go away. It's one of those things that is devastating in the long run and, unfortunately, has taught me to keep my distance from people. I actually let few people into my life. I am close to some, but only a very select few have ever seen me cry, or seen me cry when I really had no reason why I was.

This post is getting a little too close for my liking, but I really felt like I needed to share. I don't know, maybe someone reading this also feels invisible, but doesn't know quite what to do about it. Being invisible has it's perks. There was once I just stopped texting my friends first, like, I decided I would not initiate a conversation just to see how long it took some people to notice. This was good for two reasons, 1. It helped me see who among my friends wanted me around. And 2, it helped me not be as clingy or as needy. I can be a needy person, or I feel like I can be. I initiate friendships too often and give of myself too freely at times. It's hard because I tend to be a giving person. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And that can be a problem sometimes when you are invisible to people 90 percent of the time. I have a really bad habit of collecting people that just want things from me. I'm an amazing baker and a really good cook, so I have had friends want to hang out with me because of that. I am very giving of my time and energy and have had friends only hang out with me for that. Yet, when I struggle and when I actually need someone, I often find myself completely alone. Pert of it is that I don't really know how to reach out to people. There are times when I need help and I need a friend, but don't want to inconvenience anyone, especially if I feel like my feelings are irrational. I had a friend tell me yesterday that my irrational feelings were still valid feelings and that it was okay to feel them. We need this kind of friend in our lives because it really doesn't matter if we're crying over the end of a TV show, or if we're crying over someone completely ignoring our existence whether on purpose or not. All of those feelings came from somewhere. All of that emotion is valid.

Which brings me back to feeling invisible. I promise you, you're not invisible. Not to the people that really matter. And trust me, sometimes you feel like no one truly sees you and it sucks and it's hard. I get it. I have been there so many times I don't even try to keep track. But you're so strong. And you just haven't found the people that will truly see you. They're coming, I promise you that. Hold on to that hope. Hold on for just a little bit longer. I find myself saying that when things get really hard. Hard things make you stronger, and when things feel uncomprehensibly hard and you really don't want to be stronger, that's when the really awesome things start happening . So, please, just hang on a little bit longer, okay? Because you're amazing. And if you're thinking 'But Sooz, you don't even know me', that may be true, but I have felt invisible a lot and it always gets better. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like, but it does get better, I promise you that.

And to finish up, here's a great music video that fits with the theme of this post!

A little LIGHTS for ya!!

It's been a crazy month, y'all. But really. I've been writing a ton. SO MUCH WRITING. Which is awesome. And I can't wait to share it with you. I can't share all of it, because...reasons...but I will share this little snippet of LIGHTS with you!!

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green fades to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door does stand out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot and the employees are as bored as usual. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of black, white and gray business apparel around until I look over the the corner and see Ian in his usual spot. He is wearing a button up shirt that is white with a blue pinstripe, the sleeves rolled up, yet still looking precise and sharp. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. I place my order with the Shay at the counter. I have seen her nearly every day for years, and yet I don't think she could pick me out of a crowd. 

Soooooo.....what did you think? Wanna let me know in the comments? That'd be AWESOME!! :)

A Post About Neverland

It's funny. Many times a week I think to myself, "Suz, you should totally write a really funny and awesome blog post" but then I get busy and forget, or I sit down to write something to you lovely readers and it's suddenly not funny anymore. And then I go back to my imaginary world of awesomeness and spend some QT with Jason and Kyla. BTW, did you read that last post? Did you like the changes? Or did you hate them? Or, did you not read them and you're avoiding eye contact because you suddenly feel guilty about it? No worries, go read it real quick and then let me know what you think. I made HUGE changes to Kyla's life and I think they work, but I haven't gotten a ton of feedback on the subject, so yeah.

Um. I am slowly catching up on, like, five years of TV I didn't have time to stay caught up on. I finished Supergirl Season 1 this week. I kept up with that one as it aired. LOVE that show. I'm also caught up on Arrow and The Flash. My priorities are obviously in the right place. Also, Once Upon A Time. Caught up on that show. Because I freaking LOVE Captain Hook. He's seriously the only reason I'm still watching that show. Colin O'Donoghue (who plays Capt. Hook) is seriously at the top of my Future BFF's list. I want him to play Jason Tyde when that book gets made into a movie. And I know I've said that, like, a million times before, but I think he could do an AMAZING job. Seriously. He's amazing. Also, speaking of Colin, my friends and I have a running joke that he's always drinking a Coke. Even though it's clearly a beer. He's Irish. But we joke that he's always drinking a Coke and I said that when I meet him I'm going to share a Coke with him. SO, if he were to come to Comic Con (which I am really hoping happens!!) I'll totally get a photo op with him and hand him a coke for the picture so I have proof of it. Ha ha. I am sharing a lot of random things with you guys today. Eeek. I hope people still read after this. Ha ha. #shareacokewithcolin #itsgonnabeathing.

Speaking of Captain Hook, Jenni James just wrote a book called Capt. Hook and it is adorable. It's part of her Faerie Tale Collection. Also, there's this song by Ruth B that I am IN LOVE with and has brought a lot of inspiration for my writing!! My friend (A new one I've never mentioned before!! Let's call her Chiquita) introduced me to this song and I had to go buy her EP I loved it so much!! You should watch her video here:



I have a character that keeps coming to mind. Her name is Grace and she's adventurous. I want to tell her story, which I think will be rather lengthy, but I need to finish Changing Tyde first. Having a billion stories in your head all the time is exhausting at times. But, I promise you all-especially Grace- that more stories are coming. Every of the stories. All of the stories. I love them.

Any way, go read what I posted about Changing Tyde and then leave a comment!! I NEEEEEEED FEEDBACK :)!!!

Batman V Superman, and other things

First of all, here's 2 chapters of Changing Tyde that I completely changed. Let me know what you think. They're SUPER rough drafts, but you should get the idea:

Chapter 2 - Kyla

I didn't think about how hard it was going to be to pack up my apartment. I moved quite frequently through out my college experience, this should be a piece of cake. But this time was harder than any of the other times. Everything I touched had a memory with him attached to it. I found myself reliving the last three years over and over again, each item bringing the pain in a new light. At this rate, I'll never get packed in time.

I finish packing the last box in the living room. I need to be packed and ready to go in two days. I look around my still mostly full apartment and feel defeated. I tape up the box and set in on top of the others labeled with a thick black sharpie. I look to the half packed kitchen and don't even want to think about the bedroom. I've avoided the bedroom more than anything else. The memories that room holds will be worse than the rest.

It's just a one bedroom apartment. It shouldn't be this difficult. And yet, I've been packing for a month. Or, avoiding the packing for a month. I pick up another box, determined to tackle the kitchen tonight when my phone buzzes to life on the counter top next to the sink. It's my best friend and former roommate Shannon. I answer it.

“Hey! I was just calling to see if you needed any help yet?” She sounds cheerfully cautious.

“I thought I could do this by myself, but I think I've hit the point where I need some help. When are you free?” I ask, frustrated. But before I can even finish the question, there's a knock at the door. I walk over and open the door as Shannon ends the call and looks up at me.

“I'm glad you're willing to let me help because I was going to help whether you wanted it or not.” She informs me with all the sass that her southern drawl implies. I hug her, feeling like I might not fall completely apart with her here.

“Thank you, Shan. Ugh. I odn't know what I was thinking.” I tell her.

“You were thinking that you could whip this all out in a day and a half like all the times we moved from one apartment to the next. But this isn't like all the other times.” She states, and I know she's right.

“I just get frustrated so easily. I'll be packing a box in the kitchen and before I know it, I'm ugly crying over a skillet Nick's mom gave me at my bridal shower. It's so depressing. Are you sure you want to help?” I ask.

“I'm sure I want to help. What is the hardest for you to pack?” She asks, looking around at the progress I have made.

“I finished the living room, I was just about to start on the kitchen again. I haven't really touched the bedroom. I've kind of avoided that one the most. Do you want to work on the kitchen and I'll try working on the bedroom?” I try sounding optimistic and determined. Shannon just smiles at me and wraps an arm around me,

“How about we do the bedroom together?” She asks with an optimism I lost a long time ago. I nod and we head over to the bedroom.

It's not that I have a lot of stuff in my bedroom, it's just that was the last place I saw Nick. It's where we slept each night and where we talked for hours about our future. I had gotten rid of most of his stuff, but there were still memories everywhere I looked.

We had moved into this apartment as newlyweds and now I was leaving everything behind. Shannon started taking all of my clothes out of the closet and putting them in a box. She probably would have done the whole thing if I let her. But I couldn't let her do that, so I grabbed a box and started going through my drawers.

“Would you believe that I've already gone through everything in here, like, three times?” I say with a slight smile as I find pictures from my first date with Nick. I hold up the picture to show Shannon, “Remember this night?”

“How could I forget? You were so smitten by him. You couldn't stop talking about him. Which was hilarious because you swore you didn't like him.”Shannon reminds me. I laugh a little and put the pictures in a box.

“He caught me off guard. I wasn't supposed to meet anyone that semester.”

“And yet, the universe and Nick had other plans.” She responds. I laugh a little at the memories and keep going. Within an hour my bedroom is completely packed and we head to the kitchen.

I sit down at the table to rest for a minute. Shannon grabs a couple bottles of water out of the fridge for us and sits across from me.

“Was that easier?” She asks. I nod.

“I don't think I could have done that without you. Thanks.” I open the water and take a drink.

“I'm so glad. Is the kitchen all that's left?” She asks looking around.

“Yeah, pretty much. And it's half way there. The moving truck will be tomorrow. Leo and Mark are going down with me to help me move in down there and then they're flying back on Saturday. This is all happening so fast.”

“I know. I can't believe you're actually leaving me. What am I going to do without you?” She teases.

“Come visit me. I don't have a huge apartment, but I do have a couch. And I'm not far from the beach!” I tell her.

“Fine. You win. I'll be here tomorrow to help you load the truck.” She looks at me with concern. This isn't new. Everyone's looked at me like that for a year. It's what happens when your whole life gets turned upside down and you're left scrambling to put the pieces back together. It's how I look at myself in the mirror each morning.

Chapter 4 - Kyla

I pull into an empty parking spot. Spring is in full bloom as I walk slowly through the empty grass and walk the familiar path to the one place I have found myself most often over the last year. I'm glad no one else has decided to come visit so that I can say goodbye alone. I stop at the granite gravestone.

Nicholas Andrew Robinson

May 16, 1988 – January 20, 2015

Beloved Husband and Son

I place a small arrangement of Gerber daisies at the base of the stone and kneel careful down next to it. This place has become sacred ground over the last year while I have dealt with the loss of my best friend.

“Hey Nick. I finally got all packed up and am ready to go. Shannon came by and helped last night or I'd probably be ugly crying over a knife set we got for the wedding.” I try to laugh at the absurdity of the truth, “your mom promised to come by regularly and bring you flowers. I know it's a little ridiculous for us to bring you flowers when you really didn't like them, but it's our way to let you know we care about you still.” I'm rambling. To a gravestone. If Nick really were here, he'd be teasing me with that ridiculous grin and sharp green eyes. I can still see them as if he were truly standing in front of me.

“So. California. I can't believe it's actually happening. Mom and Dad are thrilled to have me closer. They offered me the guest suite at their house, but I just couldn't move back in with them. I'm not the little girl that left there anymore. I did get the apartment down on 6^th Ave. It's a small studio apartment, but it'll do until I get on my feet again. Besides it's just me.” I can feel all of my emotions ebbing and flowing and rising like a river. I wasn't supposed to be alone ever again.

“I guess I really just wanted to come and say goodbye. Not for forever. I plan to come back and visit. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you completely changed my life, Nick, and I'll always love you for that. You showed up when I thought I didn't need anyone and proved me wrong. I love how you changed everything about my life and made me a better person. I will never forget you, or our life together. I will treasure each day we spent together and even though I'm moving away and moving on, that doesn't mean I'm going to forget you. I could never forget you. I still love you so much that it hurts. My heart is still broken and as long as I stay here it will be. I think that's part of why I took this job so soon. Because as long as I stay here all I'll think about is losing you. And I don't think you'd want me to stay here and dwell on what was. I think you want me to be happy. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Move on and be happy. I love you, Nick. Always.” I wipe away the tears that have collected and stand up to walk away. The sun is setting in front of me and the light dances through the trees and across Nick's grave. I smile and turn to walk back to my car. The pain of saying goodbye is just as hard as it was the day he was buried here.

.....sooooooo.....what did you think??? I'm actually really curious. You should, maybe, leave your thoughts in the comments or something.

Also, went and saw Batman V Superman last night after I revised 46 pages of the above story. It was a crazy awesome day and then I went to the movies with Liam, which was a lot of fun. It was a pretty good movie. They referenced a lot of different comic book story lines, so I'm curious where they take this. In my dream world, I will work for DC as a screenwriter. It's going to be awesome and their movies will be great. Any way, let me know what you thought of Changing Tyde. I know it's a lot different from where the story started and I am so happy that I get to keep working on it!!

3 Posts in 1 Week?! What the what?!

I know, I know, you're wishing I wouldn't have gotten back on the blogging bandwagon, BUT, I am trying to focus more on my writing and this is a good way for me to do that. I can talk to you, my dear readers, and talk through all of my problems. And give you random scraps of stuff that I write. Hehehe. I know you love ALL THE THINGS, right? Right.

So, without further ado, an excerpt of LIGHTS that I wrote today. This is when Emma and Ian are talking together. They've talked a couple of times, but still don't really know each other. It's still definitely a work in progress and this is soooo rough, but it gives you an idea. It's like a pre sketch if I were an artist with pencils and colors instead of words.

I walk briskly down the street to the hospital. I check my phone. It's nearly 9:00. I look in the coffee shop as I pass. Ian isn't in his spot. Just as I pass the doors, one of them swings open barely missing me.

“Sorry, mate! I didn't see-” Ian's panicked voice hits me before I actually see him. I stop and turn to see him walking, book in hand, the same direction I have stopped.

“Oh! Hi! Oh, no worries, you didn't hit me with the door.” I am surprised at the cheeriness in my own voice. As if I am excited to see Ian.

“That's a relief. I must have been walking absentmindedly.” He answers as I start to walk away. He starts walking the same direction. I give him a sideways glance. He notices and responds, “I work down here just a couple of blocks, where are you headed?” His reasoning is sound, I don't know why I momentarily freaked out when he started walking to same way as me.

“Oh, uh, just down here to Children's Memorial. They've had a busy morning, so I have to go in and see if I can help.”I am surprised by the ease I am in able to talk to him.

“Ah, A nurse? Doctor? Cafeteria worker?” He asks nonchalantly, and yet I feel so comfortable I momentarily forget that I really don't know him..

“Oh, I'm a doctor. I've been here for about three years now. It's the greatest job in the world. I love helping kids.”

“A kid doctor. That is impressive.” He says. I smile at his approval.

“Yeah, I lost my mom in a car accident as a kid and I was in the car too. The doctors that saved my life really changed the way I see the world and I wanted to be like them so I grew up and became a doctor.”

“You are a remarkable woman, Emma.” His words are rich and full of respect. I blush slightly at the admiration. Before I could respond, my phone went off again. It was work.

“Excuse me for just a second?” I ask. He nods as I turn to talk on the phone.

“False alarm, Emma. We've got it covered. We'll keep you posted if anything else happens.” Marques's deep voice tells me before I can get a word in.

“Okay, thanks. Definitely keep me posted. Okay, bye” I hang up the phone. Ian is glancing over at the horizon.

“Sorry about that. I guess they don't need me after all.”

“Is the child okay, I take it?”

“Oh. Oh, no, I help out in the ER from time to time if they get too slammed and need an extra pair of hands.”

“You just keep getting more and more impressive, don't you?” He winks at me.

“Thank you, but I just do what I can to help people. It's not anything to really take notice of.” Ian smiles and laughs lightly to himself. I ask, “What is it?”

“You just remind me of my girlfriend. Quite a lot, actually.” He has a girlfriend?

“Oh?” I say.

“She's a very kind and considerate person. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.” My curiosity was getting the best of me. I was so intrigued by this unknown woman who had his heart. I almost felt a little jealous.

“Tell me about her.” I state. I didn't even ask.

“She's beautiful. The kind of beauty that you come across once in a lifetime. Everything about her is beautiful. Her hair, her lips, her voice, the way that she walks, everything. I was drawn to her from the moment I saw her and have never looked back. She is my guardian angel. She guides me through the storms I face and pushes me to be the best version of myself.” He speaks with such confidence I feel a little intimidated by her. I also know doubt he has ever actually flirted with me. The way he talks about his love is unmistakable. It's almost like she there with him even though she's not.

“Where is she?” I ask.

“She's back home. I'm only out here for another few weeks. She came to visit a couple weeks ago. We've gone back and forth while I've been working here. Hopefully soon I can just work close to home and be with her. I think she'd like that too.” There was a slight falter in his words, as if he was hoping this would happen more than it being a sure thing.

“I hope that happens for you. Everyone deserves to be with the one they love.” I hoped these words would be true for him.

“Thank you. I hope that things work out with you and your boyfriend as well.” He sounded genuine, but I suddenly felt like my relationship with Trent was so small in comparison to Ian and his love.

“Ha. We are just starting out. We've only been together for about six months. We've only just started talking about moving in together. I mean we spend so much time together we might as well. I'm tired of the back and forth of his place and mine. I'd really rather just wake up next to him in the same place each night, you know?” I didn't even think about the words as I said them until I noticed Ian's expression. He tried to hide it, but it was almost a twinge of pain as I talked about moving in with Trent. I don't understand. I quickly change the subject.

“Any way, I better let you get to work. I should head back home. I've got a whole day to get back to.” I turn to leave.

“Emma, wait.” I stop as he says my name. I don't want to face him. I don't want to see the judgement in his eyes. He continues any way, “I just hope that you are truly happy. Regardless of what I may have said or not said, I hope you are happy. Truly. With all my heart I hope you find what you're looking for.”

“Thanks.” I whisper and as I turn to finally face him, he's gone. Not just down the street a ways, but completely gone. I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. What is going on? I look at my phone. It's 10:22. How can an hour and a half already have passed? I shake off the feeling of loss and disapproval that has snuck in and head back to my apartment.  

Sooooooo.......what did you think? That ended up being A LOT longer on here than it did on the page I was writing it on....weird. Any way, hit or miss? Or neither? I have no idea! I just know that I like where this is going. Because at the beginning you think it's a typical love story and then BAM I throw you into time and space and craziness and awesomeness and fighting and life and death type stuff. It's great. I love it. 

Um...I didn't die, I promise

So, if anyone still reads this then let me apologize again for my lack of writing. It's not because I don't love you. Because I totally do. Mostly it's because I was trying really hard to graduate college while I was still 30. It's ridiculous, I know, but I just wanted to say I had graduated college by the time I was 30. 31 just sounds weirder. It's my OCD with numbers.

Um, so I did it. I graduated. I passed my last semester of classes and will walk in April as UVU only does one commencement a year. Go me! It's a huge accomplishment in my book. Nigh unto finishing my mission, which may sound ridiculous unless you've been there. A few years ago I felt like I hadn't really accomplished anything with my life and now I can say that I served a mission and graduated college. My parents would also like to see me add "got married and had kids" to my list of accomplishments, but these things take time.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but after years and years of really awesome self doubt and frustration with Heavenly Father about how my life was playing out, I am actually really cool with being single. Does it still suck living in Utah County where I am pretty much an old maid? Yeah, it kind of does. Mostly because there are no prospects here. There are LOTS of single guys, but none that I can ever see myself dating let alone marrying. They are also, on average, around seven or eight years younger than me. And I'm not really the cougar type. SO, waiting it is. I worked out a deal with my Heavenly Father that I think will work out great for all involved. And, you know what? I'm actually pretty excited about it. I feel like I took a really really long time getting to this place in my life where I finally see things  in a much broader perspective. And I'm willing to wait a little longer for things that will be better in my life. Guys, this is going to be my year. I can feel it. I've got so much coming my way and I can't wait to see all my hard work and plans come full circle.

Any way, if any of you are still reading this, just let me know. If not, I don't know. I'll probably just start adding poems that I wrote and stuff.

BTW, I got a poem published. That was cool.

I'm NOT dead!!!

I thought I wrote a post or two this summer. Apparently I did not. Sorry about that. I feel like I write so infrequently that people have probably given up on me by now. To anyone still reading, thank you! You are truly a gem!

So, what's new with me? I started school again. This is the beginning of the end. It's kind of really scary. I moved home to save money, and have been writing up a storm. A lot of what I've been writing is really terrible, but has a lot of potential. This is the part of writing I dislike. The writing things out knowing that you're going to have to go back and rewrite it again. I know that in the end I'll be so happy with the result, but right now it's just hard to think about. All the work. All the edits. All the criticism. I try to not think about them and focus on the exciting beginning parts.

I wrote three stories on Thursday. In all three stories, someone dies. Apparently I am a killer, fictionally speaking.

I started a story about a girl who knows that she's unique and different than anyone else but has to hide who she is for a time because no one would understand who she is or how amazing she is. She's got super powers (because why not?!) and she meets a boy that looks like superman and they become friends. This is funny because she's the one with the super powers. ha ha. Here, I'll share a little bit of the story with you. It's a Flash Fiction piece, and it's a very very rough draft, but I hope you like it:

I was five. It was a Tuesday. Dad had just taken me to the comic book store. The newest Captain America comic had come out, so obviously I needed it. Mom never understood. Tuesdays were not her favorite days.

Dad's funeral was on a Tuesday. I remember because Mom took me to the comic book store after. I think she was trying to take my mind off of him dying, but she didn't realize that the whole trip permanently associated Tuesdays with Dad's funeral. She was a mess. Couldn't stop crying. No one could blame her. A widow at twenty eight with a freak for a daughter.

I was never like the other kids. Dad got that, Mom struggled. She always wanted the pretty little princess of a girl. I have always preferred comic books to fairy tales. This is really when my love for Tuesdays began. See, kids picked on me at school so the first Tuesday of my second grade year, Dad took me to the comic book store. Superman, Batman, Iron Man, all of them were there. I seemed to understand them, and they me. I drank them in like water on a hot day.

I grew up alone. Kind of like Spiderman; except without the radioactive spider bite. I was more like Superman in that I came by my “abilities” from birth.

My dad always told me that I was born with open eyes so I could take in everything. I still miss him sometimes. It's an odd sensation-missing someone. There's nothing you can do to see or hear from them again, and yet it's like they are just barely out of reach.

On this particular Tuesday, I was really missing Dad. I went to pick up the new Wolverine comic. Last weeks had been a cliffhanger and I was dying to know what happened. I walked in to the old store. It smelled like old books and cigarette smoke. A couple of kids played on the pinball machine. I saw Lenny, the owner.

“Hey kid. Come for the new one?” He sounded like he was from Brooklyn, which is funny because he grew up in Clevland.

“Yeah, you got it?” I asked, pretty sure of the answer.

“Is it Tuesday?” Was his response. Yes. It was Tuesday, most blessed of days. Lenny pulls it straight from the box and hands it to me. I hand over the cash with exact change. He counts it and laughs as he opens the register with a ding.

“I'll never understand how you do that.” He talks to me, but neither of us are actually paying attention to each other.

“It's a talent.” I say as an afterthought, completely engrossed in my new comic. I walk out the door without looking and run into something. My glasses go flying and I find myself sprawled on the ground, which has never happened to me before. I tend to be a little more on the Superman side in that aspect too.

“Hi, I'm Clark. I just moved here from Kansas.” He holds out his hand for me to shake. Is this guy for real?

“Hi, I'm Emi. I'm from here.” I say as I take his hand. We shake hands briefly and then he takes a step away to pick up my glasses. I put them back on, even though I don't need them and take him in. He's taller than me, has dark curl hair, I'm guessing his plaid shirt comes in several colors, and he probably owns them all. Before I get ahead of myself, I turn to him and say,

“So, Clark, how do you feel about Tuesdays?” A grin crosses his face.

“It's the best day of the week. Is that the new Wolverine comic?! I was just going to buy it!”

“Yes. And this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Clark. I just know it.”

..... ...... .....so..... ........ .......what did you think? It's jumpy, timeline wise, but I have a hard time staying in one place. Especially when I'm working on LIGHTS, which I currently am. Ah LIGHTS. Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE that story? Time travel, attractive men, fighting, drama. *sigh* it's just so fantastic. I love it. 

I rewrote the beginning of LIGHTS and have added so much to the story. It is so much better than what I started with. The idea behind it is so much deeper and broader. Oh my gosh, I love it. SO. MUCH. 

I also have an idea in my head of who I would like to play both Ian and Donnavan in the movie (because it's totally going to happen). And here they are:

This guy, here, is who I see playing Donnavan. Dark hair, kind of mysterious, totally capable of being a completely devious character that is out to destroy all that is good and light. Yep. I have found my Donnavan. His real name is Jackson Hurst and he is from the TV show Drop Dead Diva, which is a favorite of mine. Total guilty pleasure show. The ironic thing is he plays a really nice decent human being on that show and I want him to be the villain. I think he can do it. 

And this guy over here is who I picture playing Ian. I actually met him last weekend at Comic Con, and it was further proof that I was right in wanting to cast him. He is a genuinely nice person in real life, which is always a plus. He's from the TV show Arrow as the main guy, Oliver Queen. His real name is Stephen Amell. 

And I know what you're thinking, But Sooz, WHAT ABOUT TOM?!?!?!?!?! It is indeed a very good question. But I can't cast Tom Hiddleston in all my movies. That would get boring. 

Well, I hope you have a fantastic week! Or month! Or however long it takes for me to write again!! 

TA-DA!!

I haven't written in a while, and I hope you all will forgive me. I am actually supposed to be working on Math homework right now, but I was just sooo excited to be finished! I can't believe it! It is finished. I have finally finished an entire story. I finished my screenplay today. All 110 pages of it. Done. Finished. Complete. Amazing. Ah, such a relief!!!! I am so proud of myself for FINALLY finishing an entire story! I still have edits to do. Oh, the edits. It is really cheesy right now because it's a rough draft. Such a rough draft, BUT, it is a finished draft. Oh my gosh. I can't believe I finished it!!! And now that I've accomplished one, I will work on others until they are all done and I'll tell all the stories!!! HOORAY!!!

Let's all be excited. Time to go watch the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon episodes I've missed because I'm doing homework. TA-DA!!! YAY!

New Movie Idea

So, I have to write a 15 minute movie for my screen writing class and I had this GENIUS idea. What if I wrote the first scene of LIGHTS into a movie? Wouldn't that be AMAZING?!?!?! And the answer, obviously, is YES. ABSOLUTELY. UNDOUBTABLY. YES. So, as soon as I finish it, I will post it on here for you to catch an early glimpse. Ta-da! Be excited. I know you can't wait! It's going to LEGEN-WAIT-FOR-IT-DARY!!!! LEGENDARY!!!

Midterm Catch Up

So sorry, dear readers, for leaving you hanging for so long! I'm past midterms and well on my way to the end of the semester. This semester has been a game changer for me. No longer am I constantly looking for the elusive Dean Carmichael. I'm also not going into English Ed. anymore either. WHAT?!?!?! I know, I know you were just thinking the same thing. Let me 'esplain. There is too much, let me sum up:

I was minding my own business last week, just hanging out, working on a script for screen writing, enjoying my life and all of that and then I went to bed because it was late. How anti-climatic, I know. That night I had a dream that I was going to lunch with Joss Whedon, Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. I wasn't freaking out in my dream, it was a very regular day in the context of the dream. My phone rang and it was one of my current friends. I went to answer it and woke up. Well that was weird,  I thought to myself as I got up and got ready for the day. Too bad that will probably never happen. And I started another super crazy day. I turned in my script, we read it in class, talked about it's strengths (jokes about botulism) and it's weaknesses (your characters are too normal. They have quirks, bring out the quirks!) and after I got home from another long day I went to bed and had another dream. Much like the first. This continued, and the situation was always similar. Me, California, screenwriting, Tom Hiddleston.
      I don't really know where the whole Tom Hiddleston thing came from. I've been vehement about not liking him because this girl I know pins like 25-115 pictures of him on Pinterest a day. That's worse than my craziest Doctor Who day! So, after I woke up from the dream where I was going to the Oscar's with Tom Hiddleston because I'd been nominated for Best Screenplay, I told my room mate about it and the dream wouldn't leave me all day. It was weird. So, I did what I do best. I watched a movie. With Tom Hiddleston in it. And thought about the complexity of dreaming and life.
    I told Tango about my dreams and he was jealous because he is as much a fan of Tom Hiddleston as I now am. He commented on how he feels that Tom Hiddleston would make a good Jason Tyde. At first I adamantly opposed the very idea because Tom is not as broad as Jason is. He doesn't really look the part. However, he could nail the emotion perfectly. If you don't know anything about Tom Hiddleston aside from Thor and The Avengers, he's well known for being incredibly polite and respectful. Kind of the polar opposite of the character he plays in those movies. And I have come around and actually think he would be a very good Jason Tyde. Good 'ol Jason. Gosh I love that guy.

    I have always dreamed of being a writer. And this semester I have fallen in love with screenwriting. My dad asked me recently how school was and I told him how much I LOVE writing. I should seriously make it my career. I explained it like this:
     I once read a talk from Pres. Eyring about when he was young his dad really pushed him to get a degree in Physics, but he didn't like Physics. He was struggling a little bit and asked his dad for help. They looked over it together and went on with life. The next day his dad came to him and asked about the question. Pres. Eyring said he hadn't thought about it since they looked at it. His dad looked surprised, and said something to the effect of, "don't you think about Physics all the time when you have nothing else to think about?" and Pres. Eyring said he didn't. His dad thought for a minute and then replied, "Find what you love to do, that it is what you think about when you have nothing else on your mind." I have loved the idea of truly loving what you do. I love writing and think about it often, but as I have taken this screenwriting class I have learned that it is what I think about when I have nothing else on my mind. It consumes me and I LOVE thinking about what story I want to tell and how I'm going to tell it.
    Oh, and Dean. Wonderful Dean. Wherever he is, I feel that he is busy, and the time is not at hand for us to meet. And, you know what, that's totally okay. I don't think I'll be getting married for a little while longer. And usually I say I'm okay with it, but I'm freaking out inside. This time, however, I'm totally okay with it. I'll probably get married when I'm 32, which is fine. And although this whole prospect scares me to death, I'm excited and hopeful.
     Thus, the explanation. I am going to become a screenwriter and after some extensive conversations with my Heavenly Father over the last 2 weeks, the plans I had for my life have begun to shift and it's looking like I will get a degree in screenwriting and hopefully get a job in California and go do that whole thing. Very specific plans, I know. I'm awesome like that.
    So there you have it. A catch up on my life thus far. Be excited, friends, because although everything I'm reaching for terrifies me, I know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I won't fail.

For Sidney

So, my friend Sidney tagged me, and I'm answering some questions!!

"Liebster" means dearest in German, and it's awarded, blogger to blogger, to up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers.  The rules for accepting and giving the award are pretty simple.  Once you accept the award, you just have to do the following in a blog entry:

Answer the 11 questions posted by the nominator on her blog

Give 11 facts about yourself

Nominate 5-11 other new, up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers

Make up 11 more questions to pass on to the bloggers you choose to nominate

Thank your nominator by linking back to her blog

Upon your post going live, contact your nominees about your nomination for them

Sidney's Questions

1. What is the wildest thing you have ever done? Um, well, the wildest thing I can't talk about-legal stuff, you know ;).

2. Who is the person who has influenced you the most? Probably my mom, because she's super awesome, and when I grow up 

3. What is something you want to do before you die? Become a screenwriter.

4. What, in your opinion, is your greatest talent? Probably baking. Or writing (though I often don't feel I am a good enough writer to make a difference, or to make it at all!)

5. Do you like to go out, or are you a homebody? Homebody most of the time. I don't like large groups of people

6. Vampires or Werewolves? Um...if we're talking Vampire Diaries, Vampires. if we're talking Twilight, neither, if we're talking anything before 2008 probably werewolves?

7. Is there something you wish you could change about yourself? There are lots of things I wish I could change about myself, that's the beauty of life, though. Learning to accept who we are and how amazing we each are!

8. What do you want to change in the world? There are so many things I wish I could change, but just one would be the lack of faith everywhere. With faith ALL things are possible.

9. Who is your celebrity crush? This week, Tom Hiddleston. He's super adorable. My standard is still Zachary Levi, though. 

10. Your favorite joke? What is the Canada disease? Botulism. Most of you won't get it. It's from my apartment.

11. What is your go to feel better activity? Watch movies with attractive actors. 

11 Facts about ME:

1. I LOVE baking, especially eclairs.
2. I am the youngest of 8 and have the best, most fun, crazy family ever.
3. I am changing my major to Screenwriting
4. I'm going to change the world someday.
5. I am incredibly awesome and humble ;)
6. I only have one sister who is one of my best friends
7. I have 3 best friends. They are practically family.
8. I live with some pretty awesome room mates who joke about botulism and pharamones.
9. One day I will work as a screenwriter on a movie with Joss Whedon, Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth (Avengers 3, anyone?)
10. My favorite color is purple.
11. My favorite dessert is a white cake with white frosting. 

Okay, y'all. I don't know who to tag, so if you want to do it, here are my questions:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?

2. What is your favorite color and why?

3. If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why?
4. What is your number one goal for your life?
5. What is your favorite store to shop at?
6. Why did the chicken cross the road?
7. Knock, Knock?
8. What is your favorite hobby?
9. If you could go to lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be?
10. What is your favorite holiday?
11. What is your idea of a perfect date?

I'm giving a Gold Star for those that actually read the whole thing!!

What up, my friends????? Long time no post, I know. That's how it goes with me, though, you know? So, updates...I live in the same complex as DJ now, different building, but our buildings are kiddie corner to each other. I see him in the parking lot sometimes. And that's the end of that story. There's a know guy at work. He's super adorable. Lets call him Steve, because I haven't called anyone Steve yet. And I apparently like that name today. But yeah, Steve sits in the desk behind me and we talk and it's fun. He's a nice guy. Good friend.

It was crown day today. According to my room mate. I haven't come up with clever nicknames for my room mates yet, so I won't really get in to those stories, mkay?

I have been writing. Oh, have I been writing. Would you like to read some of it? Yeah? Okay, here are a couple of little pieces I've written for my creative writing class. Also, I'm taking a screen writing class and it's A-MAZING. I kind of want to go in to screen writing professionally, I think it would be AWESOME. Also, that would give me so much more creative control over my books when they get published and then made into movies. I'd be the screenwriter. Ta-da!!! Any way, here you go:

A side note: PLEASE, please, please, don't copy or quote, or use any of my writing without my permission. This is all REALLY personal stuff and I am only sharing it here to get a little feedback. So, with that being said, on with the show!!

Here's a piece of Flash Fiction:

Mistaken

I asked her not to. She didn't listen. Why didn't she listen? I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do this. But I did. I did do this. And now I can't go back. Back to the way things were. Why? Why can't I go back to the way things were? Because it's too late. And now there's blood, I don't even know who's blood it is. Everywhere. Pooling around me. Make it stop.


I look for a towel, but there isn't anything. I start to panic. I'm surprised it's taken this long to set in. I don't know what to do. What do I do? I can't find a towel. I don't want to use my shirt, but it's the only cloth I can find. Why isn't there anything else here? What am I doing? Why am I here? I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't supposed to happen. This....this...too late....


“Steve, are you okay?” I hear her voice, but I don't see her.
“Steve, can you hear me, babe?” There's panic in her voice now. It wasn't there before. Why is she worried about me? I did this. I am the one to blame.



“Steve, I've called the police, they're on their way. Just stay calm, okay?” The panic is rising. She's still talking, but I don't hear the words. I'm not surprised. I would have called the cops, too. Everything is getting dark. Is this how things end? I don't know. I thought there was supposed to be light. Isn't that what they say? A light comes and you walk towards it? I'm only seeing darkness. I thought all those stupid clichés would come true. I guess they really are just clichés. Overused and meaningless. There's the sirens. I can hear them. They're almost here. Time to face my fate. I don't think I'll make it to when they get here. It's all so dim and dark. I just want to sleep. Let me sleep....sleep...it's all a dream now.


I am not a poet, but here is my attempt because I was forced to:

The Railing


I watch from above,
they all look like ants beneath me.
I lean against the railing.
It's there to protect me, but it doesn't.
It's small and thin in comparison
To all that I have,
All that I am,
All that I will become.
It is there to keep me safe.
To remind me of what I stand for
What I believe in,
Why I do what I do.
It is a reflection of my life.


I stand up straight and stretch my arms,
I am tall. I feel like I could fall into the sky
And watch the world fade to nothing.
Nothing.
That is what I want.
I want nothing to fear or hide from.
I don't want expectations or worries.
Nothing in the dark shadows of the night.
It is peaceful then.

Peace and darkness to ease the burden.

AND, finally, a piece of my 10 minute play:

ROUND ONE

(Girls can be heard OS, screaming)

JASON (OS)

Come on, come on! Quick quick quick!

(JASON and KYLA enter the stage through a doorway, they run in hand in hand, laughing.)

KYLA

(breathless)Is it always like that?

JASON

Only when a new article comes out, or when an interview airs on TV. This is nothing compared to premiere weekends. Some events get so bad I don't even come home for a while.

(Jason is still holding Kyla's hand. He looks down at it and lets go.)

KYLA

I can't even imagine that.

JASON

I'm sure this isn't how you expected your summer to end up. I know you like things to be really calm.

KYLA

Yeah, but if dealing with them means I get to spend time with you, then it's worth it. I've had plenty of time begin alone, and to be honest, it's all very exciting being around you.

JASON

Yeah, until they realize that I spend more time with you than anyone else and decide to revolt.

KYLA

I guess we better just keep our friendship a secret then.

(BROOKE enters from the opposite side of the stage. Jason immediately stands between her and Kyla)

JASON

Brooke, what are you doing here? How did you get in?

BROOKE

Oh, come on, Babe, you know I can charm my way into anywhere.

JASON

Seriously, Brooke, I changed the locks, all the door codes, everything.

BROOKE

It took me a little while, but I figured out the code to your garage. I thought you'd be happy to see me. It's been months. I missed you.

JASON

That's nice. So, explain to me what you are doing here.

(Brooke approaches Jason, trying to get a better look at Kyla. Kyla steps out from behind Jason and faces Brooke.)

BROOKE

I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met. I'm Brooke.

KYLA

I know who you are.

BROOKE

I assumed as much, but I'm trying to be polite.

KYLA

I don't know why. I didn't think you cared about anyone but yourself.

(Jason steps between them to separate them again.)

JASON

Okay, Ky, calm down, Brooke, don't give her that look. We both know she's right.I mean, I didn't think you had feelings. I thought you were just a shell of bitterness and self gratification.

BROOKE

Ooooh, and I just thought that maybe you would have changed your mind about this whole misunderstanding.

(Jason's calm demeanor melts at the mention of misunderstanding.)

JASON

It's nice to know you're still dellusion-

BROOKE

I'm not the delusional one! I-

JASON

Just stop, Brooke! I don't want to-

BROOKE

No, you just stop. I came over to try and patch things up.

JASON

And you think I would just let you in and forget about everything?

Brooke

It was a while ago. I hoped that with some time apart you'd see-

JASON

Yeah, that's not happening.

BROOKE

But why?

JASON

Because you cheated on me. Brooke, you lied to me. I used to love everything about you. Why do you want to go back to that, anyway? You weren't happy

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!! And scene. Well, actually, that's not the whole scene. It's just the beginning. But you get the idea. It's the first time Jason and Brooke have talked since the divorce has been finalized, and I really don't blame him for not wanting to be around her. Brooke is kind of a crazy person. I mean, who cheats on Jason Tyde?!?!??!?!?!!!! 

Any way, I have been busy busy busy. I am all moved in to my new place and love it, except on football game days because I live right next to the stadium. But, otherwise it's pretty fantastic. I'll try and update you a little more frequently. Okay, bye!!!

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure, my thoughts on #hashtags:

Writing Stuffs

I have been writing kind of a lot the last few days. Like a lot a lot. Makes me happy to see Changing Tyde taking flight again. I'm getting a whole new group if friends completely addicted and falling in love with Jason. As it should be. Everyone should love him. He's such a fantastic guy!! I'll post a sniper for you here soon and you'll probably love it and hate Brooke. As it should be. The end.