A Moment of Reflection

Life sucks. Sometimes. Not all the time. And sometimes November hits you in the face so many times that you're sitting in your room at 1:30 AM looking at the calendar knowing that before you know it, it'll be November 1st and you'll be facing another November. That's me. Right now. Guys, it's almost November.

I'm so sick of social media. If I didn't use social media to promote my own writing, I'd turn it all off and not look at it ever again. Or not until after this election business is over.

Guys, I feel like I have a billion things to say, but every time I try to write them out, I hate the way that I'm saying something and erase the whole thing.

I found out that my favorite Spanish teacher from high school passed away yesterday. It was very sad because he was an amazing teacher. I still remember his class and all that I learned there. Teachers like that don't come around very often. I'm so glad I was able to learn from him. His impact is far reaching. I don't think he could have possibly known how much we all loved him. I hope his family can find comfort in knowing how great he was and how beloved he was of his students.

I wanted to give you guys an excerpt of something I'm working on because I feel like the last few posts have been a bit more me focused and less on my writing, so here you go, an excerpt from the last edit of LIGHTS. It's part of what I gave you last time with a little bit MORE bwa ha ha:

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door stands out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot.

The employees are surprisingly lackluster. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of obsidian jackets to compliment their ivory blouses and button up shirts under charcoal blazers all around until someone catches my eye. He is wearing a button up shirt rolled up to his fore arm. A pearl white shirt with a cobalt pinstripe. Despite his relaxed expression, he still looks precise and sharp. Even his rolled up sleeves seem to be rolled to a precise measurement so as to not be too casual or too business like. He seems brighter than everyone else in the little shop. Or even the city. If that's even possible. Like he almost has a glow to him that no one else does. The pages on his book seem almost vibrant. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. He has an undefined preoccupation with his watch.

He is oblivious to the world, and yet I feel like he is watching more closely than the rest of us. He checks his watch, looks up briefly before returning to his book. How can he read?

I admit, my fascination is probably bordering on creepy, probably. No one else seems to notice him. It's almost like they can't see him. This morning is no exception. No one sees him, no one talks to him, it's like he's not even here. There is nothing threatening about him. Perhaps that is why no one notices. I thought about asking one of the workers if they know anything about him, but they seem even less personable than usual today. A little thought keeps pestering me to go talk to him. After all, I have time today. It's not even eight in the morning.

“Emma!” Bobby's voice booms around me and my cup comes flying across the counter. He doesn't even look as he throws my cup. I've become a coffee catching ninja as I skillfully snatch it without a drop getting on my scrubs. I check my phone again. 7:52. I walk over to the counter with napkins and grab a couple. I turn to leave and nearly run into the guy I can't stop staring at. He waits for me to notice I'm staring and I laugh awkwardly.

“Sorry about that.” I say and slip past him and head for the door. I feel the deep red of a very embarrassing blush crosses my cheeks. He smiles at me as I leave and in that last glance I notice how fiercely green his eyes are.

I walk quickly down the sidewalk when my phone rings. I glance down to see Marques, my coworker, calling me.

“Hey friend, what's up?” I ask him, surprised that he's beat me to work. I'm usually the first one there.

“Emma. Calahan is here to observe you. Where are you?” He asks in response.

“I'm headed in, I just stopped to get some coffee. I won't be late, promise.” I say.

“You're already 25 minutes late.” He states. There's no way that's possible. I left my house less than ten minutes ago. How can I be late at all? I look at my watch as the faceplate on my watch glaringly switches from 9:25 to 9:26.  

And now, I will be editing and writing some things. And watching the newest episode of Designated Survivor because I missed it when it aired because it was Hugh Jackman's birthday today and I was busy. You can check all that out HERE. 

Sometimes life is just hard

My car died last week. Grayson. I had him for a year. Almost to the day. He was a good car. Got me from A to B. And from B back to A, or sometimes to C. But he always got me home. Man, he was a good car. Named him after Dick Grayson from the comic books. Because I'm a comic book nerd. And it wasn't overly obvious. I don't like to be in your face, generally, with what I do and don't like/obsess over. Like comic books. If you guys knew the extent that my level of comic book nerd actually was, you'd be surprised, I think.

Any way, Grayson died and I have had a while to contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I don't have a new job yet. #anyonewanttohireawriter? I am living in the basement of my childhood home, questioning my life choices. I have a degree that my dad thinks is useless and currently he's trying really hard not to say "I told you so." BUT, despite all the opposition waiting for me to fail, I feel like this is my time to keep pushing forward. Not stopping the momentum. Well, there's not really a lot of momentum at this particular moment. Mostly I just can't stop trying. I can't stop working hard to find that elusive new job. And reach for my amazing dreams. I don't expect to become a screenwriter tomorrow, that's the end game. But I can get a new job now that will take me to the next step that will take me to the next step that will eventually lead to me becoming a screenwriter and making Changing Tyde into a movie. And LIGHTS. Because I know that's what y'all want, right?! RIGHT!

So, today I sit on my bed in my room that is full of boxes I haven't unpacked. And won't unpack until I move again. And while I sit, I keep thinking about how awesome my life actually is. It's not where I want to be, but it's not a bad place to start from. This is only the beginning, peeps. Only the beginning.

And in honor of this moment, I will share with you a poem I wrote. It's for LIGHTS. And it's been published in a student journal at UVU. And has an odd resemblance to my life. Sort of. I'm not a dancer. Obviously. But, how many times do we come across something trying to hold us back? And we have to fight and in the end there's triumph and pirouettes. And sometimes those pirouettes are the cookies and not the dance move. Ha ha.

Shadow and a Dancer

Creeper creeps in

darkness and night.

Dancer twirls,

twists and turns

together in motion.

He hides behind

her watching, waiting.

turn. stop. lift. stop.

Seeing no one she

dances until dawn

when nothing remains.

Struggle and fight,

she pushes beyond

shadow falls

while light remains

triumph and pirouettes.  

A little LIGHTS for ya!!

It's been a crazy month, y'all. But really. I've been writing a ton. SO MUCH WRITING. Which is awesome. And I can't wait to share it with you. I can't share all of it, because...reasons...but I will share this little snippet of LIGHTS with you!!

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green fades to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door does stand out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot and the employees are as bored as usual. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of black, white and gray business apparel around until I look over the the corner and see Ian in his usual spot. He is wearing a button up shirt that is white with a blue pinstripe, the sleeves rolled up, yet still looking precise and sharp. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. I place my order with the Shay at the counter. I have seen her nearly every day for years, and yet I don't think she could pick me out of a crowd. 

Soooooo.....what did you think? Wanna let me know in the comments? That'd be AWESOME!! :)

ALL THE FEELS

We all know of my *slight* addiction to TV shows, especially those of the superhero variety. But dang. Seriously. It has been a rough go of my shows lately. The writers are killing people left and right. It's like Injustice: Year 1, Issue 16 when Dick Grayson is accidentally killed by Damian Wayne. In the midst of this huge battle between Batman and Superman and their respective teams a single moment stands out. and suddenly you're ugly crying to the point that you have to put your comic down because you can't read you're crying so hard.

That's been me watching my shows. So many character deaths. Ugh. I hate it. Some are short and quick, like on The Flash last week, and others have been awful and drawn out. #savehook. Writers. You're killing me. And the feels. Oh the feels. I hate trying to explain why I'm ugly crying over a show. *sob*sob* "you just don't get it! It was his dad! The only family he had left! *sob*sob* and now he's gone!!" more sobbing. more ugly crying. All over fictional characters. This is my life.

And then, there's the other aspects of my life. Job searching. It's the worst. I hate spending hours a day filling out applications to companies that aren't even going to email me to let me know they're not interested. I feel like my information just goes into a black hole of nothingness sometimes.

I actually applied for a job that would potentially lead to my dream job. I saw the listing about this time last Thursday night/Friday morning and applied for it. And now comes the waiting game. The constant worry that I might not even hear back from them. That somehow the awesomeness of my resume and writing sample will some how not impress whoever I sent it to. If they even look at it. And my dream job could easily slip through my fingers. I'm not saying this to be negative, I'm just saying this because it's consuming my soul and I'm tired of it consuming my soul. I'm just tired. And not just because it's 2:32 AM and I'm still awake after finishing this season of iZombie. It's more than that.

In light of my above little outburst of emotion, I have decided to share with you a poem that I wrote. This is me putting myself completely out in the open as a writer. I am not a poet by nature and I struggled hard core in my intermediate poetry class, and the following poem is the result. That semester I was hooked on LIGHTS and couldn't help but write, like, all of my poems about Emma, Ian and Donovan. So, this poem is called Starlit Dreams and it's from Emma's perspective after she's lost Ian:

Starlit Dreams

I watch for every flicker

lighting the corners of my

eyes, and into my imagination.

Each night as I sleep, I hope

beyond the truth, the seconds

trickle past and tease me. A broken watch

remains, last proof that he is real. An echo

of his rich laugh a fire and coals on a cold day.

His fingers slipped from my neck, pausing

briefly at the base, like a waterfall

pooling. Waiting, holding, hoping

that time does not move past

his eyes. Deep caverns with a spark of light

that guides the weary strangers. I

caress the memory of waking

up beside him, the sting of winter kept

away by the warmth of his smile.

I dream of silver trees next to

ocean breezes after a storm

with hope and starlit dreams.

I may have broken someone's heart yesterday and although I don't regret that I did it, I do hope that I didn't cause more damage than necessary. It's made me stop and think a lot about how we treat other people. A LOT of people that I care about in my life have given me a lot of advice on how I should approach things. I listened to them for a while, but when I'm alone, and especially after I've spent some time reading my scriptures and contemplating my life, I have come to realize a few things. First, that how I personally feels does, in fact, matter. Second, that although we should give everyone a really good chance, that doesn't always mean that things are going to go the way you or other people think they will. Third, don't waste people's time. I feel really bad about that one because I think I wasted more time than I should have. I should have been more direct, but I was worried I would hurt someone or not give them enough of a chance. Instead, I put it off a lot longer than I should have. Which happens. Ugh. Feelings. They're killing me, guys. You can't live with them, and you can't live without them. I kind of feel like Barry Allen on tonight's The Flash. There's a moment towards the end of the episode where there's a big reveal and he can't handle it anymore and he goes out into the hallway and just collapses on the ground and is sitting there with his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands and there's tears streaming down his face. He just couldn't handle the emotions anymore. That's me mentally. I'm beyond my breaking point emotionally. Which is what it is. And I'll find the strength along the way. But dang. ALL THE FEELS. I tell you what, they're not so bueno. 

3 Posts in 1 Week?! What the what?!

I know, I know, you're wishing I wouldn't have gotten back on the blogging bandwagon, BUT, I am trying to focus more on my writing and this is a good way for me to do that. I can talk to you, my dear readers, and talk through all of my problems. And give you random scraps of stuff that I write. Hehehe. I know you love ALL THE THINGS, right? Right.

So, without further ado, an excerpt of LIGHTS that I wrote today. This is when Emma and Ian are talking together. They've talked a couple of times, but still don't really know each other. It's still definitely a work in progress and this is soooo rough, but it gives you an idea. It's like a pre sketch if I were an artist with pencils and colors instead of words.

I walk briskly down the street to the hospital. I check my phone. It's nearly 9:00. I look in the coffee shop as I pass. Ian isn't in his spot. Just as I pass the doors, one of them swings open barely missing me.

“Sorry, mate! I didn't see-” Ian's panicked voice hits me before I actually see him. I stop and turn to see him walking, book in hand, the same direction I have stopped.

“Oh! Hi! Oh, no worries, you didn't hit me with the door.” I am surprised at the cheeriness in my own voice. As if I am excited to see Ian.

“That's a relief. I must have been walking absentmindedly.” He answers as I start to walk away. He starts walking the same direction. I give him a sideways glance. He notices and responds, “I work down here just a couple of blocks, where are you headed?” His reasoning is sound, I don't know why I momentarily freaked out when he started walking to same way as me.

“Oh, uh, just down here to Children's Memorial. They've had a busy morning, so I have to go in and see if I can help.”I am surprised by the ease I am in able to talk to him.

“Ah, A nurse? Doctor? Cafeteria worker?” He asks nonchalantly, and yet I feel so comfortable I momentarily forget that I really don't know him..

“Oh, I'm a doctor. I've been here for about three years now. It's the greatest job in the world. I love helping kids.”

“A kid doctor. That is impressive.” He says. I smile at his approval.

“Yeah, I lost my mom in a car accident as a kid and I was in the car too. The doctors that saved my life really changed the way I see the world and I wanted to be like them so I grew up and became a doctor.”

“You are a remarkable woman, Emma.” His words are rich and full of respect. I blush slightly at the admiration. Before I could respond, my phone went off again. It was work.

“Excuse me for just a second?” I ask. He nods as I turn to talk on the phone.

“False alarm, Emma. We've got it covered. We'll keep you posted if anything else happens.” Marques's deep voice tells me before I can get a word in.

“Okay, thanks. Definitely keep me posted. Okay, bye” I hang up the phone. Ian is glancing over at the horizon.

“Sorry about that. I guess they don't need me after all.”

“Is the child okay, I take it?”

“Oh. Oh, no, I help out in the ER from time to time if they get too slammed and need an extra pair of hands.”

“You just keep getting more and more impressive, don't you?” He winks at me.

“Thank you, but I just do what I can to help people. It's not anything to really take notice of.” Ian smiles and laughs lightly to himself. I ask, “What is it?”

“You just remind me of my girlfriend. Quite a lot, actually.” He has a girlfriend?

“Oh?” I say.

“She's a very kind and considerate person. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.” My curiosity was getting the best of me. I was so intrigued by this unknown woman who had his heart. I almost felt a little jealous.

“Tell me about her.” I state. I didn't even ask.

“She's beautiful. The kind of beauty that you come across once in a lifetime. Everything about her is beautiful. Her hair, her lips, her voice, the way that she walks, everything. I was drawn to her from the moment I saw her and have never looked back. She is my guardian angel. She guides me through the storms I face and pushes me to be the best version of myself.” He speaks with such confidence I feel a little intimidated by her. I also know doubt he has ever actually flirted with me. The way he talks about his love is unmistakable. It's almost like she there with him even though she's not.

“Where is she?” I ask.

“She's back home. I'm only out here for another few weeks. She came to visit a couple weeks ago. We've gone back and forth while I've been working here. Hopefully soon I can just work close to home and be with her. I think she'd like that too.” There was a slight falter in his words, as if he was hoping this would happen more than it being a sure thing.

“I hope that happens for you. Everyone deserves to be with the one they love.” I hoped these words would be true for him.

“Thank you. I hope that things work out with you and your boyfriend as well.” He sounded genuine, but I suddenly felt like my relationship with Trent was so small in comparison to Ian and his love.

“Ha. We are just starting out. We've only been together for about six months. We've only just started talking about moving in together. I mean we spend so much time together we might as well. I'm tired of the back and forth of his place and mine. I'd really rather just wake up next to him in the same place each night, you know?” I didn't even think about the words as I said them until I noticed Ian's expression. He tried to hide it, but it was almost a twinge of pain as I talked about moving in with Trent. I don't understand. I quickly change the subject.

“Any way, I better let you get to work. I should head back home. I've got a whole day to get back to.” I turn to leave.

“Emma, wait.” I stop as he says my name. I don't want to face him. I don't want to see the judgement in his eyes. He continues any way, “I just hope that you are truly happy. Regardless of what I may have said or not said, I hope you are happy. Truly. With all my heart I hope you find what you're looking for.”

“Thanks.” I whisper and as I turn to finally face him, he's gone. Not just down the street a ways, but completely gone. I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. What is going on? I look at my phone. It's 10:22. How can an hour and a half already have passed? I shake off the feeling of loss and disapproval that has snuck in and head back to my apartment.  

Sooooooo.......what did you think? That ended up being A LOT longer on here than it did on the page I was writing it on....weird. Any way, hit or miss? Or neither? I have no idea! I just know that I like where this is going. Because at the beginning you think it's a typical love story and then BAM I throw you into time and space and craziness and awesomeness and fighting and life and death type stuff. It's great. I love it. 

I'm NOT dead!!!

I thought I wrote a post or two this summer. Apparently I did not. Sorry about that. I feel like I write so infrequently that people have probably given up on me by now. To anyone still reading, thank you! You are truly a gem!

So, what's new with me? I started school again. This is the beginning of the end. It's kind of really scary. I moved home to save money, and have been writing up a storm. A lot of what I've been writing is really terrible, but has a lot of potential. This is the part of writing I dislike. The writing things out knowing that you're going to have to go back and rewrite it again. I know that in the end I'll be so happy with the result, but right now it's just hard to think about. All the work. All the edits. All the criticism. I try to not think about them and focus on the exciting beginning parts.

I wrote three stories on Thursday. In all three stories, someone dies. Apparently I am a killer, fictionally speaking.

I started a story about a girl who knows that she's unique and different than anyone else but has to hide who she is for a time because no one would understand who she is or how amazing she is. She's got super powers (because why not?!) and she meets a boy that looks like superman and they become friends. This is funny because she's the one with the super powers. ha ha. Here, I'll share a little bit of the story with you. It's a Flash Fiction piece, and it's a very very rough draft, but I hope you like it:

I was five. It was a Tuesday. Dad had just taken me to the comic book store. The newest Captain America comic had come out, so obviously I needed it. Mom never understood. Tuesdays were not her favorite days.

Dad's funeral was on a Tuesday. I remember because Mom took me to the comic book store after. I think she was trying to take my mind off of him dying, but she didn't realize that the whole trip permanently associated Tuesdays with Dad's funeral. She was a mess. Couldn't stop crying. No one could blame her. A widow at twenty eight with a freak for a daughter.

I was never like the other kids. Dad got that, Mom struggled. She always wanted the pretty little princess of a girl. I have always preferred comic books to fairy tales. This is really when my love for Tuesdays began. See, kids picked on me at school so the first Tuesday of my second grade year, Dad took me to the comic book store. Superman, Batman, Iron Man, all of them were there. I seemed to understand them, and they me. I drank them in like water on a hot day.

I grew up alone. Kind of like Spiderman; except without the radioactive spider bite. I was more like Superman in that I came by my “abilities” from birth.

My dad always told me that I was born with open eyes so I could take in everything. I still miss him sometimes. It's an odd sensation-missing someone. There's nothing you can do to see or hear from them again, and yet it's like they are just barely out of reach.

On this particular Tuesday, I was really missing Dad. I went to pick up the new Wolverine comic. Last weeks had been a cliffhanger and I was dying to know what happened. I walked in to the old store. It smelled like old books and cigarette smoke. A couple of kids played on the pinball machine. I saw Lenny, the owner.

“Hey kid. Come for the new one?” He sounded like he was from Brooklyn, which is funny because he grew up in Clevland.

“Yeah, you got it?” I asked, pretty sure of the answer.

“Is it Tuesday?” Was his response. Yes. It was Tuesday, most blessed of days. Lenny pulls it straight from the box and hands it to me. I hand over the cash with exact change. He counts it and laughs as he opens the register with a ding.

“I'll never understand how you do that.” He talks to me, but neither of us are actually paying attention to each other.

“It's a talent.” I say as an afterthought, completely engrossed in my new comic. I walk out the door without looking and run into something. My glasses go flying and I find myself sprawled on the ground, which has never happened to me before. I tend to be a little more on the Superman side in that aspect too.

“Hi, I'm Clark. I just moved here from Kansas.” He holds out his hand for me to shake. Is this guy for real?

“Hi, I'm Emi. I'm from here.” I say as I take his hand. We shake hands briefly and then he takes a step away to pick up my glasses. I put them back on, even though I don't need them and take him in. He's taller than me, has dark curl hair, I'm guessing his plaid shirt comes in several colors, and he probably owns them all. Before I get ahead of myself, I turn to him and say,

“So, Clark, how do you feel about Tuesdays?” A grin crosses his face.

“It's the best day of the week. Is that the new Wolverine comic?! I was just going to buy it!”

“Yes. And this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Clark. I just know it.”

..... ...... .....so..... ........ .......what did you think? It's jumpy, timeline wise, but I have a hard time staying in one place. Especially when I'm working on LIGHTS, which I currently am. Ah LIGHTS. Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE that story? Time travel, attractive men, fighting, drama. *sigh* it's just so fantastic. I love it. 

I rewrote the beginning of LIGHTS and have added so much to the story. It is so much better than what I started with. The idea behind it is so much deeper and broader. Oh my gosh, I love it. SO. MUCH. 

I also have an idea in my head of who I would like to play both Ian and Donnavan in the movie (because it's totally going to happen). And here they are:

This guy, here, is who I see playing Donnavan. Dark hair, kind of mysterious, totally capable of being a completely devious character that is out to destroy all that is good and light. Yep. I have found my Donnavan. His real name is Jackson Hurst and he is from the TV show Drop Dead Diva, which is a favorite of mine. Total guilty pleasure show. The ironic thing is he plays a really nice decent human being on that show and I want him to be the villain. I think he can do it. 

And this guy over here is who I picture playing Ian. I actually met him last weekend at Comic Con, and it was further proof that I was right in wanting to cast him. He is a genuinely nice person in real life, which is always a plus. He's from the TV show Arrow as the main guy, Oliver Queen. His real name is Stephen Amell. 

And I know what you're thinking, But Sooz, WHAT ABOUT TOM?!?!?!?!?! It is indeed a very good question. But I can't cast Tom Hiddleston in all my movies. That would get boring. 

Well, I hope you have a fantastic week! Or month! Or however long it takes for me to write again!! 

Accomplished

There is a God in Israel, my friends. I PASSED MATH. Hallelujah!!!!! I can't believe it!!! I'm so happy!!! AND, I got A's in my screenwriting and English classes! Such a fantastic way to end the semester!

So, for Screenwriting we had to write a feature length work. I decided to make LIGHTS a movie. It was amazing and challenging at the same time. I turned it in to my teacher and got 4 single spaced pages of critique back. I have a lot of things to work on, but I am very excited for the challenge to make my story even better!! I'm so glad that I have this summer to focus on writing! It's the best!!!

TA-DA!!

I haven't written in a while, and I hope you all will forgive me. I am actually supposed to be working on Math homework right now, but I was just sooo excited to be finished! I can't believe it! It is finished. I have finally finished an entire story. I finished my screenplay today. All 110 pages of it. Done. Finished. Complete. Amazing. Ah, such a relief!!!! I am so proud of myself for FINALLY finishing an entire story! I still have edits to do. Oh, the edits. It is really cheesy right now because it's a rough draft. Such a rough draft, BUT, it is a finished draft. Oh my gosh. I can't believe I finished it!!! And now that I've accomplished one, I will work on others until they are all done and I'll tell all the stories!!! HOORAY!!!

Let's all be excited. Time to go watch the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon episodes I've missed because I'm doing homework. TA-DA!!! YAY!

New Movie Idea

So, I have to write a 15 minute movie for my screen writing class and I had this GENIUS idea. What if I wrote the first scene of LIGHTS into a movie? Wouldn't that be AMAZING?!?!?! And the answer, obviously, is YES. ABSOLUTELY. UNDOUBTABLY. YES. So, as soon as I finish it, I will post it on here for you to catch an early glimpse. Ta-da! Be excited. I know you can't wait! It's going to LEGEN-WAIT-FOR-IT-DARY!!!! LEGENDARY!!!

I am the writer.

I have a teacher this semester that requests a response to each of the authors we study. She keeps telling us that we are the writers, so whatever we write is our response. We are the writers. We are the writers. I am the writer. I decided to test the limits with my Emily Dickinson response because I couldn't think of anything academic to say, I just kept seeing Emily and Ian and part of their story running through my head, so I decided to run with it! And here you go:

Soozee Carmichael

Emily Dickinson Response

February 9, 2013

As I read Emily Dickinson this time through, I kept having this story play through my mind as I read her words. I am not a poet at all, but I am a writer and I felt that I could best express my impression of Emily Dickinson's poetry through a story of my own. This is just an excerpt of what I saw in my mind, and much like her poetry, you will see only a tiny glimpse of a much broader idea. I feel that this story best captures my feelings of the poetry we read because it's a story that focuses on a ballerina named Emma who thinks that everything around her is real, but in reality everything she is seeing is false and the dream that she keeps having is real. She is actually married to the man in her dreams, but she has been taken and made to think that he never existed, thus making him just a dream to her. So she keeps seeing him in her mind and knowing that he is significant, but she has no way of knowing exactly how to get to him, or that he is real. I feel that there is a sense of longing and hopefulness in the midst of these poems that kind of remind me of what Emma is feeling. In some ways, I think Emma understands Emily Dickinson far better than I could. This story reminds me of Ms. Dickinson's poems specifically about eternity, nature and beauty. Not that the other poems we read don't apply, there are just several that really led me to write the excerpt below.

More Than Just A Dream

Sometimes I dream about him. And then I wake up alone and I reach out in between my dream and reality as if reaching for him will bring him closer to me. The dream is always the same. It starts out so happy and peaceful. We're having a picnic in this beautiful meadow with silver trees. The trees aren't entirely silver, they have veins of silver running through them. They're magical. And so is he. His messy perfect hair, his gorgeous eyes, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so loved. We are there laughing when the sky suddenly goes dark and a shadow passes over his face. He get up and he takes my hand. Its all very quick as he tries to get to safety, wherever that is.

Someone is following us. Stalking us. He keeps a firm grip on my hand and keeps looking back to make sure I'm still there. “Don't let go!” he keeps shouting as we run down a steep hill covered in jagged rocks. He looks at me, and then at his watch. He looks at me again and is saying something, but I can't understand him. Whatever is following us is getting closer. I can't see the creature-whatever it is, but I can tell it's getting close. I can feel it.

And then he's gone. My love has vanished and my hand falls to my side as I start to slow. I don't know where I'm going. And then everything goes dark and I wake up. I can't remember his name, and as soon as I wake up the details of his face start to fade. It's like there's something that doesn't want me to remember him. Whoever he is, he left me there, though. Alone. To face the darkness. But I still reach for him. And I realize that my twin bed wouldn't fit anyone but me any way. My hand reaches out for the love that isn't there and finds cold air of the frigid January morning in New York.

I get up and walk to the window, as if looking out will bring him closer to me. Absentmindedly, I play with the ring on my left hand. It doesn't mean anything to me, but I wear it any way. It catches every glimmer of light that is around. I twirl it around my finger over and over again without realizing I'm doing it. It's become a habit. I almost feel like it's supposed to remind me of something, but I can't think of what. And then I remember the man in my dreams. I don't know who he was, but it is as if our souls were attached, and we can't live without each other. But dreams are all that I have. I don't know what else to do, I know he doesn't exist. That much is never spoken, but understood in my mind.

My bookshelf stood beside my window. An old black book caught my eye, I picked it up. It was the complete works of Emily Dickinson. I had always loved her poetry. The way that they stood out from the ordinary and brought a darker shadow to the ordinary. I somehow felt that she understood my life and the craziness that I felt each day as I awoke from the same dream; as if my reality was just out of reach. I opened the pages and read the first poem I came to:

13

Sleep is supposed to be

By souls of sanity

The shutting of the eye.

Sleep is the station grand

Down which, on either hand

The hosts of witness stand!

Morn is supposed to be

By people of degree

The breaking of the Day.

Morning has not occurred!

That shall Aurora be —

East of Eternity —

One with the banner gay —

One in the red array —

That is the break of Day!

“Emma?” I hear my name from behind me. I turn and see Nikki standing in my doorway. Our apartment is small, and I'm sure she heard me in my sleep again.

“Sorry, was I talking in my sleep again?” This was becoming a nightly occurrence.

“No, but I heard you get up and wanted to make sure you were alright. How did you sleep? Did you have the dream again?” Nikki looked concerned, again. She had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. She knew everything about me.

“Yeah, I did. It's always the same. The same guy, the same place, the same darkness chasing us. I wish I knew what it meant.” I closed the book that spoke directly to my soul, putting all of my thoughts, doubts and fears onto paper. As I placed it back on the shelf I turned to Nikki,

“Maybe it's better if you don't.” I turned back to the window and watched the people rushing through the rain below us. I didn't want to ignore these dreams. They meant something. I just didn't know what.

“He's not real, Em. There's no one that could be that perfect. And, I don't know of anywhere that has silver trees. So, it's all in your fantastic imagination. Now lets go, we have rehearsal in like 35 minutes and I'm pretty sure that it's going to be a really long rehearsal since we've only got three days until the show opens. Too bad not everyone has their part down like you do.” It was true, ballet had come naturally to me. I was the prima ballerina in the New York City Ballet. You don't just wake up in that position. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication. I had given up everything to achieve this dream. Nothing was going to stand in my way.

I got ready quickly and we rushed over to the studio. We were the last ones there. We joined in with everyone else warming up and before I knew it, we were in the midst of running through the entire performance. Something odd had been going on, and I couldn't quite figure out how to explain it. My dance partner's name was David, and although he was incredibly talented, I felt like I had never danced with him before in my life. He was more rigid than necessary and we didn't exactly flow well together. There was something off about the way we danced. I also kept calling him Marques, which was odd. There were so many unexplained oddities in my life. I felt like I was living in a dream and that nothing was real. But how can reality not be real? How can everything I see in front of me and feel and do and touch be false?  

And then they all died. It was sad. I ugly cried. It was horrible.

     I feel like all of my favorite shows are killing off main characters. I hate it when they do this. Downton Abbey being at the top of the list. SERIOUSLY GUYS, what's wrong with you writers?!?!?!!?  Stop the hate! Stop the killing!! Just let my characters live and give them drama some other way!!!!!! At least Sherlock isn't *actually* dead. But seriously. Stop the dying-ness peoples! Maybe I'll just become a screenwriter so that I have a say in who lives and who dies!!
I told myself I HAD to work on homework today...right now, in fact....so, of course I'm writing on my blog instead. Obviously. I've been thinking a lot about life lately. What I want, where I'm going, what I want out of it, you know, the usual questions. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but every year around my birthday I write a letter to my future husband. Sounds odd, I'm sure, but it's kind of a marker for me to check back and see where I've come from and what I hope for in the future. Any way, I started this year's letter back in January and didn't finish it. I picked it back up this last weekend and finished it without reading the beginning, then I went back and read the whole thing. I surprised myself quite a bit. The first part of my letter was really sad. Like really sad. I think I was freaking out about being 28 and not married (and if anyone reading this isn't LDS, or from Utah, you probably don't see that as a bad thing) and I kind of wrote it out in a letter. But then, this last weekend (and the last few weeks) I have just been really positive and LOVING life and looking forward to some huge new changes ahead for me. And so I wrote those out in my letter too and it was really surprising to me that I have been really down lately. I hadn't really noticed.
     Any way, yeah, life-it's getting better. I have been working on LIGHTS a lot lately and I am so in love with Ian and Emma and their relationship. I'm going to take them to the very edge, though. I'm going to make them question everything and they're going to have to rely on each other and hope that somehow they don't die and make it out together. I think that this is the best way for me to solidify how much they care about each other. Also, it adds the drama needed to promote a story. Because what is a story without an issue or drama? A boring sugar coated story that is hard to relate to, because we all have problems. We do, it's just the way things work. So, don't hate me when you think Ian is dead or Emma has forgotten about him. It'll be okay, I promise. Trust me, I'm the writer :)
     In other news, I have been baking up a storm lately and I have to say that I am so proud of myself when I finish a project whether its baking or sewing or writing. I love creating things, and I love accomplishing them too! It's awesome!! I'll post pictures soon. Because they're fantastic!!!
     Um....I think that is about it. Life is GREAT!!! I love writing and baking and everything about my life right now. I'm working on some things that I'll blog about later, but for now, I'm doing good and hope you are too!!!

Soozee's Obsessions (or as I often say in reference to them, Sorry, K?)

I can sometimes become easily addicted to things. Lately they are usually of a British fashion and generally on TV. As I previously mentioned, I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was so fantastic!!! And my cake. Oh, my cake. It was AMAZING thanks to my sister in law who did most of the work on it. I helped a little, mostly in the placing of characters (so the universe wouldn't end by having three different doctors in the same place at the same time.) and getting the colors just write (TARDIS blue is a bit tricky...) any way, instead of writing up a whole blog about it, my sister in law did and she put it in so much better words than I ever could. Check it out here. You won't regret it, I promise!

So, I love Doctor Who, we all know that. I think the entire world knows that I like Doctor Who. It's a fantastic show and I've seen all the episodes from the 2005 reboot to present. That's a lot when I think about it.

 I also recently watched another British show that I had heard a lot about. It's called Merlin.
 And I kind of fell in love with it. There's 5 seasons in total, the show just ended and I watched them all in about 2 weeks. No, my grades aren't suffering because of it...yet. BUT, I finished it the night before last and although I love the show it was over, and the end of things always brings a twinge of sadness with it, even if the story ends happy. It ends. And I don't like endings. Because then there's no more. It's gone. And that is always a little bit sad.

Having said that, I will tell you this about Merlin, it follows Prince/King Arthur in Camelot and the knights of the round table, only the story begins when both Merlin and Arthur are young and they kind of grow up together. At the beginning Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon has outlawed magic, which is bad because Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the face of the Earth.

 There's your opening to the story. I think we all know the ill fated story of Arthur and Guinevere and Lancelot and all that garbage in the original story, but that is why I love this show so much. They don't have any of the smuttyness that is in the original story. They keep the characters strong and true to the values that they originally stood for. Arthur remains strong and true to his kingdom and his people. Guinevere doesn't betray him and stays faithful to him. And Lancelot is a really cool guy. At first I didn't want to like him, but then something happened and I was like "okay, I can like him" and yeah...now it's over. But it is a good show.

I can honestly say I have not literally laughed out loud so much watching a show in a really really long time. The writers are geniuses and the banter between Arthur and Merlin is so funny. I really really liked it (obviously). And the guy that plays Arthur (Bradley James) is kind of the type of guy that I see Ian as from my story Lights. If I ever finish that book, and if it ever gets published, and if everyone loves it enough that they make it into a movie, I'm going to petition that if he's not to old by the time all this happens, that he plays Ian, because I think that would be brilliant. That's a lot of if's, I know, but when you dream, dream big, right?

Best Day EVER!!!!

So, I'm a couple of days late on writing this, but it was my birthday, so I assume you will all forgive me. If not, that's dumb. It's my birthday....or it was two days ago. Any way....it was my BIRTHDAY!!! I love my birthday! It's such a FABULOUS day!!!! I am actually going to post again when the write up about my cake goes live in the next few days, but lets just say that my cake was very me this year. Yeah, and it was AWESOME. the end. Oh, and Logan didn't come over when I invited friends over. But that's okay. I really didn't think he would, and that's okay. Liam, on the other hand, has been really really sweet lately; which isn't entirely unusual for him, it just seems a little bit more than usual. I don't know what is going on there.
    Any way, last week Tango and I went to see Ellie Goulding in Salt Lake, and before you think to yourself  'who on Earth is Ellie Goulding???' here is the song most of you have heard of hers:

and now I'm guessing your next thought is "Um....Soozee....that was kind of a weird music video...." yeah, I know, but it's a me and Tango thing. AND, that's what he got me for Christmas. AND, it was a lot of fun. Other than the stupid guy a few rows in front of us that kept jumping up and down right in front of me........I don't like to be touched (then why did I go to a concert?!?!?!) and there was soooo many people there. It was insane, and that guy kept blocking my view. I really wanted to throw something at him, but that would have caused a riot, and I didn't want that. SO, I enjoyed the concert and made fun of the drunk people. Plus, I went with Tango and that was a lot of fun. He and I don't usually go do stuff just the two of us outside of work, so it was just a fun night. Full of fog...that was scary. But we survived. And it really was sooo much fun! She is really really good live. Like, she sounds like she did in the video; only it was in real life. Crazy.

Before we went to the concert, we were meeting up with Tex and his wife (I don't think I've mentioned her before, lets call her Maddie) So, Tex and Maddie live in Salt Lake and we were going to meet up for dinner. So, we met them at their apartment and all headed over to the restaurant  and Maddie was like "Our table is over here" and I was just thinking she had called ahead or something, so we follow her and when we get to the back of the restaurant, there's a big group of people at the tables. I was a little curious, and then I realized that I knew a bunch of these people! Liam was there, along with a couple of other friends! It was so crazy, I was soooo surprised! Maddie had planned a surprise party for both Tex and I (because Tex's birthday is the day before mine) and had invited all of our friends! It was so awesome! And she made me this book and had asked a bunch of my friends and my parents to write in it. It was super cute! She is so sweet! She and I have become best friends over the last few months, and she is just so awesome! It was a crazy weekend last weekend.

Oh! And before I went to dinner (you're getting the events backwards, but I'm sure you'll figure it all out in the end!), I went to lunch with one of my oldest friends. she told me she had gotten me a present and to close my eyes so she could give it to me. We were standing outside her bedroom and she opened the door to her bedroom and told me to open my eyes. I did, and there stood a life size cardboard cut out of David Tennant as The Doctor on Doctor Who!!!!!! I was speechless and could not move! It was crazy! He now resides in my room, and scares me to death every once in a while when I forget he's there. It's kind of scary to walk in and a tall looming figure is in your room. And then you realize he's flat and then you remember he's the Doctor and it would never be a bad thing to run into him. So yeah, that was my birthday pre-weekend. It was a lot of fun!!! 

1/1/13...that's a lot of 1s

Oh my gosh, I'm so tired. I hit 4 different parties last night. Got home around 3, slept in a bit and I am still thinking that is NEVER happening again. Too much running around. BUT, it was great to see so many people! I also saw a really fantastic fireworks show put on by my pyro of a brother. He was like a little kid on Christmas morning. Okay, maybe not THAT excited, but I know he had fun, and I had fun watching them all go off.
    Christmas was amazing! It was just super great! I got some really awesome presents and got to spend time with my amazing family. Also, I thought my car had died, but it didn't!!!! That was STUPENDOUS!! A quick fix and my good little Logan car is back on his feet!...or tires?? But yeah, he's fine and I'm back to the freedom having a car permits.
     It's 2013. That's crazy. I enter this new year with high hopes and hopefully big plans. School, of course, is part of that plan. I also want to finish either Lights, or Changing Tyde. Either one would be fabulous. I'd like to get the ball rolling on that whole dream. I also am kind of hoping Dean Carmichael shows up sometime. That would be amazing. BUT, he might not come this year, or ever (and I can hear the protests about me being young and all that....) I know that when I turn 28 in about a month doesn't make me that old, and there is definitely still hope that I will get married, but it might not happen, and if it doesn't, I'm still going to have an AMAZING life. Focused on the goals I have regardless of my marital status.
    A good friend of mine blogged about Plan A and Plan B and starting to focus on Plan B because Plan A doesn't look like it's going to work out and how hard it is to give up on the plan you really wanted for one you just set aside in case. I have felt this way MANY times. And I love this dear friend so much!!
    One thing I love about last summer was that I spent the summer focusing on me and what I really wanted in life and I set goals and plans that I like to call my Plan AB. I am going to accomplish these plans and goals whether or not Dean comes around. He might be super busy right now, and maybe he died in the war in heaven, you know? I can't spend the rest of my life wishing him here, because that obviously doesn't work. ha ha.
    But, it is hard at times when it seems everyone who had even the slightest possibility of a relationship is now engaged. A couple of weeks ago every day Facebook informed me of a different friend that had just gotten engaged. I really started to avoid social networking for a while. This next year is going to be really awesome, or really really depressing. I think I'll go back to avoiding wedding receptions. Sometimes, it's just easier that way.
    Now that I have successfully brought down the mood of my blog....Um, I have been working a lot on LIGHTS lately and I fall more and more in love with those characters the more I write them into existence. Ian and Emma are such amazing and beautiful people. They are both such strong fighters, which is good because I am going to put them through quite the journey. I can see that story turning into a series, which will be awesome. I am so excited. I stay up late and write sometimes. I can't help it!!! I love it so much!!!!

...and for your reading pleasure...

I know its been a while since I posted...November...what can I say? Its always a rough month! Any way, I had this idea for a story a while back and have been playing with it. In the first chapter the main character, Emmalee, meets this intriguing guy named Ian. Here is what she first sees: I had never seen anyone quite like him. There was an air about him that pulled me in. He was charismatic without speaking. He was twenty feet away and I couldn't comprehend anything beyond this moment. He was tall, at least 6' 2". He had sandy blonde hair that was organized chaos. His green eyes caught every fleck of light which made them shine so brightly. The only thing that could have been brighter was his smile. It was a knowing, teasing smile that was like a magnet. His clothing was well fitted. From his white with a blue pin stripe running down it to his well tailored khakis. He had rolled up the long sleeves of his shirt which I generally would have scoffed at, but he made it look so good. On his right hand he wore a ring. At first it looked simple, but I noticed it was catching each fleck of light around as his hand moved. It had the strangest effect on me; I wanted to see it more closely. His watch also caught the same light from his left wrist. It's definitely a work in progress, but hopefully you caught a glimpse of him. I love Ian. He's so awesome. He's got so much mystery about him that you're always wanting to know more and more about him, but he won't tell you. It's a secret. And Emmalee is a dancer. A really really good dancer. She does ballet. She's ridiculously good at it. And then she meets Ian and her whole world changes. I've got a working title of "Lights" for it. And I love it. I'm also gradually putting together a playlist that I listen to while writing it. I'll share it with you soon! Any way, I have 3 8-10 page papers due by next week, so you probably won't hear from me until Christmas and I will tell you a story! A real story from my actual real life!! YAY!!!!