Here is a little glimpse of the beginning:
Chapter
1 – Jason
Three months. Four
days. Sixteen hours. Twelve minutes. Since the last time I saw my
daughter. Not that I actually wanted her to see me like this. But
she's my kid. I should clean up my life. But I also really like the
way I feel after I drink. Or, how I don't feel. Anything.
Before I open my
eyes, I know I'm on the floor. The smell of the carpet is all around
me. I feel the rough texture of it on my face. This isn't the first
time I've woken up here. It's become too much of a habit lately. I
open my eyes, take in the living room. Everything is in it's place.
The couches on either side of me, the coffee table right about me.
The TV at my feet. Why didn't I go upstairs to my bed? I don't
remember much about last night. I don't remember coming home. I went
to my bar. I think Drew was with me. And that chick was there. She's
been there a lot lately. There's something about her. She is totally
plastic, which a lot of guys at that bar like. She might have come
over and talked to me last night? I vaguely remember something about
that. Man, my head hurts. But not as bad as last week.
I stand up and look
around the room. My shirt is on the couch. I look down to make sure I
am still wearing some clothes. Just my shirt is missing. I check my
pockets for my phone. It's dead. I walk into the kitchen and find my
charger plugged into the wall on the counter. As it turns on again,
the stupid chime from it is insanely loud. I walk across the kitchen
to the cupboard and pull out some pain killers and a glass. Even the
small creek from the cupboard seems to be amplified. I lean against
the island in the middle of my kitchen, grateful for the cold coming
off the granite counter top.
The ocean waves,
though distant, make a terrible noise. The tide must be high, I can't
usually hear the waves this well. I look out the back doors to the
beach. I was right, the tide is high, and there are people running
back, forth having fun in the water. I want them to die. Happiness is
such a ridiculous idea. It never lasts. It only leads to misery.
I pop the pills
into my mouth and wash them down with the water. My phone screeches,
letting me know there's a message. I stumble back over, turning the
volume off and seeing a voice mail. It's from Drew. His message is
brief and to the point. He dropped me off last night. My car is still
at his place. He'll be back around noon. Got it. I look at the time
as I delete the message. It's nearly noon now.
I notice a few
texts from my manager. All caps. Never a good sign. I ignore them and
snuggle back to the living room. There's a knock at the door. I walk
slowly over to answer it, not caring who it is, or how long it takes
me to get there. I open the door slowly and see Drew standing there
ready to call me. He doesn't look happy.
“Rough night?”
he asks. I don't say anything, just nod. I close the door behind him.
“Thanks for
bringing me home.” I say to him. He nods. He's got something on his
mind. Drew is my oldest friend. We were roommates in college. I watch
him pace back and forth across the living room floor. He walks over
to the couch and sits on the arm. I collapse on the other couch
facing him. The silence is is almost louder than the ocean as I wait
for him to say something.
“Jason. Listen.”
He starts. I interrupt him,
“I know what
you're going to say.” My words are a little more slurred than I had
hoped for.
“No, you don't.
Listen. If you don't stop getting completely wasted and passing out
in random public places you can kiss your career goodbye. Phil called
me this morning.” He states. Phil knew if he couldn't get a hold of
me, Drew could.
“What did he
say?” I ask.
“The blonde from
last night? Brooke hired her to follow you around. She posted some
pics. They've gone viral. Phil says that both Anderson and Peters
pulled out.” He looks worried. Maybe I should be worried. But
mostly my head hurts and I don't want to think.
“Anderson and
Peters were just small roles any way. I'll be fine.” I respond,
letting the worry roll off my shoulders. Drew is getting more
frustrated with me.
“Jace, you can't
keep blowing off jobs. This blonde chick really did a number. Phil is
fuming, and he has every right to be. You are shooting yourself in
the foot. And for what? Because Brooke ended up not being the girl
you wanted her to be? Jace, you knew who she was when you married
her. But you let yourself belie-” I stopped him there.
“Let's not talk
about Brooke. Let's not talk about last night. My head is killing me
and I just want to sleep. Can we talk about this later?” I ask.
“The more you put
this off, the less likely there will be a 'later' for you to get to.
Go clean yourself up. You have a meeting in LA in four hours. I told
Phil I'd get you there myself.” He says, angrily.
“You shouldn't
have promised him. There's no way I'll be there in time.” I say.
Everything is out of focus. The colors all kind of blur together as
my head pulses with pain. I close my eyes tightly hoping it will
help, but it doesn't.
“Get upstairs, take a shower and get ready for your
meeting. I am not leaving here until you are ready to go.” Drew
yells, on purpose. I reluctantly stand, punch him in the arm, and
head upstairs to my bedroom.
Chapter 2 - Kyla
I didn't think about how hard it was
going to be to pack up my apartment. I moved quite frequently through
out my college experience, this should be a piece of cake. But this
time was harder than any of the other times. Everything I touched had
a memory with him attached to it. I found myself reliving the last
three years over and over again, each item bringing the pain in a new
light. At this rate, I'll never get packed in time.
I finish packing the last box in the
living room. I need to be packed and ready to go in three days. I
look around my still mostly full apartment and feel defeated. I tape
up the box and set in on top of the others labeled with a thick black
sharpie. I look to the half packed kitchen and don't even want to
think about the bedroom. I've avoided the bedroom more than anything
else. The memories that room holds will be worse than the rest.
It's just a one bedroom apartment. It
shouldn't be this difficult. And yet, I've been packing for a month.
Or, avoiding the packing for a month. I pick up another box,
determined to tackle the kitchen tonight when my phone buzzes to life
on the counter top next to the sink. It's my best friend and former
roommate Shannon. I answer it.
“Hey! I was just calling to see if
you needed any help yet?” She sounds cheerfully cautious.
“I thought I could do this by myself,
but I think I've hit the point where I need some help. When are you
free?” I ask, frustrated. But before I can even finish the
question, there's a knock at the door. I walk over and open the door
as Shannon ends the call and looks up at me.
“I'm glad you're willing to let me
help because I was going to help whether you wanted it or not.” She
informs me with all the sass that her southern drawl implies. I hug
her, feeling like I might not fall completely apart with her here.
“Thank you, Shan. Ugh. I odn't know
what I was thinking.” I tell her.
“You were thinking that you could
whip this all out in a day and a half like all the times we moved
from one apartment to the next. But this isn't like all the other
times.” She states, and I know she's right.
“I just get frustrated so easily.
I'll be packing a box in the kitchen and before I know it, I'm ugly
crying over a skillet Nick's mom gave me at my bridal shower. It's so
depressing. Are you sure you want to help?” I ask.
“I'm sure I want to help. What is the
hardest for you to pack?” She asks, looking around at the progress
I have made.
“I finished the living room, I was
just about to start on the kitchen again. I haven't really touched
the bedroom. I've kind of avoided that one the most. Do you want to
work on the kitchen and I'll try working on the bedroom?” I try
sounding optimistic and determined. Shannon just smiles at me and
wraps an arm around me,
“How about we do the bedroom
together?” She asks with an optimism I lost a long time ago. I nod
and we head over to the bedroom.
It's not that I have a lot of stuff in
my bedroom, it's just that was the last place I saw Nick. It's where
we slept each night and where we talked for hours about our future. I
had gotten rid of most of his stuff, but there were still memories
everywhere I looked.
We had moved into this apartment as
newlyweds and now I was leaving everything behind. Shannon started
taking all of my clothes out of the closet and putting them in a box.
She probably would have done the whole thing if I let her. But I
couldn't let her do that, so I grabbed a box and started going
through my drawers.
“Would you believe that I've already
gone through everything in here, like, three times?” I say with a
slight smile as I find pictures from my first date with Nick. I hold
up the picture to show Shannon, “Remember this night?”
“How could I forget? You were so
smitten by him. You couldn't stop talking about him. Which was
hilarious because you swore you didn't like him.”Shannon reminds
me. I laugh a little and put the pictures in a box.
“He caught me off guard. I wasn't
supposed to meet anyone that semester.”
“And yet, the universe and Nick had
other plans.” She responds. I laugh a little at the memories and
keep going. Within an hour my bedroom is completely packed and we
head to the kitchen.
I sit down at the table to rest for a
minute. Shannon grabs a couple bottles of water out of the fridge for
us and sits across from me.
“Was that easier?” She asks. I nod.
“I don't think I could have done that
without you. Thanks.” I open the water and take a drink.
“I'm so glad. Is the kitchen all
that's left?” She asks looking around.
“Yeah, pretty much. And it's half way
there. The moving truck will be tomorrow. Leo and Mark are going down
with me to help me move in down there and then they're flying back on
Saturday. This is all happening so fast.”
“I know. I can't believe you're
actually leaving me. What am I going to do without you?” She
teases.
“Come visit me. I don't have a huge
apartment, but I do have a couch. And I'm not far from the beach!”
I tell her.
“Fine. You win. I'll be here tomorrow
to help you load the truck.” She looks at me with concern. This
isn't new. Everyone's looked at me like that for a year. It's what
happens when your whole life gets turned upside down and you're left
scrambling to put the pieces back together. It's how I look at myself
in the mirror each morning.
Chapter
3- Jason
It felt like the
meeting lasted for days. My head is still pounding and everyone seems
to be talking extremely loud. I keep checking my phone, not for a
notification, but to watch the minutes pass by.
“Are we boring
you, Mr. Tyde?” Mr. Jacobson asks. I look up to everyone staring at
me. Phil looks the most angry.
“No. No, I am
so sorry, Sir. Please, go on. You have my full attention.” I reply.
I pay attention as he explains a couple of different roles. Drew is
actually paying attention. Hopefully he'll be willing to fill me in
later. I wonder if it might be possible to fall asleep with your eyes
open. I need to look in to that.
“Thank you,
gentleman. Let us know what you think of the scripts and we'll talk
in a few days.” Mr. Jacobson shakes Drew's hand with a smile and
then turns to me. He is not amused. I shake his hand any way and turn
to leave. Once outside Drew decides to give me a piece of his mind.
“Was that
necessary?” He asks.
“You dragged
me down here. I told you I didn't want to come.” I reply.
“Funny. I am
just looking out for you because you're my friend. I don't even know
why I bother.” He pauses for a moment and is about to continue when
we are interrupted.
“Daddy!
Daddy!” A small beautiful voice breaks through the conversation as
Olivia, my daughter, comes running up to me. I hesitate at first,
fearing that she will see me for what I really am, but as I kneel
down and she runs into my arms, I feel her little arms wrap around my
neck and for a second I don't feel as broken.
“Hey princess.
What are you doing down here?” I ask while looking for her nanny,
or-heaven forbid-her mother.
“Mommy had a
meeting, so we went to the park to play!” She exclaims. The simple
joy in her eyes reminds me why I have been keeping my distance
lately.
“That sounds
like fun! Who did you go with? Is mommy here?” I ask, internally
cringing at calling Brooke “mommy”. She's a whole slew of other
words I dare not speak in front of my innocent daughter.
“Mommy had to
go back to work. Anna took me to the park!” Every word out of her
mouth is an exclamation with joy and excitement. She looks deep into
my eyes, as if she is trying to figure something out. She puts her
index finger on her chin as if she is deep in thought as she
continues to peer into my eyes. I look away from her dark brown eyes,
her bangs falling in disarray across her face. She tries to push it
back, but it falls right where it was. I gently tuck it behind her
ear so it stays in place.
“Daddy. You
seem sad. Why are you sad, Daddy?” She states the question as fact.
She's right.
“I'm only sad
that I don't get to see you as often as I'd like.” I tell her,
which is half of the truth. She ponders my answer for a minute. She
throws both arms in the air as high as her hands will stretch.
“I know!”
she exclaims, “You can go to the zoo with us tomorrow! The zoo is
always happy!”
“I can't
tomorrow, honey. I'm sorry. I'll be back at the beach then.” I tell
her, and immediately I regret it. She looks disappointed.
“Oh. Okay.
Next time.” she trails off at the end. She starts to look around.
Probably for the nanny. I shouldn't have told her I was leaving
again. I knew it would make her sad, and I did it any way. What kind
of father am I?
“Maybe you can
come visit me at the beach sometime.” I tell her. I didn't notice
Anna approach, but she clears her throat and both Olivia and I look
over at her.
“I don't think
that's such a good idea. Brooke has a very busy schedule for Olivia.”
She says as she walks over and reaches to take Olivia from me. Olivia
clings to my neck tightly. I gently rub her back until she lets go.
As she pulls back, I see tears in her eyes.
“Please. Don't
go, Daddy. I miss you.” She sniffles and wipes her nose on her
sleeve. Anna stands next to us impatiently tapping the toe of her
shoe. I ignore her and gently wipe the tears from my daughter's eyes.
“It'll be
okay, princess. I won't be gone as long this time. And I will come
visit you, okay?” I say.
“Promise?”
Olivia asks.
“Promise.” I
tell her. She gives me one more hug before she reluctantly joins Anna
and they start to walk away. Anna stops, then turns and looks at me.
She wants to say something, but then shakes her head and continues to
walk away holding Olivia's hand. Olivia looks back several times to
wave goodbye. I wave back each time until they turn the corner. I see
Drew still standing there.
It's not until
this moment when I see the way Olivia looks at me that I feel like a
monster. Not the kind that scares little kids at night, but the kind
that destroys everything around them and hurts those they love the
most.
“She really
loves you.” Drew states. I look up at him and realize he just stood
there silently for the whole conversation. I forgot he was there.
“I know. And I
don't deserve it.” I reply.
“No. You don't. But you have
it. And that little girl needs her father. Don't screw it up.” He
says and starts to walk away.