Christmas is rough sometimes, you know? And I hate being that person that's like "Christmas is hard because..." when in general I power through the season relatively well. The actual holiday itself when my huge family gets together and everyone is talking about their own families and what their kids are up to can be hard sometimes. Two years ago was probably the hardest because I had been graduated from college for a year and had spent the year sending out hundreds of resumes and filling out thousands of applications and had absolutely nothing to show for it.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family that genuinely does care about me. I know they love me, but it's the nature of being single during the holidays. It's bound to happen. And I've learned to accept this and move on.

This year, however, has been hard. Not because I'm still single and alone at Christmas, but just little things that have built up over the past few months and then this week over nothing too serious I just kind of lost it a little bit. I was extremely frustrated over the situation I found myself in. I am behind on Christmas projects and I've got a million worries and frustrations trailing behind me. And Heaven hasn't been quite as vocal as I'd like. In short, I have felt alone the entire month and have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I ended up talking to a good friend yesterday about all of this. I told him about the frustrating situation this week and how I had yelled at God over it. He laughed a little and said "I don't know why, but I like the image of you yelling at God," and then he paused and said something that really hit me. He said, "but isn't that what we're supposed to do? Tell God everything. Get it all out and put it in His hands. How can we expect to receive guidance if we don't tell him the problem?"

This Christmas season has been full of good things, as well as stressful things too. This conversation with my friend was exactly what I needed to start letting go of the stress I've been gripping with white knuckles, worried other people would know my worries and judge me, or worse, try to fix them. I am terrible at asking for help. Last week in a moment of doubt and frustration, I typed out a text message for a friend asking for help and then didn't send it because I told myself she was already dealing with so many other things in her life I didn't want to be another burden.

I think too often we worry we will be a burden to others so we keep to ourselves instead of asking for help and allowing others to be that help and guidance that we need. I'm still learning that one. I'm still learning a lot of things. But I am especially grateful for the opportunities I have to learn. To become better. To work harder. I am not a patient person, not really. I have learned to accept that things will not happen on my timetable, but that doesn't mean I am okay with it in my head. Reaching the lovely age of 33 as a single woman as taught me a lot of things. The most important is that I absolutely can not live this life alone. I have to trust in God and my Savior if I want to succeed. And I have seen so much success! I have a book that will be published (eventually)! I have an amazing group of friends, some of whom have literally drop everything to help me. I've got a great family that loves me and cares about me. All of these wonderful blessings have come from praying and listening.

How does this all tie into Christmas? Well, like I said before, I don't want to be one of those people telling you how hard Christmas is, I want to be one of those people to help you see how wonderful Christmas is despite whatever challenges you face. Are you feeling {insert specific struggle here}? Christ understands. He truly does. And this is a time of year to celebrate Him. So when things get really lonely and quiet, pour your heart and soul into learning more about His life. Read the Christmas story. Focus on him. It'll help. I promise. I've faced so many challenges in the months of November and December, it's not even a joke anymore. But you're not alone, not really.  Thanks to a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. Thanks to a Savior who put all of us before himself. A brother who took all of our pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind so that He might succor us. A friend who wants nothing more than to wipe away the tears from our eyes.

Sometimes Knights in Shining Armor are Mountain Climbers in Jeeps

It's been a while, I know. That's my bad. That's all on me. I've been busy. I've also had writer's block. And before you give me a million things I could have done to get over writer's block, I should probably explain that it wasn't a lack of story or desire that blocked me, but realizing I actually had some really serious personal issues to work through before I could wholeheartedly write. That's why I was blocked. And no amount of writing or forcing of anything was going to break through the personal struggles I am still dealing with.

But, this is not why I'm writing today. I've had a lot on my mind the last 24 hours and writing is one of the ways I express my emotions best. A friend of mine is missing. He went to climb a mountain on Wednesday night and hasn't been seen or heard from since. Granted, I haven't talked to him in about two-ish years, but let me tell you why I've been thinking about Derrik the last few days.

Derrik is an amazing person. I met him when I was in college and he was friends with one of my roommates. We lived on the third floor and he would climb up to our balcony to come for a visit. As a reward, we'd give him an otter pop. But that's not why I appreciated Derrik. One Sunday night I was baking, which I did often, and he stopped by to see my roommate who wasn't home. I was listening to a movie in the living room very loudly and the buzzer in the kitchen went off just as he knocked on the door. I opened it in passing and hollered to come in as I walked back to the kitchen to pull out a fresh batch of rolls. He walked in and asked if my roommate was home and when I told him she wasn't and offered him a roll, he sat down at our table and we talked for about an hour. Because that's who Derrik was. He was a friend to everyone and loved talking to people.

After that first encounter, he would often leave notes saying hi or bye if I wasn't around when he came by. It always made my day brighter when he stopped by. And I appreciated the times he did stop by and we chatted for a few minutes. More than once he stopped by on particularly hard days when I just needed a friend. I know that he was the answer to several prayers through a particularly rough few months.

All of this led up to my favorite memory of Derrik, though. I went to a church meeting that I was not looking forward to. It was a huge meeting for thousands of young single adult members of my church. I had seriously considered just skipping it. No one would have known I didn't go. But I felt like I should and the twenty-minute drive there was spent praying that I wouldn't have to go or that I wouldn't have to be alone.

I kept telling myself that if I couldn't easily find parking, I wouldn't stay, but then I found a perfect spot. Then I told myself that if I had to walk in alone, I would just leave, but as I said that a jeep pulled in next to my car and Derrik popped out and asked if he could walk with me. Once in the building, we parted ways and I walked into the auditorium filled as far as I could see with people. And not a single easily accessible seat. I am six feet tall and for whatever reason, I wore 3-inch heels that day. Everywhere I looked I just saw people staring at me like an idiot and I couldn't do it. So I turned around to leave and as I got out to the hallway leading to the outside doors, I ran into Derrik. He smiled at me and told me I was going to come sit with him. I really hoped he didn't see the tears that slipped from my eyes that day. I wasn't crying because for a moment I had never felt more alone. I was crying because once again Derrik had shown up just at the right time and was the exact person I needed.

And so, for all of these reasons and so many more, my heart breaks tonight for his family and his friends. This will be the third night in freezing cold weather completely alone and I wish with all of my heart that I could be the friend he needs right now. That I could be the one to help him for once. But all I can do is pray to a loving God to watch over my friend and if Derrik's life has come to an end, I pray that God will bless him for the amazing person he is. I know that my life has been blessed by knowing him and I will always be grateful for the kindness he has always shown me.

Hallmark is Dead to Me.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am a Hallmark junkie. I watch ALL the movies, I watch all the shows. I watch everything on the channel, and I love it. Well...I did love it. Until last night. My guess is that hardly anyone will read this, and mostly I'm watching this for myself because I have never been so frustrated with writing and storytelling in my life...and I'm an ENGLISH MAJOR. Do you know how many crappy manuscripts and screenplays I've read?! And yet, the writers of When Calls the Heart managed to surprise me with some of the most manipulative and horrifying writing I've seen in a long time.

Major spoilers if I don't know you and you do watch When Calls the Heart but for whatever reason are not caught up to last nights episode. I'll just put this warning in big bold letters here:

SPOILERS for: When Calls the Heart, Downton Abbey, The Flash, Doctor Who, DC Legends of Tomorrow, Designated Survivor, Merlin and Jane The Virgin. If you are not current on most of these shows skip down to the big CONCLUSION section:

Jack is dead. Like, so so dead. Six feet in the ground, dead as a doornail, dead. He's not coming back.

This was frustrating to me because I have felt that the last season and a half has been severely lacking in any character development for our favorite mountie. He was gone for most of it which really makes it hard to love a character. And I realize that Daniel Lissing approached the writers and asked to be written out, that's fine. I actually mean it. It's really okay. Because there are ways to write out a character without making your entire fan base angry. Would you like some examples? Great, I've already got them ready for you:

Dan Stevens as Matthew Crawley in Downton Abbey. We all knew he was going before his character died, and I think it helped to prepare a little bit. He died in a car accident the day his son was born. Tragic, yes. Unbearable? No. We knew it was coming and were able to take solace in the fact that he and Mary had a son and that there was an heir for Downton. I still love Dan Stevens and have enjoyed watching his career. I still watched the show after he left. Because they didn't emotionally traumatize me.

Robbie Amell as Ronnie aka Firestorm on The Flash. Dude straight up flew into a giant swirling tornado above a city and never came back. He was not as well beloved as other characters, but his death was tragic because, much like Jack and Elizabeth, he married the girl of his dreams mere hours before he gave his life to save mankind. We watched as he went from being presumed dead, to really alive and then back to dead again. It might not have been as tragic because we began thinking that he was already dead, but it still hurt. Not to the point, I wouldn't watch the show, and three seasons later I'm still an avid fan.

Victor Garber as Martin Stein on DC Legends of Tomorrow. Speaking of Firestorm, Ronnie's other half, Professor Stein, was killed off just this year. He was a beloved character that brought so much to the show. His death was heroic and not entirely expected. Stein had previously announced he was leaving, so we were all expecting it. However, the writers didn't pull the rug out from under us, and we were able to shed tears and say goodbye to the professor without hating the writers or producers of the show. Again, still an avid watcher and fan.

Every actor that has ever appeared on Doctor Who. This show has a way of pulling you in, making you love a character and then ugly crying when they leave. I'll never forget Billie Piper's departure from the show. It was the first time I full on ugly cried over a fictional character. And they didn't even kill her off! They just put her in her own universe without the man she'd grown to love more deeply than anyone ever could love another person. Russell T. Davies was not afraid to kill characters off, and he did it in a way you cried and thanked him for the journey. THAT is good writing. That is how you properly kill a character off.

Natasha McElhorne as Alex Kirkman on Designated Survivor. She was the First Lady, and she got hit on her way home with her motorcade. I'm still not entirely sure how this storyline ultimately plays out, but that was insane, heartbreaking and also compelling. They killed off a main character without completely upsetting the fan base. Most of us are still reeling from it because the characters on the show are still dealing with it. Beautifully written scripts with amazing storytelling. Definitely still a fan of this one and I really liked Alex. Definitely still watching.

Bradley James as King Arthur on Merlin. This one was so hard to watch. He was King Arthur. He was supposed to live happily ever after with Guinevere. This death was devastating. It was the series finale, but it was so beautifully written that had there been another season, I would have watched every minute of it. And still, even with the devastating loss, I'm still a fan of the show.

Brett Dier as Michael Cordero Jr. on Jane the Virgin. He was such a driving force for the show. He was such a fan favorite and yet, they totally killed him off. He was young, married the main girl, they were talking about having another kid and his heart literally just stopped. It was tragic, I shed a few tears, but I didn't hate the show because the writers knew what they were doing.





CONCLUSION:

Now, I feel like I've given plenty of examples from several genres and all had the same result. I didn't hate the show after. But, with When Calls the Heart I honestly don't know that I want to keep watching, and this is why: I watch Hallmark for an escape from the harsh realities of the world.

I do not watch Hallmark to feel sad or anxious or worried. When you think hallmark you generally think of happy storylines that always seem to work out. And up until this season of the show, that was true. It has absolutely nothing to do with Daniel Lissing leaving the show. It has everything to do with how the writers chose to write him out.

Jack Thornton had to die. There really was no other way around it, and that's fine as evidence above. You CAN write out main characters without killing your fan base. I'm angry with the how. Jack spends a year in the Northern Territory, comes home and marries Elizabeth, we're all good, and then he gets sent off to train mounties. The issue I have is that he assured Elizabeth that he would be fine when the writers, the cast, and everyone except for the viewers knew that Daniel Lissing would not be returning. And then they intentionally lulled into a false sense of security because we all believed that he'd be okay because this is Hallmark. Had he died in the Northern Territories, we would have been okay for the most part. Had he died taking bad guys into Cape Fullerton, we would have been okay because he was a Mountie and his job is dangerous. BUT, to kill him off in a landslide while training recruits was a slap in the face to all who have come to regard Hallmark as a kind and uplifting brand that always has things work out even when people die. This was pulling the rug out from underneath us and then ripping our hearts out and throwing them in a running blender. I have never been this frustrated with writing and storytelling on a show in my life. And I survived the end of Chuck.

I am definitely still a fan of Daniel Lissing who has become one of my favorite actors and I hope he does a lot of amazing things with his career. I do not fault him for leaving and I do not fault the rest of the cast for the terrible choices the production team and writers came up with. If this is the direction that Hallmark is going, I don't think my loyalty will hold out much longer. I would like to say that I'll be back for Season 6, but it's not likely. I can't trust the makers of When Calls the Heart to not kill off another beloved character in a truly horrific manner.