#LIGHTtheWORLD

I survived November! I know you have all been wondering if I did or not, especially since I haven't posted in a long time. It's been busy. Like, game changer busy. And, come the new year, I will tell you all. Until then, I'm keeping things under wraps.

I have been meaning to post more about the #LIGHTtheWORLD campaign and this month has kind of slipped by, but I can't skip today. If you haven't heard about this campaign, it's from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and its to spend the entire month focusing on different attributes of Jesus Christ. Here's a video:

And today's attribute is: Jesus honored the Sabbath, and so can I.

I'll be honest, I haven't always really worried about keeping the Sabbath day holy. Not that I was out doing crazy things, but I didn't really care if I watched TV shows on Sunday, or if I slept after church. There was a time that I was really lazy about even going to church. It was my first time living away from home and no one was expecting me to go, really. So I let things slide a little bit.

But, lately I've been thinking more about the Sabbath day. I spend my Saturday mornings in the Payson, Utah Temple and I have been teaching the six year old class on Sundays. It's been a really wonderful opportunity to think about Jesus Christ and everything He has done for me.

I planned my Christmas lesson for today because next week is Christmas and we will be having a short service at church. So, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out a fun gift to give the kids in my class. It had to be something I could put together quickly because I've been SUPER busy with research and writing and every idea I found didn't fit. I was getting frustrated and stressed and just wanted to give up.

Then, last night, I was cutting out a billion pairs of jeans for a quilt for my brother for Christmas because he is the hardest person to shop for. Ever. And I remembered at Thanksgiving that he really wanted a jean quilt. So, here we are. The week before Christmas and I'm just starting....haha.....It's been a busy couple of weeks. So busy. Any way, While I was getting frustrated trying to figure out how best to cut up all the jeans, my mom asked if I would want to make a small baby Jesus for each of the kids in my class. She helped me out a bunch in making them and they fit in perfectly with my lesson about the birth of Jesus Christ. It was the best final piece to my lesson today.

I have been frustrated and confused most of this year, but one thing I know for sure is that there is an AMAZING Heavenly Father that cares so much about each of us. He wants us to succeed in life. He loves us. I know this, and I hope that you know this too. With Christmas exactly a week away, I hope you will take the time to seek out our Savior. Seek Him and watch how your life starts to shift. It won't be life altering shifts all at once, but little by little. As we let Him in, He will start to change us. He will help us to become the best versions of ourselves.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!! It's one of my favorite times of the year!!

Welcome, November, Make Yourself At Home

Novemeber 2nd, 2016. 5:42PM.

It's November 2016. I am feeling rather positive, however, there is a catch in the back of my mind and in my heart that is telling me that this is only the beginning. This year, frankly, has not been awesome. It has actually been one of the hardest years I've ever experienced. And now, to be in the throes of November. On this second day of the month. I hope, more than I fear, that I will make it through this month. That doesn't mean it will be without it's sneaky little traps. Or that I'll get off scott free, but I hope that whatever November brings in this November of a year, I hope that I can keep my head high and the tears at bay long enough to see that in my darkest moments I am not alone.

Because we really are never alone. And I don't mean to get all weepy or religious on y'all, but I am so grateful I believe in God. That I believe that He knows me and cares about me and actually wants me to suceed in life. Sometimes that means we have to walk through dark, dank November times in our lives. Sometimes we feel completely alone and like no one in this world could ever possibly understand what we're going through. But He does. He knows us. He cares. He wants us to be happy. He really does.

I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. I love Anne Shirley and all of her spirit. I love her life. In Anne of Avonlea, I believe, she is lamenting the fact that Gilbert Blythe is very sick and she has finally realized that she's in love with him and he might die before she gets the chance to tell him and she tells Marilla she's having such a Jonah day and for some reason I really liked that thought. A Jonah day. One thing I also love about those books is that Anne is very positive and she says in the first book, I believe (I've read a lot over the last week) that no matter how bad today is, tomorrow is a brand new day full of hope and promise. So, that is how I am choosing to look at this Novemeber. Some really awful stuff could happen to me. But even if it does, tomorrow will still come full of promise and hope.
Even if my November lives up to the worst that I've had (I really REALLY hope it doesn't), it will come and it will go and I will learn and grow from it and even though it will probably make me cry, it will also make me stronger. Because just like Thomas Wayne says in Batman Begins AND in the comics, "Why do we fall down? To learn to pick ourselves up." In our darkest moments, we have the potential to learn the most and become the strongest. I am strong not because I endured hard things, but because I chose to let those hard things change me for the better.

Also, a happy little note to end on, over the next month I am going to focus on a more Christlike Christmas. Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays, not for the presents and worldly aspects of it, but because I loved focusing on Jesus Christ. So, that is what I want to do over the next two months and I hope that you will join in with me. I will have a few posts focused on that, but I will also have some fun stuff for you. I started NaNoWriMo yesterday and will be writing a novella called Long Black Veil (for now) and it is a ghost story. I've never written a ghost story, so this will be lots of fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it. But until then, keep your chin up! You got this!

A Moment of Reflection

Life sucks. Sometimes. Not all the time. And sometimes November hits you in the face so many times that you're sitting in your room at 1:30 AM looking at the calendar knowing that before you know it, it'll be November 1st and you'll be facing another November. That's me. Right now. Guys, it's almost November.

I'm so sick of social media. If I didn't use social media to promote my own writing, I'd turn it all off and not look at it ever again. Or not until after this election business is over.

Guys, I feel like I have a billion things to say, but every time I try to write them out, I hate the way that I'm saying something and erase the whole thing.

I found out that my favorite Spanish teacher from high school passed away yesterday. It was very sad because he was an amazing teacher. I still remember his class and all that I learned there. Teachers like that don't come around very often. I'm so glad I was able to learn from him. His impact is far reaching. I don't think he could have possibly known how much we all loved him. I hope his family can find comfort in knowing how great he was and how beloved he was of his students.

I wanted to give you guys an excerpt of something I'm working on because I feel like the last few posts have been a bit more me focused and less on my writing, so here you go, an excerpt from the last edit of LIGHTS. It's part of what I gave you last time with a little bit MORE bwa ha ha:

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door stands out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot.

The employees are surprisingly lackluster. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of obsidian jackets to compliment their ivory blouses and button up shirts under charcoal blazers all around until someone catches my eye. He is wearing a button up shirt rolled up to his fore arm. A pearl white shirt with a cobalt pinstripe. Despite his relaxed expression, he still looks precise and sharp. Even his rolled up sleeves seem to be rolled to a precise measurement so as to not be too casual or too business like. He seems brighter than everyone else in the little shop. Or even the city. If that's even possible. Like he almost has a glow to him that no one else does. The pages on his book seem almost vibrant. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. He has an undefined preoccupation with his watch.

He is oblivious to the world, and yet I feel like he is watching more closely than the rest of us. He checks his watch, looks up briefly before returning to his book. How can he read?

I admit, my fascination is probably bordering on creepy, probably. No one else seems to notice him. It's almost like they can't see him. This morning is no exception. No one sees him, no one talks to him, it's like he's not even here. There is nothing threatening about him. Perhaps that is why no one notices. I thought about asking one of the workers if they know anything about him, but they seem even less personable than usual today. A little thought keeps pestering me to go talk to him. After all, I have time today. It's not even eight in the morning.

“Emma!” Bobby's voice booms around me and my cup comes flying across the counter. He doesn't even look as he throws my cup. I've become a coffee catching ninja as I skillfully snatch it without a drop getting on my scrubs. I check my phone again. 7:52. I walk over to the counter with napkins and grab a couple. I turn to leave and nearly run into the guy I can't stop staring at. He waits for me to notice I'm staring and I laugh awkwardly.

“Sorry about that.” I say and slip past him and head for the door. I feel the deep red of a very embarrassing blush crosses my cheeks. He smiles at me as I leave and in that last glance I notice how fiercely green his eyes are.

I walk quickly down the sidewalk when my phone rings. I glance down to see Marques, my coworker, calling me.

“Hey friend, what's up?” I ask him, surprised that he's beat me to work. I'm usually the first one there.

“Emma. Calahan is here to observe you. Where are you?” He asks in response.

“I'm headed in, I just stopped to get some coffee. I won't be late, promise.” I say.

“You're already 25 minutes late.” He states. There's no way that's possible. I left my house less than ten minutes ago. How can I be late at all? I look at my watch as the faceplate on my watch glaringly switches from 9:25 to 9:26.  

And now, I will be editing and writing some things. And watching the newest episode of Designated Survivor because I missed it when it aired because it was Hugh Jackman's birthday today and I was busy. You can check all that out HERE. 

In Which I Watch All The Shows!!

I'm sure you thought I'd dropped off the planet again. But no, I did not. I've just been busy avoiding my feelings and trying to organize my room, which may sound sim

ple, but it's actually similar to decluttering Howl's Moving Castle. I don't know how many of you got that reference, but I love that movie. If only I had a Sophie to come clean everything up for me...

As you have probably realized, it's Autumn. And with Autumn comes new TV shows! Sometimes I watch a new show and wonder what it will be like when I have a TV show of my own premiering. That will be exciting. But, until then, I'll just keep watching all the shows. Like Designated

Survivor. Are you guys watching that one?! If not, you should! It just got picked up for a full season, which it totally deserves! I never watched 24, but if Kiefer Sutherland is half good in that show as he is in the first two episodes of Designated Survivor, I may have to watch it. He is incredible in Designated Survivor. He portrays a very sincere "every man" type while also killing it as a strong leader. Just. Just go watch it.

Also, I started watching This Is Us. The writers really must be applauded for their ability to write such a compelling story that throws you a curve ball that makes you stop and go" wait.... What may happened... " and then you have to wait a week for the next episode. And Milo Ventimiglia is just fantastic on this show. I've been a fan since his days as Jess Mariano on Gilmore Girls. #teamjess But really, it's a compelling story that is very relatable. It also just got picked up for a full season.

And, next week starts my superhero shows starting!! Here's a great video to get you pumped if you already watch them:

I'm so excited for all these shows to start again!

In other news, I have been working on an idea for a short story for Halloween based on the song Long Black Veil by Johnny Cash as covered by Dave Matthews Band. I've never written a first story, so this will be fun! I'm quite excited. I'm going to channel my inner southerner because I'm setting it in a small southern town. I love the rich history of the south. I've really been missing North Carolina lately. I'm homesick for it!

Any way, I will keep you all posted as it progresses!

Connections

Firstly, a HUGE thank you to everyone who read Unrequited. It is, hands down, my most read post and I'm really grateful for everyone that helped me achieve that. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. It's on this blog, not one of my others that I write, but yeah. Go read it. I poured my soul into that piece and then it go rejected. #ironic.

I am a huge nerd. And I am proud of that fact. I read a lot of comic books. This is a well known fact. My last car was named Grayson after Dick Grayson AKA Robin AKA Nightwing. I LOVE all things comic books. And I live an hour away from Salt Lake City who has the 3rd largest comic con in the country. Go us! And I have been a to many of them. I have met lots of people and I've had really great adventures with my friends.

I wasn't going to go this time because money is tight and I really can't be spending a ton of money on non essential things. But, Chiquita convinced me to come and even gave me a pass. Which was awesome. So, I went. And thanks to some really generous friends I was even able to get a couple more signatures in my Arrow graphic novel. Which was fantastic. And so much fun. AND, I was able to get some ideas for my StarStruck Baking blog, which will be coming up in the next little bit.

It was really a lot of fun, but one of the highlights for me was the train ride home. The train was pretty full because there were LOTS of people at comic con, but there was an older gentleman sitting alone with a few empty seats by him. So, I kindly asked if I could sit by him and he replied that he would love some company. As I sat down, in the midst of hundreds of people, he started asking me about myself. I hate small talk because I'm really not good at it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really am not good at small talk. It's awkward for me, but this nice gentleman just kept asking questions and then I would ask him in return and he'd start telling me about his life.

I didn't ever catch his name. He might have told me, but it was too loud to hear him. But it really doesn't matter because in that moment it was like there were no other people on the train and he just wanted to tell me about his life. He reminded me a lot of my grandfather, probably because they both served in World War II. But it was still great to hear him tell me about how he ended up in Utah of all places and about all the places he'd been to and the things he's seen. I got to just sit and talk to someone and hear about their life. And just as quickly as it started, it ended. His stop came up and he said goodbye and hopped off the train.

Everyone has a story to tell. EVERYONE. Even you, person I may not know reading this. You may not know me (though, if you've read much of this blog you have a good idea), and I may never meet you, but in this moment, right now, we are sharing a moment. This experience right here is something that we don't always get with people. The sun rises and sets and how often do we actually see who's lives we touch? We are all connected.

And speaking of connected, I saw this video on Facebook the other day and it really got me thinking. I can't find the link, so if anyone can find it, put it in the comments. Any way, the premise of this video is that these researchers got a group of people from all over the world together and asked them about where they're from. The people talked about how they'd lived in the same country for generations and they were really proud of their heritage. The researchers then asked if they would be willing to go on a journey based on their DNA. Many of the people were skeptical, but agreed.

It was interesting to see the people's reactions when they discovered that none of them were 100% anything. But that their DNA showed how many different countries and heritages each person had. It got me thinking about my own ancestry. My Great Grandparents on my Mom's side came to America from Holland. That's two generations. That's so close! My Dad's family is from all over Europe. I even have some ancestors from Africa. I love learning more about where I come from. I want to go visit Ireland, Scotland, England, Denmark and Holland. I want to walk the streets that my ancestors walked. I want to see what they saw. I want them to be a part of my life. Because without them, I wouldn't be me. Without my great great great Grandma Dablestein I wouldn't know that I have a rich Jewish heritage. Without James and Mary Anne Pace, I wouldn't have a love for my hometown, which they settled in the early 1800s. Without Eric Anderson Svard (with whom I share a birthday) I wouldn't know about my Swedish ancestors. All of us come from all over the world. And because of this, we are literally all connected. How cool is that?

I am so grateful for my ancestry. For a heritage so full of vibrant stories and history! I love where I've come from and I'm so grateful for all those that sacrificed so much so that I could be me.

Unrequited

If you are new to reading my blog, then you may not know this, but I am the Queen of Unrequited Love. It's super awesome. I came across a posting of places you can submit essays for publication and The New York Times Modern Love blog is always looking for submissions. So, I took a deep breath and wrote my own live story and submitted it. It had to be a true story that was previously unpublished, including on a blog. So, I never said anything here for that purpose. That is until I got a lovely rejection from them this morning, I'm now sharing my super awesome sorry with you.

UNREQUITED
By: Soozee Carmichael

When I was five, I kissed Bobby Anderson on the swing set in his backyard, which was next door to my house. I thought I was going to love him forever. And then I saw the wolf spider on my leg and screamed and ran back home. Bobby didn't talk to me for many years. This should have been an indication of what my love life would be like in the future, but who thinks that when they're five?

At sixteen, I started my first job bagging groceries in our local store. That's how I met Charlie Cook. He was bringing in a load of carts from the parking lot. He pushed the carts into their place and turned and nodded in my general direction. I swooned internally. He was tall, blonde, and very handsome. I fell for him right then. I didn't even know his name, but I knew we were perfect for each other. He walked towards me and I almost fainted. Then, passing me, said hi to Jessica, the girl at the register behind me. I can still feel the embarrassment. The ironic thing is that both Charlie and Jessica became two of my best friends. We were almost inseparable for the year and a half we worked through high school.

Junior year I finally mustered enough courage to ask Charlie to the Sweethearts dance. He lived in the next town over and went to our school's biggest rival. I liked that he didn't go to school with me, because I wanted to show up at the dance with someone no one knew and was a little mysterious. Except, no one actually noticed me or Charlie. We danced and then went home. The night ended with an awkward side hug. I still thought we were perfect for each other. He just wanted to be friends.

I chose to go on a mission for my church. The night before I left home for a year and a half, Charlie stopped by to say goodbye. I remember hugging him so tightly and praying that he'd still be around when I got home. We'd been through so much together and in the back of my mind I still loved him. That was the first time I dreamed about Dean Carmichael. In this dream, I walked along a beach. There was a black and white lighthouse in the distance and I was wearing a simple white dress. I walked up to him and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was a deep, emotion driven kiss. He never told me his name, I just knew that his name was Dean Carmichael and that we were in love. And then, I woke up. It felt so real that it took a minute to realize he wasn't actually here. It wasn't real.

During my mission, I didn't think about Charlie or anything else from back home. My days were filled with service. I heard from many of my friends each week, but not Charlie. I think that was for the best. When I got home, I stopped by his house and although I still loved him, it was different. We'd both changed while I was gone. He'd fallen in love with a mutual friend somewhere along the way. Within a few months, he turned up on my doorstep with an invitation to the wedding.

Wedding season is the worst when you're single. Especially when you think you might still have feelings for the groom. I sat outside Charlie's reception for a while deciding if I was actually going to go in. I decided I'd regret it if I didn't and walked in. Charlie told me this wouldn't change anything. We'd always be friends. But I knew our friendship was over. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after I left. In fact, somehow I knew this was for the best. Charlie was happy, and that's what I wanted for my friend.

It was a long time before I thought I loved someone. Then Jason Lockhart showed up. He walked into church one Sunday full of confidence and charisma. I should have known nothing good would come of this. There he was with his beard and longish hair, looking like a mountain man. He sat by me and we talked for a long time. I invited him to come hang out with me and my friends, and I would often cook because I knew he was coming. I'm an amazing cook and he would always tell me so. The rest of my life was a mess. I hadn't finished school yet and didn't even know what I wanted to do. I liked talking to him because he was a few years older and seemed to be so much smarter than me. When we were with groups of people he was always aware of where I was in the room. He would gently grab my arm as I walked by from time to time and I thought for sure I was in love for real this time.

With the coercion of a friend, I asked Jason out. The date was a mess, and I ended up with a fever before the night ended. He made sure I got home safely and asked if he'd see me the next day. I told him that I had a lot to do and that he probably would. He looked concerned.

“Take it easy. No need to stress yourself out.” He told me.

“I'll be fine. I'm sure this fever will break and I'll see you tomorrow.” I replied.

“I'm going to call if I don't see you, okay?” He asked. I blushed a little, though you probably couldn't tell from the fever and nodded. He gave me a tight hug and then left. That night, while reveling in the short lived joy of the evening before I started getting sick, I fell asleep and dreamed of Dean Carmichael again. This time I was visiting the grocery store I had once worked in. I held Dean's hand and an old coworker approached me. He asked how I'd been and kept looking at Dean like he couldn't believe we were together. I just smiled and Dean put his arm around me. The love I felt for Dean was beyond anything I'd ever felt for Jason. I woke up again almost looking for Dean in my small twin bed.

The next morning I felt like death. I didn't leave my bed. Jason called, as promised. Our conversation lasted thirty-two seconds. His tone was different. I knew then that everything had changed. I don't know what changed, but he didn't pay me much attention after that. He always talked about doing stuff, but was always busy. He moved away a few months later and I never saw him again.

Shortly after Jason moved, I had another dream with Dean. This one was a little different from the others. I was packing for a trip and Dean came into our room. He went over to the closet and started helping me pack.

“I don't want to go,” I told him.

“It won't be forever. I promise,” he told me back. I awoke again. I was now twenty eight. I had never had a serious boyfriend and every time I had fallen in love it had been unrequited. But in my dreams, there was a man that loved me beyond reason. And even when I was going somewhere, he was quick to remind me that he would always be there for me.

After Jason, I started to be a lot more cautious about who I let in to my life. I met a guy that seemed very Dean-like. Eddie Cooper and I had a lot of the same interests and even pursued the same degree in school. But he was very flaky, either showing up very late or not at all. When I'd see him again he'd be very quick to compliment my beauty or tell me how wonderful I was. Unfortunately for him, I already knew I was beautiful and didn't like my time to be wasted.

In the midst of falling for Eddie, and then un falling for Eddie I had another dream with Dean. This time I was getting ready for an evening to honor an achievement I had earned for my writing. I walked into the living room and he was wearing a well fitted dark blue suit. I put my last earring in and he smiled as I entered the room.

“You look breathtaking” he told me. I didn't say anything in return. I just kissed him gently on the lips and took his arm as we walked out of our house together. When I woke up this time I felt alone and left out. This dream, more than the others, seemed impossible. I felt like all I was ever going to find were the Eddies of the world. Or maybe the Jasons. My Twenty ninth birthday was hard. I felt like an old maid that would never be wanted by anyone. Dean had become a horrible nightmare that I dreaded seeing when I closed my eyes.

Somewhere along the way I realized Dean Carmichaels don't come around everyday. And if I want to find a Dean Carmichael, I need to be the best version of myself. I want to be that girl in my dreams. The one that he can adore, and that adores him in return. Instead of sitting by, waiting for him to show up, I decided to take my future into my own hands. I picked a major and got a degree. I focused on how I could help those around me. I bake treats and take them to people because who doesn't love a delicious home baked treat? I don't need to find Dean this very minute. I need to be the best I can so that when I do find Dean, and I will, I can fall in love with him without worry or regret. I'll know that all the waiting was worth it.

Best. Day. Ever....or something

Okay. So. Almost a year ago I replaced Tom Hiddleston as my favorite actor. I replaced him with Richard Armitage after I watched North and South this time last year. It's AMAZING if you haven't seen it. And today is Richard's birthday. For a full post on the awesomeness of his birthday, go check out my StarStruck Baking blog at the link to the right of this section. But, in honor of his birthday and because of how much I LOVED North and South, I thought I'd share a found poem I wrote from page 192 of the novel North and South by Elizabeth Gaskill.

And, for those that may not be aware of what a found poem is, it's when you take a page of text and create a poem using only the words on that page. It can be tricky, but I have found it to be so rewarding. So, here it is:

Fancied Words
A Found Poem by Soozee Carmichael


I simply escape from obligation
and choose a natural sanctity of pride.
To find gladness that sharpens life
with him henceforward, a stern gratitude
of passion and existence would feel triumphant.

Haste should not be pungently natural
or a question to myself of intensity.
A calm value to him, whom I come
to owe love and determination of an honest existence.
Fancied or not fancied.

I will love his voice with tender intensity
and a gladness that is pure and deep.
I exult in a rather hastily and thoughtless love.
Looking by instinct, faltering to his hand
I simply knew his words would not be stopped.




Any way, there you go! Hope you enjoyed the poem and if you haven't already, go watch North and South. It's on Netflix and everything!

Sometimes life is just hard

My car died last week. Grayson. I had him for a year. Almost to the day. He was a good car. Got me from A to B. And from B back to A, or sometimes to C. But he always got me home. Man, he was a good car. Named him after Dick Grayson from the comic books. Because I'm a comic book nerd. And it wasn't overly obvious. I don't like to be in your face, generally, with what I do and don't like/obsess over. Like comic books. If you guys knew the extent that my level of comic book nerd actually was, you'd be surprised, I think.

Any way, Grayson died and I have had a while to contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I don't have a new job yet. #anyonewanttohireawriter? I am living in the basement of my childhood home, questioning my life choices. I have a degree that my dad thinks is useless and currently he's trying really hard not to say "I told you so." BUT, despite all the opposition waiting for me to fail, I feel like this is my time to keep pushing forward. Not stopping the momentum. Well, there's not really a lot of momentum at this particular moment. Mostly I just can't stop trying. I can't stop working hard to find that elusive new job. And reach for my amazing dreams. I don't expect to become a screenwriter tomorrow, that's the end game. But I can get a new job now that will take me to the next step that will take me to the next step that will eventually lead to me becoming a screenwriter and making Changing Tyde into a movie. And LIGHTS. Because I know that's what y'all want, right?! RIGHT!

So, today I sit on my bed in my room that is full of boxes I haven't unpacked. And won't unpack until I move again. And while I sit, I keep thinking about how awesome my life actually is. It's not where I want to be, but it's not a bad place to start from. This is only the beginning, peeps. Only the beginning.

And in honor of this moment, I will share with you a poem I wrote. It's for LIGHTS. And it's been published in a student journal at UVU. And has an odd resemblance to my life. Sort of. I'm not a dancer. Obviously. But, how many times do we come across something trying to hold us back? And we have to fight and in the end there's triumph and pirouettes. And sometimes those pirouettes are the cookies and not the dance move. Ha ha.

Shadow and a Dancer

Creeper creeps in

darkness and night.

Dancer twirls,

twists and turns

together in motion.

He hides behind

her watching, waiting.

turn. stop. lift. stop.

Seeing no one she

dances until dawn

when nothing remains.

Struggle and fight,

she pushes beyond

shadow falls

while light remains

triumph and pirouettes.  

A little LIGHTS for ya!!

It's been a crazy month, y'all. But really. I've been writing a ton. SO MUCH WRITING. Which is awesome. And I can't wait to share it with you. I can't share all of it, because...reasons...but I will share this little snippet of LIGHTS with you!!

The morning air is crisp as I walk down the familiar streets. It's been years since I've actually looked around. The buildings all reaching high above, argent and black as far as the eye can see. The gray of the buildings almost washes out all colors around me. Reds seem faded, blues turn to gray, green fades to almost nothing. The yellow sign above the coffee shop door does stand out. Perhaps it's the florescent lights indicating that the coffee is hot and the employees are as bored as usual. I walk in and look at the people. It's a sea of black, white and gray business apparel around until I look over the the corner and see Ian in his usual spot. He is wearing a button up shirt that is white with a blue pinstripe, the sleeves rolled up, yet still looking precise and sharp. He doesn't look up when I enter but continues reading while the rest of the world ignores him. I place my order with the Shay at the counter. I have seen her nearly every day for years, and yet I don't think she could pick me out of a crowd. 

Soooooo.....what did you think? Wanna let me know in the comments? That'd be AWESOME!! :)

Daddy-O

I have been contemplating what to write about on here. I've been all over the place, really. And sometimes I forget that I am just myself on here. I'm not telling you about the great brownies I baked earlier (though, you can read about them on my other blog. AND they're delicious), or pretending to be a very exaggerated southern version of myself. Though, that's a fun blog too. But, since it's Father's Day this week I decided to spend some time talking about fathers.

I have an excellent father in my life. He and I but heads a lot because we have, like, the same personality at times, but I know that he loves me very much and would do almost anything for me. Last spring I was having some car troubles, just some minor stuff, and he climbed under my car and fixed a broken tail light and a few other things that needed to be done. My dad turned 70 this year, and he's still fixing my car when he can.

Growing up, my dad wasn't around a whole lot because he traveled for work from Monday to Thursday every week. Until I was 10 years old I only saw my dad on the weekends. I didn't think anything of it because it's how it always was for me. I sometimes wonder how different things would have been if he'd had a "regular" job with "regular" office hours. But, I'll never know because that's not how it was.

One thing I do know is that my dad is a great man. He is very generous and kind. He looks out for other people and loves to make people laugh. I love watching him with my nieces and nephews. He builds lego towers with them and wi bowls downstairs with them. He makes his "famous" grilled cheese sandwiches for them and they have picnics in the back yard with red koolaid. Hes retired now and has time to do these things. And it's beautiful.

The role of Father is a sacred title. It's one that I think is being diminished daily by the world and society. I am grateful for fathers who care. For men that stand up for those they love. A few weeks ago I got to spend some time with one of my brothers. He has a little baby girl that is gorgeous and I was watching him hold her the other day. She was smiling and giggling and loving him. And he her. I never would have imagined how grateful I am for brothers that take their responsibility to be a father seriously. All of my brothers that have children have shown similar love for their children and I can't help but respect them a little more for how amazing they are. They take the time and opportunity to raise their children and spend time with them. To teach their kids right from wrong and how to be amazing people.

I have friends that don't have dad's in their life either by choice, or not. It breaks my heart to think of anyone not having a dad. So, if you have a dad in your life think about how lucky you are! Think about how amazing your life is!!

More than one of my friends has lost their father far too early in life and my heart hurts for them. It can't be easy. And I don't have the words to bring peace. But I do love you.

Since it is father's day weekend, I hope that we can all take the time to reflect one how great fathers are. And be grateful for all the fathers in our lives, whether they are our fathers, the fathers of our children, someone who stepped in when we needed a father, whatever the case may be, I hope we can recognize the importance of fathers this weekend. And every day.

Other Writing Gems

Hey friends!! So, I have been working on my blog lately, in case you didn't notice, I completely changed the layout and and trying to make this looks super snazzy and stuff.

Any way, I had about 5 blogs and have condensed them down to 3 total. This one, obviously, is for me and my writing and is more focused on Soozee Carmichael and all that goes into being me.

The second is one that I started three years ago and never really kept up on. It's a fictitious character named Raleigh Christensen. She lives in Provo, UT and has some crazy adventures. Also, she just met the most amazing guy named Hollander. It's pretty funny. My mom laughed when I let her read my most recent post. It's pretty great. The link for that blog is:

confessionsofahappyvalleygirl.blogspot.com

And the third blog is a new one that a friend suggest I start about six months ago. I finally feel that I have time and am really dedicated to making it great. If we're friends on FaceBook then you know that whenever it is the birthday of a famous person I like or admire, I post about how I will be baking something awesome to celebrate while watching/reading/listening to whatever they do for a living. So, my friend suggested that I start a blog for this and see if we can get a following for it, which would be awesome. My first post will go live on Monday, June 13th when we celebrate Chris Evan's birthday. It's going to be great fun and I highly recommend just checking it out after I start posting. That blog can be found at:

starstruckbaking.blogspot.com

This also means that I have taken down the blog I started as my fake British assistant, Emmalee Fairfax, which is unfortunate, but I also hadn't posted anything in 3 years, so I'm pretty sure no one will even notice....

Let me know what y'all think of my writing. Go check out my other blogs and just have some fun!!

That We May Never Forget

June 6th, 1944 is a day that I doubt will ever be truly forgotten, and it shouldn't be. Over memorial day I had the thought to write this post but didn't have the time to do it justice, so I'm making up for lost time. Especially since my thoughts coincide with D Day.

When I was young I had to write a report for a class. I was assigned to interview someone who had lived through a historic event, or something like that. I don't remember why I had to do the assignment, I just know that my mom encouraged me to talk to her dad.

My grandfather was a soldier in World War I I and was sent to Normandy in June 1944. He arrived a few days after D Day. He told me that as they reached the shore you could smell the death that washed over those shores. You could feel the tension in the air and as he looked across the blood stained beach at all the men left there, it didn't matter what side they were in. They were gone now. Both sides lost men. Both sides fought with all they had.

As the days progressed, my grandfather kept fighting and one day was out on patrol. German soldiers came up on them and started shooting. My grandfather put his hand on his helmet and one point and was shot. To this day, he still can't bend his finger completely, but if he hadn't had his hand on his helmet, he would have died. Instead, he was sent to Switzerland to recover and was then sent to work in several Allied offices until his tour was completed.

Because of his time in Switzerland, my grandfather loves clocks. He said that he fell in love with the Black Forest Cuckoo clocks. He couldn't afford one at the time, being a poor soldier, but he always wanted one. This was something I grew up knowing about my grandfather without knowing where he'd gained a love of clocks.

Upon his return home, my grandfather was met at the bus station by his best friend who had also been to war. He is filled with emotion as he talks about the mountains of Utah behind him and his friend waiting to greet him. He knew he had made it back home. He knew that he would be alright now. That the worst was behind him.

There is something about the Rocky Mountains that is unmistakably peaceful. Though they tower over my hometown, they seem like gentle giants guarding my family and home.

I can relate to my grandfather in some ways. I know the feeling of home that resides in the valleys of Utah. I have felt the relief of coming home from a long journey. I have not felt the fear or grief that comes with war. And I hope that we can all take a few minutes to contemplate the sacrifice of so many men and women through out all of our country's history that allow us the freedoms we have today. Without them, this country would not know the joys of freedom and peace. Thank you.

ALL THE FEELS

We all know of my *slight* addiction to TV shows, especially those of the superhero variety. But dang. Seriously. It has been a rough go of my shows lately. The writers are killing people left and right. It's like Injustice: Year 1, Issue 16 when Dick Grayson is accidentally killed by Damian Wayne. In the midst of this huge battle between Batman and Superman and their respective teams a single moment stands out. and suddenly you're ugly crying to the point that you have to put your comic down because you can't read you're crying so hard.

That's been me watching my shows. So many character deaths. Ugh. I hate it. Some are short and quick, like on The Flash last week, and others have been awful and drawn out. #savehook. Writers. You're killing me. And the feels. Oh the feels. I hate trying to explain why I'm ugly crying over a show. *sob*sob* "you just don't get it! It was his dad! The only family he had left! *sob*sob* and now he's gone!!" more sobbing. more ugly crying. All over fictional characters. This is my life.

And then, there's the other aspects of my life. Job searching. It's the worst. I hate spending hours a day filling out applications to companies that aren't even going to email me to let me know they're not interested. I feel like my information just goes into a black hole of nothingness sometimes.

I actually applied for a job that would potentially lead to my dream job. I saw the listing about this time last Thursday night/Friday morning and applied for it. And now comes the waiting game. The constant worry that I might not even hear back from them. That somehow the awesomeness of my resume and writing sample will some how not impress whoever I sent it to. If they even look at it. And my dream job could easily slip through my fingers. I'm not saying this to be negative, I'm just saying this because it's consuming my soul and I'm tired of it consuming my soul. I'm just tired. And not just because it's 2:32 AM and I'm still awake after finishing this season of iZombie. It's more than that.

In light of my above little outburst of emotion, I have decided to share with you a poem that I wrote. This is me putting myself completely out in the open as a writer. I am not a poet by nature and I struggled hard core in my intermediate poetry class, and the following poem is the result. That semester I was hooked on LIGHTS and couldn't help but write, like, all of my poems about Emma, Ian and Donovan. So, this poem is called Starlit Dreams and it's from Emma's perspective after she's lost Ian:

Starlit Dreams

I watch for every flicker

lighting the corners of my

eyes, and into my imagination.

Each night as I sleep, I hope

beyond the truth, the seconds

trickle past and tease me. A broken watch

remains, last proof that he is real. An echo

of his rich laugh a fire and coals on a cold day.

His fingers slipped from my neck, pausing

briefly at the base, like a waterfall

pooling. Waiting, holding, hoping

that time does not move past

his eyes. Deep caverns with a spark of light

that guides the weary strangers. I

caress the memory of waking

up beside him, the sting of winter kept

away by the warmth of his smile.

I dream of silver trees next to

ocean breezes after a storm

with hope and starlit dreams.

I may have broken someone's heart yesterday and although I don't regret that I did it, I do hope that I didn't cause more damage than necessary. It's made me stop and think a lot about how we treat other people. A LOT of people that I care about in my life have given me a lot of advice on how I should approach things. I listened to them for a while, but when I'm alone, and especially after I've spent some time reading my scriptures and contemplating my life, I have come to realize a few things. First, that how I personally feels does, in fact, matter. Second, that although we should give everyone a really good chance, that doesn't always mean that things are going to go the way you or other people think they will. Third, don't waste people's time. I feel really bad about that one because I think I wasted more time than I should have. I should have been more direct, but I was worried I would hurt someone or not give them enough of a chance. Instead, I put it off a lot longer than I should have. Which happens. Ugh. Feelings. They're killing me, guys. You can't live with them, and you can't live without them. I kind of feel like Barry Allen on tonight's The Flash. There's a moment towards the end of the episode where there's a big reveal and he can't handle it anymore and he goes out into the hallway and just collapses on the ground and is sitting there with his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands and there's tears streaming down his face. He just couldn't handle the emotions anymore. That's me mentally. I'm beyond my breaking point emotionally. Which is what it is. And I'll find the strength along the way. But dang. ALL THE FEELS. I tell you what, they're not so bueno. 

Barren

I'm waiting for my laundry. Because heaven forbid I actually remember to do my laundry when the sun is still up and it's a reasonable time while I catch up on all of my TV shows from the past five years. It's fine, though, really. I have some time to think in the wee hours of the morning as I listen to the spin cycle go round and round, and the topic of the day comes from something I read on the internet.

Now, this is a very very touchy subject, and I am in no way trying to make light of anything that anyone is going through. Trust me, I am not trying to make you hate me or think that I am trying to downplay your situation. I'm not. Life is hard. So so hard. Any way, the topic I am thinking of lately is the idea of being barren.

Barren.

Such an interesting word. Usually associated with infertility, which is why I gave my warning above. Because I know some people that struggle with that, and I love them and do not wish to make light of their situation. Nor is that exactly what I am going to talk about today.

Let's go to the Bible. It's such a fascinating book full of so many rich stories. I have a special place in my heart for the Old Testament. A year ago I took a religion class in the midst of my college studies. The topic of my religion class was Women in the Scriptures. It was so eye opening and fascinating and it is where my topic originated from. To be barren has several different definitions, and holds different meanings based on your circumstance. Let's look at Jacob. He fell in love with Rachel. Oh, he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to work seven years for her father just to marry her. He couldn't wait to marry her and on the day of their wedding Rachel's father, Laban, tricked him and he married Rachel's older sister Leah instead.

Sometimes I feel like I can relate to Leah. I am currently on my third or fourth set of friends in the last five years. My friends all keep finding someone they can spend forever with and go off and get married and I sit here. In my house. Doing laundry and 1:00 AM. Alone. Feeling like this might be how I spend the rest of my life. I know how it feels to feel unwanted. I know what it feels like to be asked out because my friends felt bad for me and convinced some guy to take me. And it sucks. Can you imagine how Leah felt? Knowing that her dad was tricking this guy into marrying her? This guy that is actually in love with his sister? She has watched him for SEVEN YEARS work hard just to marry her little sister.

So Jacob works for seven more years to marry Rachel. And he married her, and he was in love with her. More so than Leah, because Rachel was always his first choice. I love how the Bible (Genesis 29-31, in case you wanted to read this for yourself) says in Gen. 29:31 "And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." There's that word again, barren. Rachel was physically barren, and Leah definitely was not. She has several children before Rachel ever has a kid. But Leah does not have the love of her husband. In that aspect, she is barren. She feels despised and rejected.

It is interesting to note how often this same type of situation comes up in the Bible. You have this example, there is also Hannah, in the book of First Samuel, who is the favored wife of her husband, but has no children. They are at a feast in the first chapter and Hannah is upset because she has no children but they have been married for a long time. In 1 Sam 1:8 it says, "Then said Elkahah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am I not better to thee than ten sons?" How often in the scriptures is there a woman who has the love of her husband, but can give him no children? OR, there's the flipside of that. The women who are married to men that do not love them, but they have scores of children. Both women, in a way, are barren. One physically, and the other emotionally.

I am usually really in a great place about my life. I have a great life full of promise and adventure. I have so many doors open to me right now and I love the aspect of not really knowing what's next. It's great fun. Most of the time. There are moments, usually brief, that give me pause. I was walking to my car late one night from a friend's apartment. We had been talking about the end of the semester and the graduation ceremony which I was planning on attending and all that comes with moving on. Graduating college was a huge step for me. Mostly because I honestly wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. College was not easy for me and I worked hard to accomplish the goals that I set. As I walked through the chilly night air that night, my heart sank for just a moment. It hit me that as much as I generally don't mind waiting for Dean, he wasn't going to be there. I wasn't going to get to share this huge moment with him. Yeah, I can show him pictures later after we meet, but it won't be the same. And then, I thought about all the other huge life events that I will do on my own. And then, I thought about what he might be doing that I won't get to see because we're not together yet. My heart broke a little bit that night. I may have shed a tear. Not because I was alone, but because I felt barren in that moment. Trying to look ahead with hope, but just feeling alone in that moment.

And so, that brings me to my current thoughts on the subject. There will be times in all of our lives that we will feel barren. It might not be a physical inability to have children, or it might. It could be that aching pain when you realize that your life did not go at all according to plan and that you are considered an old maid by a majority of your peers. It could be that you can't find a job in your chosen profession. And no matter how many resumes and applications you send out, the crickets are still chirping.

I hope that in these moments of pain and anguish that we remember that there is a God above who knows us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is looking out for us and is with us through our moments of barren-ness. He will always guide us through. And one day we will understand why we were asked to go through the trials we went through. It's hard to see the big picture amid the storm, but there is a big picture. And there is a Savior who can truly understand our grief and pain.

Stay strong, my friends. Know that I love you.


And, just in case you were wondering how my job search is going post graduation, this is a song that sums up my whole life right now!!

We are all connected

Elizabeth Sinclair was born on the 18th of January 1766 in Islands, Orkney, Scotland. She died on the 17th of January 1783. This is about all the information I have about her. She is a distant relative of mine, and today was a very good day for her. In a small town of little consequence in the heart of Utah, she was remembered. She was looked after, and she was saved. I did not find her name in the records of my family. I did not do much of the work, but I did make sure that she was not forgotten today. And I'm pretty sure she was very happy to be remembered. One day, in the eternities, I hope to give her a hug and thank her for letting me a part of today. I feel connected to her in a way that I can't really describe. She is my family. And family looks out for each other. I hope that I do not forget the feelings I have felt today. This post is mostly for myself so I don't forget, but also I wanted to share it so that we can all be reminded how important our families are. Even those members that we have never met. And will never meet in this life. Family. It's about time.

A Post About Neverland

It's funny. Many times a week I think to myself, "Suz, you should totally write a really funny and awesome blog post" but then I get busy and forget, or I sit down to write something to you lovely readers and it's suddenly not funny anymore. And then I go back to my imaginary world of awesomeness and spend some QT with Jason and Kyla. BTW, did you read that last post? Did you like the changes? Or did you hate them? Or, did you not read them and you're avoiding eye contact because you suddenly feel guilty about it? No worries, go read it real quick and then let me know what you think. I made HUGE changes to Kyla's life and I think they work, but I haven't gotten a ton of feedback on the subject, so yeah.

Um. I am slowly catching up on, like, five years of TV I didn't have time to stay caught up on. I finished Supergirl Season 1 this week. I kept up with that one as it aired. LOVE that show. I'm also caught up on Arrow and The Flash. My priorities are obviously in the right place. Also, Once Upon A Time. Caught up on that show. Because I freaking LOVE Captain Hook. He's seriously the only reason I'm still watching that show. Colin O'Donoghue (who plays Capt. Hook) is seriously at the top of my Future BFF's list. I want him to play Jason Tyde when that book gets made into a movie. And I know I've said that, like, a million times before, but I think he could do an AMAZING job. Seriously. He's amazing. Also, speaking of Colin, my friends and I have a running joke that he's always drinking a Coke. Even though it's clearly a beer. He's Irish. But we joke that he's always drinking a Coke and I said that when I meet him I'm going to share a Coke with him. SO, if he were to come to Comic Con (which I am really hoping happens!!) I'll totally get a photo op with him and hand him a coke for the picture so I have proof of it. Ha ha. I am sharing a lot of random things with you guys today. Eeek. I hope people still read after this. Ha ha. #shareacokewithcolin #itsgonnabeathing.

Speaking of Captain Hook, Jenni James just wrote a book called Capt. Hook and it is adorable. It's part of her Faerie Tale Collection. Also, there's this song by Ruth B that I am IN LOVE with and has brought a lot of inspiration for my writing!! My friend (A new one I've never mentioned before!! Let's call her Chiquita) introduced me to this song and I had to go buy her EP I loved it so much!! You should watch her video here:



I have a character that keeps coming to mind. Her name is Grace and she's adventurous. I want to tell her story, which I think will be rather lengthy, but I need to finish Changing Tyde first. Having a billion stories in your head all the time is exhausting at times. But, I promise you all-especially Grace- that more stories are coming. Every of the stories. All of the stories. I love them.

Any way, go read what I posted about Changing Tyde and then leave a comment!! I NEEEEEEED FEEDBACK :)!!!

Batman V Superman, and other things

First of all, here's 2 chapters of Changing Tyde that I completely changed. Let me know what you think. They're SUPER rough drafts, but you should get the idea:

Chapter 2 - Kyla

I didn't think about how hard it was going to be to pack up my apartment. I moved quite frequently through out my college experience, this should be a piece of cake. But this time was harder than any of the other times. Everything I touched had a memory with him attached to it. I found myself reliving the last three years over and over again, each item bringing the pain in a new light. At this rate, I'll never get packed in time.

I finish packing the last box in the living room. I need to be packed and ready to go in two days. I look around my still mostly full apartment and feel defeated. I tape up the box and set in on top of the others labeled with a thick black sharpie. I look to the half packed kitchen and don't even want to think about the bedroom. I've avoided the bedroom more than anything else. The memories that room holds will be worse than the rest.

It's just a one bedroom apartment. It shouldn't be this difficult. And yet, I've been packing for a month. Or, avoiding the packing for a month. I pick up another box, determined to tackle the kitchen tonight when my phone buzzes to life on the counter top next to the sink. It's my best friend and former roommate Shannon. I answer it.

“Hey! I was just calling to see if you needed any help yet?” She sounds cheerfully cautious.

“I thought I could do this by myself, but I think I've hit the point where I need some help. When are you free?” I ask, frustrated. But before I can even finish the question, there's a knock at the door. I walk over and open the door as Shannon ends the call and looks up at me.

“I'm glad you're willing to let me help because I was going to help whether you wanted it or not.” She informs me with all the sass that her southern drawl implies. I hug her, feeling like I might not fall completely apart with her here.

“Thank you, Shan. Ugh. I odn't know what I was thinking.” I tell her.

“You were thinking that you could whip this all out in a day and a half like all the times we moved from one apartment to the next. But this isn't like all the other times.” She states, and I know she's right.

“I just get frustrated so easily. I'll be packing a box in the kitchen and before I know it, I'm ugly crying over a skillet Nick's mom gave me at my bridal shower. It's so depressing. Are you sure you want to help?” I ask.

“I'm sure I want to help. What is the hardest for you to pack?” She asks, looking around at the progress I have made.

“I finished the living room, I was just about to start on the kitchen again. I haven't really touched the bedroom. I've kind of avoided that one the most. Do you want to work on the kitchen and I'll try working on the bedroom?” I try sounding optimistic and determined. Shannon just smiles at me and wraps an arm around me,

“How about we do the bedroom together?” She asks with an optimism I lost a long time ago. I nod and we head over to the bedroom.

It's not that I have a lot of stuff in my bedroom, it's just that was the last place I saw Nick. It's where we slept each night and where we talked for hours about our future. I had gotten rid of most of his stuff, but there were still memories everywhere I looked.

We had moved into this apartment as newlyweds and now I was leaving everything behind. Shannon started taking all of my clothes out of the closet and putting them in a box. She probably would have done the whole thing if I let her. But I couldn't let her do that, so I grabbed a box and started going through my drawers.

“Would you believe that I've already gone through everything in here, like, three times?” I say with a slight smile as I find pictures from my first date with Nick. I hold up the picture to show Shannon, “Remember this night?”

“How could I forget? You were so smitten by him. You couldn't stop talking about him. Which was hilarious because you swore you didn't like him.”Shannon reminds me. I laugh a little and put the pictures in a box.

“He caught me off guard. I wasn't supposed to meet anyone that semester.”

“And yet, the universe and Nick had other plans.” She responds. I laugh a little at the memories and keep going. Within an hour my bedroom is completely packed and we head to the kitchen.

I sit down at the table to rest for a minute. Shannon grabs a couple bottles of water out of the fridge for us and sits across from me.

“Was that easier?” She asks. I nod.

“I don't think I could have done that without you. Thanks.” I open the water and take a drink.

“I'm so glad. Is the kitchen all that's left?” She asks looking around.

“Yeah, pretty much. And it's half way there. The moving truck will be tomorrow. Leo and Mark are going down with me to help me move in down there and then they're flying back on Saturday. This is all happening so fast.”

“I know. I can't believe you're actually leaving me. What am I going to do without you?” She teases.

“Come visit me. I don't have a huge apartment, but I do have a couch. And I'm not far from the beach!” I tell her.

“Fine. You win. I'll be here tomorrow to help you load the truck.” She looks at me with concern. This isn't new. Everyone's looked at me like that for a year. It's what happens when your whole life gets turned upside down and you're left scrambling to put the pieces back together. It's how I look at myself in the mirror each morning.

Chapter 4 - Kyla

I pull into an empty parking spot. Spring is in full bloom as I walk slowly through the empty grass and walk the familiar path to the one place I have found myself most often over the last year. I'm glad no one else has decided to come visit so that I can say goodbye alone. I stop at the granite gravestone.

Nicholas Andrew Robinson

May 16, 1988 – January 20, 2015

Beloved Husband and Son

I place a small arrangement of Gerber daisies at the base of the stone and kneel careful down next to it. This place has become sacred ground over the last year while I have dealt with the loss of my best friend.

“Hey Nick. I finally got all packed up and am ready to go. Shannon came by and helped last night or I'd probably be ugly crying over a knife set we got for the wedding.” I try to laugh at the absurdity of the truth, “your mom promised to come by regularly and bring you flowers. I know it's a little ridiculous for us to bring you flowers when you really didn't like them, but it's our way to let you know we care about you still.” I'm rambling. To a gravestone. If Nick really were here, he'd be teasing me with that ridiculous grin and sharp green eyes. I can still see them as if he were truly standing in front of me.

“So. California. I can't believe it's actually happening. Mom and Dad are thrilled to have me closer. They offered me the guest suite at their house, but I just couldn't move back in with them. I'm not the little girl that left there anymore. I did get the apartment down on 6^th Ave. It's a small studio apartment, but it'll do until I get on my feet again. Besides it's just me.” I can feel all of my emotions ebbing and flowing and rising like a river. I wasn't supposed to be alone ever again.

“I guess I really just wanted to come and say goodbye. Not for forever. I plan to come back and visit. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you completely changed my life, Nick, and I'll always love you for that. You showed up when I thought I didn't need anyone and proved me wrong. I love how you changed everything about my life and made me a better person. I will never forget you, or our life together. I will treasure each day we spent together and even though I'm moving away and moving on, that doesn't mean I'm going to forget you. I could never forget you. I still love you so much that it hurts. My heart is still broken and as long as I stay here it will be. I think that's part of why I took this job so soon. Because as long as I stay here all I'll think about is losing you. And I don't think you'd want me to stay here and dwell on what was. I think you want me to be happy. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Move on and be happy. I love you, Nick. Always.” I wipe away the tears that have collected and stand up to walk away. The sun is setting in front of me and the light dances through the trees and across Nick's grave. I smile and turn to walk back to my car. The pain of saying goodbye is just as hard as it was the day he was buried here.

.....sooooooo.....what did you think??? I'm actually really curious. You should, maybe, leave your thoughts in the comments or something.

Also, went and saw Batman V Superman last night after I revised 46 pages of the above story. It was a crazy awesome day and then I went to the movies with Liam, which was a lot of fun. It was a pretty good movie. They referenced a lot of different comic book story lines, so I'm curious where they take this. In my dream world, I will work for DC as a screenwriter. It's going to be awesome and their movies will be great. Any way, let me know what you thought of Changing Tyde. I know it's a lot different from where the story started and I am so happy that I get to keep working on it!!

I've had this story running through my head for the last week, so here's a bit of writing to get it out...

You know how when you're a kid you dream about Prince Charming coming and sweeping you off your feet? And you ride off into the sunset on his white horse? Well, that kind of actually happened for me. I mean he didn't just saunter into my life or anything. His name is James. He was in my econ class. And I noticed right away how smart he was. He had a European accent and I wondered what brought him all the way to the middle of nowhere USA. I went here because I couldn't afford much else. We were barely a university. And he was definitely an out-of-towner.
   
The girls all swooned and fell for him. I didn't. I ignored him. And somewhere along the way we became friends. The first time he kissed me, I slapped him. Not because he did anything wrong, but mostly because I wasn't expecting it. We were arguing about something stupid and he just walked over and kissed me. And then I slapped him. And then I felt bad and he started laughing.

And then he told me the truth. That he was a prince of a small European country. I almost slapped him again. He had come to the middle of nowhere because he really just wanted to fit in and be normal. Not that he was all that normal before I knew he was a prince, but still. I can understand wanting a break.

Royal life isn't all Disney made me think it would be. Not that I'm actually royal. I'm just kind of engaged to a royal. James is the second son and is not heir to the throne. I think, in the end, that's why his parents stopped freaking out about us dating. I am, after all, an uncultured American gold digger out for the crown...or something like that. It also could have been actually meeting them, which I did last spring. James and I went to his hometown for Spring Break. It was actually a really hard trip that ended with us breaking up, but then we got back together and here we are. Almost engaged and having the best summer ever! I just hope it stays this way.
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Sorry for the info dump, but what do you think? Is that a good beginning? Is it something that might interest you? Let me know!

Soozee's Random Writing Tip

Are you sick of me posting stuff yet? It's like I can't stop writing now that I'm out of school. I CAN'T STOP!! And I love it! It makes me so happy! And today I have been working on LIGHTS. Oh, I love this story! I love where it's going and where we've been with it and soon I get to crush Ian's poor little heart. Which is going to break Emma's heart. And Trent/Donovan (spoiler) is going to get crushed sort of. But not really because he wasn't *actually* in love with her. Because he's evil at the moment. But oh, so attractive.

Any way, the point of this post. Over the last two years I discovered something. There are a number of Mumford and Sons songs that I just can't get over when I'm writing. I have a whole playlist of their songs that listen to on repeat. When I need to channel some rage (usually when writing about Donovan) I listen to the song White Blank Page. There's a line in there that I can't get over too. It goes "Can you kneel before the King and say I'm clean?" and I know that it seems simple and maybe unpoetic or even nonsensical, but those words, man, they've got POWER and I LOVE THEM.

When I need to channel some unrequited love (even though I'm the freaking queen of it) I listen to I Will Wait as well as Not With Haste. When I need to write about hope and faith I listen to Babel and Below My Feet. "Keep the earth below my feet. From my sweat, my blood runs weak. Let me learn from where I have been. Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn." Such beautiful words. #56 on my bucket list is to have Mumford and Sons write an original song for one of my movies. I would LOVE for them to write a song for LIGHTS when it's made into a movie because their music has become so intertwined in my writing process for that story. In so many ways, their music is the unplayed soundtrack. When I finish this book and it gets published and you all go pick up a copy of it, I recommend listening to Mumford and Sons while you read it (if you are one of those people that can listen to music while you read) OR, read the book, then go listen to Mumford and Sons and hear my story intertwine with their words and be happy. Be excessively happy. Because it would make me happy. :)

In other news, I found another actor I would love to cast as Jason Tyde. Seriously, peoples, I keep recasting these parts in my head, but it always helps me picture the story better. I have cast Emma in my head which is the first girl I have cast outside of Iridium. Have I even told you guys about Iridium?! I don't think I have. That's a whole other post. And so is this last paragraph. I'ma just leave this here and will get back to it next time I blog. Which will probably be in, like, 3 days or something. I'm totally addicted. Be excited.

Here is one of my all time favorite songs of theirs. It has become my theme song. Especially when I get sad about my life and things I don't have that I want in life that are righteous desires. I listen to this song and remember that I will wait. Enjoy:



And THIS is Emma's song. This is soooo Emma's song. This is her the entire first book. I don't even know if I believe. Dang It's like they wrote this song just for her. I LOVE it so so SO much.

3 Posts in 1 Week?! What the what?!

I know, I know, you're wishing I wouldn't have gotten back on the blogging bandwagon, BUT, I am trying to focus more on my writing and this is a good way for me to do that. I can talk to you, my dear readers, and talk through all of my problems. And give you random scraps of stuff that I write. Hehehe. I know you love ALL THE THINGS, right? Right.

So, without further ado, an excerpt of LIGHTS that I wrote today. This is when Emma and Ian are talking together. They've talked a couple of times, but still don't really know each other. It's still definitely a work in progress and this is soooo rough, but it gives you an idea. It's like a pre sketch if I were an artist with pencils and colors instead of words.

I walk briskly down the street to the hospital. I check my phone. It's nearly 9:00. I look in the coffee shop as I pass. Ian isn't in his spot. Just as I pass the doors, one of them swings open barely missing me.

“Sorry, mate! I didn't see-” Ian's panicked voice hits me before I actually see him. I stop and turn to see him walking, book in hand, the same direction I have stopped.

“Oh! Hi! Oh, no worries, you didn't hit me with the door.” I am surprised at the cheeriness in my own voice. As if I am excited to see Ian.

“That's a relief. I must have been walking absentmindedly.” He answers as I start to walk away. He starts walking the same direction. I give him a sideways glance. He notices and responds, “I work down here just a couple of blocks, where are you headed?” His reasoning is sound, I don't know why I momentarily freaked out when he started walking to same way as me.

“Oh, uh, just down here to Children's Memorial. They've had a busy morning, so I have to go in and see if I can help.”I am surprised by the ease I am in able to talk to him.

“Ah, A nurse? Doctor? Cafeteria worker?” He asks nonchalantly, and yet I feel so comfortable I momentarily forget that I really don't know him..

“Oh, I'm a doctor. I've been here for about three years now. It's the greatest job in the world. I love helping kids.”

“A kid doctor. That is impressive.” He says. I smile at his approval.

“Yeah, I lost my mom in a car accident as a kid and I was in the car too. The doctors that saved my life really changed the way I see the world and I wanted to be like them so I grew up and became a doctor.”

“You are a remarkable woman, Emma.” His words are rich and full of respect. I blush slightly at the admiration. Before I could respond, my phone went off again. It was work.

“Excuse me for just a second?” I ask. He nods as I turn to talk on the phone.

“False alarm, Emma. We've got it covered. We'll keep you posted if anything else happens.” Marques's deep voice tells me before I can get a word in.

“Okay, thanks. Definitely keep me posted. Okay, bye” I hang up the phone. Ian is glancing over at the horizon.

“Sorry about that. I guess they don't need me after all.”

“Is the child okay, I take it?”

“Oh. Oh, no, I help out in the ER from time to time if they get too slammed and need an extra pair of hands.”

“You just keep getting more and more impressive, don't you?” He winks at me.

“Thank you, but I just do what I can to help people. It's not anything to really take notice of.” Ian smiles and laughs lightly to himself. I ask, “What is it?”

“You just remind me of my girlfriend. Quite a lot, actually.” He has a girlfriend?

“Oh?” I say.

“She's a very kind and considerate person. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.” My curiosity was getting the best of me. I was so intrigued by this unknown woman who had his heart. I almost felt a little jealous.

“Tell me about her.” I state. I didn't even ask.

“She's beautiful. The kind of beauty that you come across once in a lifetime. Everything about her is beautiful. Her hair, her lips, her voice, the way that she walks, everything. I was drawn to her from the moment I saw her and have never looked back. She is my guardian angel. She guides me through the storms I face and pushes me to be the best version of myself.” He speaks with such confidence I feel a little intimidated by her. I also know doubt he has ever actually flirted with me. The way he talks about his love is unmistakable. It's almost like she there with him even though she's not.

“Where is she?” I ask.

“She's back home. I'm only out here for another few weeks. She came to visit a couple weeks ago. We've gone back and forth while I've been working here. Hopefully soon I can just work close to home and be with her. I think she'd like that too.” There was a slight falter in his words, as if he was hoping this would happen more than it being a sure thing.

“I hope that happens for you. Everyone deserves to be with the one they love.” I hoped these words would be true for him.

“Thank you. I hope that things work out with you and your boyfriend as well.” He sounded genuine, but I suddenly felt like my relationship with Trent was so small in comparison to Ian and his love.

“Ha. We are just starting out. We've only been together for about six months. We've only just started talking about moving in together. I mean we spend so much time together we might as well. I'm tired of the back and forth of his place and mine. I'd really rather just wake up next to him in the same place each night, you know?” I didn't even think about the words as I said them until I noticed Ian's expression. He tried to hide it, but it was almost a twinge of pain as I talked about moving in with Trent. I don't understand. I quickly change the subject.

“Any way, I better let you get to work. I should head back home. I've got a whole day to get back to.” I turn to leave.

“Emma, wait.” I stop as he says my name. I don't want to face him. I don't want to see the judgement in his eyes. He continues any way, “I just hope that you are truly happy. Regardless of what I may have said or not said, I hope you are happy. Truly. With all my heart I hope you find what you're looking for.”

“Thanks.” I whisper and as I turn to finally face him, he's gone. Not just down the street a ways, but completely gone. I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. What is going on? I look at my phone. It's 10:22. How can an hour and a half already have passed? I shake off the feeling of loss and disapproval that has snuck in and head back to my apartment.  

Sooooooo.......what did you think? That ended up being A LOT longer on here than it did on the page I was writing it on....weird. Any way, hit or miss? Or neither? I have no idea! I just know that I like where this is going. Because at the beginning you think it's a typical love story and then BAM I throw you into time and space and craziness and awesomeness and fighting and life and death type stuff. It's great. I love it.