Writing Stuffs

I have been writing kind of a lot the last few days. Like a lot a lot. Makes me happy to see Changing Tyde taking flight again. I'm getting a whole new group if friends completely addicted and falling in love with Jason. As it should be. Everyone should love him. He's such a fantastic guy!! I'll post a sniper for you here soon and you'll probably love it and hate Brooke. As it should be. The end. 

The Freaking Queen of Unrequited Love

Don't let the post title upset you, it's not quite as bad as you are probably thinking it is. I am doing good!!! Great, actually. But, seriously, I am the queen of unrequited love. It's kind of crazy. And now, you're thinking OH NO!!! What happened with DJ!?!?!?!?!!!! Well, let me tell you a little story....

So, once upon a time I went to a bonfire and DJ and I were flirting and having so much fun and it was a great night. The details have started to fade, but it was a great night. I was on cloud 9 at the end. And then, I saw him the following Monday and it was fun and there was more flirting. And then that Thursday something happened, and everything changed. I couldn't pin point exactly what it was, because there wasn't a single event that happened. And then, that Saturday night, I was talking to Liam. I had absolutely no intention of asking about DJ or anything like that, and then all at once I heard the words coming out of my mouth:

Soozee: So, Liam, you'd tell me if you had any information about DJ, right?
Liam: Ummmm......I somehow knew you were going to ask that...
Soozee: Not that I'm trying to put you in the middle or anything, but if you know anything I should know....
Liam: *silence, but he has that expression that says he has something to tell me*
Soozee: Liam, are you telling me I should walk away?
Liam: *silence*
Soozee: Are you telling me I should just walk away? Because if so, I need to know that....
Liam: *long pause* walk away.
Soozee: Okay, that's what I needed to know....does he want to be friends with me, or not even that?
Liam: Oh, he definitely wants to be friends.

And then the crazy emotional girl took over in my head and ran around like crazy for three days. Now, I am not the crying type of girl. For the next three days I cried. And was so emotionally a mess. It was crazy. I am not THAT girl, you know? Totally not. AND, I had been telling myself the whole time not to get attached. I barely even know DJ, and yet I am sobbing over the loss of a future I didn't even have. What the heck is wrong with me, you know???

So, the thought kept coming to me that the only way I was going to find any peace would be if I talked to DJ directly. And the thought of talking to him scared me to death. But, after two failed attempts I finally asked him if we could talk and he said he was close by my apartment, so I met him up on campus and we talked about some random stuff. I didn't know exactly how to bring up what Liam had said, I also didn't want to tell him what Liam had said because I did feel like I should try to be friends with him. SO, I said something to the affect that Liam had said something to me in regards to him (DJ) and that I knew that I needed to talk to DJfor the truth. Yes, I totally threw Liam under the bus. He's been acting kind of weird, so it could have been a legit concern; and honestly, it was a legit concern. DJ confirmed that we were friends and that he hoped he hadn't done anything that would cause me to think otherwise. I explained that he had always been nice to me (which he always has been-he hasn't always remembered to let me know if he was or was not coming to something, but he has never been mean), and that was what fueled my confusion.

It was a very good talk, and I finally found the peace I had been searching for all week. At the end of the conversation, DJ mentioned he had been dating this girl on again off again for a little while and the previous night he had taken her on a date and they had talked about taking their relationship to the next step. Now, whether that means he's getting engaged, or just has a serious girlfriend I don't know. But she told him she needed to think about it and went to the woods for the weekend. He is hopeful, and I hope the best for him. If she breaks his heart, I'll still be his friend and maybe there will be a chance. If she realizes how great he is and they get married or something, then good for him and I wish him every happiness. I don't feel like I should completely walk away yet. So, I have a great friend named DJ. And, this talk with him really kind of solidified our friendship; kind of taking Liam out of the mix, which really is a good thing. Not that I don't love Liam, he's a great guy. BUT, it is really better for me to be friends with Liam, and DJ independently of each other. Although, apparently Liam talks about me all the time to DJ. All good things, apparently, but yeah. That was interesting. DJ also mentioned in our chat that I am a very kind and loving person "which I know you've heard before. I know you probably hear that a lot, because that is who you are." I like that he has noticed who I am, and not just that I am incredibly awkward.

And, can I ask just one favor from all of you great readers? Can you not feel sad or sorry for me? I know that sounds odd, but after I talked to DJ I was actually really happy and at peace. Yeah, I think he's an amazing guy and I love talking to him and getting to know him better, but this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. I know that this is where I am supposed to be. I don't think I could be more heartbroken than I was last Sunday through Tuesday and I would have gladly taken any sympathy then, but after a lot of prayer and inner searching, I have found the peace I needed in my life right now.

Any way, that is the story. I feel so much better about the situation knowing all of the story. And yeah, it sucks that DJ is kind of or maybe is dating someone, but for whatever reason, we're supposed to be friends right now. I guess we'll see what it all means soon enough. But I really am fine. :)

And now, for your listening pleasure, the song that has been stuck in my head for 5 days now!!! For some reason, the song Mirrors by Justin Timberlake has been playing on repeat in my head and I can't get it out. Ale says it's Jesus talking to me through Justin Timberlake, but that is kind of debatable. I would post the music video, but it was weird, so I posted the lyrical music video which is better any way. Enjoy!!!

Quick Thought

So, ever since I met DJ I've been kind of afraid to really like him because I was afraid that I would get hurt like when I liked Digger, and this huge amazing thought came to me just this very morning. Digger hardly ever came when I invited him to stuff. And he always had lame excuses why he couldn't come-usually involving work. BUT, DJ has only not come once. And he always responds to texts. And he makes me feel like I'm important. And I like it. SO, DJ is not Digger. Thank goodness for that. We need a lot less Diggers in the world. The end.

Update

Well, I figured you'd all kill me if I didn't update you about last Saturday night when I went to Liam's bonfire and DJ was there. I have since become Facebook friends with him, and I'm pretty sure we've both stalked each other out. He is 25, I think...I'm guessing...any way, he helped me out with writing this letter and so I made him Snickerdoodles and took them to the bonfire. He was very happy to get them. It was a lot of fun. I just love being around him. He's usually really positive and I just feel good around him.
    Preface: a couple of my friends were there with the determination to observe DJ and see how he acts around me. I didn't really want them to do this, but I didn't have much say in the matter. So, my friends kind of creeped around a bit and I talked to him a little bit which was fun. I had convinced myself that there was no interest on his part, but now I'm not sure. BUT, one thing I know for sure is that he has a much higher regard for me than I realized. I feel like I am getting to know him a little bit better each time I see him and I love that. I could tell you a bunch of stories from Saturday night, but what it all comes down to is that he likes me, even if its just as a friend. And for me right now that is totally fine because no matter what the future holds, nothing will happen without a good, strong friendship to build on.
     So, tonight I went over to a friend's apartment. She lives in the same complex as DJ and I usually find myself there on Monday nights after FHE. Tonight we were sitting on her balcony (which I didn't exactly like because I kind of have a huge fear of heights). BUT, it was fun to talk to people from the third floor. So, it was getting late and I decided to go home. I was starting to get up from where I was sitting when I see DJ pull in and get out of his car. My friend decided that we needed to talk to him. So, she calls out to him and asks if he remembers meeting her, which he says he thinks so, which made me smile because the second time I saw him two weeks later he remembered my name and meeting me. Any way, he came over and didn't see me there at first and when he did he stopped walking and started talking to me. Well, its hard to talk to someone from the third floor, so I told my friend good bye and walked downstairs to talk to DJ.
    I had been a little nervous to talk to him because I accidentally sent him a text meant for someone else during church yesterday...it was slightly awkward and so in my head that automatically meant that I had ruined everything. BUT,  he just laughed about it. I just hadn't heard from him since, so obviously I freaked out about it. I'm a girl. I do that sometimes. Any way, we were talking about testimony meetings and he asked if I had gotten up in Sacrament meeting and I said I hadn't because I feel weird getting up in wards that aren't my own, but that I usually do because I have a lot to be grateful for. So he asked what I was grateful for today and I said I was grateful for my family and he asked why. So, I told him about my sister in law that I had stopped by to see earlier today and how she is always really great to talk to (as are all of my sisters in law. You guys are all so amazing!!!) and we just talked about family and how awesome they are and it was really great and I like talking to him. And he makes me really happy. And he always seems happy to see me. I think he was surprised to see me tonight, because I think he forgot that I have other friends in those apartments, other than him. But he seemed genuinely happy to see me. And he still gets cuter everytime I see him, and currently we have plans for Saturday with a bunch of friends. It's going to be so much fun! I can't wait. I'm really excited! We're going to watch a movie outside and it's going to be great. And then I'll have more to say. And you'll get another update. Unless everything falls apart in the meantime. That would be terrible. Let's not think about that. Lets think happy positive thoughts!